A gift that I need to pay to use?

[tryingtobegrateful]

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

Not everyone who likes lego and collects things is ND. I love Lego, as does one of Mr adult ds. We bought one another lego for Christmas. Neither of us are ND. Lots of people collect things without being ND.

He bought the mug he could afford?!?!

His only living expenses are his phone and car insurance. OP pays for everything else. Even his family’s Christmas presents. Even if he only earns minimum wage he’s still got masses of disposable Income to spend £50 on a mug.

Stop excusing this miserable, freeloading, selfish, tight arsehole.

Did he actually buy this £50 voucher? Sounds like something someone might have been given as compensation from the venue for an error on their stay? I’m betting he was given it either by the venue or by someone else who couldn’t use it.

He should absolutely be contributing to household bills. Please address this!

When I buy from certain stores I get a genetic gift card for like $50 -$100 off wines or something like that (that cost over 250 to buy the package anyway) so could have even been something like that.. 🤷‍♀️
Sounds like an odd value on something that costs so much as a gift.

Or stick it up his arse... At least it would then possibly count as a special 'experience'.

His gift was a coupon for 1/8th the cost of his bday gift, which of course op will have to pay for or this minor discount will go to waste. I would sell the Lego, rip up his gift card and dump. Let his parents and niece and nephew know that you shopped and paid for "his" gifts bc he's a man baby.

Op, you sound generous, hard working and capable. You're a good person, please don't let him or this thread get you down.

The thing about gifts is that people can buy you something you would really like to have, but can't justify the spend/cost. So if a £50 would make you happy (but feels too indulgent to spend that on yourself at the time), that's a perfect gift for you. Not the cheaper version that you could have bought with your own money.

@Ensnared, @INeedAnotherName's assumption was neither rude nor dangerous because ultimately, only you know the truth of your relationship

"Sure it would have been nice.. It isn't the end of the world for me though"

Don't we each set a "subconscious" bar, sometimes some are set wildly below what another would accept though?

So both points are valid, surely?

Yes but surely he would have at least got them a token gift? Though having said that if he didn’t buy his own family anything…

This man must have a cock made out of gold to manage to live for free, put no thought into presents to others, have someone else buy all his family gifts and manage to get ££££ of gifts given to him for Christmas!

I would love to hear what his positive attributes are - can’t be kindness as he hasn’t shown any, can’t be his can do attitude as he doesn’t have one unless it’s to do with himself. He’s not trustworthy because he has manipulated the op into spending £££ for his birthday on a weekend away by paying for £50 of it, he’s not generous - doesn’t buy 1 present for his family, Is he funny? Does he tell good jokes? Does he do all the cooking and cleaning etc? Come on op, what are his positive attributes that you adore so much you are willing to subsidise the whole life of a grown man?

On reading both telling someone to check out the freedom program because a partner didn't buy them a gift where there was no other context or details about the relationship is probably well over the top in all honesty. 🤷‍♀️
My first thought from the original post there wasn't to leap to abuse over a gift not being purchased there were no other details in that particular post to suggest abuse.

The OPs case is different where they have explained how the burden of everything is on them etc but thats not the level of detail the post being advised to engage in the freedom program exhibited. Abuse is serious and should be taken seriously hence the existence of such programs but not being bought a gift is not abuse when it's an isolated disappoint. Not everything we think is not nice equals abuse and could be an isolated incident.. Without more detail it was a long reach.

Well its clear the gifts are a symptom of much bigger issues. I'm not sure what you get from the relationship at all as the picture you have painted is of an uninvolved self-interested freeloader. The Christmas gift situation is like when a mum spoils her kids and her kid with less resources grabs a bunch of flowers from Asda. Except he's not a kid.

He's a tight fisted partner!

I'm not sure why you're buying gifts for his family. That's on him. As for the coffee table It sounds like that something he wants not you. That's a gift to him just like the voucher is...

His presents sound awful but I think that the problem is that you are incompatible gift givers. I had an ex who always spent loads on me, bought lots of thoughtful gifts and expected the equivalent effort/spending from me. I'm more of a 'one smallish thing that I hope they like' kind of person. I found birthdays and Christmas quite stressful with my ex and I know I often missed the mark. I much prefer DH's approach which involves asking me what I would like the day before and if he finds it, I get that. If he doesn't find it, I get a bunch of flowers or dinner. It is a huge relief for me.

Are you married? How long have you cohabited/been married?

Your dh has take advantage of your kindness and of you funding the household. That he not only spends his money on beer and his hobbies, but expects expensive gifts from you is so selfish.
His gift is really a setup for you spending hundreds on him for his birthday. That's horrible. Please don't pay for that. That's even worse than buying the cheapest mug possible from the designer you like.
It's for you to decide now whether these gifts are the final straw.
I only hope you are not married for long so that he isn't able to take too much advantage of you further in a divorce. As you are worth so much more than to stay living / married to him.

Maybe.

I think it was because she was not only accepting so little for herself but also encouraging someone else to accept so little from their partner too. She couldn't see that OP is being treated very badly by this man and considered it normal. That (to me) gives the impression that she could possibly be in a similar dynamic to OP. It wasn't so much as what was said but what was between the lines. Since most of us agree OP is probably in an abusive relationship it actually wasn't that big a leap.

Why would not being in a relationship for ten years make someone a rubbish partner?
Surely it should have the opposite effect, and make someone a grateful, generous and appreciative partner?
If you love someone, treat them with respect and cherish them.

@CellophanicDreams

"Not everything we think is not nice equals abuse and could be an isolated incident"

I thought it was obvious from @tryingtobegrateful's OP this guy has form, i.e. not isolated.

Abuse takes many forms, as we all know.

It's useful to remember that the Freedom Programme is a vital lifeline for people experiencing the horror of domestic violence and abuse, in whichever form.

Shoring up the patriarchy by minimising, even something as seemingly innocuous as shit gift-giving, just perpetuates women accepting fucking crumbs.

The voucher wasn't a gift for you, he's big into bushcraft, and it's for a stay that costs a minimum of £400 at a log cabin - it was something he wanted for himself, and that's even before he told you you can use it to take him there for his birthday. The fucking audacity of this cocklodger is unreal, he's truly shameless. As others have suggested, gift him the £50 back as his birthday gift.

I know you don't want this thread to be about finances, but seriously, this man is using you. All that money he doesn't contribute towards his own living expenses is theft from your own children. Just think of all the overpayments towards paying off your mortgage you could have made if he contributed to his own living expenses. He is stealing from your future mortgage-free self, and also your children's futures.

I sincerely hope you are NOT married to him, I know you haven't clarified, but you called him DH. If you are not married to him, please tell him to leave, he doesn't not require any notice. Do not fall for any more sob stories, this man is a user, plain and simple.

You sound like a truly lovely and kind woman, this man is not a good man, he's a user, a massive user. Him not being violent or a drug user does not make him a good man, he's still a user, a piss taker, a thoughtless bastard.

As for him telling you you should know he's be a shit partner because he was single for 10 years - bullshit. My DH was single for 10 years before we met, in fact, he's never had a girlfriend before, yet he knew how to be a thoughtful man mostly who didn't take the piss, and by the way, I had also separated from a very violent husband when I met DH2, and he did not in anyway use my vulnerability to take the piss or cocklodge. So your waste of space DP/DH is simply full of shit.

If you are actually married to this cocklodger, please get a watertight Will in place asap that leaves everything you have to your children, bar a thousand pounds or so to him, with a letter explaining why. You need to make sure if you die young or before him that he doesn't steal get everything you've ever worked for from your children. I'd also start the separation and divorce proceedings as a matter of urgency, as you want to make sure he walks away with as little of your home and money as possible. Make sure you get a really good solicitor who fights for you, the man has lived for free off you for years, that was his divorce payoff advance.

Cough, cough, COCKLODGER, cough cough.

Wow that was a lot to read from that post. I didn't see it as encouraging to accept it.
I do find it interesting how some very non descriptive posts end up so analysed with no grounds to suspect such detail.
But then I remember this is mumsnet and every issue results in a LTB. I just find abuse as someone who has experienced it years ago is such a serious thing that simply not buying someone a gift doesn't equate to abuse.
The OP has a lot more going on that shows she's well being taken advantage of. The other contribution was just that and nothing about it would make me think otherwise. Assumptions can be damaging.

Anyway I do think it was an OTT reach and even your explanation shows how much you had to make up about the situation and the individual to get there.

I'll not contribute further as the poster was clearly upset about that suggestion and I'm not going to join you and the other poster in telling them how to feel.
Sometimes there is no hidden meaning behind posters contributing to others threads but some here are desperate to make something out of nothing and it can hurt those the assumptions are made about...

Just something to think about even though I'm sure it won't stop you doing so in future. All it points out to me is that you are experiencing something in your life you have to project on to others situations to show it's not just you in that space... See I can assume too! Could be right could be wrong but I can come to the same conclusion about your post on it as you did.

Hope your day gets better 😀

You obviously don't understand all aspects of abuse then shrugs

Oh OP you've gone from one horribly abusive relationship to another - all be it a much more subtle one. He is using and financially abusing you, he doesn't care or think about what you want, he just does what he reckons.

When he tells you he's a rubbish partner then you need to believe him. It is not up to you to try to rehabilitate him into a decent partner.

Would you want your children to grow up to be like him? Would you want your children to grow up to be in a relationship with someone like him? If the answer is not a resounding yes then he is not good enough for your family.

Don't fall for his pathetic sob stories again, get angry that he is completely taking the piss out of you. Don't be ok with him being a cocklodger. End this relationship, work on your self esteem so you don't end up in another relationship that is abusive in another way and concentrate on yourself and your children.

They deserve better that this for a male role model.