Teenager refuses to go to college.

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

My 16 year old DS is doing his 1st year A levels at the college in the neighbouring city (small town) he could gone to 6th form attached to his school but they 'didnt do the courses he wanted to do' which ironically the ones he wanted to do he doesnt apparently want to do them now.

Everyday is a struggle to get him there on time or even at all. He will refuse to get out of bed and then move at a speed that would make a snail look like a cheetah, so he inevitably misses the bus over and over again. Hes constantly staying up all night on the console/laptop/phone. Becomes incredibly verbally aggressive towards me, calling me names and being downright vile.

I've rang college in the past as he was put on the attendance watch list he was actually flagged straight to the head master due to it! Changed his time table so he only has 1 early start a week but he just cannot be bothered.
Told him he needs to get a job then or change his college course. He wont. Hes so entitled.

He does have Autism. And he does significantly struggle with a lot of things. But alot of these struggles are from laziness and refusing to get better sleep etc

Any advice? What can I ask college to do to help? I dont want him to throw his future away, i want him to do better than me in life.

It's not punishment. It's removing one of the distractions that is affecting him. It's a negative thing so needs to be removed

It’ll make no difference. ND don’t function like NT. plus he’s probably unwell.

Do you have a car? I would be driving him to college and taking away the internet and the phone. Mine were all still putting their devices downstairs at that age and we do the same to model good behaviour.
All teens are night owls, for autistic children melatonin production can be an issue. We did lots of dietary chances and exercise changes to handle that and the anxiety too. Worked out fine for us.
Personally I accepted that DS1 would need more scaffolding with life management, diet, sleep, school transport than my NT. I did not care that others thought I was babying him. He is now flying. Has long to do lists to not forget to do basic stuff most us do naturally, but he does it.

Autism or not he’s being a grumpy teenager. Turn off the router at 10pm, payg phone only and he has to earn back privileges. I have an autistic dd who never would have gone to school if I hadn’t made her, tough love basically (and I admit easier when they are smaller than you). And this whole night owl thing is just an excuse, modern one at that, I prefer being up late too but I have a job so have no choice,

There is a big difference between school and college (I have worked in both). FE colleges are bigger, less personalised - no more assemblies and so on, less structure. He might have a number of 'free' lessons - many in year 12 struggle with this. Has he made any friends? - some of my sons friends dropped out because they were overwhelmed. However he will have a personal tutor - I would contact them. They will have someone in charge of high needs students - contact them. An EHCP application will be a waste of energy - he only has 1.5 yrs of statutory education left. The college will also have careers support. I would sit down with him, look at his options - start from the perspective of 'he's overwhelmed', A levels are the wrong route? He has 2 years left to study at level 3/A level for free (he would have to take out a loan from 19) so maybe a change of course to a BTEC? I would arm yourself with information- you dont seem to understand post sixteen education - go into the college and start finding out. Good luck.

But an EHCP will extend this education amount to 25. This will give him about 6 years to sort himself out,

We got one at 17

Autism is not a mental health condition.

Oh give over.

Autistic person here who is sick of people who think it’s an excuse for everything. I’m so glad my parents made it clear to me that sitting at home doing nothing was never going to be an option.

You don't need the school to apply for an EHCP OP. You can apply yourself. All the info you need is on the IPSEA website.

Regarding the aggression, we've found the charity CAPA First Response helpful. Look up NVR too (Yvonne Newbold).

Any chance he might agree to return to his previous school in September and re-start year 12?

She must have acquired strategies if she is doing as well as you say. Otherwise, she would still be in meltdown.

Op no help in getting him to college but with the screen thing I recently started ‘bribing’ my kids to get them off screens, eg can you help me/ come with me/ fix this with me and I’ll get you eg a pastry you like/ we’ll go to the shop you like etc etc. Then I leave them to it for a while as they should get to do things they enjoy, it’s not their fault if they’re not outdoors etc!!

I’d seen someone on mn say they had to treat their kids like toddlers again but it got them away from screens etc. Also the only time my kids talk honestly to me is eg we’re in the car/ doing something and I drop questions into conversation. If I ask them anything while they’re in bed/ on a console I get answers that are designed to get me out.

The college/ job etc isn’t your biggest problem at the moment, you’re biggest problem is to turn him into a functioning person again- one who wants to spend time with you/ chat but more importantly get up in the morning. I hope you get sorted, I never thought my 17yo would work etc but now he does a few hours work a week and it’s huge

Your parents were playing a risky game there, possibly unknowingly.

My young sister had years of "failure to launch" - decades actually. The only thing that really helped was time.

Does DS take anything to help with sleep?

An EHCP is not a waste of time. EHCPs can continue until 25, or 26 in some cases. Even if OP has to appeal at every stage, it is still worth it.

OP, you don’t need the college’s permission to request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you/DS can use.

or he is just lazy ?

Yeah absolutely, when pushed they don’t always do what you want them to do,

Thry self harm instead.

No! She got better. How many strategies can someone of just 19 acquire?

Also ADHD meds were one turning point. Anti depressants another. She’d still be very unwell without these.

It doesn't really sound like they were. It's entirely possible to support and empathise with your child without handing them a "get away with murder" card. The whole "the world has to change to accommodate me" thing is never going to work.

100%
Everyone now has some sort of ISSUE
Fact is some kids are lazy
Some are not intelligent

Mine is not lazy and is super intelligent. Desperate to go to school but just couldn’t.

Diagnosed by the nhs.

Don’t generalise.

No he needs a kick up the a==e

Exactly this, normally posters are falling over themselves to separate out violent and arsehole behaviour from ASD/ADHD

So if your partner isnt coping, spends all night gaming, gets abusive and aggressive with you if you challenge that but he is ND, thats his ND is it? Or is he just an lazy arsehole

Call the police on violence, full stop

Personally I wouldnt push kids into education when they dont want it or cant cope with it, we do this far too much and many kids really are not suited to education, get him into work.

yours is ome in a million then
Do not generalise

Nor is being lazy

I disagree with you about that. Without that push, I’d have hidden away from the world. God knows where I’d be now.
My twenties were some of the toughest of my life, as I learnt how to fit in with the world, but that period of time was absolutely crucial for me to observe and learn and fake it til it became normal. But I look back now and realise that’s what I needed. As excruciatingly hard as it was at the time. Nothing phases me now, and you would have no idea that I have an Asperger’s diagnosis.

Perhaps I grew up in an age that was less understanding, but equally my parents knew that the only way I’d cope in the world was to figure out how to fit into it.

It’s a subject I feel passionately about, but I understand many people will find my approach strange.

I think it’s the lure of endless internet. I’d make it clear that anything you pay for, including access to WiFi, will go if he doesn’t go to college. Obviously do feed him. That if he is thrown out, he’ll have to use the library for WiFi. All kids who are tempted this way will behave like that if they can get away with it, autism or not. Autism isn’t an excuse for poor parenting.