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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 11/01/2026 13:28

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:24

Pretty sure. It's not a hotel as such, it's a log cabin lodge type place with no other facilities on site.

Gosh they must be very fancy log cabins to be over £200 a night with no facilities on site…

CrapNewYear · 11/01/2026 13:29

If he wants a birthday away give him the voucher and tell him to book and pay for the hotel stay himself.

Cut your losses this time and don't make the same mistake next year. Only you know how much this a deal breaker for you.

665theneighborofthebeast · 11/01/2026 13:29

Regift the voucher to one of his family.
Write the card in his name.
Let him deal with being the cheap arse he is in the light of his families scrutiny.
If he asks about it again for his birthday actually say you are saving it to give to whichever member of his family as you are not keen on the destination. But you are going make good use of it! Because you can now spend that money on the mug you wanted.
By the way, his mum will be getting the ugly beige one he chose as your sure she will appreciate his take on which one makes the best gift and why.

whattheysay · 11/01/2026 13:30

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

Is he your husband? Is the house owned by you?
Why is he living and eating for free? Also if you’re married and this house is owned by you won’t he have a stake in the house?

Jeschara · 11/01/2026 13:30

Your low self esteem is allowing this manipulating, cock lodger, to get away with living with you and having everything paid for.
He even asked for your present voucher to go towards an expensive weekend for HIS birthday.
You deserve so much better than this, use it as a wake up call, it pains me to say this but he us a user of the worst kind. Horrible man.

Trixibell1234 · 11/01/2026 13:31

Your financial arrangements are your business - it just doesn’t sound very fair so I think that’s why people are commenting. I find it quite hard to read he doesn’t contribute to the home he lives in, and you buy his parents presents. Does he reimburse you for those gifts?

I think he put in what he could afford, the thoughtless gifts might not sting so much. If he was more thoughtful with his gifts, to show his appreciation, the other stuff might not matter so much. Such are the cheques and balances of married life. He just doesn’t sound very thoughtful, and this is one way it is showing.

Dollyfloss · 11/01/2026 13:31

Getupat8amnow · 11/01/2026 13:28

Knives are knives whatever they are used for. Would you want your child touching them when they are teenagers? Or their friends coming over to look at the knife collection? I would not have a knife collection in my home. Too many lives are destroyed by knife crime. How many bushcraft or camping knives does one person need? I am horrified at your situation OP and feel sorry for your children who are learning via your demonstration that a woman will put up with being used by a man for a free ride. I am genuinely shocked.

This was another point I wanted to make - I think having a knife collection is a huge red flag. Weird.

Dfhglksc · 11/01/2026 13:32

So you have swapped an abuser for a mean user loser who's living off you?
Your poor children.
How can you tolerate this?
Gifts are the least of it.

Shellythesnail2333 · 11/01/2026 13:33

Bloody hell he’s got it good with you! I know you say you’re happy with the finance situation, but just to say, he really should be contributing more to the household.

re: present, cheeky sod wants you to use the voucher for his bday weekend? So who’s footing the extra £350 for you to be able to go?

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 13:34

pimplebum · 11/01/2026 13:08

everyone is assuming you pay all the bills and he has moved into your home that you pay for ?? Surely not ?

We’re not assuming. Read her posts.

Getupat8amnow · 11/01/2026 13:34

OP, I am sorry you are in this situation. I feel you must have sleep walked into it after your terrible first marriage. You met a man who was nice to you and you fell for him. Men like him can smell a low self esteem in a woman. He got his feet under your table and you are now where you are with him.

You are a brave woman, you got out of a terrible first marriage, you are working in the NHS, you are STRONG but for now you have forgotten that. Regather your strength and get this man out of your home and out of your life. My best wishes to you and your children.

ZenNudist · 11/01/2026 13:34

Assuming he is a good partner in the rest of life? Otherwise this might be the wake up call to dump him.

Say you won't be spending £350 to use the voucher but as he has said he wants to go to the hotel for his birthday the voucher can be his birthday gift as he clearly thinks its a good gift.

Also tell him that you feel that hundreds of pounds on lego is as much of a waste of money as he feel £50 is on the mug. Donate the shit mug to charity.

Tell him it's selfish to ask for an expensive gift if you don't want to reciprocate and by the way he owes you x amount for the presents for his parents and nephews.

Tell him you won't be buying gifts for his side of the family again.

Next year save your money. Buy yourself something nice.

Tresd · 11/01/2026 13:34

What’s the point of him exactly?

nOlives · 11/01/2026 13:34

Sorry OP but he is taking you for a mug. Imagine giving someone a present that commits them to giving you 7x as much back. That's not a gift that's control.
How horrible will his response be when you bring it up? Will there be shouting or other punishment type behaviour?
I would be concerned about how he views you. This is quite blatant and presumably he expects you to take it lying down. If you do then it will keep happening. If you stand up to it then be sure to have a think about your boundaries, and how much fall out you can accept before ending the relationship (not before lying back down to be trodden on again).
And yes, I know that's whole lot easier to say than do.
💐

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/01/2026 13:35

Aw you use ' dh '

what a shame you married him.

XiCi · 11/01/2026 13:35

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

This absolutely blows my mind!! Fucking hell he saw you coming didn't he. Why on earth would you let someone take the piss out of you like this? The gifts are the least of your worries and just confirm what a lazy, selfish waste of space he is. God he must think all his Christmasas have come at once. It's like living at your parents as a 14 year old but with lots more money to treat yourself with

OchonAgusOchonOh · 11/01/2026 13:36

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

You should be charging him rent at a minimum. I would also expect him to pay his share of the utilities and food bills. After all, he is using them.

If you're married, which I assume you are as you refer to him as dh, your house would presumably be considered a marital asset so he has a claim on it. If you're not married then make sure you protect your assets.

I don't understand why you are buying presents for his family. I would definitely stop that.

I do think that the arrangement you have is creating an expectation in his mind that his money is only for him. He's obviously pretty selfish so he sees no reason to spend on anything that doesn't benefit him.

I would suggest a rejigging of your financial situation and a serious conversation about how he doesn't seem to value you or what you provide for him. I would definitely be telling him that his presents were pretty thoughtlessness. I would tell him you think the cost of the lego was ridiculous and not worth the spend but rather than buying him a cheap set you bought him the set he wanted because you love him and wanted to get him a present he valued. Him doing the opposite suggests he doesn't care about you or getting you something you value.

Zov · 11/01/2026 13:36

Fitzcarraldo353 · 11/01/2026 12:03

The voucher for an overnight stay that you need to add £350 to to actually use is completely taking the piss. To then suggest you both use it for HIS birthday is next level Cheeky fuckery and I'd honestly tell him so.

Edited

As often happens on here, first response nails it. What a stupid gift, a £50 voucher for a hotel that cost £200+ a night, (and you can only book 2 nights - so it's £400 minimum,) then there's the travels costs and other expenses that go along with it. I would chuck it in the bin to be honest, or put a message on Facebook marketplace to see if someone wants to buy it for £25 or something. I doubt anyone will want it though. It's pretty useless.

Sorry @tryingtobegrateful but your DP is a thoughtless pillock. The rest of the gifts are questionable/naff too. Why on earth do you feel like the worst partner in the world? He is clearly taking the piss with this gift!

By the way, I have never heard of a hotel that demands you book 2 nights. That's cheeky.

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

OP posts:
Sunshine1500 · 11/01/2026 13:38

You’ve bigger problems than a thoughtless gift. You need to ask him to pay towards the bills or move out

LoveSandbanks · 11/01/2026 13:38

Having read your updates and that he has no living expenses besides his phone and his car he is absolutely taking the piss. You also bought for ALL his family so he only bought for you with what still must be significant spending money given that he lives for free.

When he says that he bought the cheapest mug because “a mug isn’t worth what the other ones cost” I’m afraid what he’s really saying is that you aren’t worth what the other ones cost. He has no living expenses, the hotel voucher should have been for the full 2 night stay but what he’s really done is given you £50 towards his own birthday present - already telling you he expects a stay away for his own birthday. Even if he’s on minimum wage he still has over £1500 a month in disposable income which is more than my do who earns £90k a year!

I’ve got to be honest, this is leave the bastard cheeky fuckery.

Aquarius91 · 11/01/2026 13:38

OP, don’t fall into the trap of thinking this is acceptable just because he isn’t a violent cocaine user like your ex. He is taking advantage of you and giving you the bare minimum. He isn’t a good partner and you deserve more. Christmas gifts aside, he should be contributing to the bills at the very least!

TheWytch · 11/01/2026 13:38

Give him the voucher back as his birthday present.

Forty85 · 11/01/2026 13:39

Can you confirm if you are indeed married?

PinkiOcelot · 11/01/2026 13:39

If he pays the other £350 to go for his birthday, I would probably go but certainly wouldn’t be paying it myself.

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