Teenager refuses to go to college.

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

My 16 year old DS is doing his 1st year A levels at the college in the neighbouring city (small town) he could gone to 6th form attached to his school but they 'didnt do the courses he wanted to do' which ironically the ones he wanted to do he doesnt apparently want to do them now.

Everyday is a struggle to get him there on time or even at all. He will refuse to get out of bed and then move at a speed that would make a snail look like a cheetah, so he inevitably misses the bus over and over again. Hes constantly staying up all night on the console/laptop/phone. Becomes incredibly verbally aggressive towards me, calling me names and being downright vile.

I've rang college in the past as he was put on the attendance watch list he was actually flagged straight to the head master due to it! Changed his time table so he only has 1 early start a week but he just cannot be bothered.
Told him he needs to get a job then or change his college course. He wont. Hes so entitled.

He does have Autism. And he does significantly struggle with a lot of things. But alot of these struggles are from laziness and refusing to get better sleep etc

Any advice? What can I ask college to do to help? I dont want him to throw his future away, i want him to do better than me in life.

OP, I completely understand, and my heart goes out to you. Im in a similar boat. My life would not be worth living if I turned off the router. I tried it when he was 12 and he had no qualms about screaming, banging on my bedroom door and throwing things until 3am. My nervous system just could not. He's bigger and stronger now, and thankfully is going to college. But by god, it was tough!

This is not the same for all ND kids. The Op says it won't work for hers so in this case you are right but all neurodivergent kids are different and for some, turning the router off would be the right thing to do.

Well we dont know if it wouldnt work for OPs son because she hasnt been able to be consistent with it out of fear. Thats not her fault but it means it isnt able to be tested.

When much much younger children like this go into care, this is what they're like for days, weeks, months etc, until they finally respond to the rules and boundaries and start to be able to manage and regulate slightly better.

But this is when they're much younger the parenting needs to be predictable and consistent from very very early on. OP had some poor advice about not removing this and that, and possibly with other parenting strategies.

At 16, he is not likely to be responsive to this and OP needs to be safe.

He gets pip he can buy his own data. Maybe there is a bigger argument for why pip is at 16 and not 18.

That is a very good point.

Of course but my point was the old standard tropes often don't work. Clearly there is an exception to every situation.

OP, you don't have to fill out forms to apply for an EHCP. Use the template letter on IPSEA.

A 16 year old is a child and needs help from parents to keep healthy. Staying up late is not healthy. You need to remove phone etc at night. It is admittedly harder when there is SEN involved but in my experience is even more important to remove phones and laptop and create a good bed time routine. They will push back initially but it's so important.

Yes you can. It won't be easy or enjoyable for you but parenting is rarely easy. You have to put the effort in, for his own good. I've been called all the names under the sun and pushed etc but I am the parent and it is my job to support my child even when it is difficult.

I dont think you should beat yourself up OP. Like others have said, he might have always been like this.

He may well be burnt out. You cant make him attend college. Can you reduce the demands on him, while at the same time explaining that if he doesn't go, he will be asked to leave. And work on getting him an ECHP?

Ignore all the people that say take devices away.

I’m sure your other kids could manage without Alexa! They could use their phones or yours if they don’t have one and really must have ‘sounds’.

Tell your son, you think he needs to have his phone for college and bus route timetable etc.. but that’s it. So if he’s not going into college he no longer needs it and you’ll cancel the phone.

Say the internet has gone down for the whole street at 10pm - nothing you can do about it. Keep the WiFi intermittently working throughout the week to achieve what you need to achieve.

You’re the adult, be in charge!

Punishment can definitely work. Autism doesn't make a child incapable of understanding consequences. They're autistic; not incapable of understanding.

Either you set him some rules and expect him to play ball, or you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Make a choice and live with it.

That sounds so hard. I truly feel for you op.

There are residential schools for teenagers with high functioning autism. I think you get referred from the council, I worked in one briefly. A change of scene and some specialist help would probably be beneficial. I am afraid he fits the bill for these places nicely. You have your other kids to think about. I was diagnosed with dyslexia just before I turned 20 and my experiences completely match yours even though it was now over 20 years ago. (My mum was a trained SENCO!)

He is refusing to engage with education and aggressive and violent. He will not be offered a place

And thats after the hurdles needed which is that an EHCP is needed (26 weeks at least), with the school named as the identified provision for him. This requires mainstream provisions to say that they cant meet need. It requires other provisions to say they cant then meet need. It then requires an assessment and decision that he needs residential school over day school, why would that be the case? That hasnt been identified by professionals as vital.

Question-assuming OP does understand. What's the way forward? Ask the college for more reasonable adjustments? Leave and find apprenticeship? Tutor/mentor?

@Obscurity my other 2 children are 7 and 2 and the 7 year old has ADHD, cannot sit in silence as it makes his ears hurt (tinnitus due to the ADHD) and my 2 year old is a terrible sleeper so needs white noise to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time. They cannot use my phone as I need it to keep an eye on the baby monitor (again 2 year old doesnt sleep well and need to be on the ball so 7 year old doesnt get disturbed as they share a room) so unfortunately yes the Alexa is a must.

You say im the adult be in charge, like its as simple as that when my teenager will not follow rules regardless of consequences imposed and towers over me.

As ive said previously if I try and take the phone away he threatens to smash my PC/phone up which im sorry but I wont risk this, I didnt spend £1000 on a PC to have it destroyed and I didn't spend the last 3 years paying off a decent phone to have it smashed up. Yes I could call the police if he was to do the above but due to them 2 items being the only items I have that arent insured id of lost a lot of money. Also the name calling is a huge trigger for me, it affects me deeply and he knows this, its his go to thing. Some of his behaviours are a power play. Some are to manipulate and some are down to Autism and his struggles I am finding it difficult to differentiate between the 3 of what is in which category.. I can cancel his contract its on a monthly roll on now. Hed have to pay as you go instead that I can do, physically removing it? Cannot do it. Turning the Internet off at 10pm may seem like an option but there is more than just him who uses it, putting aside my other 2 needing the Alexa, I use it for Netflix and my own gaming downtime, my partner uses it for his own PC, I have CCTV running outside that requires WIFI, a WIFI baby monitor etc so its not really an option.

Id love to take the tech away from him but it wouldnt happen without a massive meltdown..

My original queries was how to help him with college.

@InterestedDad37 Thats the problem either of those options dont work! Do you really think I havent tried to place rules and boundaries down and expectations and non negotiables? Or do you think i let him run riot?

Thankfully he doesnt smoke/vape/take drugs or drink and he doesnt go out so he isnt a menace to society, so in that regard im quite lucky.

Similar boat here with my DD, first year of college diagnosed last weekend, although we knew, she was really struggling with the increased workload, she can't do self led learning which college is 50%, she is very intelligent, did well at GCSE's, but just can't cope with college.
She has decided to drop an A-level and just do the 2 to make it more manageable. Have you been in to speak to college, I went in and had a meeting where we discussed, with my DD, how they could support her, they were really good, she has a couple of weekly 1-1's set up now for extra support and they are looking at how they can strip back the homework for her as much as possible.
Autistic people can get really tired on a normal day, my girl often sleeps after school/college as it takes more energy to just be them in a NT environment.
Mine is a night owl too, I've read that they prefer being awake in the night as there are no other people around and they can just fully relax and be themselves.
Try not to be too hard on him, I know easier said than done, but he's showing you he's finding it hard, work with him and college to find a workable solution.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies.

You don’t need to use the LA’s form when requesting an EHCNA. You can use IPSEA’s model letter, SOSSEN’s model letter or a letter of your own.

Sounds like they have made adjustments for him to attend later in the day but he doesnt want it

I think we really need to move away from pushing kids in academia when its not suited for them, or at least not right now, they can always go back to it

Agreed. And and EHCP for sure. Maybe something hands on?

You can request to drop an A level but schools will require evidence for that and it does pose some issues, as schools are funded to deliver 3 x level 3 courses. It may be more straightforward to re-start year 12 at the old school IF you think that will reduce some of the barriers to education.

I'm not sure what you meant about the extra time - if he's in year 12 that's not an external deadline unless he's doing an AS or BTEC or something - which assessments was it regarding - mid year mocks? Summer exams?

So, his PIP funding isn't actually going towards things that might assist with his disability - it's basically free money?

I have ASD who is first year at college. She’s ok melatonin to help with sleep, my AuDHD DS13 also has melatonin.
DD has an EHCP which can help with support, does he struggle with things like noise? Buses? My DD cannot cope with too much overstimulation so can’t travel of the bus, gets completely overwhelmed with noise so wears very powerful noise cancelling headphones.
how about the change, did he get support with the transition to a new college ?
its hard work but maybe consider her retaking this year, but in the meantime get the above in place. The PIP should be used for things like headphones, things that help support his education and life, it’s not pocket money