About my dad’s behaviour at Christmas? Or is this normal for his age?

[MyFlakyPombear]

My dad is early 70s, has never been very active but no significant health issues. My parents downsized, but still wanted to host me, my DH and 2 year old DD at Christmas. Due to distance we stayed 4 nights.

i feel irritated that much all my dad said during the whole visit was how tired he was and he ‘doesn’t know how we do it with DD’. She was full on while we were there, including running in and out of the living room carrying things and playing a drum (which grandparents bought her!), and playing music on a toy. But that was interspersed with quieter reading, drawing etc and also time when we took her out so not constant. I feel my dad made no effort to help us or engage her while we were there, beyond reading her some books. She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!

AIBU that he could have made a bit more effort and been less negative, given we were there for a short period of time? Or is this just what happens when you’re older?

he wasn’t tired from hosting btw as me, my DH and DM did all that.

OP i cant wait until you are in your 70s and have a "full on" 2 year old in your house over Christmas. You are in for such a shock.

My Mum was similar when we visited for Xmas. From my friends parents you have the whole range from very energetic and involved to don't have any interest. I think post 70 there's definitely seems to be a slowing down for a lot (not all). My Dad was very helpful when the kids were wee but seemed to lose confidence around age 74 and did a lot less with them before he died.

A dgm show doesn't allow dc running round her home is a dgm I am happy to be..

One of the first things I figured out when I became a mum is that there are often 2 sets of rules: my house rules and the grandparents' house rules. And you'd be surprised how easily even a 2 year old can adapt to that. It worked both ways; there were some things I allowed that the grandparents didn't and vice versa. The DC learnt to understand "Darling you may be able to do that at home, but not at Gran's house" and "Yes sweetie, it's OK for you XX here, just not at home" very easily.

Now that you have a bit of a 'feel' for what your parents think is/is not OK, it'll be easy to start stressing the different rules. And when in doubt, ask them! And don't be upset if you don't like their answer just because it may differ from your thoughts.

As far as getting tired, yes we do tire more easily. And I've found that being in a stressful situation is exhausting. Sometimes moreso than a day full of physical activity. And seeing a small child career around a house even if we aren't 'in charge' and even if they aren't really misbehaving is very stressful, thus it is tiring.

I'd suggest that if you decide to spend 4 nights again that you try to work in an overnight 'break' somewhere in the middle if you can and stay in a hotel or other family in the area for the night.

My parents were in their 70s when they became grandparents and they found it very challenging when our son was a toddler. They were getting more tired and were used to a quiet life. Children that age can't self regulate and they had completely forgotten this. Unfortunately, my dad had an old, disciplinarian approach (as opposed to co-regulating) and whilst he didn't try to take over he was frustrated by the way we handled things. To the extent he actually cancelled our next scheduled visit on one occasion. I'm not going to pretend it was not upsetting for us but we realised he was not going to change much and things got better as our son grew up. He wasn't completely inflexible and did modify his views as in didn't complain about screen time in restaurants. (We never allowed it whilst the food was on the table.) I think you have to cut him some slack and just vent with your DH.

What sort of help did you expected with a 2 year old from a bloke in his 70's OP? I suspect your mum is the one that wants you all there at Christmas and your dad breathed a sigh of relief when you left. Younger people vastly underestimate the effects of ageing, I was guilty of it when I was younger. I sort of thought "old people" were putting it all on for affect or to be a deliberate nuisance. Now I'm nearly 70 myself, I've seen the light! I could no more spend 4 days with a 2 year old than go down the mines. My advice is to stay in a hotel or airbnb next time.

It might be "normal" but it's still incredibly sad. He's missing out on the joy of his family. Your daughter is missing a happy smiling grandparent.

He’s probably past the age of engaging with young children, st his age, for that long.

I’m younger than him, and I would be. I find small children best in small doses now.

Why is it sad? He was happy to sit and read to her and spend time with her, he just didn't want to deal with a bouncy, hyperactive toddler running about everywhere.

My grandparents were in their early eighties when I was a toddler and I have nothing but happy memories, many of which involved naps with granddad in his sun room as he was obviously exhausted 😂

Yes, you do slow down as you get older. Things hurt more, joints ache and you’re just not as agile. As a younger person, you won’t understand because that’s the way of things. You have children when you’re young, for a reason. If people are having children in their 30s and possibly 40s, it’s obvious that grandparents will be older.

If grandparents are relatively young, they’re probably still working. If retired, they will get tired quickly. The things I did with my grandchildren when they were small, I wouldn’t be able to do now.

The pattern of effort and care by your parents during your childhood is being replicated by your parents with your daughter where your mum makes all the effort and your dad does nothing except moan. He sounds lazy and selfish.

I bet she is sick of him too, particularly if his attitude to your daughter means you see less of them. Can you invite your mum to your house on her own?

no but most sensible people, especially those with little children in the house. try to make it as safe as possible. That's what sensible parenting and grandparenting is all about

Oh so now the poor old dear doesn't even have control of his own household?

Presumably OP didn't just rock up at their door and announce they were staying for 4 days - if he didn't want them there that long he should have discussed this with OP's wife and not invited them for that long.

If aging is so exhausting how did OP's mum manage to engage with her grandchild AND do most of the 'hosting' while he did neither?

Well, I (we) looked after our kids very well (according to them!) and followed our parents' example (for the most part!), and now we are helping with the next generation, but only in small, weekly doses, as we are very busy with our retirement plans.

The fact that your parents won't/didn't help you out does not mean it is fair to tar all Boomers with the same brush. We help where we can, and of course, we are there in any emergency, but this is our time now, and I don't apologise for that, nor do I think it makes me selfish.

Ooh, are we doing ridiculous generalisations? OK, then:

Parents of toddlers these days are ridiculously indulgent. They allow their small children to rampage around and don't parent them properly, expecting everyone else to put up with it.

*Woman who allowed her 3 year old to race around the cafe yesterday whilst she enjoyed her chat oblivious to whether the child was colliding with waitresses carrying trays of hot beverages - yes, I'm especially thinking of you.

Yeah. Got to love it. People aren’t that age yet, but know how they will be. 😂😂😂. Good luck with that one. 🙄

Yes I think you’ve put your finger on why I found it difficult- seeing the pattern again which is thankfully something my DH and I are breaking in ourfamily.

combined with irritation that he is a bit ‘leaning in’ to being old, as some have suggested

I have videos of MOH at 65 asleep in his armchair while toddler grandchild climbed all over him, tweaking his nose and giggling at the snores that erupted! It was all done very gently and every now and then, one eye would open and they'd giggle together. I think perhaps this is what OP would like to have seen - them getting to know each other.

Same age roughly.
Yes, it is physically and emotionally tiring watching these busy people who have seemingly endless energy. He merely expressed how tired he was, meaning that he lacks your stamina and implying he wished he had as much as you. Basically he was noting how old he is. I wouldn’t take it negatively if I were you. He’s probably telling your mother how much he enjoyed having his granddaughter to stay at Christmas and how special she made the time.

He sat and read with her, so it's not like he just sulked and ignored her for four days.

Maybe stay somewhere else

That's what we do. Premier Inns are cheap at xmas. You can give kids their dinner at normal time then head off leaving grandad and granny in peace till the next morning. It's also easier to throw yourself into engaging with an active toddler when you know there's a cut off point and they're leaving at 6pm, say.
You can put up with another hour or two, but not three more days.

"Boomers are really are incredibily selfish" ! We aren't the ones whose children are competing with a phone for their mums attention. Too many mums scroll on their phone when they should be parenting. But of course we should remember she has had a rough day and needs to scroll SM to settle her anxiety.

Plus: They also hate coming to us because of the long drive. So I feel a bit like i can’t win.

So YOU find the length of the journey exhausting as someone young enough to have a 2 year old,, but can't seem to understand how it's probably even harder for them to come back from ...

Did you take the 2 year old out every day to burn off excess energy? If the weather was too rubbish for you, an indoor soft play run around also works wonders.

God, the child-haters are out in full force again...

How are different generations meant to spend time together if allowances have to constantly be made for lazy and self-obsessed old men while children are not permitted to act in any kind of age appropriate way, i.e. high energy or, gasp, run inside? Is the patriarchy really going that strong?

It is possible that I'm projecting slightly here as our entire extended family panders to my FIL who is pathetically negative and self-absorbed. But @MyFlakyPombear just wanted to send a little support your way. I think your feelings of unease are entirely understandable. I don't know if your dad's actions are "normal" but they're definitely not very conducive to enjoyable family time. It's weird being a guest at someone's invitation and then constantly feeling like everything you do (barring cooking, tidying, washing up and smiling and nodding!) is an irritation.

On a practical note, I thought the length of your visit was perfectly reasonable, you were only there for three days really and it's your immediate family!

I'm 74 and would say 4 days is too long . It sounds exhausting .