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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
Trixibell1234 · 11/01/2026 13:39

It’s not your fault. He sounds very immature by not taking any accountability for his actions.

shouldofgotamortage · 11/01/2026 13:39

Yeah i wouldnt be booking the weekend away, i would give him the voucher back.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/01/2026 13:40

There was no thought put into these gifts, feel free to be upset and raise this with him.

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 13:40

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:14

Thanks for the posters who have replied without querying my self esteem ect. No I do not have great self esteem, my previous marriage was with a violent and unpredictable cocaine user who got us into huge amounts of debt, hence why I am happy to have entirely seperate finances now.

OP I feel so sad for you. I can see why this man must have seemed a step up from your previous partner, but he isn’t. And I suspect he saw that you had low expectations and low self-esteem and has manipulated that to get the lifestyle he wants.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/01/2026 13:40

KellsBells7 · 11/01/2026 12:11

I would tell him that the voucher wasn’t a gift. It’s going to cost you 7 x face value to use it and that if it’s being used for his birthday then it’s actually been purchased for his benefit - I suspect he had his birthday in mind when he bought it.

Is the disparity in your earnings large? If not, I don’t understand why so little is expected of him, what are you buying for his family?

I totally agree he had his birthday in mind with the "present" . It's really just a way of guaranteeing that you pay in full for a weekend away and all the trimmings and that is a colossal cheek IMHO. It highlights the fact that he sees you as the provider of anything he wants.

"I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well."

Stop it right now!!!. You are lavishing money on him. The Lego alone was more than enough. and completely outweighs his feeble efforts towards you.

He needs to buy his own presents for his family.
I bet you had to not just pay, but think what to buy each of them - people that he knows much better than you do. I bet you had to wrap them too and then he got the thanks. Did he make it clear to any of them that you'd paid for the presents? Or just accept the thanks?

It comes across as though you feel you need to apologise for earning more than him. You don't.
You are a generous soul. But he isn't. People say its the thought that counts, but his thoughts were crap.
He couldn't even pay a little bit more for the mug he knew you wanted.. A Mug... not something that is beyond the reach of present giving for most people, even on a smaller salary. ( unless you have a skinflint mentality).. He judged that you weren't worth the expense of the mug you wanted.. and then had to convey that to you by implying that your choice was ridiculously extravagant.ie he is sensible one.
The sheer cheek of it!!
And as for photos for the imaginary coffee table ( a tacky and awful idea in the first place) that you didn't want and may never arrive... that's just rubbish.

And you also feel bad because HE is "Ridiculously pleased" with his present giving success. And it sounds like he's spent some time telling you how well he's done. I bet he is pleased, probably because he's rarely done it in the past for anyone (always had a relative or previous gf to do the work) and this time he's managed to pad out a present to you with future fakes and added in a guarantee of an expensive birthday present for himself. The maps and post cards sound like a freebie from a tourist information office.

He certainly gave you a long detailed list of very expensive presents he wanted didn't he and it sounds like you felt you should buy all of them. So he KNEW up front about the inequality of present spending. I do think that having scored such a success, he's going to do the exact same thing again in future.

Please think about why he feels he is worth so much and you are worth so little.

Sorry I am not criticising you, you sound like a kind and generous person, but I'm just pointing out that you've put yourself in last place in this relationship... and why? because you have been successful enough to do well in your career and earn a good salary...BAD GIRL. I worry that this is only the tip of the iceberg for you.

He is employed and has a salary too even if its less than yours, you weren't asking for expensive gifts, he knows that Xmas is in December every year and could put some funds aside to contribute more fully. Unless he's up to his neck in debt..if he is, that needs looking into too.

Also.. he collects knives???? So he has money to spend on utter crap, but cannot pay for his children's Christmas presents.

As they love to say on Mumsnet. He is showing you who he is.

Ebok1990 · 11/01/2026 13:41

You said you have separate finances. If you're married, I'm very much afraid you don't. Get yourself to a lawyer urgently and find out how you extract yourself from this sham relationship without losing half of everything you own.

CantBreathe90 · 11/01/2026 13:42

So many women seem so underwhelmed with the thought / effort / cash their partners put into their gifts, relative to what they themselves did!

OP, next year I'd let him buy for his own family. Then use the money you saved, to buy yourself a treat you actually want. If the nieces and nephews get something a bit random from your husband, they'll still presumably be getting their main gifts from their parents or spouses or whoever, so it won't be a disappointment for them. I also think doing "wifework" is a bit of a slippery slope and a bit of a piss take (assuming both of you are working). Your husband should be able of organising something thoughtful for his own parents.

If it were me, I wouldn't bother raising it with your husband, as clearly he has made an effort. It's just a bit pants. You can't change other people though, only what you do yourself. That is, next Christmas you will have put less money and effort in, so you won't feel as resentful and may be able to appreciate that your husband has at least got you something and tried to be thoughtful. The issue came because of the mismatch, compared to what you did.

Also truthfully, I don't think it's worth still being so upset about, all these weeks later. Hopefully you can do what you need to, to get over it soon.

WimbyAce · 11/01/2026 13:43

Fitzcarraldo353 · 11/01/2026 12:03

The voucher for an overnight stay that you need to add £350 to to actually use is completely taking the piss. To then suggest you both use it for HIS birthday is next level Cheeky fuckery and I'd honestly tell him so.

Edited

Agreed, I hate it when people do vouchers which don't cover the cost of anything so you then have to spend money yourself.

Hankunamatata · 11/01/2026 13:43

You didn't have to spend a fortune in him. And you didn't have to buy gifts for his family.

Happyher · 11/01/2026 13:43

Give him the voucher for his birthday

WildLeader · 11/01/2026 13:43

So… @tryingtobegrateful you were previously in an extremely dangerous relationship

this makes sense. I know you’re not interested in talking about your self esteem but it’s super relevant

as a person who has been in a similar relationship herself, I can tell you you that unless you do the work, you’ll keep making the same mistakes with subsequent partners.

the gaping hole in your self worth is what draws these insects to you like a moth to a flame.

You do need to look at the freedom program, you do need to look at therapy to work through what is and is not a healthy relationship

the knives thing IS worrying when in the context of your previous relationship experience, the lack of respect for you from him IS a huge red flag, the entitlement is another.

you’ve made a mistake in getting with this guy. Your mission in life now is to extract him as safely as possible

RideTheGoat · 11/01/2026 13:43

I'd play dumb and say 'let me know when you are booking the hotel and I'll give you my voucher towards the cost. Can't wait for a lovely break with you.' 😊

Shellythesnail2333 · 11/01/2026 13:44

Can I ask why you paid for his family’s Xmas gifts if you have separate finances? Is he paying you back? If not, why?? He sounds loaded as he has all this cash for beer and his hobbies!

WildLeader · 11/01/2026 13:44

Ebok1990 · 11/01/2026 13:41

You said you have separate finances. If you're married, I'm very much afraid you don't. Get yourself to a lawyer urgently and find out how you extract yourself from this sham relationship without losing half of everything you own.

This joker could take your kids house @tryingtobegrateful

and he bloody would too…

MO0N · 11/01/2026 13:44

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 13:40

OP I feel so sad for you. I can see why this man must have seemed a step up from your previous partner, but he isn’t. And I suspect he saw that you had low expectations and low self-esteem and has manipulated that to get the lifestyle he wants.

I agree. OP is a nurse and she has children, that tells him that she's predisposed to putting the needs of others before her own. She's a capable, organised, 'do the right thing' sort of person.
All he needed to do was not be as bad as your previous partner op, this man is exploiting you and I hope that you will come to see it sooner rather than later.

grumpygrape · 11/01/2026 13:47

5128gap · 11/01/2026 13:02

He's bought gifts with himself in mind. A mug which cost what HE would spend on a mug. Things for a craft project HE wants to do. Something towards a break HE wants to go on. A ring that you made very easy for him by being happy with a modest cost so HE got a cheap and easy time of it.
His gifts tell you that the most important person to him is himself, as that's who he was thinking of. I'd be surprised if this selfishness only showed itself in the presents he buys.

Exactly this

TFImBackIn · 11/01/2026 13:50

I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food

WTF have I just read? So any money he earns is just his own pocket money? You are basically paying him to live with you. Can't you see how nuts that is? An adult child would expect to make some contribution to bills, never mind a partner.

BuckChuckets · 11/01/2026 13:50

SunnyGreenBird · 11/01/2026 12:53

you've inferring (by using cocklodger) that the only reason the op has him to stay is because of the sex which is really rude and demeaning and insulting to the OP herself there can be more to a person than what they bring financially

You're obviously not aware of the term cocklodger then?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 11/01/2026 13:52

I'd leave him, leave the fucking mug and the other bits of tat, and sell his bloody lego. Buy yourself something nice with it.

redjeans28 · 11/01/2026 13:52

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

This is absolutely shocking. You pay for the roof over his head and his food? Any decent man would insist in contributing to the household HE lives in. He doesn't respect you at all.

Pomegranatecarnage · 11/01/2026 13:52

This is such a heartbreaking read, OP. You sound such a warm and generous person. I’d keep that warmth and generosity for your children. This man doesn’t value you-not because of who you are, or due to any fault of yours-but because he is innately selfish. He is out for what he can get. A lot of people have this trait, and they make hopeless partners.

Namechangerage · 11/01/2026 13:52

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

Please take this as a wake up call. Yes it was fine to have separate finances but he should still be paying towards gas electric, council tax, food… it’s actually taking the piss that he didn’t get you the full £400 stay bearing in mind he has NO HOUSEHOLD BILLS

God I’m so upset for your kids as this is money you could put away for their future!!

Why on earth are you buying presents for his family too?! It’s madness and you should genuinely seek counselling because you need to seriously build your confidence and judgement. It’s way off.

RideTheGoat · 11/01/2026 13:53

I just read your other posts. I can't help myself, I have to say this - separate finances is absolutely fine, and I see why you prefer it this way. That does not mean he gets to sleep, eat, stay warm and clean under someone else's roof and not cover his head for this!

You are being used OP. This is not okay no matter how long he was single for prior to meeting you.

littlemousebigcheese · 11/01/2026 13:53

My love, a relationship shouldn’t be this hard. He sounds awful. You sound strong - you got out of one bad relationship before. Look how well you have done with building your career and keeping your children safe. You can get rid of him. You deserve better.

Namerequired · 11/01/2026 13:53

Tell him you will give him the £50 gift voucher as his birthday gift, as really you won’t use it. That way he can use it towards his birthday and you can use the money you would have spent on him buying/exchanging the mug you wanted.
You need to throw this one back.

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