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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
CellophanicDreams · 11/01/2026 19:52

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 19:40

You obviously don't understand all aspects of abuse then shrugs

More assumptions.
I'd expect no less. Says more about you though, seem toxic. See I can assume too.

Enjoy 😀

Bigcat25 · 11/01/2026 19:54

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/01/2026 19:24

The voucher wasn't a gift for you, he's big into bushcraft, and it's for a stay that costs a minimum of £400 at a log cabin - it was something he wanted for himself, and that's even before he told you you can use it to take him there for his birthday. The fucking audacity of this cocklodger is unreal, he's truly shameless. As others have suggested, gift him the £50 back as his birthday gift.

I know you don't want this thread to be about finances, but seriously, this man is using you. All that money he doesn't contribute towards his own living expenses is theft from your own children. Just think of all the overpayments towards paying off your mortgage you could have made if he contributed to his own living expenses. He is stealing from your future mortgage-free self, and also your children's futures.

I sincerely hope you are NOT married to him, I know you haven't clarified, but you called him DH. If you are not married to him, please tell him to leave, he doesn't not require any notice. Do not fall for any more sob stories, this man is a user, plain and simple.

You sound like a truly lovely and kind woman, this man is not a good man, he's a user, a massive user. Him not being violent or a drug user does not make him a good man, he's still a user, a piss taker, a thoughtless bastard.

As for him telling you you should know he's be a shit partner because he was single for 10 years - bullshit. My DH was single for 10 years before we met, in fact, he's never had a girlfriend before, yet he knew how to be a thoughtful man mostly who didn't take the piss, and by the way, I had also separated from a very violent husband when I met DH2, and he did not in anyway use my vulnerability to take the piss or cocklodge. So your waste of space DP/DH is simply full of shit.

If you are actually married to this cocklodger, please get a watertight Will in place asap that leaves everything you have to your children, bar a thousand pounds or so to him, with a letter explaining why. You need to make sure if you die young or before him that he doesn't steal get everything you've ever worked for from your children. I'd also start the separation and divorce proceedings as a matter of urgency, as you want to make sure he walks away with as little of your home and money as possible. Make sure you get a really good solicitor who fights for you, the man has lived for free off you for years, that was his divorce payoff advance.

Good post. His gift is bait to extract a much bigger birthday gift for himself. The nerve! He's coming up with new ways to financially use people. If I gave my husband a small discount towards a much bigger gift to me, disguised as a bigger gift to him he'd be angry and call me out on it.

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 19:54

"some here are desperate to make something out of nothing" that was your conclusion from the original post?

This is illuminating @CellophanicDreams

"I just find abuse as someone who has experienced it years ago is such a serious thing that simply not buying someone a gift doesn't equate to abuse" in your "humble" opinion.

Ergo it's only abuse if someone beats the shit out of you? For clarification, is that what you actually mean?

Way to minimise and why patronise with "Hope your day gets better 😀"?

CellophanicDreams · 11/01/2026 19:57

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 19:54

"some here are desperate to make something out of nothing" that was your conclusion from the original post?

This is illuminating @CellophanicDreams

"I just find abuse as someone who has experienced it years ago is such a serious thing that simply not buying someone a gift doesn't equate to abuse" in your "humble" opinion.

Ergo it's only abuse if someone beats the shit out of you? For clarification, is that what you actually mean?

Way to minimise and why patronise with "Hope your day gets better 😀"?

Nope. Abuse is more than physical but it's also not simply not buying a gift with no other context.

But continue with your bolds and underlines for dramatic effect.

WingingItSince1973 · 11/01/2026 20:13

So you're buying the presents for your kids because he is their stepfather, but then buying the presents for his niece and nephew and other relatives of his? Why? Surely being his family he should buy for them.
As for everything else I think hes shown absolutely no thought so it's definitely not 'the thought that counts' ! Don't use the voucher for his birthday and maybe accidentally drop the mug!

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 20:21

@CellophanicDreams it is difficult to sense the essence of a person over the net when "trying" to give useful input so when you say things like;

"Abuse is more than physical but it's also not simply not buying a gift"

It does make me pause and think why would another victim of abuse minimise the experience of another victim because that was not the same as their own particular circumstance?

Regarding assumptions, my using bold and underline is purely for clarity, not drama but there you go @CellophanicDreams, we all interpret things differently, don't we?

Feel free, should you wish to comment on my latest ruminations, but I really don't want to derail so I won't comment further on @tryingtobegrateful's thread.

I do, however, sincerely wish you peace and healing. 🌸

AngelinaFibres · 11/01/2026 20:22

A knife is a knife is a knife. Most people are stabbed with a kitchen knife grabbed from a knife block in a fit of rage not a special 'weapon knife'

He sounds like an absolute waste of space Op. You can do so much better

Booboobagins · 11/01/2026 20:26

Many gifts are free or inexpensive. I don't know what you'd like, but going on a lovely walk together on your own - no kids no responsibilities, taking a drive to a local beauty spot, buying tickets for a picturesque train journey, buying festival tickets, booking a cheap hotel and visiting a different city, taking you out for coffee and cake, or taking photographs of things you like and putting them in an album?

Honestly, this is nothing to do with budget. I think he doesn't value you.

You loved the mugs, he got you one that isn't pretty or anything. It's not that they're not worth it, what he's really saying is you're not worth it.
He got a voucher towards an expensive hotel room - why? Did he get the voucher from Groupon or a similar place cos he's not paid £50 for it otherwise his spend is very similar to yoyr £100. If he got it from Groupon etc, get him to refund it. I honestly wouldn't bother using it, that'll be a £500/600 weekend before you're done with travel, food and spends.

Gifting you something he needs to do something with to make it usable is pants. He needs to get it done or it's not a present is it? Or maybe he'll do that for your birthday...

Tell him how disappointed you are. Be honest, it's not about £ it's about thoughtfulness. Talk to him about what you like. But honestly, if it happened to me, I would question how much my DP values me.

StandFirm · 11/01/2026 20:41

Not read the full thread so maybe this has already been suggested but the simplest way to get what you want OP and get the message across is to tell you'd like to swap the £50 voucher for the £50 mug you'd really like. Job done.

CellophanicDreams · 11/01/2026 20:42

Alicorn1707 · 11/01/2026 20:21

@CellophanicDreams it is difficult to sense the essence of a person over the net when "trying" to give useful input so when you say things like;

"Abuse is more than physical but it's also not simply not buying a gift"

It does make me pause and think why would another victim of abuse minimise the experience of another victim because that was not the same as their own particular circumstance?

Regarding assumptions, my using bold and underline is purely for clarity, not drama but there you go @CellophanicDreams, we all interpret things differently, don't we?

Feel free, should you wish to comment on my latest ruminations, but I really don't want to derail so I won't comment further on @tryingtobegrateful's thread.

I do, however, sincerely wish you peace and healing. 🌸

Well the layout of your posts doesn't convey what you want.
Shows you for who you are.
No one was minimising anything. Everyone has said that along with other things she has said is abusive.
Not buying a gift in itself by itself is not abusive.

Your posts are full of assumptions and are condescending in tone.
Let it go.
I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard that.

As for your passive aggressive ending, I'm just fine thanks. I am not the one making things up. I think you need genuine help and I hope you get it.

The one thing mumsnet needs is a block button so let's leave it there. I think you are way off.

Hope things get better for you and I genuinely mean that. You're too involved in something that doesn't concern you to the point your making up the story to go with it.

OneNewEagle · 11/01/2026 20:54

Well no relationship advice . But the voucher was a bad gift. Id either not spend it at all as I’d not have the other £350 and I certainly would not use it for his birthday. If I had the £350 I’d take myself away for a two night stay. Leave him at home with his Lego.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/01/2026 21:03

He has shown you who he is.
Take notice
and tell him to leave

DoubleHardBastard · 11/01/2026 21:10

@tryingtobegrateful the voucher that you have to spend £350 to use is shit but the fact he's expecting to use it for HIS birthday is complete CF Territory. I'd definitely be having words.

As an aside, can I ask where you got the custom knife or do you have a link? I also have a DH that collects them and I've run out of ones to buy for him 😅

DoubleHardBastard · 11/01/2026 21:13

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:19

They are for camping and bushcraft, not the weapon type knives I know that some people can collect

Oh come on @Getupat8amnow 😂 plenty of people have collections. I collect mugs, my DH collects knives. It's a collection, it's fine. It doesn't mean anything other than he likes fucking collecting them. Christ.

Clara27 · 11/01/2026 21:48

What does he bring to the relationship op? From what you’ve said, it seems like you’re paying him to be with you which I’m sure you didn’t intend but that’s how it’s ended up. Is this good enough for you? Good enough for your kids? You say you have low self esteem, but look at your strengths. You managed to get yourself and your kids out of an abusive relationship once and you are now supporting you all with a secure roof over your heads. You can do it again. You don’t need this excuse of a man at all, he’s a dead weight and you’d be far better off alone with your kids. Your self esteem will thank you and your kids will too. This so called relationship is not a good model for them to aspire to. I hope you take on board all the encouragement and support here to take back control and stop being grateful for such poor poor treatment, you and your kids deserve better 🤗

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 12/01/2026 00:54

FUCKING HELL - why can people not read all of the OP's posts before replying to a thread? It is so fucking lazy and self important that you think your contribution must be shared immediately, without doing so.

Posting shit along the lines of "all DH are crap at buying gifts/maybe you're mismatched gift givers" or "maybe he's Autistic" is just so fucking damaging in the context of the thread.

Replies like the above are minimizing the abuse that the OP is suffering, which really isn't helpful to the OP at all.

OP you sound like a lovely thoughtful person, and I would strongly advise you to take some time to think about what you really want out of life (for you and the kids), and out of a relationship. Then see if your marriage is really giving you what you want.

Cavalier10 · 12/01/2026 01:09

Get rid of him OP.

askmenow · 12/01/2026 03:10

Forty85 · 11/01/2026 13:39

Can you confirm if you are indeed married?

This OP......are you married to this person and for how long?

Please consider carefully what example this relationship is modelling for your children.
You say you escaped an earlier abusive relationship so your standards are out of kilter, you've set the bar too low.
You appear so grateful to have him, grateful for any crumbs he throws you that you can't see whats in front of your eyes. That this is abuse of your good nature. Everyone else on here can see it and is angry for you.

Your children will learn that you don't value yourself and begin to treat you the same as they grow to adulthood. Their values will be skewed aswell.

If this is your house, you're paying the bills, please seek legal advice and get rid.

Dont be swayed by sob stories. He's told you who he is.....believe him!

Allisnotlost1 · 12/01/2026 09:43

DoubleHardBastard · 11/01/2026 21:13

Oh come on @Getupat8amnow 😂 plenty of people have collections. I collect mugs, my DH collects knives. It's a collection, it's fine. It doesn't mean anything other than he likes fucking collecting them. Christ.

You’re kidding yourself, collecting knives is weird behaviour.

Eggsandavocado · 12/01/2026 13:29

You do realise if you divorce he is highly likely to have a claim to part of your house, despite it being yours before you met ?

Matildahoney · 12/01/2026 13:40

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

My DH hadn't been in a relationship for 6 years before me as his ex did a number on him.
He is an amazing partner, he contributes financially to my house, he does say least 75% of the housework, he looks after DS at the weekend, he does all the cooking, he's there for me emotionally.
Sounds like your partner is using a poor excuse, you choose to be a good partner, he's nothing but a cocklodger OP, get rid of him.

Hellohelga · 12/01/2026 13:40

Yet another thread among many recently about rubbish DH/DP who are selfish, lazy, transactional, tight fisted or outright unkind. Why is everyone tolerating this? Yes raise it and explain that his lack of thoughtfulness is upsetting. There is a massive unbalance in your relationship. Stop buying gifts for his family. Don’t take him away for an expensive birthday treat. Get him a mug, a book and a bar of chocolate.

If he is nice in all other ways apart from being a bit stingy and thoughtless, suggest going forward you stop buying gifts for each other and just do a nice activity or meal out split 50/50 for special occasions. If he’s a bit crap generally consider this strike one. You don’t have kids together so you don’t really need to stay if he doesn’t enhance your life.

onceuponawhim · 12/01/2026 13:45

Pay for the rest of the mini break as HIS ONLY gift for his birthday, and tell him he’s lucky to get that 😆

DottyLottieLou · 12/01/2026 13:45

Yep, give him the voucher back for his birthday and tell him to get you know when he's booked it. Also get him a cheap megabloks set and tell him you didn't think the kego was worth paying for. Then ask for your keys back and change the locks.

onceuponawhim · 12/01/2026 13:46

Pay for the rest of the mini break as HIS ONLY gift for his birthday, and tell him he’s lucky to get that 😆