Teenager refuses to go to college.

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

My 16 year old DS is doing his 1st year A levels at the college in the neighbouring city (small town) he could gone to 6th form attached to his school but they 'didnt do the courses he wanted to do' which ironically the ones he wanted to do he doesnt apparently want to do them now.

Everyday is a struggle to get him there on time or even at all. He will refuse to get out of bed and then move at a speed that would make a snail look like a cheetah, so he inevitably misses the bus over and over again. Hes constantly staying up all night on the console/laptop/phone. Becomes incredibly verbally aggressive towards me, calling me names and being downright vile.

I've rang college in the past as he was put on the attendance watch list he was actually flagged straight to the head master due to it! Changed his time table so he only has 1 early start a week but he just cannot be bothered.
Told him he needs to get a job then or change his college course. He wont. Hes so entitled.

He does have Autism. And he does significantly struggle with a lot of things. But alot of these struggles are from laziness and refusing to get better sleep etc

Any advice? What can I ask college to do to help? I dont want him to throw his future away, i want him to do better than me in life.

Remove the router at night, and stop paying for his phone

Who funds his lifestyle? Maybe cut back to bare minimum, so cost of getting to college when he goes. There will be minimum attendance required or he will be withdrawn from the courses.

Why don’t you understand his condition?

Hes refusing school due to anxiety and overwhelm not laziness.

Hes sleeping late as ND are wired to be nightowls.

Try understanding him first.

Well I can't speak to the autism so hopefully someone more informed can advise on that aspect but for a start I'd turn off the WiFi at night, and I'd stop paying for his phone.

Present it as a very logical two-way exchange. If you want A and B from me then I expect C and D from you.

Definitely turn off the WiFi.

Teenager’s fall asleep in my daughter’s classroom as they’re up all night playing games. Majority have ASD. One friend in particular has changed drastically from lack of sleep and eating crap, online all night, her skin is covered in acne, she’s is 3/4 stone heavier.
The internet is a mess for teenagers without boundaries or outside activities.,
Reward him for going, refuse to help him with anything if he doesn’t.

This comes up so often and it is unbelievably frustrating. Your autistic child has to live in this world, for all its flaws. We don't attempt to change the world to suit them - this might be feasible when they are young, but will not work as they grow up. Rather they need to acquire strategies to succeed in the world as it is. Teaching him quid pro quo will stand him in good stead. "You want this? I want that. How can we make this work?" My autistic son is now 36, married, employed and still living by what he perceives as "the rules".

Take the addictive devices away.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I dont understand his condition because despite fighting tooth and nail for an assessment since he was 2 I was repeatedly told he was neurotypical and it was all 'in my head' and he only got diagnosed less than 3 months ago so has spent his entire life essentially struggling with very little help for himself and ive had no help or support for essentially understanding him (or autism) for that matter as ive constantly been told until recently that he didnt have it! If he had been diagnosed as a smaller child absolutely I would have a better understanding but this is new ground for both me and him to navigate and I dont have anywhere to turn really because hes 16 he wont engage with services or anyone so I feel like a fish out of water with it.

For all other commenter, I cannot take the router away or the tech as he can become verbally abusive and he runs away, I also have other children who dont need to be punished with losing the Internet (and rely on the Alexa to play sleep sounds to help them sleep)

The phone is out of contract now so I can theoretically cancel it now but he needs it to go to college as his bus app is on there. He gets PIP but struggles with money management but absolutely wont allow the money to go into my bank account.

I think you should apply for an EHCP for him. This will help identify his learning needs and may also open up different college placements such as ones which are tailored to young people with autism

It sounds so stressful, and it's awful that you've had no support. I still think turning the router off is a wise thing to do - verbal abuse is horrible, of course, but just like a toddler tantrum, ride it out. And again, when he's calm, explain the two-way street. I'd get yoto players for your other kids, there are lots of sleep sounds cards to use that don't need WiFi.

https://www.gov.uk/children-with-special-educational-needs/extra-SEN-help

Of course you can take his devices away or set up screen time limits

@Itsokaytomorrowisanewday how do i apply for an EHCP? is that available to college aged students? Im sorry I have absolutely no idea what support is available.

Agree with this

He needs therapy to help him manage coping strategies and timetabling

@janblues I cannot take away the devices. He could become physically aggressive on top of verbally aggressive. He towers over me.
I cannot get the phone off him to put screen time on, Ive done that in the past when he was younger and he hacked his way around it all.

Stop battling with him to get out of bed and to college. If he doesn't want to go then tell him to quit and stop fucking them about.

You won't be paying for his phone or pocket money until he gets a new course or a job.

Yes I have posted the link to the gov website above. If you ask college to apply I imagine they won’t as they probably don’t know your son well enough, given he is new fairly new and hasn’t been in much. It would be better for you to apply or your son can apply himself

He is on the spectrum punishment for NT don't work.
The ignorance out there is still outstanding.

Talk to the college. If he is diagnosed with autism they should have done this before he started

Why can't we naked the workers less ignorant. Like we would do for other disability.

I’m so sorry, l didn’t realise.

He could be in burnout rather than laziness.

It’s very hard when they refuse education. They do get better though ( bitter experience) He won’t go to school because the demands have become too great for him.

Let it go. He can do an access course when he’s better. If he was diagnosed only 3 months ago, then he’s been ‘masking’ in effect for a very long time. This will have taken a huge toll on him.

Its normal to fall apart after assessment.

This happened to my dd. We just treated her gently, didn’t remove phones, didn’t discuss education. It was the hardest time of my life. The nocturnalism will shift when he’s in a better place.

l hope this helps.

I have no idea what this means.

I agree op don't do that. He is likely nearly 18 anyway he needs therapy and coping strategies to help him regulate himself.

Typo! Opps. What I meant was maybe the world should change to allow for ND as its miserable as it is. Even NT people are burnt out.

I mean you are right the world is as it but we can work to change that.

I see what you're saying but it's not a punishment - I'd still let him game in the day - but if the late night gaming is affecting his sleep and therefore his education then taking that away is surely a reasonable attempt to fix the problem? If it doesn't work, then fine. But it's worth a try.