Teenager refuses to go to college.

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

My 16 year old DS is doing his 1st year A levels at the college in the neighbouring city (small town) he could gone to 6th form attached to his school but they 'didnt do the courses he wanted to do' which ironically the ones he wanted to do he doesnt apparently want to do them now.

Everyday is a struggle to get him there on time or even at all. He will refuse to get out of bed and then move at a speed that would make a snail look like a cheetah, so he inevitably misses the bus over and over again. Hes constantly staying up all night on the console/laptop/phone. Becomes incredibly verbally aggressive towards me, calling me names and being downright vile.

I've rang college in the past as he was put on the attendance watch list he was actually flagged straight to the head master due to it! Changed his time table so he only has 1 early start a week but he just cannot be bothered.
Told him he needs to get a job then or change his college course. He wont. Hes so entitled.

He does have Autism. And he does significantly struggle with a lot of things. But alot of these struggles are from laziness and refusing to get better sleep etc

Any advice? What can I ask college to do to help? I dont want him to throw his future away, i want him to do better than me in life.

I had similar issues with my ADHD son (also some autistic traits) in year 12 and 13. He wasn't aggressive but nothing seemed to work. He finds timekeeping incredibly difficult, he easily falls into a nocturnal pattern and struggles massively to get back out of it and he was disillusioned by teacher absence - and then failed to do the catch up work on his own for lessons the teacher had missed, so he got behind. School seemed frustrating and pointless to him, plus he was constantly in trouble for turning up late - so he decided he'd rather not go at all. We muddled through with lots and lots of stress and horrible meetings with the school.

What I wish I'd done is have the courage to let him be home educated for those years. We probably would have done this had we not just moved house and areas - I felt he needed school to make friends (although he got a part time job at Tesco in year 12 and made friends there too, so he'd have been fine).

The Tesco job was also helpful - it gave him a taste of adult life and accountability and the experience of earning his own money. In the end he barely attended school and then taught himself the A Level content at home between Feb and May, once he'd decided for himself that he wanted to get decent A Levels.

So if I could go through those years again- I'd encourage the job, as it got him out of the house and helped him mature, and he'd do online school, or home ed with tutoring, alongside - probably whichever option gave him the most autonomy and the ability to work around his body clock.

As a lot of therapists would say, the best therapy is often just good parenting, good role modelling, clear healthy expectations, consistency and predictability.

If I say the router is going off at ten, it goes off at 10.

Many (using the popular caveat) kids who are ND simply cannot connect with therapy or dont want to

First post nails it as usual. You provide certain things because he is in gull time education. If he does not engage with education, you remove those things.

Exactly that. I’m betting it works, as long as the OP is consistent.

As long as parents themselves have a very good understanding of how ND works

just being a parent isn’t enough
we have no skilled training in this area
people could cause more damage than harm

so on a forum offering support /advice etc I would personally always advocate for seeking
professional help

He discharged himself from CAMHS so hes under no professional for any help. We got the diagnosis and have been left to it essentially. He is depressed and anxious but wont see a GP about it. He is supposed to take melatonin but refuses it.

I appreciate all the comments and the advice given im going to get in touch with Sendiass who can help fill out the EHCP forms, I had a brief look over them and they look incredibly confusing.

He uses his PIP to get to college and home and he buys his own food whilst out. He also buys collectibles. Money goes into his bank not mine so cannot police it.

As for him getting a job ive told him this he says no one will employ him because hes not old enough and if he got a job he wouldnt pay board (id lose money if he isnt in education)

Unfortunately our relationship has to be very surface level as the relationship is fractured, so any conversation about college/important/deep chats they dont happen, if they do im called a prick, a cunt, a bitch and many other horrendous vile things youd all be shocked at if I wrote them down.

Attempts at removing his tech have been met with venom and threats to destroy my PC, threats to break my phone if I remove his etc and truthfully I dont want to risk it.

We had early help involved before our local council did away with early help and the early helper told us to not remove his tech/phone, apparently removing the phone comes under safeguarding and neglect because anything could happen to him without one.

I noticed one or 2 posters have implied im a lazy mother. That is so far from the truth. I am 5ft 4, weighing 9stone, my son is nearly 6ft weighing in at 14stone, he towers over me and he has incredible strength. I do not want to push him too far incase he snaps. Hes never hit me up until now and I dont think he will but I am not going to test fate with that im afraid.
I have advocated for him his entire life but college are not listening, nor are they helping.
School was different. He attended, he did his work, he was highly academic, now he cant care less. Ive suggested he does a vocational subject instead of the intensive 3 A Levels hes doing now but its met with negativity.

He flits between self depreciation and narcisism. He is very spoilt. I hold my hands up to that. This has been ongoing for years but its significantly worse now.

He has a girlfriend who is also doing A levels (different college) who he has been with since year 8. When he sees her (once a fortnight) he struggles to get up and go and this is someone he adores.

He doesnt have any college friends. He has 1 or 2 schools friends and 1 friend he made online in America who he games with.

His diet is terrible, but he wont eat anything I cook (seriously) he has poor hygiene and no social life outside of gaming and seeing his girlfriend. He doesnt leave his bedroom, lives in squalor essentially I have to tidy his room frequently because he wont do it but I can only do this if hes at college or his girlfriends.

Ive tried for years and years to rebuild our broken relationship but he doesnt want to rebuild. He openly says he doesnt like me, that he hates me and his siblings, openly mocks me and belittles me, I love the boy and it breaks my heart. I feel so incredibly angry that its all come to this because nobody helped us, college is only part of an even bigger picture. I wouldnt say I was scared of him, nervous yes but I dont fear him.

@Aghhhhhhhhhh can you get his girlfriend to try and talk to him?

@frozendaisy shes tried about various things. If I message her and speak to her she will say oh your mum said XYZ and then he gets a bag on with me.
He manipulates the context of many things to make me seem unreasonable etc so his girlfriend sides with him (obviously) and her mum dont like me and feels sorry for my son having a 'horrible mother like me' but funnily enough won't allow him to move in with her or have him overnight (his girlfriend is 17)

Its shocking what you are managing with OP but there isnt much that would have changed these traits unless he wants to do that and focus on improving his skills and abilities.

The problem with the narrative around ND is it pushes low expectations and discriminates by way of not pushing and challenging and so you end up with a young person like this who is aggressive, poor skills and thinks he can do what he likes. Its unhelpful that you were told not to remove tech, but there are lots of different views on that from professionals. From one CAMHS worker, to the next therapist to the next SW, they will all give different advice.

Perhaps its time for him to ask for a housing assessment at the council, you say that you cannot have him living at home, he doesnt need to be a child in care as the expectations there would be even higher than in the normal family home, so perhaps he can be supported to seek independent housing and live independently with your support i fhe wants it. And if he doesnt want it, thats on him.

Its not really appropriate to use another child to parent him.

Hi @Aghhhhhhhhhh . I'm very sorry you're in this situation. If your son is 16 I think you should phone Children's Services/Social Services and ask for help. There is child to parent violence here. It might be in tbe long run that he cannot live with you. It's interesting that his girlfriend's mum wont have him overnight.

How did he present at school? I'm sorry youve waited so long for a diagnosis and youve got so little help. I'd also look for support groups in your area for parents with autistic teenagers.

@soupyspoon I am dealing with a extraordinary amount that most people couldnt imagine. I have expressed to him that when hes 18 and if hes still doing these behaviours he will be taken to the council to be rehoused.
He doesn't want to be around me or his siblings but he also doesn't want to leave either.
Nobody else will have him not even for a night, my parents wont have him because they 'cant cope' with him but this is nothing new. His father passed away but was never really apart of his life.

He wont engage with therapy. Ive suggested a trip to the GP but I know he wont take antidepressants if prescribed them. Im hoping he grows out of it and makes the decision to sort himself out..
Leaving college is an option but ideally last option

I found bribing mine to see therapists and doctors worked.

She point blank refused at first. It’s all part of it.

You are not the expert on it no matter what you think! Many of us are ND and have ND children and actually they need more rules not less and you need to be harder/stricter with them! Just because you have autism doesn’t mean you can’t behave or understand what is right and wrong!

@spanglemum02 he presented well at school..he did his work, engaged with the lessons, answered the questions was predicted very high grades.... fell apart in the exams, didnt achieve what was predicted, got himself completely overwhelmed and whilst he sat each and every exam he had to do, his brain froze and he couldn't perform as well as he could in the classroom.

Thr other thing i woudl say is that he obviously got decent GCSEs to be studying for 3 A levels. This is really good. So many young people leave education with virtually nothing.

He has got plenty of time. If this doesn't work out for him he will have other options. You say he is spoilt, in what way would you say he is?

This is not your fault.

@spanglemum02 hes never really gone without, everything hes ever wanted hes had. There is a reason for this though which was born out of a situation that neither me or him had control over (highly traumatic experience that I don't really want to rehash on here)

His behaviour is not due to him being ND it’s because he’s frankly a bit of an arse! You can disconnect his devices from the WiFi network and tell him when he starts going to college or work and is contributing to the bills - the pip he gets should be going mostly to you to help with his bills and food etc - then you will add his devices back on. Stop paying for his phone - that’s what his pip is for - and if he physically threatens you call the police!! He’s old enough to be dealt with by them and they can organise foster care or whatever need be if you want that! You and your other children don’t need to live with a young man behaving like this and threatening his mom!! That is appalling!! All of my kids are ND so I know how hard it is but I certainly woudnt put up with this shit! He steps up or leaves!

He can ask for a housing assessment at 16. As you say, no one else will want to provide accommodation for him, going into care wouldnt work, he would simply get given notice on each placement and bounce around.

The problem is, for some young people there isnt a 'fix', this is just what they are like and change is unlikely. Thats why when I hear 'if there had been more help or support it wouldnt be like this', I do challenge this. There isnt a fix for this. Perhaps firmer boundaries but then like you say, you're physically vulnerable to him and that could be dangerous.

Most young people like this wont want to engage with therapy, its suggested on every single thread like this and I work with kids like this and 9/10 times they will not engage, thats even if you can get the right sort, its hard for them to engage with CBT type therapies with ND

This, all the way.

he is likely completely mentally exhausted from having to have held it all together pretending to be neurotypical throughout his entire school life, having no support etc due to not having a diagnosis. He is in burnout.

please don’t take away the internet from him 🙄.

personally I would talk to him about how he feels and why he is in burnout. How much does he know / understand about his autism? Both of you come up with a plan together about how to move forward. For example, maybe he can take a year out, reset, and start the course again next year. During the year break he needs to be up and dressed by a certain time, and needs to volunteer / do something else each day that is productive.

forcing him into college each day will probably end up with him getting crap grades and / or having a breakdown.

If he's aggressive and you appear to be afraid of him I would talk to the police. You can't live in fear of your 16 year old and have him run the house to his liking.

Is he using this recent diagnosis as an excuse to do whatever he likes? If he won't go to college and you can't exert any discipline then he will learn the hard way when he fails his exams or gets excluded. All you can do is point out the potential consequences of his actions.

No but they are extremely co-mornid and many are ND on there.

If he’s not good in exams then what about applying to do a btec or at levels in something like engineering? Might be better for him and he won’t struggle as much.

Or runaway or worse.

Is he enjoying is A Level courses? Despite the government saying that they have to stay in full time education a lot of kids I know of have dropped out of college and never gone back. Could you do some research in to local places that do employ 16yr olds?

I totally get that removing devices won't work on him, even if you get him in to college it doesn't mean he will engage with the work or turn up to the classes.