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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
TheMorgenmuffel · 11/01/2026 13:19

Separate finances does not mean he doesn't contribute anything though.
Lots of couples have separate finances but they each contribute fairly to the bills.

You are being used.

G5000 · 11/01/2026 13:19

totally fine to have separate finances but he does not do any financing of his own life!

EleanorReally · 11/01/2026 13:19

the photos are a nice thought

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:19

Getupat8amnow · 11/01/2026 13:13

I am astonished at your living arrangements OP. Your kids need and deserve the money you spend giving that CF a free ride and he COLLECTS KNIVES! Wake up and get rid of this man.

They are for camping and bushcraft, not the weapon type knives I know that some people can collect

OP posts:
Kelticgold · 11/01/2026 13:20

I hope this thread encourages you to sort out your will to secure your DCs future.

Bess91 · 11/01/2026 13:20

£50 Voucher for a hotel. Is that a joke? And then saying you can use it towards his birthday? YANU if you don't say something. The bar is low.

Aplstrudl · 11/01/2026 13:21

Are you sure you can’t use the hotel voucher for dinner? I would buy him bugger all for his birthday as he is selfish and lazy and thoughtless.

Geeseinarowhonk · 11/01/2026 13:21

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:14

Thanks for the posters who have replied without querying my self esteem ect. No I do not have great self esteem, my previous marriage was with a violent and unpredictable cocaine user who got us into huge amounts of debt, hence why I am happy to have entirely seperate finances now.

But you're married to this guy, aren't you? (You said dh from your initial post).

If so, while you may have separate bank accounts, the law sees you as one entity. In signing a marriage certificate, he will have a claim on your home, especially if the marriage has been more than 5 years.

Notice how comfortable he was in telling you that the mug he got was the cheapest when you questioned it. It wasn't worth the cost of the other mugs - translation, you are not worth the cost.

He got the golden ticket with you, and he knows it. I really think you need to think of what your long-term plan B is, because revictimisation after a previous abusive relationship is very common. A slightly less shit man from a previously very shit man, is still a shit man.

BillieWiper · 11/01/2026 13:21

Well he didn't pay for the voucher. It's probably just some marketing guff that fell out of a magazine or sent in junk mail.

The ring is nice. The rest is pretty shite.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/01/2026 13:21

What does he pay for? He uses the water gas and electric so is he paying towards those bills? He eats food right so does he buy his own or contribute to the food costs?

This man sounds like another dependent op.

whynotwhatknot · 11/01/2026 13:22

Dollyfloss · 11/01/2026 12:17

Wow. That is even worse than the poster on the “Who got the worst gift for Christmas?” thread who’s dh bought them a trip away - but booked them in separate pods in one of those cheap pod hotels as it was cheaper!

He’s a tight arse, plain and simple. How dare he hint at gifts costing 100’s of pounds and then buy you utter shite!

to me that sounds perfect

Randalsratfriends · 11/01/2026 13:22

My God, I've just read that he doesn't contribute to household or living expenses, that you bought his family's presents. And he STILL cheaped out on your gifts.

Dear God OP. I am so sorry about your previous relationship, but this man is not a good one. He is absolutely playing you.

Separate finances means you have your own bank accounts and each pay your way. Not that one person pays everything.

He is just living off you. He should be paying his share of all bills, including food, as a bare minimum.

PeopleTheyAintNoGood · 11/01/2026 13:23

I voted yabu because you chose to spend the amount you did.
You also chose to buy for all the relatives and pay all the household bills.

SwingTheMonkey · 11/01/2026 13:23

I’d definitely suggest some therapy op. You’ve gone from a violent, drug addict ex to a giant man child who cheerfully spends his earrings on fun things for himself while you financially support him.

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:24

Aplstrudl · 11/01/2026 13:21

Are you sure you can’t use the hotel voucher for dinner? I would buy him bugger all for his birthday as he is selfish and lazy and thoughtless.

Pretty sure. It's not a hotel as such, it's a log cabin lodge type place with no other facilities on site.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 11/01/2026 13:24

@tryingtobegrateful
This is a bad relationship.
I pray you arent actually married especially as you have children.
Please make sure they are the named beneficiaries and the house is left to them but he is left something (like a few k) in the will and you explicitly make clear why (ie he doesnt contribute to mortgage or bills and you have made him aware of your plans)

You are "giving" too much in general
The lego alone would have been a great and generous gift.

The voucher
The hotel in question no doubt has a restaurant and / or bar.

Go and have a few nice meals ON YOUR OWN and whatever you do dont take this shit head to a fancy hotel for HIS birthday...
If you must give it back to him and tell him he can go with a friend .

And buy yourself the actual mug you want with his birthday gift budget and give it to him and woth a straight face say you thought he'd like it. Then use it yourself EVERY DAY.

The knife collection makes him sound like a psycho though...⁸

MostlyHappyMummy · 11/01/2026 13:25

Doubt I'm the only one who's reported this

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/01/2026 13:25

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:14

Thanks for the posters who have replied without querying my self esteem ect. No I do not have great self esteem, my previous marriage was with a violent and unpredictable cocaine user who got us into huge amounts of debt, hence why I am happy to have entirely seperate finances now.

You are worth so much more than you believe.
You deserve so much more than this.
You are obviously a lovely thoughtful woman. This does not mean you should be taken advantage of.
It is a new year. Take a good hard look at your life. Decide what you want & then take the steps needed to get it. It's not always easy. You know this. But you can do it.
You deserve to be happy.
Best of luck.

longtompot · 11/01/2026 13:26

@tryingtobegrateful him buying you a voucher to use for a small part of a hotel stay, to then suggest using it for his birthday is a bit like you just buying him a pack of small Lego bricks towards the massive set he hinted he would like, but you saying actually you can use them on this set that I like. It is no present for you at all.

Did he move in with you quite soon after you getting together? Where was he living before that?

Dollyfloss · 11/01/2026 13:26

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

You have yourself a cocklodger my dear!

Nicecatneighbour · 11/01/2026 13:26

He's taking you for a mug.
Cocklodging AND a CF.
I'd be showing him the door.

JillyGiraffe · 11/01/2026 13:27

TheatreTheatre · 11/01/2026 12:17

I would spell it out directly. E.g: “so let’s get this right, you give me £50 off a £400 spend for your birthday?

I think I will give you a £50 voucher for the same place for your birthday and then we can pay the balance between us”

I think this is a very reasonable thing to do! I think he’ll probably be disappointed though as he’s used to OP paying for everything by the sounds of it.

Gingercar · 11/01/2026 13:27

He doesn’t care about you. You’ve trained him to just think about himself. He’s put a lot of thought into things he wants - not only the things that you’ve bought him, but also the things he’s bought you are mostly things for him too. In the hotel’s case its things he’s arranged for you to pay for.
You need some counselling or help. There is not one person on this thread thinks he’s worthwhile as a partner. Not one! Just you.. You need rid of this man.

If you do use the hotel voucher in any way, make sure it’s not with him. If he queries it say “it was my gift!” I’d also throw the postcards away. Or wrap them up for him for his birthday. Any more mentions of his birthday present I’d reply “I’ve spent £300 on Lego for you this year - that will have to cover your birthday and Valentine’s Day too this year. I’m not made of money.

HoppityBun · 11/01/2026 13:28

Istm that Christmas presents from him are the least of your troubles

Getupat8amnow · 11/01/2026 13:28

Knives are knives whatever they are used for. Would you want your child touching them when they are teenagers? Or their friends coming over to look at the knife collection? I would not have a knife collection in my home. Too many lives are destroyed by knife crime. How many bushcraft or camping knives does one person need? I am horrified at your situation OP and feel sorry for your children who are learning via your demonstration that a woman will put up with being used by a man for a free ride. I am genuinely shocked.