About my dad’s behaviour at Christmas? Or is this normal for his age?

[MyFlakyPombear]

My dad is early 70s, has never been very active but no significant health issues. My parents downsized, but still wanted to host me, my DH and 2 year old DD at Christmas. Due to distance we stayed 4 nights.

i feel irritated that much all my dad said during the whole visit was how tired he was and he ‘doesn’t know how we do it with DD’. She was full on while we were there, including running in and out of the living room carrying things and playing a drum (which grandparents bought her!), and playing music on a toy. But that was interspersed with quieter reading, drawing etc and also time when we took her out so not constant. I feel my dad made no effort to help us or engage her while we were there, beyond reading her some books. She tripped over his legs at one point because she was running past and he didn’t bother to move them!

AIBU that he could have made a bit more effort and been less negative, given we were there for a short period of time? Or is this just what happens when you’re older?

he wasn’t tired from hosting btw as me, my DH and DM did all that.

OP says he sat and read with her.

At seventy (plus) his ability to provide any physical help is going to be pretty limited.

I will think about whether there was more we should do to limit her. I guess I felt that because we were at grandparents house, she could behave similarly to how we allow her to behave at home. So allowed to run in safe areas with us supervising eg moving small toys around, but nothing dangerous, no climbing or breaking things. I wouldn’t allow running if we weren’t with family, but then we wouldn’t ever stay so long with friends who don’t have kids

What were you expecting? He’s an old man….he was hosting too….im 60 ….my GC are 7, 8 and 10…..I did the 2 year old Grandparent stage in my early 50s and it knackered me then

He should have been running around and banging the drum with her OP! Given you a break. He sounds lazy. Go no contact. @MyFlakyPombear

She really shouldn't be running around other people's houses, grandparents or not.

It sounds as if your Dad has followed is own natural trajectory.

My parents weren't like this at all, and while f/t care and responsibility for an excited toddler is always full on and tiring, both my Dp were very active and involved into their 80s.

Playing games, going on walks, blackberrying, baking, building sandcastles, taking them out landscape painting, all sorts. My Dad had an afternoon nap, and hot up a bit later than when he was younger but was active and enthusiastic the rest of the time,

If health and mobility allow then I think its down to personality and attitude. Has your Dad 'thought himself into being old'? Some people do.

I think people in their seventies start to get a lot more tired, more easily. I think they're too old to really look after DGC in the way you might be expecting OP.

I think it's a shock to today's generation with kids, because they remember their own grandparents helping out a lot more and having more energy. But they were also younger, and that gets forgotten.

When we had our kids both of DH's parents were still working and in their 50's and my Mum was in her early 60s and newly retired for e.g.

YANBU because they insisted on hosting. Next year, say that either they can make the effort to come to you, or you can stay at home.

Sounds like he’s entered his grumpy era.

I wonder if you will feel this way when you have 3 or more boisterous children staying for Christmas. We have all raised our children and loved them, but times change, and so do our expectations of what (maybe a short time of retirement) entails. I love my grandchildren, but they are tiring and looking after them all day (which we do regularly) is exhausting. Luckily, our children know and understand this and are very grateful for our help.

You don't seem to fall into that category.....

I mean this kindly but he must have been relieved when you left. He did his duty. I am younger than your DF but I find that as I get older I am not always interested in playing with or helping out with young children no matter how cute or delightful they are. You probably want him to help out because you yourself know how exhausting and, let’s face it, boring it can be to interact with children this age. You probably wanted a break and so did he.

when my friends’ dd was little she would suggest we go on coach trips. The friend would invariably seat me next to their toddler and they would sit alone on the coach. While I was “conversing” with the toddler my friend would sit back and enjoy the scenery. I wouldn’t mind because it was fun as I don’t have kids and had the handing them back at the end of the day thing, but I can see how being “trapped” for four days with said toddler would be pretty full on. 🤣

Just because they're hosting, doesn't mean that OP can just let her child run riot and be a pain, though.

Wow.I'm with you OP. My husband is in his 70s, takes the grandkids cycling, climbing, bouncing around at various facilities...As soon as you start using age as an excuse, you'll become that aged person. He may genuinely feel tired, but if he's not unwell he could make an effort. Maybe, despite the distance, 2 days would be better?

I couldn't do it personally, a few hours is enough for a visit from relatives / kids. I would hate a full on invasion of 4 days.

I don’t think your dad’s ‘behaviour’ is the issue here OP, but you seem to have accepted that on this thread already. I think you’re right to stay somewhere else next year and just pop in here and there. You will look back on those moments of grandad reading stories with fondness, they’re not insignificant moments. Maybe you imagined/hoped for grandpa rolling around on the floor and being climbed on, but that’s not what he can give.

Yes, i won't know until I'm there but I do already know how I'm looking after my kids now and how I was brought up. Suffice to say ending generational trauma

OP, you need to book a hotel next time you visit.
You knew your (older) parents had downsized, and four days is a long time to be staying with any eldety relatives, let alone over Christmas, with a toddler who's possibly over excited and out of routine.
I get that your parents insisted that you stay this time, but learn from it and stay nearby next time.
It would be better for everyone.

I'm not sure it's using age as an excuse to say that your average person in their seventies is not going to be fit enough to bounce around, go on bike rides and go climbing with their grandchildren.

Your DH is very much an outlier in that respect, though kudos to him for being able to manage it - I'm only in my 30's and think it sounds exhausting 😂

People are acting like this was a 5yr old, 2year olds dont really calmly walk and dont understand being told to walk rather than run.
Any idiot would know to bring their legs in if a young child is running round because funnily enough 2yr olds arent known for decision making skills or risk management.
Yes young kids are exhausting but then they invited you? Did they expect her to just sit calmly or watch TV? I do think older people forget how exhausting toddlers can be though and how full on it is (nothing wrong with that term, it's TRUE.)
It's good he read stories though, hes maybe just not great at playing etc, think sometimes men arent good at stuff like that.

He might know to bring his legs in but if he’s basically getting old he will be moving more slowly , responding less quickly

for some people they are 90 before that happens , others are barely 50

hes getting old OP

Perhaps he's not well if he's tired all the time but doesn't do much. Get him to see the gp and get some blood tests done. It doesn't sound right for 70 that's not exactly ancient.

Any idiot would know to bring their legs in if a young child is running round because funnily enough 2yr olds arent known for decision making skills or risk management.

He may "know to bring his legs in" but he may not be capable of actually doing it quickly enough!

Generalised, ageist rubbish. My friend and his wife are both 70 and are fully hands on, generally several times a week with their grandchildren.

Have you had 'busy' kids, I had a large family and it could be chaotic, I wouldn't want to go through it again now I'm older,
I find my sgc too much sometimes and they just irritate me with the shrieking, jumping about, random stuff and "Look at meeee mummy!" as they spin around knocking into people then whinig because they feel sick. 🙄No apologies here.

My MIL asked us to go on holiday with her and FIL when we had a 12 month old and a 3 year old. She chose the place and the accommodation which was a lot more expensive then we would have chosen. We then paid more than half as we were using more bedrooms. She arrived early and bagged the nicest room for herself. Then she stuck it for 3 days and buggered off home which involved a ferry and long car drive. Then she came back for the last 2 days.

We quickly learned not to trust what she said about loving being with her grandchildren. FiL who is older was great with them though. Sometimes the idea of grandchildren is much better than the reality.