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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 12/01/2026 18:37

I must admit we dont do "surprises" .I have a favourite perfume and chocolates that I like .I might mention something I have seen that I like but that might be when out before Christmas and we will get it then

SoScarletItWas · 12/01/2026 18:47

Dunnocantthinkofone · 11/01/2026 12:39

FFS woman!!

i totally get not wanting him to pay towards the house if it’s solely yours. I understand too tte desire not to expect him to pay for things towards your children

But for crying out loud, HE ISNT EVEN PAYING FOR HIS OWN FOOD and you buy his family presents instead of him
Stop behaving like such a mug!

100%! He’s treating you like a mug (and not even a nice one from the craft market).

I know you don’t want your thread derailed so I’ll answer your OP:

You’re not being unreasonable to want more care take over your present.

YABVVVU to put up with this financial arrangement.

GirlWithTheRedScarf · 12/01/2026 18:50

Speaking from experience, he sounds very much like a guy I used to date in a previous relationship. He was tighter than a ducks arse. I too was gifted a present which I would have had to fork out for a hotel stay and it would have ended up costing me money. Until I pointed this out awkwardly that I assumed it was part of my Christmas gift even though it clearly wasn’t.
Looking back, I’m glad that it did end because life would have been truly miserable. We had different ideas and were not compatible.
You would have been best not doing gifts and keeping the hundreds of pounds you spent on him to treat yourself. I make it a ritual now every year to put atleast one gift under the tree for myself. I never disappoint myself either in doing so!
I’m assuming that this is your first Christmas together and so have not had “the talk” about gift giving. I too made that mistake in another relationship.
You either have a chat about it or you don’t. If you choose not to, I can guarantee all birthdays and Christmas’s together will be of similar and you may start to build resentment (if not already). Your love language is gifting to show affection. His love language is clearly not.
Maybe decide if gift giving in this relationship is sensible or maybe cut back on the gifts for him next time to perhaps a token or a novelty?
If you are truly happy then great! I’m sure you can compromise and work things out. If you feel like you are settling however and could do better then save your pennies and your future, by moving on. Good Luck OP! 😊

MumOfTheMoos · 12/01/2026 18:54

chattyness · 11/01/2026 12:13

You have to tell him & be clear about it, or he will always do it. Keep the ring as you love it, but everything else give back and say something like " I love the ring but you've made a mistake with all this,they seem to be gifts that you want & not at all for me" then leave him on his own to think about what you've said. He's a CF !

Yes, this is what I did one Christmas - just said I didn’t really like or need them and would prefer to exchange them for something else and then I did a list from then on - with strict instructions not to go off piste. The list has a range of things, prices, types or present and there was enough on it to so that whatever I got was a surprise.

CalmAzureMaker · 12/01/2026 18:58

Buy your own presents or be very specific when asking!
Men are usually rubbish at presents, they can’t help it really. Keepyour expectations low and, with that in mind , God knows you are spending far too much money on him! Spend less next time and stop feeling resentful, Christmas is over , so let it go!

truffleruffle · 12/01/2026 19:01

Needspaceforlego · 11/01/2026 13:57

That sounds like a plan, good thinking

Yes I love that give him the same in a voucher and agree to share the payment balance. 🤣

Silverfoxette · 12/01/2026 19:04

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

I’m really sorry, he doesn’t sound like a good man and you deserve better. You were so thoughtful in choosing gifts you knew he’d like and spent ££ on him regardless of cost because you wanted him happy. Unfortunately he did not do the same. He sounds very selfish.

you deserve so much better. 🤗

ClaudiaCasswell · 12/01/2026 19:06

Good god. It feels like every week I read a post on MN that has me shaking my head. This grifter has a great deal here. What exactly is he bringing to the table? Dump him OP, he’s a low earning cheap waste of space who will never give you what you deserve.

SoScarletItWas · 12/01/2026 19:07

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

Sorry, I thought I’d read all your posts when I posted but I missed this last one.

I think you need to use this as the final moment when you realise he’s just not a great partner, never will be, kick him out and don’t fall for another sob story.

I’m sorry you gave him another chance and he’s let you down again. This has to be the end of the line, though.

Washingupdone · 12/01/2026 19:14

You are on band 5 and you pay for nearly everything, he is laughing all the way to the bank. He is spending all his wage on himself. He didn’t give anything to the children he lives with nor his family.

For his birthday give him a £50 voucher at the same place as yours. If he still wants to go he pays half the bill. He knew what he was doing when he bought it.

Maybe, if you know the craft shop you could get an upgraded mug, good for their business .

Blablibladirladada · 12/01/2026 19:16

Needmorelego · 11/01/2026 12:08

Has he built the Lego yet?
If not return it for a refund.
If built sell secondhand. If it's one of the sets I am thinking of you will get ££££ for it.
And then firmly tell him why you have done that.

Wow!
that is a bit much :/

MrsOlderButWiser · 12/01/2026 19:18

This is a weird set up. Any decent man would make an effort to contribute to the household bills including food. I personally wouldn't be buying gifts for his family, that is his responsibility they're his family. I would be extremely disappointed with the voucher as well. I would ask him if he intends to pay the other £350.00 for the two night stay, if not then the voucher is redundant. I feel a discussion is needed as the bills will be going up in March / April such as water rates and council tax etc, a fairer division of finances needs facing head on, it's only fair.

Blablibladirladada · 12/01/2026 19:18

Hiya op!

just adapt to his gifting and buy yourself something nice for the difference! I mean you can obviously tell him but he probably know..? He can not be good at giving…it is fine! Don’t be expecting him to do better. And stop buying for his family!

bitterbuddhist · 12/01/2026 19:20

You're not being unreasonable, OP, he's taking the piss. On the old Twitter, there was a tweet that said, you'll know if a man likes you - because he shows it. Your partner isn't showing his best self at all.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 12/01/2026 19:21

Sorry OP, i'm sounding the cocklodger alarm! He pays nothing towards the household or food and you still had to buy his family gifts? He is taking the P! Crap presents are the least of your worries!

Blablibladirladada · 12/01/2026 19:21

MrsOlderButWiser · 12/01/2026 19:18

This is a weird set up. Any decent man would make an effort to contribute to the household bills including food. I personally wouldn't be buying gifts for his family, that is his responsibility they're his family. I would be extremely disappointed with the voucher as well. I would ask him if he intends to pay the other £350.00 for the two night stay, if not then the voucher is redundant. I feel a discussion is needed as the bills will be going up in March / April such as water rates and council tax etc, a fairer division of finances needs facing head on, it's only fair.

Sorry missed the bits where it isn’t just about not buying nice gifts…he doesn’t participate in bills???

total different story.
So he lives here…and that is it? I am not really thinking it is a nice way of living but if you allow that, why are you bothered by his gift(lack of)? I’d be way more mifted that I pay everything 🥹

CosyBiscuit · 12/01/2026 19:22

i feel so sad for you. You obviously work very hard and as well as supporting yourself and children, you are carrying this man.

I often consider, what does my partner do to make life better having him in it? Doesn’t seem like much from outside looking in.

I think you should end it and all the money you spend on gifts for him and his family, treat yourself instead.

You deserve it!
Good luck x

Pessismistic · 12/01/2026 19:23

Sorry op but he’s bloody tight arse. Op considering he doesn’t have to contribute to any living expenses this makes it worse tbh. He should have paid the full amount of the voucher if I was you and you go together he pays for it all he can’t gift towards something then expect you to pay the rest also I would not want him there either but that’s your choice he’s basically sharing your Xmas gift. I know this is not about the contribution but in this day and age even living together should cost the other person money food electricity is not free. If your relationship isn’t that good I would be reevaluating it. He’s basically said you’re not worth much to him but his LEGO was worth it. Op but it wasn’t to you but you still spent the money on him because you’re generous. People charge kids rent as it teaches them a valuable lesson he’s taking the piss out of you, he could have treated you at Christmas to show you how much he cares and how much he appreciates living rent free etc. good luck.

NostalgiaWhore · 12/01/2026 19:36

I tend to agree with others - he's a cocklodger and you should follow through on getting rid. If you want to go away with him for his birthday, the only way is if he pays for the rest of the hotel expenses. Give him the £50 voucher for when he books it and fully expect him to pay the £350 on top. Do not be swayed. You are carrying this boy-child of a man and he needs to start taking some responsibility.

PSPoppet · 12/01/2026 19:42

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

As long as he’s going to pay the balance of the trip for his birthday that would be fine - otherwise I’m with people saying to gift it back to him. Other than that he sounds like he adds nothing to your life - would you really miss him if he wasn’t there ?

Oldwmn · 12/01/2026 19:43

I'm getting CL vibes here...

Perplexed20 · 12/01/2026 19:44

I read your post out to my dh. His response- 'so he didn't buy her a present then'.

What do you get out of this relationship then?.

pouletvous · 12/01/2026 19:49

I would assume he will be booking and paying for the hotel , not you. Make sure you tell him that

pouletvous · 12/01/2026 19:50

also, if you dump him you wont have to live with that awful sounding coffee table!

Glasgowmama88 · 12/01/2026 20:01

Well if he wants to use the voucher for his birthday, then let HIM pay the additional money that’s required - you keep YOUR money in your pocket and don’t fork out anything else