About my dad’s behaviour at Christmas? Or is this normal for his age?

[MyFlakyPombear]

My dad is early 70s, has never been very active but no significant health issues. My parents downsized, but still wanted to host me, my DH and 2 year old DD at Christmas. Due to distance we stayed 4 nights.

i feel irritated that much all my dad said during the whole visit was how tired he was and he ‘doesn’t know how we do it with DD’. She was full on while we were there, including running in and out of the living room carrying things and playing a drum (which grandparents bought her!), and playing music on a toy. But that was interspersed with quieter reading, drawing etc and also time when we took her out so not constant. I feel my dad made no effort to help us or engage her while we were there, beyond reading her some books. She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!

AIBU that he could have made a bit more effort and been less negative, given we were there for a short period of time? Or is this just what happens when you’re older?

he wasn’t tired from hosting btw as me, my DH and DM did all that.

Kids are full on. Especially 2 year olds. Even moving you feet back and forwards as a toddler goes about their (very active and busy) business is exhausting if you’re not used to it. Surely you see that given you have a toddler?!?

neither of you were unreasonable!

I wonder if the idea of hosting Christmas was more down to your DM than your dad and he went along with it even knowing it would be a bit much? That might account for his somewhat lacklustre grandparenting efforts - he might actually have preferred to be at yours but your mum was all for hosting.

Small children are a lot when you are out of practice and it doesn't sound as though he was ever much in practice in the first place. Not everyone is the kind of grandparent who wants to spend all their time doting on the little ones, at his age you can get used to your own space and time.

You might need to insist on hosting next year, OP. But I'd work on your mum rather than your dad in persuading in case it's her that's having trouble letting go of the Mine Host reins.

OP stayed at their parents house.

I think some people can just forget what it’s like being around young children or just aren’t that comfortable with young kids generally. My dad is a bit like this, always looks a bit shell shocked when they’re doing totally normal kid stuff and doesn’t really know how to interact properly. My mum was the opposite, she absolutely loved and encouraged it and would be joining in.

He was hinting that you needed to keep her a bit quieter and more under control. Why on earth do you think he should help you with her?

This was all at the parents' house, not OP' s. They were helping her mum do hosting duties but it was her mum and dad's house, not the child's 'own home'.

Many older men turn into Victor Meldrew unfortunately - bear this in mind when planning further get-togethers!

Please don't ask if it's normal for his age! It absolutely isn't! It's just him. He does not represent or typify older people or older men! It's simply his behaviour. He, as an individual is choosing to behave in that way.

Nothing wrong with him in my opinion. If he read to her then that’s brilliant. I suspect he was a bit overwhelmed himself. If you really needed help and through he was up to it you should her kindly asked but its not really his job to do any more. He would have offered if he had wanted/felt able.

My Dad dug up all his rose bushes when we moved nearby with his grandchildren (in case they injured themselves as a neighbour’s grandchild had done in her garden). So I don’t think expecting an adult to move their legs when a toddler comes past is too much to ask!

OP, I'm approaching the age of your parents and have a lot of slightly older friends, and believe me, even without any particular illness in the picture, being older is astonishingly exhausting, not just moving about but following conversations after a short time, especially if there's some hearing loss. It also often involves quite unpleasant aches and pains, again without any particular illness.

It doesn't sound practical to stay in a small house with your parents for more than one or two nights, so I'd suggest either encouraging them to come to you (taxi - train - collect from station, maybe?) or staying somewhere cheap nearby so you all get a break from each other.
It's great that you are persevering with seeing them, because it doesn't sound at all easy for you and DH.

People who say they are supervising their children whilst admitting they are 'full on' are usually not supervising them enough in my experience. They are usually smiling fondly at little Johnnie while he runs amok.

Glad you're taking feedback on board, especially about older tiredness being more pervasive than young tiredness!

I'll be honest: I find young children very boring 😬 Yes, even yours! I've done my time forcing myself to be fascinated by crayon squiggles and interminably repetitive songs; it gets even harder as you become more aware that your own time is limited and how much of it d'you want to spend talking to someone that only knows 200 words?! Give 'em to me from age 10 or so, I'll keep them busy for a couple of hours.

People usually have more interest in their own grandchildren, but their patience is still likely to be short-lived. The only thing I remember my own grandfather sharing is his gardening expertise - but I must have been older than two at those times, as he wouldn't have allowed a toddler to trample his prize flower beds.

In short, your expectations are too high. Work around him.

4 days isn't a short period of time. I think the majority of people would find a 2yo annoying if they had them in their home for that long when they're not used to it, and I say that as a parent of a 4 year old. I think YABU to have expected a 70 year old to help you and your DH parent.

They were at the dad's house

My dad has always been super fit and healthy but even he slowed down quite noticeably once he hit his seventies. He's still active but he tires much quicker and needs more sleep - and often naps in the afternoon which he would never, ever have considered when I was growing up.

Your dad is no spring chicken. I think you need to accept that he's getting older and that you need to restrict your toddler a bit when she visits.

the bar for men is so low.

sounds like OP's mum (with help from the DH) did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. and still managed to play with her granddaughter, despite presumably being a similar age.

Grandad spends 5-10 mins over the course of 4 days reading some books and according to half the posters on here that's more than fine.

Yes you might naturally have less energy in your 70s but working full time AND caring for young kids AND doing the "hosting" is also tiring - it sounds like all the other adults in the household were doing at least 2, if not 3 of those things, whereas he does nothing.

As for the poster who said 'It's not for him to move his legs!'

@wonderegg - OP was being hosted by her parents, not the other way around.

I just want to clarify I wasn’t expecting him to parent, it was more the combination of him not doing much but then complaining the whole time!

He didn’t do anything wrong, he just didn’t do enough of the right things by your estimation. He does owe you that.

If four nights is too much “not enough right things” you’ll have to spend less time there next time.

Might be an idea for your mother to visit you alone, go to a hotel when you visit them, and perhaps have Christmas at home.

Because he’s her grandad, perhaps? And it’s nice to help your children a little bit, and get to know your grandchildren at the same time. So much for the ‘it takes a village’ line that is so often trotted out on Mumsnet.

I think blokes who have never been into playing with and entertaining small kids will rarely suddenly become fully hands on grandads and I’ve found many older men become very routine minded and aren’t keen on their routine being thrown in the air - there are exceptions but most men I know over70 are somewhat like this ( and many women too)

What is it that you're expecting him to do? He can hardly get down on the floor with her or run about playing. Reading her some books sounds plenty.

My grandparents were in their eighties when I was that age and that's all they did with me, plus I would watch TV on their laps or "help" them in the garden.

Boomers really are incredible selfish. Don't know what happened to them. But it's all "I raised mine" and "I'm living my life". Ofc we're not entitled to it but I'll never be this way with me grandchildren. I heard someone say once that the ones who are involved loved having kids, and the ones who aren't didn't and just wanted it over with. But you spend so little time with your kids as children compared to the years you'll have as adults together