Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

[LostLostLostLost]

DP’s drinking has crossed the line on multiple occasions. I have asked him to stop entirely. He thinks I am being controlling.

AIBU?

Quite agree, he needs to stop. He obviously doesn't have an off-switch and able to drink responsibly. Sorry OP, what a sad and horrible situation to be in. Please though, look after you and the children first and foremost.

He would fight for custody unfortunately.

Thanks for the laugh!

He used to be.

I'd have left him and called the police on him.

And yes, it IS as simple as that, and yes, I DO have extensive experience with alcoholism.

EDIT: cross-post with latest update.

the next drink is more important to him than his children’s lives. That’s the thing about addiction. Nothing else matters more. I’d be long gone and I wouldn’t let him see the children alone.

That’s great you have those links. Do you feel this is now a turning point for you? I’m just curious as to why you posted here instead of contacting them again. Are you in a position now where you know you have to end it and need moral support?

Don’t bother negotiating with an alcoholic. Give him free reign to drink as he wishes, but you have free reign to leave, without his permission or say so.

Yes actually all dangerous isnt it. Dangerous to your health ( escorts) and dangerous to your children....there could be a terrible acccident. I thonk you have to leave. He wont stop while there are no consequences.

I would have stopped the relationship the minute he drove with my children in the car whilst drunk!

I don't understand the posters agreeing that this is 'controlling'. Presumably they wouldn't call it 'controlling' to ask him to stop doing anything else that physically endangered your children and put your finances at risk?

You're not controlling him, you're simply laying out what you need for the relationship to continue. You're giving him a choice. He's free to keep drinking, away from you. Or to stop drinking, with you.

He's breaking your marriage vows, by messaging escorts.

He's risking losing his job and saddling you with sole financial responsibility.

Worst of all, he's risking your children's lives. So far he has managed to get away with it - no drunken car crash or house fire he's too drunk to notice, yet.

You're not 'being controlling', you're taking control of your life and your children's lives before someone gets seriously hurt, or worse.

I would have left a long time ago, given what you’ve said especially around the drink driving. You are telling him what he should have concluded himself. I would be furious if I were you - controlling. Classic addiction deflecting the issue onto others. LTB

You're not unreasonable to ask that of him, no, but you are being unreasonable to think he will change unfortunately. He has big problems and he'll only solve them when he wants to. Or maybe never.
From your updates, you already know you need to leave. Just do it. For you own sake and your dc.

Yes, I now feel that there’s no way for us to stay together. He has been allegedly trying to stay sober since the middle of last year, and clearly can’t or won’t.

The only way I could imagine us staying together is if he committed to sobriety forever, and I don’t think he’s able to.

Splitting is going to blow up his life as well as mine and the children’s. In order to stop dangerous access I will need to involve the police again. He was violent during his last relapse. He will be arrested, bailed, and unable to come home. I will probably get a restraining order, and I will need to pray that the courts agree to only supervised access. If that’s granted for our child, it likely will be for his older children too which will limit how much he can see any of them.

When we met he was a really good guy. Alcohol has destroyed his life and is about to obliterate it.

And make sure you have evidence of the drink driving and any other dangerous behaviour. If/When he tries to get custody you will need that to make sure he never has unsupervised access to the children.

There was another thread where a woman was worried about leaving because that would mean she wouldn’t be able to supervise the husband’s behaviour around their children on his own. It’s easy to see how this becomes an invisible trap.

Once your concerns are formally recorded with Children’s Services, responsibility for managing risk no longer sits solely with you. You can’t be the sole monitor of his behaviours. Children’s services can put clear conditions in place such as supervised contact, restrictions on driving children, alcohol testing etc.

My father was an alcoholic. Telling them to quit does not work - they need to decide themselves. And yes - even with my background - I'd say it's controlling. You can't tell other adults what life choices they make.

BUT - you can decide for yourself and your children. In your case - I'd build a strong case re his drinking and leave. Consult a lawyer to understand what you'd need to prove. Then he'll have a choice to decide to address his drinking and be in his kids lives, or continue drinking.

What are you doing with this man?

He's done that and yet you haven't ended it?

This is my concern - I don’t have evidence. When confronted last summer he admitted a lot but it was during a conversation and not documented. Now he’s relapsed again he’s not talking to me so I can’t engineer a conversation about it.

I’m sorry OP it’s horrible for you. This is a point where you are allowed to put it all down and call in all the support you can get to put a stop to it. He is a danger now to others and you can’t hold down the chaos he’s created for all of you. You are grieving for what could have been which is one of the most brutal realities of breaking up with an addicted partner.
How are you feeling in yourself today? Can you make a list of all the services you need to get in touch with and start getting your ducks in a row? Do you need to call a friend?

Trying to keep someone I loved dearly, and the beloved father of my child, alive.

He has a significant problem that is putting you and your children at risk of serious physical harm and will already have emotionally harmed you all. He has also put others lives at risk by drink driving. I am not you of course but if I was I would be seriously planning an exit strategy. A close family member had a partner who was a functioning alcoholic with whom they had two small children. They left and never looked back. It was hard but by far the best thing to do. His drinking continued and it killed him. I am not in any way suggesting that this is what will happen to your partmer as every person and every circumstance is different but her leaving spared her kids so much trauma. It was still appalling for them when their dad died but living apart fro him did spare them from the worst. I hope you have help and support in real life

Send this link in an email to him and ask them to read it..

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4497210-Partner-does-not-want-me-to-drink

Thank you. How old was he when he died? I expect this is the way he will go, probably from an accident. He operates heavy machinery at work (alone, luckily).

'Trying to keep someone I loved dearly, and the beloved father of my child, alive '

at the risk of your children's lives...