Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
DongQing12 · 12/01/2026 18:02

It sounds like you’re in a pretty rubbish situation OP, I’m sorry that things are this way for you. You deserve better though. Probably time for a serious talk with him xx

OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/01/2026 18:03

Grammarnut · 12/01/2026 17:06

You'd think they'd have better things to do. Unless they are all architects?

You'd think we'd all have better things to do than spend time on social media but here we are.

Grammarnut · 12/01/2026 18:03

Calliopespa · 12/01/2026 17:40

Lots of them do spend their time doing other things, you are right.

Downing pints at the pub, leg-splaying while watching sport on the sofa, gaming, online shopping, watching tik tok reels, porn... Plenty of things adults do with their time. Not all more easily justified than Lego.

Personally I don't have time, but I still find your comment needlessly judgy. And if I did have time to sit watching the footie I'd probably rather do a lego...

Well, I was clearly being judgy. I used to love Lego with my kids and played with my brothers' bricks. Very good for spatial ability.

Grammarnut · 12/01/2026 18:05

OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/01/2026 18:03

You'd think we'd all have better things to do than spend time on social media but here we are.

Point taken. I shall take the dog out.

Crazylady80 · 12/01/2026 18:06

My goodness! I don’t blame you for being upset. I don’t think there’s much point in getting into an argument or taking gifts away. It’s done now.

But I would sit him down and say you don’t feel the gifts are equally reciprocated. Thus next year, it’s best if the adults (you and him) buy your own gifts to yourselves, so no hard feelings.

You should share gifts to the children but his family needs to be his responsibility and your family, will be your responsibility. Unless you like buying for the in-laws, that is how we do it.

Also I would use the voucher completely on yourself. Add some money to it and give yourself a treat.

Oh and the Lego (as it was very expensive) was both his Christmas & Birthday present 😊

Louiseb85 · 12/01/2026 18:07

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

Thoughtless. Tell him if he wants to use it, he can pay the extra £350 needed!

anon666 · 12/01/2026 18:12

Honestly the voucher alone would have made my blood boil.

Have you seen the episode of "The Simpsons" where Homer buys Marge a bowling ball with Homer engraved on it. 🤔

Well the hotel "voucher" for his birthday is worse.

jbm16 · 12/01/2026 18:12

I also struggle with these kind of posts, the real issue is you are married and still see it as your money...

dcthatsme · 12/01/2026 18:14

I feel that the voucher is really not a nice present at all. If anything it's a present from you to him in disguise 😦I don't think it's the cost but the other two presents clearly underwhelmed you as well (including the one that hasn't been made yet and which you don't want anyway and the cheapest mug in the batch). I do wonder if this man is a bit too happy to rely on you to pay for stuff and look after him and his family?

SupermumKaty · 12/01/2026 18:16

I agree. That’s what me and my husband do. We agree to a budget and we have Amazon wish lists or if there is a particular item I would like I ask him if I can have it for my birthday. It’s recently been my birthday as well and my husband got me loads of gifts off my wish list. I was really happy with it apart from the funny card he got me, but I was honest and said I didn’t like it as I prefer the sentimental ones and he appreciated me telling me so he knew for next time. You need to talk to him as he’s not a mind reader but I do agree with everyone else how it’s a really weird gift and to suggest that you use it for his birthday is just wrong x

Hangingthread · 12/01/2026 18:17

Give him the voucher and get him to book it. Put the responsibility completely on him saying - You can book my Christmas present. I think you need to suck it up with the mug - stick it at the back of the cupboard and forget about it. Redirect his creative idea to a big frame collage somewhere. Am sure many have already said they did much worse. I got a teatowel, diffuser and candle set and box of matchmakers from Sainsbury’s. I bought his and my whole family lovely gifts, all the kids gifts and some lovely ones for him. I wasn't that impressed at the time but haven't thought about it since till your post. Now I am feeling sorry for myself!

jessr1990 · 12/01/2026 18:17

I think if I was in your shoes (and if it's not joint bank accounts) I'd give him the voucher and say to him ' great idea about using this for your birthday. Here you go, you can book it'.

He will either need to bring it up that oh... it needs £350+ more adding, in which case you can say "Yeah... it did when you gifted it to me too", or he will just pay it, and yes you'll be kind of sharing a gift... but at least he's paid for it.

ILovePie01 · 12/01/2026 18:17

My MIL once bought us flights to a destination in Europe (think £50ish Ryanair sale). It cost us annual leave, maybe £300 hotel (fixed dates from the flights so no options for cheap dates) and maybe £300 more spending money that we didn’t have. A gift is not a gift if you have to spend money!

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/01/2026 18:17

elh1605 · 12/01/2026 17:40

I buy for my dh family as they are now my family as we're married and vice versa. I'll often see something for 'his' nephews and get it and he's even bought sanitary wear for 'my niece' over Covid. Maybe we're just in the minority that view each other's family as 'our family' since we're married.

In a staggering number of relationships there is a belief that gift buying can only be done by someone with a vagina.

JumpingPumpkin · 12/01/2026 18:18

I can't believe he contributes so little. Why no contribution to household expenses for the house he is living in? I'm afraid I chose YABU because you are for allowing him to be a freeloader.
If he's got some genuine good qualities that add to your life have a grown up conversation about finances and in future agree a budget for presents.
Oh, and point out to him that the voucher fails as a gift, so you're expecting him to pay the rest of the weekend away as well

onemoretimefromthetop · 12/01/2026 18:19

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

I don't know if someone has said this already in the thread OP but the last sentence here broke my heart a little bit.
Spending money on you at Christmas on gifts that make you happy should be worthwhile. If he generally had very little money, i'd be more sympathetic but if he's happy to spend ££ on things for himself then it's not ok.

But hopefully a conversation about this and how it's made you feel will resolve the matter in the future - that should certainly be worth his attention/effort.

NavyBee · 12/01/2026 18:22

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

‘You knew I’d be a rubbish partner’ what sort of an attitude is that?? He’s saying that he’s not even going to try, that he thinks it’s fine not to, and that it is somehow your fault. Be brave, kick him out. He is a waste of space in your life.

JennyBG · 12/01/2026 18:23

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

And right there, in the last sentence, is your answer…”he will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile”. I’m sorry to say, he obviously doesn’t think 'you’re' worthwhile.

I think you need to start 2026 as you want it to carry on, and sort it all out now…

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 12/01/2026 18:24

You need to do some serious work on yourself OP. You've gone from one abusive relationship to another. You must surely be able to see that he's using you? This situation is absolutely ridiculous. Would you expect to live rent and bill free with all your food paid for? No you wouldn't, so why do you think it's ok for him?

This isn't about the 'present'. This is about you spending your money on someone who clearly doesn't care about you at all, when you should be spending it on yourself and your children. Your children are going to be living in a very very difficult economy - things are bad now and they're only going to get worse. You need to be keeping all your money for your family.

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for them.

BlahBlah2025 · 12/01/2026 18:27

He's a cocklodger OP. Get rid of him. He's using you and your funds to make a nice little savings nest for himself and then he'll bugger off.

FFS, spend that money on your kids and your pension and your lives. You don't need a dick like this hanging around draining the life out of you. Literally.

Get rid. Your poor kids as well having this loser hanging around you. Why do women tolerate such crapness from men? Sounds like you're the only one 'really in love'. Don't fall for the sob story again. Kick him out.

BlahBlah2025 · 12/01/2026 18:28

You've basically taken on another child. A man child. You are not his mother and you are not his therapist. If he's got a sob story, he can go and talk to a therapist to sort out his head and he can bloody well pay for his own food and rent somewhere else. This is just appalling.

mummyhat · 12/01/2026 18:29

Tracked to the end of this thread as it’s a futile read, so sorry if (many hopefully) others have stated this but, I’m sure you are realising you just need to L this B OP.
Don’t fanny around discussing how little he values you darling. You will do so much better x

BlahBlah2025 · 12/01/2026 18:32

And you married this loser? OMG OP, don't ever marry again until you've had plenty of therapy. I hope it doesn't cost you too much to divorce him and be free..

pineapplesundae · 12/01/2026 18:33

Why on earth did you spend so much money on your husband? If he wants those things he can buy them himself.

Rhodie72 · 12/01/2026 18:33

I'm very sorry, but he's got his cake and he's damn well going to eat it!

Thoughtless, selfish and rude on his part.

WHY are you buying for his family?! I made that mistake! Don't do it anymore... That's not my family, and they've never been overly grateful, either.

I don't think the Lego set should stay in his possession for too long. Sell it to cover the cost of his very, very mean and throw it back in your face present.

YANBU. At all. BUT don't spend so much on him in future. It's not revenge, it's about agreeing on a budget that's affordable for both of you, and stick to it. I've made that mistake, and learnt from it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread