Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

[LostLostLostLost]

DP’s drinking has crossed the line on multiple occasions. I have asked him to stop entirely. He thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

Would he get it, being an alcoholic who drives drunk with them in the car?

Why would he fight for custody when he's not able to get sober? To avoid paying maintenance? To spite you? To "prove" he doesn't habe a problem? It surely isn't because he thinks it's in the children's best interests.

I don’t have enough concrete evidence about drink driving. This was going on regularly in the past, but when I found out, it stopped until now. I only know when he turns up smelling of booze. On the one time I knew he was drink driving, I did call the police and he was arrested but then the case was dropped.

If I have ever accused him, he denies it or claims to have only had one and I have no way to prove or disprove that, only my suspicions on his demeanor.

I don’t have access to his bank accounts and his workplace wouldn’t do alcohol tests.

This

He doesn’t (yet) have a conviction for drunk driving.

He would want access to prove a point that he’s a good father, to be able to influence the children, and to spite me. He loves his children but for the last few years, his parenting has been neglectful.

I would be telling him to leave in your position.
Of course it is okay to ask them to stop, when it impacts your life directly.
He has passed the point of any reconciliation.

If DH drinks too much now, he'll drink too much in the future, maybe way too much by then.
Depending on his personality and sense of awareness, he might be open to being mindful of cutting back, but if he's decided you're being controlling, rather than caring about him and his health and safety, then the only way to please you both is to cut off the relationship. Drinking too much doesn't heal itself easily, not even when the person doing it is trying to do it for themselves.

The problem with alcoholism is that even if you stop drinking, for however long you have stopped, the disease keeps progressing. This means that when you start up again it's even worse than when you stopped.

He will currently be making bargains with himself about moderate drinking and only having X amount and stopping in order to persuade himself that he can carry on drinking like a 'normal' person, but the disease will be there in the background, waiting to claim him and do URS worst.

You've done all the right things so far to keep your kids as safe as you can, but staying with him doesn't protect them 100%. You can't control everything and it only takes one time he gets behind tgdwheel with them for disaster to happen, as you know.

You have to leave. It might be the one thing that saves him..

He loves alcohol more than anyone or anything. More than he loves you, your children and his job. Let that sink in because thats the hard part to understand.

You need to go to every agency and anyone that can offer you help and support that you can. You need to get away from him as soon as reasonably possible because only then will he believe that you mean to take a stand but more importantly your children have to be more important to you than he is.

None of us have any idea how this will play out. perhaps when you leave it will be the wake up call he needs, he will stop and you can re examine your relationship. but perhaps he will just carry on drinking until he gets done for drink driving or done by his employer.

Personally, I would talk to the police, give them his car reg number and tell them you know he drinks and drives. he needs to start getting stopped a few times and breatherlysed because he needs to be taken off of the road.

You cannot fix him. you cannot make him stop. you cannot make this right. You are powerless in relation to him and what he does. what you can fix and control is your response to it. so put your energies into dealing with yourself and your children and ignore him. if he lives with you go and see a solicitor start the process now. save your energy for the people that matter - you and your children.

The wider context is what's critical here (provided in later posts).
He sounds like an alcoholic.
As their parent, you have to prioritize their safety.
It is not unreasonable for you to expect your partner to be able to abide by the law (designed to keep people safe) and urinate within the designated area's at home (AKA the toilet).
The bar is really low if that's unreasonable.

I think you've got your double negatives in a muddle there.

OP, if, as it seems, you're saying, "stop this unacceptable behaviour or the relationship is over" then YANBU.

Gosh poor you, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I guess you give him an ultimatum - get sober today or you leave - but you have to mean it.

You sound smart and strong, you will be fine.

How is it controlling to ask a man to stop drinking to keep his family safe?

He says it is controlling because he doesn't want to stop therefore deflects the blame to you.

Its that old adage, you can't change or control him but you can change how you react. You have to tell him to leave, get social services back involved so they can see the children are at risk. You can then arrange that he only has supervised access to the children.

You are being unreasonable to let your children live with this person

• :drunk drove with his children in the car

Because the courts operate on ‘It’s in the best interests of children to have a relationship with both parents’.

They will not deviate from that unless you have a mountain of evidence to prove otherwise, which for the most part, courts will allow the unsafe/abusive parent to explain away with lies about how the safe parent is lying because they are bitter, spiteful and trying to punish them by taking their children away.

So no, it’s not as easy as you seem to think for the safe parent to protect their children and walk away. If he’s given unsupervised access, she has no ability to know and prevent him from drinking around their children, passing out or crashing the car.

So it sounds like what triggered your post today is you knowing the behaviour has started up again.
Sometimes because these events can happen over years and then calm down it becomes like being on a constant tightrope where you can’t think straight and the gaslighting goes off the scale so you are having to spend energy being a detective along with the nurse, therapist and crisis unit for a man who is unable to cope with his feelings. Another poster was saying about reserving your energy for you. That’s essential now. You need some space to think clearly without being attacked or told you aren’t being caring about your children etc when you’ve been trying to stop a home from falling apart by the sounds of it for years and you have a young baby to look after too.

Who in real life can you talk to and maybe go and stay with for a few days even? Just so you can breathe?

For those piling on to the OP asking why she didn’t leave already etc, just remember this poor woman will be TERRIFIED about what will happen to her child (and his older children) if she leaves and he is then granted any sort of custody (or whatever it’s called these days). Put yourself in her shoes - if you know about the drinking and you live there, you can make sure they are never alone with the children, never get in a car being driven by the drunk, etc. if you leave and can’t prove any of this and get awarded 50/50 custody, would you feel ok about the fact half of the time you can do NOTHING to protect your kids?

OP you are in an awful position and I completely understand why you’ve stayed. Can you talk to his ex about the older children so that she knows too? She may have left due to his drinking. But she deserves to know the danger her children are in with their dad. She might be able to get evidence that you can’t.

Good luck getting everything you need to escape him and keep your child safe.

my ex did all of those things. No matter how much I begged, said I’d leave, shouted, reasoned etc, nothing changed. He’d promise he would stop but expect a ‘reward’ (more sex) if I didn’t have more sex he’d argue that was a reason as to why he shouldn’t bother cutting his drinking down. I didn’t want sex with him as I was so put off my his drinking and had lost respect for him. Anyway I left him. Best deci of my life. You can’t change them.

He's broken the law on more than one occasion.

The fact that he doesn't have a conviction and hasn't hurt anyone is just down to luck - and luck always runs out.

He clearly needs help, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself or your children to provide that help. You couldn't do it even if you tried - it's a job for professionals now.

Your priority is your children, that's clear to see. Do what you need to do to protect them and yourself - everything else (what happens if...) is secondary.

It is controlling ... but then he isn't controlling himself and putting you, your family and others never mind himself in danger. He has a choice - either he takes responsibility and stops drinking or he leaves. This can't go on.

Why are you still with him?

His drinking has crossed the line several times. Drunk driving and driving drunk with his kids in the car. You know he is drinking at work and is either using heavy machinery or driving heavy machinery at work. He is a danger to himself, his family and work colleagues.

In your situation I would be gathering up all the information you need for a divorce and going to a good family law solicitor. Tell them all about him and his behaviour and that you want a divorce. You have given him plenty of chances and you and your kids deserve better.

One of my friends had 3 kids with her ex partner in her 20s. Over time his drinking got worse. She was not working because her kids were young. He had money for drinks but never considered that his kids needed new shoes ect. She got sick of the lack of money because he was spending it on drink and she was sick of the fights when she told him he needs to stop drinking. She kicked him out, went on benefits for a while and then retrained when the youngest child was a bit older.
Today she a good job. Her 3 kids have degrees and recently one of them got a management position in their company.
Her ex partner continued to drink, has been in and out of jobs and is now living in a charity housing. His kids have very little to do with him because of his behaviour.
She told me kicking him out and ending things was hard at the time but it was the best thing she did for herself and her kids.

You need to do what's best for you and your kids now. I would not be hanging around waiting for the next crises or putting up with his behaviour. He won't stop drinking and you given him enough time so it time to end things.

If he can’t control himself around alcohol then it’s not controlling for you to try to help him…as you have done.
When it gets to the point that it’s clear he’s an alcoholic and can’t help himself then you have to leave him. No point wasting vast amounts of your emotional energy trying and failing to help him if he’s not yet reached rock bottom. Even then, he has to do it himself.

The risk is him being successful with custody and access to your child whilst still not admitting his problem. It’s time family courts had a new understanding of addiction problems.
Good luck OP. Continue with your very courageous decisions.
Don't let his defence arguments wear you down. They come from a bottle, nowhere sensible at all so just ignore them and carry on protecting you and your little one.

End the relationship. Having read your list, his alcoholism is his priority. There is no "sensible" level of drinking for him.

Having seen your list I would have left him the first time it involved the children.

My husband was an alcoholic until an incident that led me to stop speaking to him for 2 days (never done that before[. He got the message, went to the doctor, stopped drinking completely in 2019.
The trouble is, I'm now finding that the dishonest, deceitful, chaotic, drama-filled behaviour and mindset that went with the drinking is still there.
He mind give up the alcohol, but the underlying personality problems might remain.