Teenager refuses to go to college.

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

My 16 year old DS is doing his 1st year A levels at the college in the neighbouring city (small town) he could gone to 6th form attached to his school but they 'didnt do the courses he wanted to do' which ironically the ones he wanted to do he doesnt apparently want to do them now.

Everyday is a struggle to get him there on time or even at all. He will refuse to get out of bed and then move at a speed that would make a snail look like a cheetah, so he inevitably misses the bus over and over again. Hes constantly staying up all night on the console/laptop/phone. Becomes incredibly verbally aggressive towards me, calling me names and being downright vile.

I've rang college in the past as he was put on the attendance watch list he was actually flagged straight to the head master due to it! Changed his time table so he only has 1 early start a week but he just cannot be bothered.
Told him he needs to get a job then or change his college course. He wont. Hes so entitled.

He does have Autism. And he does significantly struggle with a lot of things. But alot of these struggles are from laziness and refusing to get better sleep etc

Any advice? What can I ask college to do to help? I dont want him to throw his future away, i want him to do better than me in life.

He has autism

or is this how you treat disabled people in wheelchairs that block your way
Kick them !!!

And sure, he won’t like it. He’ll get used to it, though. Eventually they get rewarded for the success.

People saying ‘take this away’ or ‘take that away’ don’t understand what it’s like to have a hulking teenager threatening you verbally and physically. And if he’s autistic this will only be multiplied because the need to have the things that make his world is much stronger. Please stop offering useless advice.

This is the deal ... I pay for x, y, z. You go to college and do the work and (whatever he does at home).

If you are unhappy with the deal, what do you propose you do so you get x, y, z? If we can't come to an agreement in tbus then im going to withdraw from proving x, y, z.
It may be that he just needs to get a job for now.

Yeah that’ll work REALLy well if he’s ND.

Why didn’t l think of that?🤦🏽‍♀️

Well said

But surely you can turn it off at midnight once your younger ones are sleep?

You’re letting him rule the roost. This is your house, not his. No way would my DS17 be allowed to behave like this. If he assaulted me I would call the police on him.

There must be a way of providing his transport pass the old fashioned way? Contact the bus company and ask.

He needs consequences and he needs them quickly.

He can be taken out and nothing will happen. I did it with my son because he wasn’t coping at all. I had a phone call to make sure everything was ok and that’s it

I’ve got two DSs - I know very well what it’s like when they square up to you. But giving in is not the solution. They need consequences- it is the only way they learn, in my experience.

Mad because this works for my autistic child.
Almost as though autism is a spectrum and what works for some may not work for others.

My daughter has asd and PDA. Pathological demand avoidance (quite common is ND children) she struggles massively at school. You are putting demands on him that his brain can't compute, so he's lashing out (i don't condone that behavior)
You can't parent ND children the same as NT children. There's loads of support groups on fb that will be able to help you. You need to do some reading up about asd to understand how his brain works.
Speak to pastoral at school, they should be able to offer advise and support.
Good luck

If He’s not committed to college he needs to leave. It’s not the end of the world and he can always go back. The bigger issue I think is his violence towards you. This is only going to get worse if there’s no consequences for him.

Autistic people do not change their ‘behaviour’ based on an in the future reward
It needs to be seen ‘at the time’ and needs to be specific to the individual and directly related to the activity
Some
Not all
Young Autistic kids can benefit from reward charts for example

do your homework and you get a homework star
clean your room and you get a new poster for it
for example
With the reward given at the time of completion

Whilst there is no single answer for all autistic people because humans are all different
It is understood that a better future of employment prospects 5 years down the line as a means to encourage perceived ‘normal’ schedules and behaviours just isn’t going to work at all.
Not all brains work the same

You sound scared of him? You can absolutely make rules up around screen time overnight, if he is verbally or physically abusing you you need to talk to the police.

Autistic teens need boundaries just like all teens.

My dd is autistic so I know what it’s like to hold firm boundaries and come up against a lot of backlash. As a pp pointed out autistic or not they have to understand behaviour has consequences 🤷‍♀️

Again, you cannot speak for all autistic people. Rewards do work for some. These type of blanket statements on autistic individuals are helping no one.
OP knows her own son, it sounds like he’s simply tired because he’s spending too much time on screens.

What an educated, erudite and intelligent post. Full of wisdom and knowledge…

If you re read my post you can clearly see I did not state my comment was for all
I said all humans are different

There are plenty of caveats in my statement to make that very clear

He is tired because his sleep schedule aligns with that of his ND and not the rest of the countries. He needs therapy to support his understanding and give him coping strategies. As I stated in my first post

To render it somewhat irrelevant to be honest

And I repeat, not to you specifically, but if this was a partner, we would be saying 'its ok, just do what he says because he might hit you if you challenge and he is ND so he cant manage the same as someone else'

Really?

I pity this boys future partners.

He needs support and therapy so that he can manage life

OP hasn’t yet stated whether he is in a programme for that

I love this

Just sending love, OP, it’s so hard. I have two DC - youngest is academic high achiever - eldest arrived at school with an adult reading age but crashed out with no qualifications and is currently attending about 1/5 of his college week. He has ADHD diagnosed, probably also PDA variant of ASD. Also living with loss of his dad. I have had police out several times in last few weeks. We have been referred left, right and centre and every single service has referred us to another one - not a single person will help us. I’ve tried everything. Incidentally my son isn’t on devices at night so this may well be a red herring.

Tba I’m just trying to stay sane and in work right now - things will change if you change nothing because these kids don’t stay 16.

Perhaps he’s best taking an evening course at college, if he likes being up late and sleeping in? Perhaps start fresh somewhere like an apprenticeship or working evenings somewhere? No one wants to get up early and travel but we do it for the goal. What’s his goal? Talk to him. Because the last thing you want is him staying home and gaming for years to come!

I haven't read all the replies but I can see there's a mix of parents with ND experience and those who don't understand that you need to parent a teenager with ASD and who is struggling differently.

How was he at school? As you haven't said anything I'm assuming he was generally OK and attended OK.

This is therefore potentially a change in his behaviour linked to a new environment that he's not coping with.

The staying up all night is caused by the circadian rhythm in the neurodiverse being different to the normal day/night rhythm. It's worsened when they are not coping with their daytime environment. The anxiety and overthinking makes it impossible to sleep. I also believe there's an element of self preservation in that being too tired gives a physical reason to not be able to be in college.

Is he still managing any social activities? Managing to leave the house to go to the shops etc? Assuming he did that before.

If there's a change in all aspects of behaviour and he's locked away in his room almost all of the time then I would say you have a teen on the brink of autistic burnout. Google it. I can't sugar coat it but burnout is horrific and removing the WiFi really won't cure it. Sadly I only know this from experience and the benefit of hindsight and knowledge I really wish I'd had during or before my teenager's mental health crisis.

Getting an EHCP is hard and time consuming. I'm not sure that is the right route. The college sound rubbish. He's 1 term in to A'levels and they're saying they can't get him extra help - absolutely rubbish.

Do you have any alternatives for college? Can he move to a different course that he enjoys or a different college yo carry on.

I'd contact your NEET (not in education or employment or training team) at your Local Authority. Tell them you have a 16 year old in danger of dropping out and becoming NEET and can they help.

Something needs to change to help him feel happier and able to cope. Just trying to keep going won't work - I also learnt that the hard way. Good luck.

If he is determined not to get up and go what exactly can you do?
He has his PIP money which will seem like plenty at the moment because he doesn't have to pay any bills but that won't last forever.

What does he say when you just talk to him, say late afternoon, when he's in an ok mood. Have you asked him what he wants exactly?

He might just have picked the wrong courses, he could start again next college year, does he want to earn money when he is an adult? How would he like to do that?

I would first of all sit down together and talk to him like an equal, ask him what he wants and then work out from there what can be done, if anything, to make his life more that.

What is his understanding of calling you names and potentially getting aggressive, or running away if he doesn't get his internet? Does he understand that isn't how a job will ever work. Does he have a friend who could talk to him?

A levels are not easy, for them to be worth the time and effort students need to be in as many lessons as they can AND do a heap of work on top. They really are only for those wanting to go to university, and if he isn't even getting up for college university would be a whole heap of wasted cash and time, or for academic students that still have no idea what they want to do. In reality he is probably getting further and further behind, becoming more frustrated and college will chuck him out eventually.

His autism diagnosis is very recent, personally I would consider sacking off this year of college, getting a EHCP in place to allow further adult study, finding support and strategies to get him in a more even keel place emotionally and then tackle future education and work.

You deciding what he should be doing isn't going to work, you can talk him through options and support his choices but you can't make them for him.

Let him game and sleep, point out that he will see or hear of friends/peers from school getting jobs, moving away to university, growing up and he might get left behind. Is he ok with that?

So yeah I would write this academic year off and start afresh in September basically, or not perhaps work is the better option. But I would still write this college year off and get him to rethink things through now with the new information you have.

Hi OP

For one who has been there, the first thing I would say to you is DON’T PANIC. A-Levels do not need to be done at 16, universities can be attended at any age. We put these arbitrary dates against achievements, and feel like we / them are failing.

DD was diagnosed at 17, we had a full two years of EBSA at school, she then did 1 day at college and never went back, the year after she managed a year..then stopped. She’s now 19, at college, loving the course, going in every day. She’s really matured over this last 6 months or so, it’s been great to see.

She’s been on Sertraline since she was 16, and she has therapy every couple of weeks.

Turning off WI-Fi and removing gadgets didn’t work, and a professional pointed out to me when she was 15, that it would never work, so I stopped at this point.

At 19 she’s making much better choices around gaming and (not) stopping up all night.

She’s had a zero hours job at a local venue for the past year - kiosk, which has been great.

What’s important is to not make this a battle, you are on the same side .. if not college, then what is it he wants to do.

Remember, you have time.