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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
sassyclassyandsmartassy · 12/01/2026 13:52

Chamomileteaplease · 11/01/2026 12:08

Time for some straight talking between you! I don't blame you for feeling underwhelmed.

But: why did you spend hundreds of pounds on him?? Surely that sets up an inequality before you even start.

Secondly why in god's name are you buying for his parents, nieces and nephews?

Bit late, but time to be even more clear that you don't want a glass topped coffee table with random bits underneath 😂I must say it sounds awful!

Apart from the ring, the rest is cheapskate, lack of thought and care x 100.

What is he like the rest of the time because he sure isn't scoring high on the gift front?!

This 👆🏻 with bells on!

Tell him the trip away sounds great, you’ll leave him to book it and pay the balance!

Grammarnut · 12/01/2026 13:53

You bought him way too much. Mind, I used to collect sideboards (14 last count) and my late DH did buy some which we counted as Christmas presents - I would do the same, mainly hats, interesting drink-ware etc. But you have gone OTT and what grown man plays with Lego?
That said a voucher to use when you celebrate his birthday, and the makings of a coffee-table top you don't want are definitely substandard. He needs to up his game and you need to downsize your gifting.

RoseWineLover · 12/01/2026 14:00

Agree with giving him the voucher back to him for his birthday. And let him pay the remaining balance for the 2 night stay as payback for you buying for all his family! What a CF!! Buy him a pint when you're there......'Happy Birthday Bob'

ThriveAT · 12/01/2026 14:00

The gift that keeps on giving...TO HIM.

Christmaseree · 12/01/2026 14:01

Have you said the hotel/log cabin looks good. Valentines, X date or X date are good for me. I’ll leave you to book it and pay the balance just let me know when it’s sorted.

LiveToTell · 12/01/2026 14:04

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

I bet he is as well 😂

OP - ok, I get you don’t want him providing for your children, but he MUST provide for himself otherwise he’s costing you more just to have him living there. Does he have no self respect?

MangosteenSoda · 12/01/2026 14:04

I don’t really have anything to add regarding your original query, but I’m convinced (from your updates) that you would be much happier single.

I don’t know what value this guy is adding to your life. He does seem to suck a lot of energy and joy out though. What do you love about him?

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2026 14:07

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

MUG!

What on earth are you thinking?

CautiousLurker2 · 12/01/2026 14:09

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:24

Pretty sure. It's not a hotel as such, it's a log cabin lodge type place with no other facilities on site.

So coupled with his bushcraft knife collection it was a gift for him? I’d give it back to him and state you will not be using it. And if the lego is unopened, I’d be retrieving that and returning it, too.

As other PPs say, you seem to be settling for him now as the alternative - separating and raising DCs alone - seems less than ideal. But so is this model of relationships.

And frankly, the ‘I was alone for 10 years before I met you so you knew I’d be a rubbish partner’ is just laughably disingenuous. All of us are alone for years, decades even, as we grow up from children and start out in life.

Honestly, you would be better off without him. So would your kids.

LiveToTell · 12/01/2026 14:09

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:14

Thanks for the posters who have replied without querying my self esteem ect. No I do not have great self esteem, my previous marriage was with a violent and unpredictable cocaine user who got us into huge amounts of debt, hence why I am happy to have entirely seperate finances now.

But you don’t have entirely separate finances. You are PAYING for him.

AdarajamesAgain · 12/01/2026 14:11

If nothing else he should pay the difference in the council tax as you'll have lost the single adult reduction from him moving in!

He should be paying a contribution to the bills at the least!

ReyRey12 · 12/01/2026 14:11

If you give vouchers they should be enough to get something without paying extra. Exception being if you know they need something/will go to thag place and a reduction is appreciated.

SecretSquirrelLoo · 12/01/2026 14:14

You don’t have separate finances. You pay for him.

G5000 · 12/01/2026 14:16

separate in the sense that his money is his money. OP's money is shared, as she pays for everything.

Dogmum74 · 12/01/2026 14:17

I would 100000% be telling him that the hotel voucher is basically a present for him, and lovely if he wants to go for his birthday but that I will not be paying the £350 difference - he will need to - and will treat him to a birthday dinner as his present. And stop buying him such expensive presents as his all sound shit apart from the ring

OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/01/2026 14:24

Grammarnut · 12/01/2026 13:53

You bought him way too much. Mind, I used to collect sideboards (14 last count) and my late DH did buy some which we counted as Christmas presents - I would do the same, mainly hats, interesting drink-ware etc. But you have gone OTT and what grown man plays with Lego?
That said a voucher to use when you celebrate his birthday, and the makings of a coffee-table top you don't want are definitely substandard. He needs to up his game and you need to downsize your gifting.

Given Lego have a range of 18+ lego, quite a few adults play with lego.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 12/01/2026 14:26

Do yourself a favour and LTB

If you don't, at least get him a night in the cheapest hotel in the nearest shit town to you for his birthday. Tell him you don't believe in spending £350 on a hotel room so you got him the cheapest one. Spend the hotel voucher he got you on a lovely bottle of something at the bar for yourself.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/01/2026 14:37

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/01/2026 12:09

Ugh. Weaponised incompetence applied to gift giving. He’s a prince. £50 for an hotel you need to spend on to use, annd then use it for his birthday? Come on op, he’s taking the piss. Some strong words are required - I hope for your sake, he’s better in other areas of your life! And why TF do you buy the gifts for his family? Stop doing that right now!

Edited

Years ago my brother was thrilled to buy me a "gift experience" for my 40th... So I could choose exactly what I wanted... that was a generous 100£.....EXCEPT....

Many of them were literally miles away... As in 250 miles for afternoon tea... (we lived in Cornwall at the time), or had restrictions... Only to be used on these dates/only weekdays... The only localish thing was a river trip... (a bit meh and I'd done it the previous year....),still 2 hours away.

So I'd have had to paid pounds to use it.... It had ridiculously short time on it too... I think 6 months... I had to pay to extend it... Then the buggers went out of business....

That was a memorable gift... 😁

ERthree · 12/01/2026 14:39

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

Of course he has plenty for beer because he free loading off you. Can't you see he is a sponger who has won the lottery. He lives for free, is gifted expensive presents and you buy the presents for his family. Surely you can see this is wrong ? Every penny you spend on you could be saving for your children's future. He is laughing all the way to the bank.

Tardigrade001 · 12/01/2026 14:40

zzplee · 11/01/2026 12:35

Because a gift should be about the receiver, not the giver!

That's where you're going wrong. Gift-giving is mostly about the giver - their motivation (act of love or feeling of obligation), the level of success of the giver's selection of gift, and the (often unvoiced) displeasure the recipient feels towards the giver, to which the giver is usually oblivious.

Read up on Martin Lewis's advice on breaking the cycle of obligatory gift giving, and maybe reduce it to a token gift for each of you and spend the rest of the money on yourselves, on things you actually want.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2022/11/martin-lewis-christmas-gifts-help-or-hindrance/

Exactly this!

Sevenpeaks · 12/01/2026 14:53

The ‘mug’ purchase at the market stall says it all. To insist you buy the cheapest, beige plain one as the other lovely ones weren’t worth the extra is spectacularly Scrooge like.

The voucher is also ridiculous. Did he manage to get it free somehow as an incentive to stay at the hotel?

Given your thoughtful presents, he needs to be spoken to. Meanness is such an unattractive trait.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 12/01/2026 14:58

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

Bloody hell, love, what is he actually bringing to the table? You're funding his entire life, buying him expensive lego and he gets you a useless voucher and a mug you didn't want for Christmas? He must be dynamite in the sack otherwise I do not see the point of him at all.

Manxexile · 12/01/2026 14:58

onceuponawhim · 12/01/2026 13:46

Pay for the rest of the mini break as HIS ONLY gift for his birthday, and tell him he’s lucky to get that 😆

Why are you suggesting she spend £350 on his birthday? Only gift or not.

He doesn't deserve anything!

Grendel7 · 12/01/2026 15:00

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

Sounds like he has never had a relationship before as seems hopeless with ideas for you.
Being a step parent does not exclude him from helping with the cost of presents either. He knew you had kids, he should help, but you def need to give some strong words about this or you'll get it every time!

Mangelwurzelfortea · 12/01/2026 15:00

Manxexile · 12/01/2026 14:58

Why are you suggesting she spend £350 on his birthday? Only gift or not.

He doesn't deserve anything!

He obviously gave her the voucher as a £50 contribution to HIS OWN birthday.

Total cock lodger.