Teenager refuses to go to college.

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

My 16 year old DS is doing his 1st year A levels at the college in the neighbouring city (small town) he could gone to 6th form attached to his school but they 'didnt do the courses he wanted to do' which ironically the ones he wanted to do he doesnt apparently want to do them now.

Everyday is a struggle to get him there on time or even at all. He will refuse to get out of bed and then move at a speed that would make a snail look like a cheetah, so he inevitably misses the bus over and over again. Hes constantly staying up all night on the console/laptop/phone. Becomes incredibly verbally aggressive towards me, calling me names and being downright vile.

I've rang college in the past as he was put on the attendance watch list he was actually flagged straight to the head master due to it! Changed his time table so he only has 1 early start a week but he just cannot be bothered.
Told him he needs to get a job then or change his college course. He wont. Hes so entitled.

He does have Autism. And he does significantly struggle with a lot of things. But alot of these struggles are from laziness and refusing to get better sleep etc

Any advice? What can I ask college to do to help? I dont want him to throw his future away, i want him to do better than me in life.

I was thinking this as reading because a sixteen year old with money in their pocket without working is not going to find any motivation for work or study. Is it too late for OP to be an appointee for PIP so it can be managed properly?

So he is already heavily addicted to screens. Believe me I understand they’re a dream for parents with SEN children to child out but they’re also an absolute nightmare because of the addiction to screens.
I see a lot of children who have extra needs permanently attached to their iPad.
I have had rules since they were young so they seem the normal, yes DS is an handful and it would be easier to let him game non stop, but his low motivation would die completely.
Kids leave phones downstairs by 9pm, internet off —for them—
Sometimes when they’re fairly okay managing life. PIP is a bad idea.

You can absolutely phone the police, what your doing is allowing him to control you through violence, he knows this so is going to continue to intimidate you because your allowing him.

The more you’re passive, he will then continue the cycle of abuse to his siblings , which he may already be doing now.

I think the claimant has to give permission for someone to act on their behalf

Theres no evidence he lacks capacity.

Do you think he’d do any better if he returned to his old school, in sixth form?

They may take him as he’s only missed 1 term and if he works hard he could catch-up.

Orrrrr.... He's addicted to screens /gaming so needs help to stop 👌👌
OP id be turning off the Internet overnight and removing screens from his bedroom. New house rule games consoles/tablets/phones go in a lockbox from 11pm.

Please do not continue to live under threat. I’m sure it is extremely difficult dealing with 3, the next time he does it, tell him it’s not happening anymore and you will call the police. Definitely call them, you don’t want the younger ones following him.

Does he need to swear at his mum, and be on the computer/phone all night.
Probably contributing to his problem.
How much sport does he play?
How many times a week does he go for a run?😪

Burn a white noise soundtrack to a CD or mp3 player.

Nobody in the house 'needs' the Internet on after 11.30pm

Buy a metal safe - a proper heavy metal safe and lock your phone in it, or put a lock on the door to your bedroom before turning off the Internet. You are just making excuses for why you can't do this things because you know a big temper tantrum will ensue but you have to ride that storm unfortunately - it all would have been easier had you started putting in stronger boundaries when he was way way younger.

I simply do not believe early help told you removing a teens phone is neglect or a safeguarding issue no teen has a 'right' to a phone! That is bullshit there'll be plenty of families can't afford to buy their teen a smartphone not a chance is that neglect 😂

@Allthecoloursoftherainbow4 yes they did tell me that based on the evidence that the last few times id taken it off him he ran away and needed to be brought home by the police, hence taking the phone away became a safeguarding risk..

Let him fail. He has to learn to live in a world that has rules because the world does not have to adapt to him.

OP you're not going to punish him into anything, I don't know why people are obsessed with it! He's not 7 and he's autistic. Honestly I had to laugh at the idea of an autistic teen being sporty and going for a run, but maybe there are some that way inclined.

It seems that he doesn't want to go to college - would he agree with that? Are you able to ask him why? Is the issue the college or the courses. A-levels are hard, he's unlikely to do well if he's not interested. Taking away his phone at night is not going to make him interested in his course. What subjects is he doing, how did he do at GCSE?

I'd imagine OP that he's completely lost and really struggling. His self esteem is through the floor, letting him fail will just reiterate to him further that he's a failure, he's not going to then suddenly turn his life around. The A-levels aren't working how he hoped - might be complete overwhelm from new people/college/teachers. Getting a job probably feels completely out of reach when he has so many struggles due to his ASD. It's likely he's also behind his peers in emotional maturity by up to three years.

Does he have a good relationship with any relative that could talk to him and consider his options? An uncle, grandad or family friend perhaps? Is his dad in his life? Or anyone he respects and would listen to? He really needs some positive relationships and influences to help him.

It's JCQ who award extra time etc but the learning support person is being obstructive if they are saying it's too late to apply. He's 1st year, they absolutely have time to apply, it's just that the tests are usually done en mass in October.

Also ask for extra support to be put in place now. Use this to identify what would help. Rest breaks and a smaller/separate room can be arranged by the college without any formal assessment and then it becomes "normal way of working" for that student.
https://www.jcq.org.uk/exams-office/access-arrangements-and-special-consideration/

On the other stuff, it could be burnout. DD was diagnosed at 15 after school refusal and total burnout. It was like having a toddler, she was completely incapable of any decisions, even what to eat. Even now, nearly 3 years later, I support if I can see the pressure of college is getting too much and reduce demands elsewhere ie take her to college, sort all her food out, do her washing. College are also very aware she's had several mental health challenges so they back off on things like home learning.

She essentially lost year 10 and year 11, no education, no GCSEs. I applied for an EHCP at the start of year 11 when it became apparent she needed a different approach. It took 9 months to get, so it's not a quick fix. You also need to be realistic as to what you'd be wanting - my daughter wanted to go to college, she wanted to be independent, she was just exhausted by the secondary school environment. If your son isn't engaging at all, even a 121 tutor won't help.

This.

This is what’s happening.

Reducing demands is the only way out. Listen to the advice of those who’ve been through it.

Don’t leave him to sink or swim or ‘discipline’ him. He’ll be in a mess but it’s all internal.

Talk to him about how he feels.

5 years on mine is too exhausted to make her own food even though she wants to. Don’t let him get to this state.

It’s unlikely laziness. He has Austism. It’s likely overwhelm and anxiety

Surely if he gets PIp it must be obvious that it’s more than laziness?

Does he move very slowly often? Autistic catatonia can be linked to overwhelm and burnout.

I agree, but sleeping late and staying up all night won’t help him at all. A good diet and routine would be much better, leaving him as he is will lead to poorer mental health.
I feel for you OP,
I hope you get support with his defiant attitude and aggression. It must be so hard with the baby too.
In your situation knowing how defiant kids roll, I’d have a chat, agree to let him opt out until September if he agreed to start fresh. It’ll make him feel in control, tell him you’re trusting him to stick to the schedule and if he can help out more with the little ones, give him times, bringing him out of the bedroom.
I find when they take the pressure off with a plan it helps.

They eventually regulate themselves when they get the interest and motivation to do so.

Leaving it alone is the hardest thing to do. Impossibly hard. But it’s the quickest way out.

The change to a new school/college was too much for him. Let him recover and start again. If you reduce demand the aggression will go. He’s too dysregulated to deal with anything.

This. There should be a high needs student team (or similar title) that deals with complex issues and helps put support in place. Insist on an appointment.

Hi OP, I am a teacher and a qualified exams access arrangements assessor. His college have given you misleading advice here. Of course no one can guarantee he’ll get extra time, however the deadline for submitting an application for May/June exams is end of March (& you can actually submit an application later than that if there’s extenuating circumstances which I’d say you have in terms of a late diagnosis). Google ‘JCQ deadline for exams access arrangements application 2026’ and then you can send the deadline to the college and say it is your understanding that there is still plenty of time to assess him for extra time so could they please. I’m assessing year 11s and 13s all this half term. They really do have a duty to assess him and I’m angry on your behalf that they’re not.

It would never be regarded as a safeguarding issue to not give your 16 year old a smartphone. As others have pointed out, many families can't afford to do so.

any conversation about college/important/deep chats they dont happen, if they do im called a prick, a cunt, a bitch and many other horrendous vile things youd all be shocked at if I wrote them down

How do you respond when he calls you those unacceptable things?

Attempts at removing his tech have been met with venom and threats to destroy my PC, threats to break my phone...I do not want to push him too far in case he snaps

Do you remind him that if he carries through on those threats that the natural consequence is that the police will be called and he risks arrest? Or do you teach him that making threats of violence to a much smaller woman will mean that the woman will do whatever he wants.

I have to tidy his room frequently because he wont do it
That's not a reason to tidy his room for him. Again it is teaching him that the woman he disrespects and abuses will come running to wait hand and foot for him

He openly says he doesnt like me, that he hates me and his siblings, openly mocks me and belittles me. I love the boy.

Classic abusive relationship dynamic. Does he behave this way with his girlfriend? Or does his ND only manifest itself when he is with you?

I feel so incredibly angry that its all come to this because nobody helped us

What help is it that you seek? He's had a diagnosis (which many people miss out on) and early help from the council. He won't take the medication the GP advises or engage with therapy. He's not going to change his behaviour when he gets away with it consequence-free. You won't change the way you parent him. Realistically what could others do to change the situation?

This was me this week. Tbf to my son he wanted an apprenticeship and didn’t secure one before term started so he went and did a t level plumbing but can’t get the relevant work experience required so it’s a bit of mess.

He didn’t go for three days this week. I told him for many years that I would always support him until he was earning as long as he was at college or sling something. That he has to be in the system because despite all these social media influencers bucking that trend there’s still a system you to need to be in generally to get the opps (plus he’s never going to be a social media type).

On Tuesday I took the internet work with me and didn’t same Wednesday. I also refused to cook for him he had to do it himself and basically said all the mama duties stop until you are doing something. Yesterday I arrived home and I was just really down tbh that I had a teen at home that had done nothing all day (and I’d been out for ten hours). So i literally lost my shit with him, told him it’s a cycle because I wouldn’t pay for driving lessons if he’s not going college and therefore he decreases his chances of getting an apprenticeship or job. Told him college is a stepping stone and that he just needs to attend even if he doesn’t pass true course he’s still benefitting being there. Well not proud of loosing my shit but today he was up at 5:30, ready by 7 and he’s now off the bus on his way to college.

Absolutely. Had no diagnosis through my teen years, had major school avoidance. Would self harm all the time. My mum took my BlackBerry and gave it to the teacher at school to keep for a week, obviously no music no friends I self harmed a lot more. Failed all my gcses because I was too distracted mentally with my depression/anxiety. No support from my mum/school. It's horrible

Other children needing white noise to sleep is not a good reason not to switch off the router at night. There are battery powered alarm clocks you can get that do white noise, or CDs, and neither rely on wi-fi.

I think this child is mega miserable, possibly clinically depressed. Struggling to get out of bed to do a thing he really values (visit the girlfriend) is the clue.