Teenager refuses to go to college.

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

My 16 year old DS is doing his 1st year A levels at the college in the neighbouring city (small town) he could gone to 6th form attached to his school but they 'didnt do the courses he wanted to do' which ironically the ones he wanted to do he doesnt apparently want to do them now.

Everyday is a struggle to get him there on time or even at all. He will refuse to get out of bed and then move at a speed that would make a snail look like a cheetah, so he inevitably misses the bus over and over again. Hes constantly staying up all night on the console/laptop/phone. Becomes incredibly verbally aggressive towards me, calling me names and being downright vile.

I've rang college in the past as he was put on the attendance watch list he was actually flagged straight to the head master due to it! Changed his time table so he only has 1 early start a week but he just cannot be bothered.
Told him he needs to get a job then or change his college course. He wont. Hes so entitled.

He does have Autism. And he does significantly struggle with a lot of things. But alot of these struggles are from laziness and refusing to get better sleep etc

Any advice? What can I ask college to do to help? I dont want him to throw his future away, i want him to do better than me in life.

Chuck out all his devices. Seriously.
If he's that desperate he can get a job, save up and buy new ones.

Oh and those saying "but but but ND", he can always stay up all night reading books. Books aren't normally as addictive like screens though, so chances are he won't stay up all night and will be able to get out of bed the next morning.
Screens are REWIRING HIS BRAIN. Books will also rewire his brain, of course, but not in a bad way (dependent on his reading material!).

OP I suggest you read up on PDA - Pathalogical Demand Avoidance and see if you can find some strategies that might help. As others have said, reducing demand is going to be a big part of that.

Children like this are incredibly difficult to manage, never mind great big almost adults. Don't beat yourself up for what you didn't know (or listen to those giving you a hard time), it's really not helpful. Concentrate on what you can do now to help him. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that he's not lazy and vile, he's overwhelmed and lashing out.

Re the turning off the internet thing - it’s worth checking with your provider about parental controls - I’m with Sky and I can turn off the WiFi for specific devices only and leave everything else connected - so you could turn it off for your sons devices at a certain time, but leave it on for your own, for the Alexa etc. I know EE have this also and it’s been around a while so maybe worth checking?

I think you need some ground rules and he needs to agree what he wants in life. My ND son absolutely cannot cope with things he sees as "pointless" even if they aren't to the rest of the world (e.g. school uniform, rules that don't make sense etc). So if he hasn't got a clear sense of direction he won't be motivated to overcome his challenges. Why did he pick those courses at that college in the first place? What does he want to do after? Get him to sit down and discuss this with you. What will he do if he has to leave? What will the consequences be? What are his options? Does he want to maybe drop or change a subject? Does he want to change track? If he sees the point and understands the outcomes of his actions he will likely be more motivated.
You also need to agree house rules. For example, no games console after 10pm, this needs to be agreed with a clear reason (bad for sleep), when he his feeling calm and logical, and a clear consequence (console will be taken away) needs to be agreed upfront (asd people cannot cope with surprises or illogical outcomes, he needs to know what will happen). He must either be at college or have a full time job or an apprenticeship, if he feels college isn't right and his ambitions have changed that is fine, but he needs an alternative. He must treat you with respect, discuss why this is important, discuss that it goes both ways. Running away is not ok, explain why, explain what could happen - why is he doing it, it'll be either because he can't handle his emotions or because he wants to punish you, so you need to discuss ways he can manage his emotions (which is tricky if you are on the spectrum) - look up some options for him, there are breathing exercises, music he can listen to, exercise or punching a cushion, writing things down etc. If he is cross about something, how can he express it without running away. Would he like counselling, or is there something he needs to help him with this - support is available but he must engage with it. Sleep is difficult if you have asd so speak to your GP with him, my son has melatonin and it's a God send, others use magnesium. Discuss a good bedtime routine with him, for his own lifelong health and good habits. Punishment doesn't work (e.g. irrational, if you swear at me then I take away your bike) but logical consequences do (if you can't manage healthy gaming then we can't allow you to game and we will need to control it for you, for your own good).

Personally, we also make those rules for the whole house. I don't think anyone needs the Internet after 10pm even with an Alexa and we don't have devices upstairs ever. Having asd is hard, it makes the world challenging, and sometimes you need to make adjustments to support him but it's not an excuse for his behaviour. You and he need to work together to solve these behaviours before he grows up and roles them out in the world. The college clearly have made adjustments (later starts) so he needs to meet them half way. Do work out with him if more can be done, it's fine to ask college for more support. From what you've said I sincerely doubt he'd get an ehcp, you do have to have really quite strong needs that cannot be met through normal reasonable adjustments by teachers. I think his needs can be met by them (from what you've said), he also does need to work out how he's going to attend and how he works with his asd brain to overcome the difficulties. It may take puzzling out and can be random, my son found afternoons really difficult (refusal to work, walking out), we worked out he had stopped eating school food for various reasons related to his disability (extreme fussy eating and noise in the lunch hall), rhe fatigue plus not eating was making his traits stronger and he was less able to cope, once we sent in a packed lunch and arranged a quiet library space at lunchtime so he could read and take a break, he was back to his hardworking self all afternoon. Yes, the world and college and parents can make adjustments for disabilities BUT he needs to ask for the adjustments, and he needs to manage them (e.g. my son makes his lunch, remembers a book, goes to the library and then makes himself focus all afternoon). It's a discussion with him that works through;
What's going wrong?
Why?
What needs to change?
What is a good outcome for you and him?
What help can you give?
What help can college give?
What is he going to do differently?
What's the outcome if he doesn't do these things (micro level e.g. no gaming, macro level he can't get a job or any independence)