Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

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DP’s drinking has crossed the line on multiple occasions. I have asked him to stop entirely. He thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

From his perspective you are being controlling, but someone needs to as he’s lost control of his own life.

Sometimes, they need to hit rock bottom to finally face what they’ve let alcohol do to them before anything changes - i.e losing his family.

Sometimes, it’s just an ongoing situation that they can’t get out of that’s causing them misery leading to drink. He may not even be able to name what is causing the misery, until hopefully he finds himself out of it and the drinking stops.

Drink driving (with or without kids in the car) is a step too far though. It’s just totally selfish behaviour and really unnecessary. He could walk to get his booze, time drinking around his families everyday needs if he has to drink but to get in a car over the limit is just unacceptable. Does he want to end up in jail for murdering someone?

I’d let him hit rock-bottom now.

My BIL used to drink 1 crate of beer every day after work. Sister was very worried but did nothing until he drove drunk to school with his kid in the morning and had an accident. The police arrived and took his licence away. He automatically lost his job (where ironically he worked a driver).
I don't think he drinks anymore, but why it had to come to that? Thankfully the kid was OK.

Did your sister not realise he was still over the limit?

Head-in-sand for convenience of getting the child to school. Sister is equally responsible.

My dad is an alcoholic. I've heard all that shit before. Of course it's not controlling to ask a partner to stop drinking if he has a problem. However he'll use any excuse and rationalise and rationalise in order to make it all your fault, because he's so terrified of having his crutch taken away. I don't have any answers for how to deal with him, just that you are absolutely not being controlling for asking your alcoholic partner not to drink.

He crossed the line a long time ago
put Yourself and kids first
leave him to his drinking

Judge his actions, and take action yourself accordingly. He doesn’t want to stop.

Another vote for getting to Al-Anon, OP (in person, online, by phone, whatever you can manage…). You’ll hear your story from others and find people who are living lives 6 months / two years / twenty years on from where you are now. I found it very hard to get support from anywhere else as living with alcoholism and / or addiction creates challenges and behaviours the average person just can’t get their heads around.

Not controlling to ask a question but unreasonable to even think he can stop just like that

You can divorce him if he doesn't stop, that isn't controlling, that is your personal choice, but your never going to be able to 'make' an alcoholic stop drinking, many alcoholics desperatly want to stop drinking and they can't even make themselves do it.

I actually voted YABU. Not because he isn't drinking too much, but because it is pointless telling him so. The only thing you can do in such a relationship is leave.

But enough’s enough. You’ve done your best! He either quits and remains part of the family unit or he leaves and goes to his life of booze, which he can then do in peace. But, he can’t have both.

Hi OP.
My DP of 16 years is a functioning alcoholic and although our situations are different, I wanted to come here and say that when you leave him, he will absolutely drink himself into a stuper.

That is not on you.
He needs to realise the severity of his drinking has lost him his family and he needs to get help but knowing what I do about alcoholics is that something like this will send their brain on a bender.
It won't be easy but I hope for you all that he will be willing to do it although it may not happen straight away.

He drinks for a reason and that reason needs exploring via counselling/AA.

DP hasn't touched any alcohol in over a month and when we went out for dinner he only had a diet Pepsi.
He's decided not to go through any therapy and I will support that decision even though I think he should but he is doing it for all of us. We have 2 DC.

I'm not saying that it can be done just like this, most people need help but they have to want to do the work and not lose the most precious things in their life. Sadly, addiction tends to win.

Good luck with everything x

He ramped up the drinking when I was pregnant. He then changed jobs as soon as I gave birth which meant he needed to use my car to commute which meant I was isolated for most of my maternity leave. During this time I barely saw him - he’d leave before I got up, and often get in after the baby and I had gone to bed. During this time he was horrible to me (always drunk, avoidant, distant, clinically depressed, critical) so I would avoid him a lot. We’d only really spend time together when his DC were here as I’d try to parent them but it was very difficult to deal with three kids, a baby and someone drinking from 11am.

If he is drinking while driving his children around, nothing you say is going to stop him drinking.

I honestly don’t have time. I’ve spoken with them on a couple of occasions on the helpline. I’ve got a busy job though and the rest of my time is with the toddler. Now he’s drinking again I don’t want to leave her with him in the evening unless it’s completely necessary.

Im sorry you are going through this,it's so stressful,takes over your life,and makes you into a paranoid detective.I know,because I had that in a relationship. You say drives with his children in the car,I take from the wording they are not your children, does the mum know he is risking the children's lives?( and everyone else's on the road) You must let her know,you would never forgive yourself if you didn't share that information and something happens, which it will,he's been lucky so far,won't last...he needs to reach rock bottom before he will attempt to stick to not drinking,he has to really want it for himself to stand a chance of doing it. And I would anonymously report him to the police for regularly drink driving. I dont see your relationship working out im afraid,he's going to blame and resent you for trying to get him to give up.Your life is going to be so stressful and shit..Tell him you are ending it because of his drinking,and the totally unacceptable behaviour that leads to. He will either admit to himself he has a problem and do something about it and try to win you back,or he won't. Don't ruin your life over something you can't control. When you are out of it for a while,you will realise just how stressed,anxious and affected you have been,and will be relieved to be out of it.The love dies when respect for someone goes.And you can't respect someone who puts their children and everyone else at risk through drink driving. Best wishes....just read your update, sounds like there isn't a real relationship that you or child deserve and need...you will be in a better place without him,I know it's scary,but really it's scarier to stay. End it while child is young,it will be far easier on child and you...has there been any physical domestic violence?

I can think of several men that I have known whose identity (in particular their sense of masculinity) was inextricably intertwined with their ability to drink and tolerate large amounts of alcohol.
When I look back I see them as having been lost to alcohol in their late teens or early twenties. There was never any hope for them, these were physically very tough men who were cursed by their high tolerance for alcohol.

On top of the advice from other posters, can I suggest you try some al-anon meetings and see if it is useful for you. If you can't leave your kids there should be some online sessions you can join.

It's a horrible situation to.be in ! My Son had a problem with drinking
Never drove drunk thou thank god but more he didn't know when to stop so it wasn't even regular just when he went out for drinks
The thing that stopped him was getting so drunk abroad and having no recollection of the night and losing expensive things he had on him and us his family thinking he was dead finally made him see the light !
He will only stop when he wants to and u have the choice to either put up with it or leave and u can only support him if he wants to do it x

I have seen this as well the high toleration !! Especially x

It’s completely reasonable to say that he needs to stop drinking or you’ll leave. Though after reading all the incidents I think you should leave anyway. He’s putting your children at serious risk. Keep reporting everything to the police and hopefully he’ll get banned from driving and you’ll have plenty of evidence for sole custody. And do not let him drive your children anywhere.

edited because just seen that some children are your step children. Does the mother know? I’d make sure she does so she can decide what to do about that.

Walk & leave him with this. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Drink-Your-Way-Sober-Science-Based/dp/163774739X Don't say anything, just write "It's time" in the flyleaf.
Calling you controlling is a hoary old alcoholic cope but you can't reason him out of it, what alcoholism does to to the brain is like the way toxoplasma gondii emboldens mice to offer themselves up for death.

The problem with telling SC’s mother is that I have no proof. He doesn’t drink and drive in front of me, and he tells SC that he’s drinking non-alcoholic drinks. There’s not a pattern of going to a specific pub at a specific time or anything. It’s my word against his.

I know he’s very rough with one of the SC sometimes when I’m not around. I am worried this behaviour would escalate and extend to our toddler if we didn’t live together. Once the SC told a teacher and his mum that he was scared, but nothing was done.

He is an alcoholic and you can't save him.

How long ago did the SC tell a teacher that?