Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

[LostLostLostLost]

DP’s drinking has crossed the line on multiple occasions. I have asked him to stop entirely. He thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

He's an addict, leave now before he takes you all down with him.

It is not controlling to ask.
Nor is it controlling if he refuses and you then leave.
He would be controlling if he refused to stop and did not accept you leaving.

Also keep a detailed log of everything that happens with evidence to back it up. You will need this when you have to build a solid case against him to stop him harming your children.
He won't have the discipline to do any of that for himself so he will not have a leg to stand on when it comes to getting access to his children.
Metaphorically and possibly literally- I know of two alcoholics in my extended family who lost the use of their legs (alcoholic neuropathy) before they finally rotted away completely.

I believe it is called being a dry drunk. The chaotic self destructive behaviour still exists, just without the drinking to fuel it

My heart goes out to you, I was you. What you want is not controlling but you have to reframe it. You're living with an addiction who will say anything to keep drinking. You cant fix him. If you can afford it counselling was great for me to help me see the wood from the trees. But in the short term anything he says is aimed at his addiction and facilitating it. I wish you strength xx

Im sorry you are going through this,it's so stressful,takes over your life,and makes you into a paranoid detective.I know,because I had that in a relationship. You say drives with his children in the car,I take from the wording they are not your children, does the mum know he is risking the children's lives?( and everyone else's on the road) You must let her know,you would never forgive yourself if you didn't share that information and something happens, which it will,he's been lucky so far,won't last...he needs to reach rock bottom before he will attempt to stick to not drinking,he has to really want it for himself to stand a chance of doing it. And I would anonymously report him to the police for regularly drink driving. I dont see your relationship working out im afraid,he's going to blame and resent you for trying to get him to give up.Your life is going to be so stressful and shit..Tell him you are ending it because of his drinking,and the totally unacceptable behaviour that leads to. He will either admit to himself he has a problem and do something about it and try to win you back,or he won't. Don't ruin your life over something you can't control. When you are out of it for a while,you will realise just how stressed,anxious and affected you have been,and will be relieved to be out of it.The love dies when respect for someone goes.And you can't respect someone who puts their children and everyone else at risk through drink driving. Best wishes

As PPs have said, its not controlling, it's entirely reasonable, but the problem is you are trying to force an outcome which you have no control over.

Nobody ever stopped drinking because they were asked to. This completely misunderstands the nature of alcoholism and how it impacts on the alcoholic.

The only way anyone ever stops drinking is when they get to a point where they can see its destroying their life and where the benefits of being sober outweigh the benefits of drinking. Sometimes even that isn't enough. But if you're asking/begging/cajoling/bargaining with him you are (in his mind) setting yourself up as an enemy of the thing he most loves in the world: alcohol. You can't win that argument.

The only way (literally the only way) to effect change is to leave and take your children with you. It's the only control you have. Even that may not work. Being married to an alcoholic is nightmare (trust me I know). It ruins lives. Don't make your family's future contingent on his recovering with the marriage. It almost certainly won't work and he will drag the rest of you down.

You need to first mentally and then practically start planning for a life without him. Its possible when you leave that he will get his act together, that's an added bonus. But you can't count on this happening and you can't put your life in hock while he thinks about it.

Leave and protect yourself and your children.

Being controlling is sometimes a good and important position to take, when there's danger that only you can see. Don't argue with him about language. Tell him that your children are in danger and if he can't stop drinking completely, he has to leave and have supervised access only. Alcoholics can't 'drink sensibly over new year'. Once they have had a drink, they are very likely to be hooked again.

I think it's controlling to ask, the better approach is to decide what your boundary is, and say you can do whatever the hell you like but I'm not staying with a drinker. Then follow through if they don't stop - this is the important bit so make sure you mean it. If you don't follow through then you've lost and given them a license to continue.
This way it is THEIR CHOICE to stop, driven by YOUR CONSEQUENCE. Subtle difference.

Leave. Protecting your dc should be paramount to you.
Leave.

Leave this man for the sake of your children, if not yourself.

Why did you have a baby with him if he started drinking in a problematic way at least 2 years ago OP?

If you only have a baby and the other children have a different mother then where is she with all this? Is she aware what is going on when he has the kids?

It's completely pointless to ask him to stop drinking OP because he can't. You're focusing on completely the wrong things here. You being in the wrong or not in the wrong for asking him to stop is just spectacularly missing the point. You need to leave because you don't want your baby growing up in a house with an alcoholic. Quibbling over details and whose right and wrong is just avoiding the actual issue - your child's father is an alcoholic.

It is not controlling to ask when this man has endangered their children. In asking him to change his behaviour, she's presumably hoping she can save her marriage and her children from the pain of divorce. However there is little point asking if there isn't a consequence depending on his decision.

You could report him to the Police for drink driving on the occasions that you know he is. Being arrested might help bring it into focus and encourage him to get help. It will st least keep him off the road snd other people, including your DC, safer.

I think what I meant is - it's better to make it their choice by imposing a boundary. Then she's not asking him to change, he's choosing to do it of his own accord becuase of the consequence (of her leaving). Of course where most people fall down with this is the not following through bit. Just asking will likely go nowhere.

I would begin by documenting and keeping a diary of everything you can remember (and everything going forwards)

Can you report him drinking at work to someone senior?

Any further drink driving you report to the police so there is a record.

Likewise report any DV.

Do you have any witnesses to his past behaviour?

Once you have enough evidence to ensure he cannot have unsupervised access to your DC then kick is arse out and never look back! He has had ample time and opportunity to make a real effort to be sober, if he isn't willing or able to be alcohol free he will always go back to drinking and problematic drinkers who go back to drinking after 'forced' periods of sobriety (forced sobriety are basically times they become to desperate to pacify the people around them that they manage a month or two without / to moderate for a while etc) always end up drinking MORE

Someone with a problem at this level need to stop drinking - forever!

Isn't there a danger there though that he will get angry/potentially violent with her if she repeatedly reports him to the police while they're still together? She does need to get evidence, I agree, but she also needs to make sure she stays safe.

You can't do anything to change him. By staying, you're just exposing the children to more of his abuse.

My ex was alcoholic. He told me I was the problem, that his drinking was reasonable, despite coming from a family of alcoholics and our relationship being terrible and violent. I left, he fell apart. Drink, drugs. He had a couple of girlfriends and sorted himself out a bit temporarily with them but once he'd convinced one to marry him, went back to his old ways. He nearly lost his wife as a result of his drinking but clearly didn't want to be divorced again so reduced his drinking.

He's now a functioning alcoholic because his wife won't tolerate his excessive drinking. While she was away for a month though he went on a bender, but again, nipped it in the bud before she returned home.

If it weren't for her control of him, he'd be dead by now.

• drunk drove with his children in the car
• day drunk whilst in sole charge of children
• passed out whilst looking after children

Particularly horrifying. Why have you stayed with him this long? Your children's lives are at risk. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be dramatic. But that's the reality of the situation.

This is what alcoholics do. Once they get past the denial and can no longer keep up the pretence of "cutting down" %they will shift the blame to you. You then become the reason they drink because you're so controlling. Poor them. All you can do is leave them to their own misery, I wish I'd done it sooner. I promise you, you deserve better and life is far happier without them draining every day.

I recommend Al Anon OP. I found it very helpful when trying to understand why I couldn't get my dad to stop drinking

Please do follow through with leaving and do everything in your power to stop him having unsupervised access. I spent most of my childhood having to spend time at my dad's whilst he drank, then drove us home over the limit. No idea how we didn't get in a collision. He eventually got caught and banned but didn't stop him. Growing up the child of an alcoholic has a lasting impact so keep doing what you csn to protect the kids as much as possible. You can't make him choose to stop, you can only do what you can to protect yourself and the kids

Are they your children? If so how are you still with him

Very true.

I didn't actually think of that.

Personally I'd kick him out, refuse him any contact with the kids and let him sort it all out himself. If he wants contact he needs to get a solicitor and go to court. Hopefully by the time that happens he'd have drunk himself into such a state no court would grant him unsupervised access.

Of course I know it doesn't work like that.

It does feel incredibly unfair.

Has he ever been to rehab / a programme @LostLostLostLost ? I'm assuming not and given his reaction to being asked to stop drinking I expect he won't be very receptive to anything of that nature.

So many people asking 'why dont you leave' oh if only it was that simple. I stayed because he told me if I did our kids would be damaged, we'd lose our home (with all my savings), hed lose his job, I would be breaking my vows, i would be letting him down ... you dont understand what a hold they have on you until you're in it. Horrendous

Yikes - sorry but you’ll need all the luck in the world with this problem man.
I don’t think he’ll change long term.
Just one of the things on your list would be enough for me to call it a day ….. but wetting the bed eugh!!