Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

[LostLostLostLost]

DP’s drinking has crossed the line on multiple occasions. I have asked him to stop entirely. He thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

Of course it’s not controlling to ask, but it is completely pointless.

If an alcoholic wants to drink booze, they will do so anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The only thing you can control is your response.

I couldn’t be with someone who drinks then drives so that would be the end of the relationship for me.

Should you split this becomes a massive safeguarding issue then. It could mean contact needs to be supervised.

I think your best bet here is to do exactly this but your problem is how you are packing your deal.

just say I am leaving you because of your drinking i dont want to be with you like this. And then leave.
When he realises the enormity of this he has a choice... drink or his family. If he wants to be with you he will realise how problematic it is, tackle it.... you then do not reconcile immediately so he can backslide you wait watchfully to see if he means it and a year from now you start to reconcile..... or he carries on and you don't.

He isnt safe with children so any contact is limited to Early mornings and / or contact centres

OK.

You have asked him to stop drinking. Has he agreed to stop drinking or is he not answering this question?

Yes, it is controlling.

But you don’t have to stay if he doesn’t stop drinking.

I would contact the police/SS again for advice given that he has a history of drink driving with children in the car and he has relapsed. Document absolutely everything for the inevitable custody/access battle.

I would hope that is the case. I don’t feel it’s safe for him to have unsupervised access to them whilst in active addiction, particularly if he needs to drive anywhere.

Im sure he does see it as controlling.
He wants to carry on driving drunk until he kills someone because booze means more to him than the risks.

All you can do is say you refuse to be in a relationship with him because (insert your list) and that when people ask why you've split, you will tell them the truth, and when he tries to get visitation, you will ask for supervised and tell the court why.

Unfortunately, OP, he has a serious addiction. He has previously put your children and other innocent people at risk. He has not shown a solid and sustained commitment to stopping.

Unfortunately, you can't make him stop, and it seems that he doesn't actually want to stop.

It's hard, but I really think you have no option but to walk away. I'm sorry.

Your problem is that he doesn’t want to stop drinking because he doesn’t think that his behaviour when drunk is problematic. Until he does, he won’t stop. You can’t make him stop because he’s in denial as many addicts are.

You need to work out if you can live with him drinking and I wouldn’t blame you for saying no.

It’s quite easy for others to say “I WOULD HAVE LEFT WHEN” without being aware of the relentless grinding down and emotional abuse that is happening whilst in the relationship to the woman who is trapped with the alcoholic, where she has asked and in some cases begged for external help whilst watching her life collapse and then trying to overcompensate for his failures but working twice as hard to keep the family functioning.
OP rather than having people judge you for staying here I would get some proper advice and support from Women’s Aid and also Family Addictions support services near you.
His level of drinking as you’ve defined there is beyond what you can control now.
Can you speak to your GP today or tomorrow and ask them what family support services are available in your area?

You can't control his drinking, only your reaction to it. He won't/ can't control his drinking because you tell him to, he has to want to do it for himself (and he doesn't want to).

Focus on things that are within your power to change, like leaving him, consider why you stay with a 'D'P who does all the things you have listed. Work out what you need to do to be able to leave and then do it. Don't waste your life with a drunk who'sstill drinking, they don't get better.

Yes, sadly. It gets nasty. He's probably going towards being an alcoholic or already is.

Yes, he's very much in 'big problem' territory. If he doesn't want to stop, he will find ways to drink. Sometimes people need to sink to the bottom (🙋 been there, done that, got the t-shirt) - he stops drinking, or you send him packing. Maybe just send him packing, otherwise you'll just be getting into a phase where he's drinking secretly, bringing you more pain and anguish.

The drink driving would have been the breaking point for me, on top of all the other things you have listed. You can't make him change. Only he can do that. The children are your priority and they need to be protected from seeing their father in this state. He needs to go.

Sometimes on these threads is when a woman has first started to explore the issues in a space where she can lay it all out and it’s brilliant you have done this. You must be feeling overwhelmed and scared. Have you also got any other family near you who you can talk to honestly about the situation so you can get support to leave? If he’s messaging escorts as well that’s not something you can change with love and support for him, the person who needs the help to exit now is you x

This.

Get rid. My partner got full custody of his children after his ex wife was comatose whilst looking after them. Regardless of all the other drinking issues, he’s clearly not a fit father. Drinking and driving whilst your children are in car (or indeed not) is totally unacceptable. You will be relieved!

In this instance, its not controlling, no in my opinion. Its desperation.
However its utterly pointless to ask. He is an alcoholic based on what you've said about his previous behaviour. He is saying its controlling on your part because he has no desire to stop.
Its entirely under his control to drink the way that he does but unfortunately any decent judgement which he may (or may not) have when sober, clearly goes out of the window after alcohol, and this makes him unreliable at best - dangerous at worst. His behaviour is not going to change because he thinks he has it 'under control' Most alcoholics think this.
Please leave now. It sounds like he has had plenty of chances.
I say this as someone who is now in charge of a man who suffered a stroke due to his alcoholism. I didn't know how bad it was. Until I did. Then I gave him plenty of chances. he tried for a bit. Until he didn't. I am now stuck with him until he is old enough for sheltered housing. I should have left when I had the chance.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think YABU simply for the fact you’re still with him after this. He won’t change, so you have two options: stay and continue to put up with it or end the relationship.

Drink driving for me would be an absolute dealbreaker and would give me the ick.

Thank you, I was in contact with Women’s Aid, their local equivalent, the police and children’s services in October when he last relapsed so I have all the relevant support, information and contacts to leave safely.

Would he fight for custody or would he leave you to it so he can drink with impunity?

Alcoholics can't drink sensibly, that's what being an alcoholic is. He stops or you leave, and tell SS he is not responsible enough to have unsupervised access to DC.

He’s clearly an alcoholic. Howver you slipped in messaging prostitutes like it was drink related, it’s not. The man is cheating or planning to. No one jus6 has random prostitues on their phones to message. You need to go looking for that. And be sober enough to do so and message.