Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

[LostLostLostLost]

DP’s drinking has crossed the line on multiple occasions. I have asked him to stop entirely. He thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

Of course he thinks you're being controlling, he doesn't want to stop.

You can't make him stop drinking, but you can stop the relationship.

Is he an alcoholic?

Not if they are a functioning alcoholic and their drinking is affecting other people or themselves. Give them the option to stop drinking or they leave

However the danger now is that he will turn this into a power game with you as he’s clearly got little self reflection over his own drinking habits. I would be careful now of what you do next as any sign of attempting to “control” him as he’s framing it is now giving him the excuse to drink. A poll here isn’t going to help you persuade him you are right. Once a person has gone into the denial phase of drinking and then framing you as the problem for noticing, you will need to learn new techniques and tools in order to deal with him so he listens. But depending on how bad it is you may not be able to influence anything.
When you say crosses the line, what kind of things do you mean?

Generally speaking I don't think asking a question is controlling if you accept no as an answer.

In this specific situation, I think it depends what "crossing the line" means to you. If he's just getting a bit drunk occasionally - yeah you're probably being OTT. If he's smashing the house up and calling you every name under the sun - not unreasonable at all.

YANBU to ask but he Wnbu to say no if he’s not ready.
He needs to do it for himself and to want to do it.

In the past two years he has:

• drunk drove including drinking whilst driving
• drunk drove with his children in the car
• messaged escorts
• lied about drinking and hidden evidence
• day drunk whilst in sole charge of children
• passed out whilst looking after children
• wet the bed
• drunk at work (then drove home) repeatedly

Since being challenged, he’s managed bouts of sobriety, but these don’t last. He is now drinking far less, but still not in a manner I think is “normal.” I don’t think he is capable of drinking responsibly so I would like him to stop entirely, or we end the relationship.

Yeah. That’s rehab or divorce territory.

It's fine to issue the ultimatum given your update, he's breaking the law and acting irresponsibly and dangerously when in charge of minors. These would be definite deal breakers for me in a relationship. You have to be prepared to follow through though and leave the relationship if he's refusing to give up alcohol completely.

Yes I voted YABU because it is controlling. You can't tell him to stop drinking. And it won't work, he has to decide for himself. My DH is an alcoholic and it was the hardest lesson for me to learn. I can't control him. I can only make my own choices and tell him how is drinking is affecting me. What I did feel was reasonable which borders on the edge of this was give up drinking myself and say I wouldn't have alcohol in the house. This was after a serious incident so he could agree his drinking was damaging, if your partner doesn't have this insight then he might not agree to it. Of course my DH didn't stick to it but it made the line clearer. Then I had to make my own choices, to live with an alcoholic or leave. You have to separate controlling him from making your own choices, you can only control your self.

What do you mean by 'crossed the line' and how often is this happening? It's very hard to venture an opinion based on the limited information you've given!

Ah just seen you've added an update! Ignore me 😂

Just leave him as he’s not going to change and report him to the police. You need to keep your kids safe

I’d have been gone the minute he drunk drove, let alone with the children in the car. I’d have actually shopped him to the police for that and moved out that day. No tolerance, he could have killed your children and you’re still with him? Fuck waiting around for him to stop drinking, leave now and apply for sole custody.

What the fuck, he needs to be kicked out/divorced.

It is controlling to insist but also not unreasonable if the relationship will end if he doesn't control himself.

He has to want to stop himself.

I’d have left. That list is atrocious. Wouldn’t be wasting my time with him or risking my kids lives.
You can be controlling - control your own life and future and make a life without him.
i wouldn’t consider spending any time trying to negotiate or barter with an alcoholic, he’s made his choice and it’s himself and his addiction.

It is controlling - you're trying to control his alcohol consumption. I can entirely understand your motivation as I, too, have been in a situation where I felt the need to ask a partner to stop drinking. Nevertheless it is controlling behaviour.

You can only control yourself and your own choices. Your choice is whether or not you wish to be in a relationship with someone who has an alcohol problem.

On reading this, I can only say - leave him. It won't get better.

Are you worried if you seperate, your children will potentially end up in a car with him drunk again and you'll be powerless to stop it? Did you report him to the police at the time or did he say it would never happen again? Understand it feels very complicated when they promise you they'll change and they need their vehicle for work to keep a roof over your head, but he needs to be reported.

YANBU not to have kicked him out the first time he drunk drove

Well you can ask but it doesn't mean they will.

If they are a genuine alcoholic then your words won't be enough to compel him to stop as it's a very strong physical and psychologically addictive substance. It's also very very easily available and socially acceptable. Often encouraged. So even those who WANT to quit will struggle quite severely.

If he isn't an alcoholic, and drinks lightly/moderately and it doesn't cause any issues or negative changes in his personality then it would seem unreasonable for you to demand he stops.

Yes, this is exactly my worry. If I am not present to monitor him, I worry his behaviour will worsen, and the children are powerless.

I did report it to the police.

Are these your DC ? Regardless of that I'd LTB, and make sure those DC are safe

It's not controlling, it's wasting your time. Get him out before he kills somebody - such as your children.

I reported it to the police and children’s services at the time and he agreed to stop entirely and go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

He has since relapsed after drinking (sensibly) over NY.