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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
GoldOP · 12/01/2026 20:14

I told my dh id like him to book something for us to do together and hinted at a spa day, concert or show. He kept saying he couldn’t find anything despite groupon being rife with spa day offers.
He panicked shopped on Xmas eve buying me gifts I didn’t need (slippers,dressing gown) both of which have been literally returned this evening 🙄
I’d ask your dh if he’s putting the rest of the money towards your hotel stay as the voucher doesn’t even cover 1 night

MaddestGranny · 12/01/2026 20:15

ChocolateCinderToffee · 11/01/2026 13:52

I'd leave him, leave the fucking mug and the other bits of tat, and sell his bloody lego. Buy yourself something nice with it.

It's OP's house. She needs to show the CL the door. Then change the locks.

therealduchess · 12/01/2026 20:27

Seems I'm very much in the minority, but, I think hes getting a hard time here! Some people just aren't good at gift buying! Doesn't mean there's a deeper reason or they're being thoughtless.
You love the ring he got you & he did listen about the craft market mug (albeit he let himself down by telling you why he chose that particular mug 🤦‍♀️)
I think you need to just tell him that you're upset. Otherwise he might do it again!

If its any consolation, my husband tried getting me a soup maker for my birthday. I don't even like soup 🤣

Nanof8 · 12/01/2026 20:32

I'm not understanding the voucher thing. Is that like a gift certificate that he had to pay £50 for? (Dense Canadian here :) ) I'd be upset if my DH bought me a gift certificate that didn't cover what it is meant for. Does the place have spa treatments that you could use it for without having to add a bunch of $ to it?
Also maybe start giving him a list of several things to choose from beforehand.

MaddestGranny · 12/01/2026 20:32

Dear OP, you are clearly a very kind, generous person with a giving and compassionate nature.

I've read the whole thread and most responders are of the same opinion:

You Deserve Better Than This.
Yes, you've escaped from a worse, horrible, abusive relationship. But you don't have to settle for this "deficit system" of a selfish partner. He'll further wear away your self-esteem and sap your life-energy. He needs to go.

I hope that you will find a good therapist to walk alongside you as you re-find your worth. You do need someone to be on your team. It is very often too hard to go it alone. This is what therapists are for. You are worth it, OP. And your kids will benefit from having a transformed Mum. Good luck, OP.

Arcticienne · 12/01/2026 20:35

Yep! You’ve been shafted. Giving your DH the benefit of the doubt, he seems OK, but wrapped up in his own multifarious pursuits and in general a bit of a twt with very little self awareness. I suspect you do FAR too much for him and everyone else in the extended family, judging by the amount of time, thought, effort and money you spent on them all at Christmas. But you’ve provided yourself with the answer to your justified hurt in your post. The ring you wanted ! Next Christmas AND birthday AND anniversary TELL him what you’d like. Maybe one or two options, but give him reminders, as he seems to have minimum sensitivity regarding getting his head out of his arse when it comes to this aspect of married bliss. And if he still fails to rise to the occasion… call him out for the miserable twt that he is. Oh, and cut back on the generosity to all the extended family. Start putting yourself at the head of the queue. As for your current disappointment… let it go …. But ffs nip the glass top coffee table project in the bud. 😱

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/01/2026 20:37

Nanof8 · 12/01/2026 20:32

I'm not understanding the voucher thing. Is that like a gift certificate that he had to pay £50 for? (Dense Canadian here :) ) I'd be upset if my DH bought me a gift certificate that didn't cover what it is meant for. Does the place have spa treatments that you could use it for without having to add a bunch of $ to it?
Also maybe start giving him a list of several things to choose from beforehand.

He paid £50 and bought her a £50 gift voucher to a place he wants to go to that is a wildnerness lodge place (not a fancy 5 star with nice bars and restaurants or a spa).

It costs about £400 or so to stay so the £50 buys OP fuck all and OP isnt the least bit interested in the place... and when he gave it to her suggested she use it to take him away for the weekend for his birthday...

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/01/2026 20:37

Was it a free £50 voucher he got ?

Hes taking the piss. With not paying towards bills or food. I had one of those - he’s an ex now

you could do better

but that’s not what this thread is about

they are crap presents and you know this

how long have you been married /together

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/01/2026 20:38

And why are you buying his parents pressies etc

SoScarletItWas · 12/01/2026 20:38

therealduchess · 12/01/2026 20:27

Seems I'm very much in the minority, but, I think hes getting a hard time here! Some people just aren't good at gift buying! Doesn't mean there's a deeper reason or they're being thoughtless.
You love the ring he got you & he did listen about the craft market mug (albeit he let himself down by telling you why he chose that particular mug 🤦‍♀️)
I think you need to just tell him that you're upset. Otherwise he might do it again!

If its any consolation, my husband tried getting me a soup maker for my birthday. I don't even like soup 🤣

Did you read OP’s other posts where she revealed he pays nothing towards food or bills, she even buys his kids’ presents at Christmas, and he’s generally a waste of space?

The gifts aren’t the only issue here…

Doubledenim305 · 12/01/2026 20:44

Squeeky112 · 11/01/2026 12:06

That is well cheeky. But me and my DH don't buy each other presents AT ALL for christmas, birthday, anniversary etc - so much less stress, we both support it,, and buy things we need/want when we need them. None of these issues arise.

Absolutely agree. Every month or two there's a reason to shell out again and again and again. It's ridiculous. We both have our own money and can buy ourselves whatever we want, whenever we want. Gifts really are for kids.
It takes a huge pressure off us both and we both value and easy life over opening an expensive present.
Having said all that gifts are neither of our love languages, so means very little to either of us.
We do give presents but useful or thoughtful ones.

Blades2 · 12/01/2026 20:44

My 16 year old daughter is better at gifting than your miserable dh.

Doubledenim305 · 12/01/2026 20:45

SoScarletItWas · 12/01/2026 20:38

Did you read OP’s other posts where she revealed he pays nothing towards food or bills, she even buys his kids’ presents at Christmas, and he’s generally a waste of space?

The gifts aren’t the only issue here…

Simple. Stop buying him extravagant gifts and get him to pay for his own side of the families gifts. Easy.

herefortheclicks · 12/01/2026 20:47

what does he pay for your common life?

Skwbunny · 12/01/2026 20:47

You could tell him you are happy to use the voucher for his birthday, as long as he books it, and pays any additional costs!. That will shut him.up!.

abricotine · 12/01/2026 20:52

Squeeky112 · 11/01/2026 12:06

That is well cheeky. But me and my DH don't buy each other presents AT ALL for christmas, birthday, anniversary etc - so much less stress, we both support it,, and buy things we need/want when we need them. None of these issues arise.

This! So much happier with no presents than disappointing lacklustre ones 😂

herefortheclicks · 12/01/2026 20:52

i just read the whole thread. Why does he not pay for anything? What he does provide you in terms of companionship...?

WorkItUpYourBangle · 12/01/2026 20:55

Use this thread as a good way to see things put into perspective. You can do far better than this lovely ❤️ Your wee ones and you deserve so much more. He has gotten away with far too much just because he told you he would be a rubbish partner, so now he will never try to be anything else.

Loungingbutnotforlong · 12/01/2026 20:59

You sound like a lovely person- kind, generous, thoughtful. But you need to dump this loser and put all your great qualities into yourself and your Children.
I know you said you’re fine with the financial arrangement, but why? Why are you fine with a grown adult man moving into your family home and not contributing financially in any way- this, in and of itself shows that he is at best, totally immature and not ready for an adult relationship, and at worst, an absolute user who is draining resources that you could use for your children.
I’m sorry- you’re far too good for him.

andfinallyhereweare · 12/01/2026 21:00

I’d say great and use it for a night away with a friend

Chilly80 · 12/01/2026 21:02

A partner should make your life better if he doesn't ditch him

Farticus101 · 12/01/2026 21:10

Aquarius91 · 11/01/2026 13:38

OP, don’t fall into the trap of thinking this is acceptable just because he isn’t a violent cocaine user like your ex. He is taking advantage of you and giving you the bare minimum. He isn’t a good partner and you deserve more. Christmas gifts aside, he should be contributing to the bills at the very least!

Agree with this.

OhYeahOhYeah · 12/01/2026 21:12

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

Ouch, this doesn’t sound like a tenable situation at all. It feels as though he is taking full advantage of your finances to his gain, and his gain alone.

Is it a good marriage outside of the Christmas gift debacle?

Myotherusernamesafunnyone · 12/01/2026 21:14

Sorry but, particularly given your latest update, it’s time to call time on this relationship. I think you already know that. He is not bringing anything worthwhile to the table.

Farticus101 · 12/01/2026 21:14

I am wondering what the kids are seeing here. Do they have a good relationship with him?

Because I would be really angry if I was the kid and saw ££££ being spent on Lego and other gifts for this man who contributes so little, especially if my own gifts were worth much less. They will be able to perceive the unequal treatment here.