About my dad’s behaviour at Christmas? Or is this normal for his age?

[MyFlakyPombear]

My dad is early 70s, has never been very active but no significant health issues. My parents downsized, but still wanted to host me, my DH and 2 year old DD at Christmas. Due to distance we stayed 4 nights.

i feel irritated that much all my dad said during the whole visit was how tired he was and he ‘doesn’t know how we do it with DD’. She was full on while we were there, including running in and out of the living room carrying things and playing a drum (which grandparents bought her!), and playing music on a toy. But that was interspersed with quieter reading, drawing etc and also time when we took her out so not constant. I feel my dad made no effort to help us or engage her while we were there, beyond reading her some books. She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!

AIBU that he could have made a bit more effort and been less negative, given we were there for a short period of time? Or is this just what happens when you’re older?

he wasn’t tired from hosting btw as me, my DH and DM did all that.

“Full on” .. I can imagine what that was like

Did you ask him to help, or read books, or help him engage with her?

It’s not for him to move his legs.

Saying “I don’t know how you do it” isn’t negative, unless you choose to see it that way.

If he is out of practice living with a small child I can understand how it might have been a shock to him .
But I think he was unreasonable and unkind to complain about it.
And I think it's pretty sad he didn't take the opportunity to take enjoyment out of seeing your wee DD.

Full on 😂

Reading a few books is priceless in my view. If he did it kindly and with a bit of charm then it's job done that man.

YABU.
Being older is more exhausting than you can imagine, and 5 days of a child running around, banging a drum is more than "full on".
He did read with her..that's perfectly acceptable engagement.

Interesting. Maybe we could have done more to ask him to help. He would have acted shocked and said something like ‘I’m old’ in a fake jokey way, I’m fairly sure. When she tried to engage him he didn’t do it, eg asking him to come and draw with her. But something for us to consider for next time.

I thought I’d get criticised for saying ‘full on’ but I don’t think her behaviour was beyond what would be expected if you invite a 2 year old to stay in your small house. She was fully supervised by us the whole time (eg we were with her in and out of the room).

I disagree I think moving your legs when a small child is running around is perfectly reasonable. But we’ll have to agree to disagree on that!

She shouldn't have been running in the house imo. If she had had a bad accident tripping over his feet would you have taken the blame?

If she'd tripped over a coffee table, is that the table's fault?

YABU. He's used to his own space and a bit set in his ways. Don't think it was personal. 4 days in each others space is a lot when you aren't used to being together much.

I think probably I am letting my irritation that they insist on hosting us colour my feelings when we were there. They also hate coming to us because of the long drive. So I feel a bit like i can’t win.

A coffee table wouldn’t have moved into her path though?!

I was a dgm at 44....whenever my dgc was a bit full on he was parented.... I didn't allow it at my young age!!

I though he just failed to move out of her way, not deliberately blocked her path?
Running in a small house is inviting an accident.

Sounds normal for a grandfather his age. I don’t think a child should be running inside and I don’t think he needed to move his legs in his own home to facilitate a child running about .
A few stories and some chatting is what I would ‘expect’ from a grandfather or grandmother to be honest. It is exhausting looking after a small child and grandparents are not used to it. Maybe stay a short time next time?

yeah I think that’s fair, it’s more the constant negativity/complaining that I think is the issue I’m more justified about.

sadly we can’t really stay shorter due to the length of the journey. But maybe we need to stay separately next time

All sympathy to him. He’s being criticised for being tired by a small child and guests in his house for four days at Christmas. Blimey.

This is a phase I remember with my parents, ie they were not noticeably unwell but they got tired very easily. I remember one trip to the cinema to watch a kids' film being followed by them saying they would go for a nap as they were tired. We'd driven them to the door of the cinema so they didn't even have to walk to or from the car park! This is one of the effects of ageing. Be grateful for your daughter being able to spend time with them, and accept their limitations. Get your dad to do more reading with her as he's clearly not a bouncing around grandparent. But I don't think you can expect him to 'help you' at that age. I am often 👀 at people who expect parents in their 70 s upwards to do a full day of childcare that they themselves would find taxing.

Did your Dad do much with you/your siblings when you were little or was his contribution to go out to work and earn the money to keep the household financially solvent and all things child related were considered to be Mum's domain?

Maybe stay somewhere else.

So which is it... he didnt move his legs, or he moved his legs out to trip them up on purpose?
It sounds like you really dont like your DF, just dont go, you dont need to make up stories of him assaulting a child.

thanks. Yes that sounds similar to what is happening

Tbf, your dad is an older grandad to a 2 year old. My GC have great grandparents his age. So I think expectations do need to be tailored to capacity. While some men his age are still up for noisy days and playing with toddlers, it's fair to say that the majority will be slowing up, maybe getting tired more easily, possibly the odd health grumble that saps energy and enthusiasm.
Personally I wouldn't overthink or take it to heart. He put up with a two year old banging a drum and running about, you put up with a 76 year old saying he's tired and she's a handful. No harm done.

How often do they usually see you? As you say it's a long journey, presumably they don't see you very often and therefore and not very accustomed to what a young child is like.
Next time I would book a hotel so that they have a break from you all.

I disagree I think moving your legs when a small child is running around is perfectly reasonable. But we’ll have to agree to disagree on that!

I think stopping your 2yr old running around when she's running into people is perfectly reasonable.

OK, this you can address. Insist on hosting next time and work out how they can get to you more easily, eg train and potentially a taxi to and from the stations at each end. Say it's well overdue that you took your turn hosting and that DD will have more to occupy her in her own house (which is true)