Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

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DP’s drinking has crossed the line on multiple occasions. I have asked him to stop entirely. He thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

If I’d left the first time I wanted to, he’d have got unsupervised access to vulnerable young children. Whilst trying to support his recovery for the past nine months (during which he has not - to my knowledge - endangered anyone) I have been documenting and building a case against unsupervised access and contacting the relevant agencies for support.

I could have written this about sil, social services got involved after police were called to her house dB was away and she was drunk and tried to harm dc she displayed all the behaviour your husband did , not the escorts, ɓut the kids were not allowed to live in the house with her , attempted suicide, abused dB. Was forced to inpatient rehab came out still drank . She doesn't believe she has a problem . I haven't spoken to her for years because of abusive messages sent to me . If he doesn't see he has a problem he won't accept help to end it . Its a horrible soul destroying addiction. Sadly I lost an aunt to it , she died alone of asphyxiation . Sil knows this but it doesn't matter to her.

Someone like this can never drink sensibly and if he isn't willing to understand that he can never have alcohol again you need to get away. It WILL get worse until he or someone else gets hurt.

Alcoholics often only get help when they have lost everything. He won't change unless he realises he has to completely give it up or you will not be in his life anymore.

My mum managed to get court orders to say my dad could only have supervised access with us when they split up, because of the driving while drunk.

None of this is easy and you must be faced daily with awful choices I can’t even begin to imagine.

i grew up with alcoholics in my extended family, it was awful and children were not protected enough. It sounds like you have been walking a tightrope here, trying to keep everyone safe and hoping that he would sort himself out.

I suspect when you leave, because I think you know it’s time, he will be unable to function and won’t be in a state to apply for custody. His decline is not your fault. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this but it is not your fault.

about 47, the kids were 16 and 12. Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug.

Take him to the hospital mortuary and let him see what drinking and driving does, mostly to the innocent!

And how is he getting so drunk at work during the day?

No you’re not. My ex became an alcoholic, of course I asked, begged, pleaded, the whole caboodle. It did not make me controlling, it made me scared, anxious, angry etc. I ended up leaving him because of it. Then he became sober (and has been for twenty odd years).

Leave him if he won’t stop.

I left him (with our two young children). Never regretted it for a second. They have a relationship with him but I am so happy I didn't raise them with a drunk in the house.

Initially voted U but with the details of what's hes done Yanbu

If he’s in too deep he won’t care, unfortunately.

That’s the bit a lot of people won’t understand, you’ve been slowly turned into a crisis unit and a nurse and having to live on your nervous system trying to single handedly manage the unmanageable whilst being left with no air for yourself. It’s unsustainable for you.

I’ve lost five family members to alcoholism including an ex. You are of course worrying about him dying and you can see the tragedy unfolding. However sometimes it’s your presence that is stopping the addicted person from feeling the weight of their own choices. Not because it’s your fault that you’ve had to step in and be the only adult in the house because you had no choice, but because he’s made it impossible for anyone else to carry his chaos.

You clearly have love and compassion for him and you aren’t wrong for feeling those things. But whatever his secret traumas or reasons for detonating his life are, he’s got to do this part on his own now. His empathy clearly switches off to you when he’s violent and unfortunately that means the person that he was isn’t who he is now. Regarding how long he will live, alcoholics can go on living pickled for years even with alcoholic brain damage.

It’s controlling if you keep insisting.
You can ask, and they can say no.

And then you need to decide what you do next.

So he is an alcoholic and a dangerous one at that. I am afraid I and likely most other women would have ended this relationship as soon as it became clear he was placing your children at risk. Unforgivable, reprehensible behavior. I am not saying this to shame you but to help you see things with perspective.
Given the scale of his problem I would suggest he is highly unlikely to respond to any type of conversation or ultimatum. You will therefore need to take steps to safeguard your children, ending the relationship is the only viable option. Please check out the Al- anon website for information for families of alcoholics. Above all remember you did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot fix it (him).

You need to start gathering as much evidence as you can. Without it there is a real risk that he will be allowed custody as they can't act just on your say so alone although they should take what you've got to say very seriously.
Call the police anytime you think he is drink driving. They can breathalyse him and, also important, get him off the road.
Call his work and tip them off. If he is handling heavy machinery they should also be in a position to do random breath testing.
Make sure you have access to bank records etc which show his spending on alcohol.
Keep texts, emails etc which back up what you know about his behaviour.
I know none of this sounds very nice but at this point, I would prioritise the safety of your children.

This 100%. My ex only got sober when I left. I believe he would never have recovered if I’d stayed.

What did the police do when you reported him?

Splitting is going to blow up his life as well as mine and the children’s. In order to stop dangerous access I will need to involve the police again. He was violent during his last relapse. He will be arrested, bailed, and unable to come home. I will probably get a restraining order, and I will need to pray that the courts agree to only supervised access. If that’s granted for our child, it likely will be for his older children too which will limit how much he can see any of them.

Horrible as this all is, it is the road you have to go down.
You know this.
You have to do it.

Start now, put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
Keep going until you have the DC in your own home, with either supervised access only, or they age out of needing formal access (in their late teens).

You can do this. You have more strength than you can possible imagine.

Also, go to Al-Anon regularly.

You can ask them but they won't stop - not if they've got a drinking problem, and not if they don't think they've got a drinking problem - so it's pointless. Nobody can make anyone else stop drinking. If you're struggling then you can reach out to Al-Anon for help on living with an alcoholic spouse.

This is 100% exactly the same as my husband. I let him get away with far too much-including everything u have listed. He has even denied alot of it despite showing him proof (he def was hiding other things, but I made peace with it and stopped looking)
It eventually tore our family apart and we separated last year and i filed for divorce when I found out he met a new woman... in the pub he now spends all his time in. He NEEDS to do something about it now, he is putting his children's life in danger-not to mention his own and im sure u dont want to be his baby sitter? Trust me u will resent him if he doesnt get help

Obviously I didn’t know about his drink driving whilst it was happening. I found out about the escorts and he confessed he’d been drinking daily starting from the morning, for months. At that point he vowed to stop, and I don’t think he’s drunk driven between then (nine months ago) and last night.

He lies, hides the evidence and avoids me when he’s drunk. As I have a baby to care for, and he’s often working late or out, he can do this easily.

Your husband drove under the influence with your children in the car? And also passed out drunk whilst caring for the children?
and he’s still your husband?

get your ducks in order and get the fuck out of that marriage before he kills someone.

Another frustration is the assumption that when a woman calls the relevant services they will immediately help her to leave, when it’s actually months of paperwork and letters and begging and scary repercussions so that in itself can wear someone down. With one of my family members it took twenty repeated attempts to get help for the family in place. It’s an endurance test if the woman has no where else she can go.
So practically it sounds like you’ve been doing the right things, building the case etc and obviously he’s been in a quiet phase but he’s started up again, so now you are braced for the next steps.
Are there some practical things you can do today?

And you are still with him because....???

Wtf

Sadly his drinking will never stop until either he dies or he reaches rock bottom- please don't let rock bottom be the death or serious injury of one of your children.

This is 100% exactly the same as my husband. I let him get away with far too much-including everything u have listed. He has even denied alot of it despite showing him proof (he def was hiding other things, but I made peace with it and stopped looking)
It eventually tore our family apart and we separated last year and i filed for divorce when I found out he met a new woman... in the pub he now spends all his time in. He NEEDS to do something about it now, he is putting his children's life in danger-not to mention his own and im sure u dont want to be his baby sitter? Trust me u will resent him if he doesnt get help

It might blow his life up - I volunteer with homeless people and a lot of them are homeless because of their alcoholism. But it's not your fault. You can't stop him drinking and if that's the path he's on, nobody can steer him off it apart from himself. You have to protect yourself and your kids - that's your primary concern now. Best of luck with it.