About my dad’s behaviour at Christmas? Or is this normal for his age?

[MyFlakyPombear]

My dad is early 70s, has never been very active but no significant health issues. My parents downsized, but still wanted to host me, my DH and 2 year old DD at Christmas. Due to distance we stayed 4 nights.

i feel irritated that much all my dad said during the whole visit was how tired he was and he ‘doesn’t know how we do it with DD’. She was full on while we were there, including running in and out of the living room carrying things and playing a drum (which grandparents bought her!), and playing music on a toy. But that was interspersed with quieter reading, drawing etc and also time when we took her out so not constant. I feel my dad made no effort to help us or engage her while we were there, beyond reading her some books. She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!

AIBU that he could have made a bit more effort and been less negative, given we were there for a short period of time? Or is this just what happens when you’re older?

he wasn’t tired from hosting btw as me, my DH and DM did all that.

Old people have forgotten what toddlers are like. We live abroad and when we went to visit my parents abroad, for the first week my dad kept saying my toddler is "bad", "naughty", "had adhd or autism", "take him to the doctor, there's something wrong", "he's not normal".

Luckily my dad has a much younger brother with children who remembers toddlers and said my son is much better behaved than his kids ever were and almost any others they know. He is just very, very active (walking since 10 months, so you can imagine).

He does not stop and loves being outside. My parents were trying to force him to stay indoors and do activities he didn't want to do (e.g. interrupting him out of the blue while playing quitely with legos to force him to read a story with them...you can imagine the reaction!!!). Or my favourite - my dad showing him videos on his phone and then being surprised my toddler had a tantrum when he tried to take the phone away. Yeah, that's why you don't show screens to toddlers!!

He might know to bring his legs in but if he’s basically getting old he will be moving more slowly , responding less quickly

Exactly this. I've got dodgy knees and it's bloody painful to move them too quickly. I can walk miles at strolling speed and no problems up and downstairs,
but if I were to snatch my legs out of the way of something. . . . well I just wouldn't because if I do it the wrong way it'll ache for days.

‘She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!’

OP - I am laughing at this. I think you were/are stressed over Christmas and a long stay not in your own home. I can empathise with that however your expectations are unrealistic. Children need to adapt to the environment they are in not expect the world to rotate around them. There was a trip hazard and your child didn’t note it. That’s on them or you if you consider them too young, not your Dad!

How are different generations meant to spend time together if allowances have to constantly be made for lazy and self-obsessed old men while children are not permitted to act in any kind of age appropriate way, i.e. high energy or, gasp, run inside? Is the patriarchy really going that strong?

Two isn't too young to learn that just because you can do X at home, doesn't mean you can do it everywhere. I know I wasn't allowed to run at my grandparents house at that age (it wasn't child-proofed and my grandparents weren't steady on their feet). It was fine, I managed.

Of course they do. My eldest learned that very young when we were living in an upper flat and needed to take neighbours into consideration

Exactly. Just because some people let their toddlers run riot, doesn't mean everyone does.

As some have suggested, my dad wasn’t very hands on when we were kids (my mum was also the main earner!!) so probably a combination of temperament and age on his side. And we don’t see him that much so he’s not very used to DD.

He doesn't sound like much of a grandfather, but he wasn't much of a father either.

It's disappointing, but it's who he is.

If aging is so exhausting how did OP's mum manage to engage with her grandchild AND do most of the 'hosting' while he did neither?

People are different. Dh plays with gc on the floor. I'd never get up again if I did that. Grandad can carry him upstairs and down. I can't. He's heavy and I can't trust my knees. People of the same age are not capable of exactly the same things.

or lazy self obsessed parents who think the kids can do what they like and that the grandparents should break themselves bending over for them?

not that I think either apply in this case but the smug self righteousness does push me away

It wasn't a complicated OP to read, how could you misunderstand so much?

Yep. My parents are similar ages - mum can get down on the floor and do all sorts and is still super flexible. My dad isn't and would struggle to get down on hands and knees, and is much slower to get up and down from the sofa than he was even a couple of years ago. He also would be far less tolerant of a small child clambering all over him than mum would be.

Everyone ages differently - often it's sheer luck of the draw too.

2year olds dont really calmly walk and dont understand being told to walk rather than run

They do if you teach them. Honest. It works.

My dad's a similar age, and he'd definitely struggle with toddlers now. He was in his 50s when ours were that age, and was good with them. But his patience and physical capabilities have reduced significantly in recent years, and little children around him for several days would undoubtedly bother him.

Running around inside??? Nope.

I would be doing either 24th to 27th or 23rd to 26th. I think part of the issue was the stay was too long.

We have a 4 hour journey to my in laws and used to stay with them for 3 nights which felt long enough.

We sometimes visit for 4 nights now but only since we started staying in an AirBnB so we all get a break from one another.

4 days is a long time to host a toddler at any age let alone 70s. Next time stay one to two nights.

100% agree.

Boomers really are incredible selfish. Don't know what happened to them.
A massive generalisation and appallingly offensive. Signed, a Boomer.

I'm used to small children underfoot, but I've had more than enough of my great-nephew's full-on whirlwind energy after three hours, let alone several days.

Well I do - it's his house and he was (I assume) comfortable sitting in his home. Why should he move his legs if the child was running around - I would have told her to stop running and sit down. I certainly would not remove my beloved rose bushes 'in case' some kid was playing up and 'fell' against one. What happened to actually warning children about things like this? Would you dig up any kind of toxic plant, such as tulips, daffodils, just 'in case'?

What if he doesn’t want to?

Was the child really running riot, or just being a toddler? They tend to be noisy. I would agree if the kid was a bit older and able to be explained to, but you can't expect two year olds to be quiet. I say this as a childfree person who isn't very keen on kids. I think that grandfather was BU to insist on making the family travel to visit them, that seems selfish to me.

I think that's how my dad would act, but not my mum or my mums side of the family.
My dad would always make little comments/digs.
My mums side of the family were much more supportive.

My dhs family were much more hands on than my ex husbands parents too.
I think some people just make better grandparents than others and are more child friendly in general.

They want to see them but they don't want to put any effort in or help

So he doesn't host. That's a no brainer, really.

I have had two toddlers and if they started running around they would be told not to by me and my immediate family. It’s unsafe. We would take them out if it appeared they need to let off steam.