Teenager refuses to go to college.

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

My 16 year old DS is doing his 1st year A levels at the college in the neighbouring city (small town) he could gone to 6th form attached to his school but they 'didnt do the courses he wanted to do' which ironically the ones he wanted to do he doesnt apparently want to do them now.

Everyday is a struggle to get him there on time or even at all. He will refuse to get out of bed and then move at a speed that would make a snail look like a cheetah, so he inevitably misses the bus over and over again. Hes constantly staying up all night on the console/laptop/phone. Becomes incredibly verbally aggressive towards me, calling me names and being downright vile.

I've rang college in the past as he was put on the attendance watch list he was actually flagged straight to the head master due to it! Changed his time table so he only has 1 early start a week but he just cannot be bothered.
Told him he needs to get a job then or change his college course. He wont. Hes so entitled.

He does have Autism. And he does significantly struggle with a lot of things. But alot of these struggles are from laziness and refusing to get better sleep etc

Any advice? What can I ask college to do to help? I dont want him to throw his future away, i want him to do better than me in life.

Op there is a group on facebook called parenting mental health. It is a very supportive group and you can ask advice of people that have been there.

Are you in England OP? Can he get a job or does he still need to be in education/training?

I had the same with my son, Please listen to what others have said regarding autism. If you suspect he may be autistic, fight for a diagnosis. This behaviour is text book. The sleeping is an escape, he's overwhelmed.
Before mine was officially diagnosed, we tried all the usual things, cutting internet time, taking his phone away, nothing worked. The thought of having to go was worse then losing anything.
Once you know, things get easier and you'll get advice etc and I understand him so much more, as he does himself.
He now works full time and has a great social life. If you do suspect he is autistic please look into it.

If you can't parent him with consequences then my advice is "let him".

Let him miss the bus, let him fail.

That has its own drawbacks though.

I know you say you can't take the tech away but if you're scared of him then you can't actually do anything effective to force a behaviour change because he knows he can do what he wants.

The reality is that he won't ever be able to keep a job and move out if he can't keep a schedule.

He won't have a wife or kids if his default to getting challenged is to become aggressive.

So personally I'd force that to a head sooner rather than later hut I say that as someone who hasn't had nearly 2 decades of parenting multiple kids so appreciate you are likely a bit more worn out than me!

Does he socialise online? Made any friends at college?

Diagnosis has collided with starting new school with new friends and new routine.

But, verbally abusive and feeling like you could be physically threatened is not ok.

And he applied for PIP himself?

You were lucky.

Mine was so severely in. burnout she self harmed. And is still struggling with burnout 5 years later.

However after an EHCP and refusal to attend school for 18 months, she did an Access course and attends a redbrick.

She was too ill to ‘aquire strategies’ Yet she got better and entered the adult world, doing just what l posted. And pretty fast too. Shes still only 19

It’s not about parenting. It’s about the level of the disability.

All through this we were supported by a pyschologist who worked at the centre where she was assessed (nhs). Their advice was reduce demand, let her sleep when she wants. and don’t remove phone. And it worked. This pyschologist had a PhD in ND.

My son was / is like this . As you’ll know - punishments with autistic boys just don’t work the same way. I could remove every thing from my son and he would just lay in bed .

what does seem to have sunk in a bit is telling him that he is on the road to failure . He’s gonna be stuck living with me forever and be skint and a shit life …. I think this realisation has started to sink in and he’s improved his attendance.

It's very difficult to parent a child you are afraid of, I absolutely get that.

But if you don't change anything, nothing is going to change. I don't accept any of your dc need internet access overnight. There must be alternatives for those needing sounds to sleep that aren't reliant on the internet.

If your ds was a little older I'd be suggesting you leave him to make his mistakes, but actually he's still a child who needs support. You sounds angry with him, which is understandable, but I wonder if you can get some help to process that, because I suspect the situation is related to his disability rather than him deliberately being a pain?

Ultimately, he probably isn't able to change this without help. I would be turning the router off (do you have a friend or relative who could stay with you to help for the first few days of this?) and offering something nice that raises his dopamine first thing in the morning (bring a nice breakfast in bed maybe) to try to help him get going.

Call the police if he gets physically aggressive

You can't teach him the life lesson that if he gets physically threatening he can do what he wants

Thanks for your post. I agree. Same with my dd. Only she left college. It wasn't for her. I had all the usual she won't survive in life etc. She has managed to get a job as a receptionist and is a different person , not perfect not NT . But better.

Natural consequences do work and if my dd leaves her job then she won't have money. When she was in burnout she wouldn't have cared about losing her phone etc. We have had some awful situations but it can get better.

I agree with this. My dd is the same age and has asd. I have found it difficult to take devices away for similar reasons but I have turned things around that she now has to 'earn' her devices. The default is that i have possession of them, and if she goes to bed at a particular time, gets to school etc she gets them. It doesn't always work but things are improving.

Part of me is angry with him because im watching him throw his life away in real time and I want him to be better than me, and also alot of my anger comes from years of being verbally abused by him, if any of you have had the unpleasant experience of being called names and mocked and belittled by your child/ren then you will understand the complex emotions that come with it.
Im angry with myself for believing everyone else telling me it was ME and all in my head for most of his life and almost allowing it to get to this point.

I love my children dearly and I want them all to succeed, I wish I could help my eldest but I dont know where to turn, college is proving unhelpful, ive been asking for support and there's apparently very little they can do if anything. Hes missed the deadline for help with things with final assessments etc because that was in October but he was only diagnosed in November.. so theres no guarantee they will accept him having extra time/help etc which seems rather discriminatory to me.

You can't possibly know all this. Are you seriously saying an autistic person can't be lazy?

YANBU, but please bear in mind FE college can be challenging for some young people. Especially if he has ASD. Also, and I hope I'm wrong here, but bullying is rife in colleges

I would
Ask to speak to the people in college who support children with special educational needs or disabilities. Send them his autism assessment and ask how they are going to support your son whilst you apply for the EHCP

Rubbish! I’m autistic and I’m an early bird. Always have been.

I also managed to attend college at his age and gain qualifications.

Being autistic isn’t an excuse to drop out of life. Yes, I get overwhelmed by certain tasks and have learnt coping mechanisms over the years. That’s what you have to do.

This is more about gaming late at night and possibly (gaming) addiction.

But the OP needs to try some tough love first and not give him such a cushy lifestyle as she won’t always be there for him. He’s going to have to learn some independence and think about what he wants his future to look like.

No. But l know from bitter experience and working with supportive professionals that ND adolescents struggle with college/school attendance and just transition to adult life.

They get there eventually but it takes longer. It is a disability! It may manifest as laziness at that age but it’s usually long term overwhelm and one of the symptoms is extreme tiredness. Like chronic fatigue.

ive been in contact with the learning support person and they have said there's very little they can do or offer and that we've missed the deadline for extra time in assessments etc as that was October but he didnt get diagnosed until November and they cant guarantee he will get accepted now as it's an external body apparently. I've asked if we can apply for an EHCP and theyve not responded yet.

I'm so sorry OP, giving a virtual hug here.
Our son's phone switches off at 9pm and goes to a cupboard downstairs for the night, but he has little interest in it anyway (and no apps). We just got him interested in books, sports and other hobbies since very early age, rather than social media and online life. He doesn't even have a game console (sometimes we pay for the cloud gaming). We said, you want to game, then you create one instead of wasting your time, so he learnt how to do it. He is ND and hyperactive, has periods of anxiety, but we've seen that wasting time online makes it worse, so it's better to redirect this to some physical activity (sports 5x a week) and other fun hobbies. I don't agree at all with using Internet as a regulation tool that helps ND children - it seems to work only short-term but creates huge problems long-term (addiction, increased aggression, as we can see here). I think with ND children you need some kind of strategy and strong rules and boundaries since an early age. I'm not sure what can help at 16 when very little has been done till now and the child could have his way all the time. Was he like this at 10-12? When did he get the phone/gaming devices? They should have been removed as soon as you saw the aggression/deterioration of his behaviour. I'm sorry it has come to this.

This. He apparently managed to get good enough GCSEs to go on to A levels - which, of course, can be a bit of a shock to many students because they're a lot harder.

What's he spending the PIP on, OP? I'd be getting him to pay for his own phone out of that, with perhaps the carrot that you'll take over paying again once he's got himself properly sorted out and either doing college properly or finding another route forward.

It helped my dd long term.

And my undiagnosed ds.

Is it worth letting him quit college and focussing on strategies to manage his autism for the rest of this academic year? Start again in September having already met the college SEND support team to ensure adequate support is in place? Does he want to do A-levels or would a BTEC or equivalent suit him better? He can still go to university with those qualifications if he wants.

My DD was diagnosed at 8 and showed some really challenging behaviour in primary as she struggled in the school environment. We are lucky that she is much better at home. She dropped out of college a year ago but started again and is now excelling and absolutely loves it. She is doing an extended diploma because she struggles with exams but has already started thinking about uni. It’s really common for them to start college a year later after a false start/not liking their first choice of subject. Some young people can take a bit longer to get started, particularly with SEN, but if he wants it he will get there.

Can’t advise on the threats I’m afraid as not experienced that. We have always been really strict around sleep and technology so that isn’t too much of a battle. In fact sleep has got better as anxiety has reduced due to loving college and being out of school which was a difficult environment for me her.

That’s you.

You have no understanding of how severe things can get.

I had a motivated hardworking teen who was desperate to go to school but just couldn’t. She was so ambitious and determined. And burnout knocked her sideways.

Just because you got through doesn’t mean everyone else can. What a belittling and narrow minded post. She couldn’t even leave the house.

Do you work for the government? Trying to pretend everyone can breeze through and fakes it.

I’m suprised someone with ASD thinks like this. It is a spectrum after all….

Learning support at the college isn’t necessarily the people who deal with the special educational needs- in my experience of colleges, learning support is general to all students. I think you just need to ask the question- who can I speak to who is responsible for supporting children with special educational needs/ the special education needs provision in the school

Lots of teens struggle with the change to post 16 education. More so if he is neuro diverse.
At this stage, he has options as he can have 3 years post year 11 further education.
Work out options with him. Is it the course? Is it content, the level, the people?