About my dad’s behaviour at Christmas? Or is this normal for his age?

[MyFlakyPombear]

My dad is early 70s, has never been very active but no significant health issues. My parents downsized, but still wanted to host me, my DH and 2 year old DD at Christmas. Due to distance we stayed 4 nights.

i feel irritated that much all my dad said during the whole visit was how tired he was and he ‘doesn’t know how we do it with DD’. She was full on while we were there, including running in and out of the living room carrying things and playing a drum (which grandparents bought her!), and playing music on a toy. But that was interspersed with quieter reading, drawing etc and also time when we took her out so not constant. I feel my dad made no effort to help us or engage her while we were there, beyond reading her some books. She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!

AIBU that he could have made a bit more effort and been less negative, given we were there for a short period of time? Or is this just what happens when you’re older?

he wasn’t tired from hosting btw as me, my DH and DM did all that.

I think you have two options here. Either visit but book your own accommodation so that you can all have space to decompress or insist they come to you. I found staying in my own accommodation preferable when my kids were small.

Some men, or rather older men do struggle with interacting with smaller children, was he hands on when you were young?

I think that was a long time in a relatively small house. We had 4 nights with my adult children and one partner and found that was more than enough. You end up just needing your own space to relax and do your normal things without having to agree on what to watch on TV or which game to play. We are slightly younger, 70 and 68 but have no grandchildren. We did have a visit from two relatives with a 1, 2 and 4 year old. They only stayed for 2 hours but felt quite exhausted after they had gone. One may have some behaviour issues but even so it was only 2 hours. 4 or 5 days with a normal lively 2 year old would be a big change from your parents normal quiet life. Hopefully you managed to take her out for some walks etc and weren't in their house the whole time. I'm sure they love to see you but it is more tiring when you get older and are not used to it.

Perfectly normal for a toddler to run around indoors. They fall, they get up.

OP - I think you'd be within your rights to be the one to insist on hosting now that you've got a child.

I wouldn't ponder too much about your dad not engaging other than reading books (which is great).

PIL was the same when the DGC were small but is a loving and very indulgent grandad in other ways. He paid for their driving lessons and gives regular cash gifts. Needless to say, they all adore him!

That's how I'd actually around a small child and I'm much younger than that. He read to her. Beyond that he's out of practice and probably not especially interested. Was he hands on when you were small?

Other people's 'full on' children are not particularly thrilling to be around. Especially If you're not used to it.

Gosh you sound an awful combination of judgey about your Dad and PFB about your toddler. It’s not on him to parent her and he wasn’t being critical although it sounds like he could have been 👀

My MIL was a bit like this - ours were the youngest set of GC and the only boys and the only ones that loves more than 5 mins away. We'd drive for 2.5 hours to get to hers and she thought we could all sit in her front room for the next 5 hours with the telly on showing soaps and they would sit quietly and not burn themselves on the gas fire with no guard. Or move. She was astonished we would need to go to the park to get some fresh air and to let them run around, and then that they might require food or drinks. We just went less.

I'll not sure it's age, more temperament. My father is older but never sits down and he'd be the one taking them all to the park and leaving me to have a cuppa on the sofa.

What a mean spirited post.

I know she is a toddler, but she shouldn't be running around someone elses house really.

My dad is a year older, he makes the same comments about my sons level of energy, that he never sits still etc. There is no way we could spend 4 full days in a small space, my dad wouldn't enjoy it. The noise, constant need for entertainment, running around (in your case). He read to her and that sounds lovely, i think you are expecting too much from him.

Hes in his 70s. Dealing with energetic toddlers is not really a job for people if that age and certainly not for 5 days straight.
Im nearly 65 and thankfully my GCs are a little older now, so less destruction, but its still hard work.
Its down to you as the parent to control your toddler, nobody else

I’m 43 and don’t have much enthusiasm for small children after an hour or so (no, I don’t have kids, can you guess? 🤣).
My father is also an older grandparent to my nephew, and although he loves him, I don’t think he’d enjoy having him under his feet for four full days.

4 days is a long time for house guests, children or no children.

I suspect your parents insisted you stay without realising how “full on” it would actually be. And likewise you expected them to be more engaged with your child.

Definitely get a hotel next time!

What miseries saying 2-year-olds shouldn't be allowed to run indoors. And I'm very much not into gentle parenting.
Also, if you don't like hearing a toddler banging a drum, then don't buy them a drum while they are visiting your house?

My father is nearly 80, he will bake with my children, accompany them on small walks while they scoot (though with a parent coming as well), will read and will play games but does need a certain amount of direction. Their early 70s grandparents on the other side will do crafts, reading, board games, and take them to the playground solo.

i will say I had a friend making v similar complaints about her parents over Christmas regarding her 2 1/2 year old, however she also has a seven year old they were much better and more engaged with so I don’t think it’s necessarily just the age of the grandparents but two can be a tricky age. Even in a year she’ll be more chatty, possibly able to follow rules of a simple game like an orchard toys one, and you may find it easier.

i think yes to tiredness - my parents were older and much less active from the start compared to other grandparents- but also in part personality, and I do think having more suggestions of ways to engage and help is worth considering.

As some have suggested, my dad wasn’t very hands on when we were kids (my mum was also the main earner!!) so probably a combination of temperament and age on his side. And we don’t see him that much so he’s not very used to DD.

we did take DD out every day (often twice) but it was unfortunately very cold so were inside more than we would be at home. we did honestly supervise her ourselves the whole time- but I realise some will never believe me 🤣

I think part of the issue possibly is that my DM wants us to visit but maybe my DF is less keen. So maybe need to figure out a way for my DF to get alone time

thanks all for helpful perspectives!

Full on says it all.

Kids shouldn't be running inside the house and they need to not be running into people. Drumming inside, come on.

Your kid was tiring. You're used to her being loud and running around and you got a look at how other people like your dad see all that.

I would be kinder in your thoughts towards your dad. Mine died a day after he’d entertained us all (plus grandkids), appearing knackered but putting a brave face on it. Turns out he was very ill. We don’t have them forever .

How long is your journey ?
and honestly , probably some people
just don’t really enjoy visitors for more than a short time .

Im sorry about your dad. It sounds like it must have been a horrible shock.

Did she climb on to his lap to be read to? If so, was there any other down time when she could have done that with a small toy or doll? We're in our 70s and wouldn't get down on the floor to play with a child (much too painful!) but would probably sit and watch her antics from a corner with legs tucked away. Not only would we find it exhausting but would be wary of getting it wrong and 'setting her off' - I presume they don't see her very often? I think he'd forgotten how active toddlers can be and was complimenting your staying power!

6 hours. We arrived afternoon of 23rd and left first thing 27th. I’d be interested in views about whether we could stay less time, but didn’t feel like it when we were planning. Normally 3 nights anywhere is my limit!

Yes I think we could do more to suggest ways he could engage her sitting on his knee or at the table

I dont blame your dad for feeling exhausted by it, kids are "full on" as you get to his age because you simply forget what it was like.

What I think IS rude as hell is for him to complain to you about it when you were kindly hosting him. If you go to a house where a child is and you find children exhausting then either dont go to the house or go but dont whinge. You can't have it both ways. You can't expect a child not to behave like a child in their own home FGS.

I am sorry but I think your dad was rude and thoughtless and maybe next time I'd think twice about hosting him and suggest a meal out somewhere where he can go home quickly.

Allow what? Stopping a 2 yr old being a 2 yr old? You were a baby pen grandma weren't you?

Odd comment.

Moral of the story, don't buy your grandbaby a fucking drum for Christmas.

Toddlers are always a bit of a shock.to the system if you've forgotten. I'd probably not stay for long again for the minute. Or invite them to yours.

My Grandpa wasn't a play type but he would sit and tell me wonderful things about his younger days, he taught me how to put grass between my thumbs and blow it so it whistled, how to make music with a comb and paper, how to plant runner beans. There are many different ways to interact that are perfectly enjoyable for both of them and offer something different for the DC

I think you all have mismatched expectations.

How could it realistically change as you go forward? Obviously you can't make him change. Your child will get older so your dad may find it easier to engage. Unfortunately he will also get older which may mean he finds it harder!

My Dad is a spring chicken, at 80, but is fully engaged with our children and always has been. Having said that we don't stay at his house.

I know the distance is a factor but can you go for a shorter time? I can imagine it doesn't feel 'worth it' if you do but may make for a more pleasant trip. Is staying in alternative accomodation and option? If I was your mum, I'd move my husband out for your trip 🤣