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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
HorseyWoman · 11/01/2026 17:31

Ensnared · 11/01/2026 17:25

I bought my partner a sack full of gifts and also bought for his kids (not my kids but I have kids I bought for too) and I got not one thing from him.
So I think anything would have been better than nothing.
Like they're not great presents but I bet you'd be more upset if you got the same haul I did.

Your partner and OP's partner are both in the useless ranks. Hers doesn't pay for bills or food in HER house either. He is a cocklodger.

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 17:31

Ensnared · 11/01/2026 17:25

I bought my partner a sack full of gifts and also bought for his kids (not my kids but I have kids I bought for too) and I got not one thing from him.
So I think anything would have been better than nothing.
Like they're not great presents but I bet you'd be more upset if you got the same haul I did.

I’m so sorry, that is RUBBISH.

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 17:32

Ensnared · 11/01/2026 17:25

I bought my partner a sack full of gifts and also bought for his kids (not my kids but I have kids I bought for too) and I got not one thing from him.
So I think anything would have been better than nothing.
Like they're not great presents but I bet you'd be more upset if you got the same haul I did.

No, it's not a race to the bottom. My question to you though is are you going to stay with your useless, uncaring, disrespectful, unloving and mean "partner"? Or is he better than nothing?

Eviebeans · 11/01/2026 17:32

Fitzcarraldo353 · 11/01/2026 12:03

The voucher for an overnight stay that you need to add £350 to to actually use is completely taking the piss. To then suggest you both use it for HIS birthday is next level Cheeky fuckery and I'd honestly tell him so.

Edited

True

Ithinkthisisthelasttime · 11/01/2026 17:35

My DH has previously been a shit gift giver. The first couple of years I pretended to ike things ect. Then one year talking to work friends someone said if you do not tell him you are in for a lifetime of this. That really made me think. From then on, I did not fake happiness and I would openly tell him. I would also tell him how his lack of thought made me feel. This has meant over the years things have improved significantly. My DH was a neglected child and has no real example of gift giving before me which is why I was willing to pretend. We worked together and found ways that work for us. He still sometimes gets things wrong but I can always see where he was coming from and the thought behind it.

Your partner sounds like a selfish dick. He may earn less than you but with no real financial responsibilities he probably has more disposable income than you.

You deserve better! If I was you I would either take a friend/child to the hotel, give the voucher away or sell it. Do not use it for his birthday, what a cheeky thing to say.

Could it be worth contacting the mug seller and asking if you could exchange and pay the difference for a mug you will actually want.

Plmnki · 11/01/2026 17:35

He’s a cocklodger and sounds unpleasant and pointless in pretty much every way. Get rid and use the time and money on doing things to improve your life and your self esteem. You deserve SO MUCH MORE than this oxygen thief.

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 17:36

OchonAgusOchonOh · 11/01/2026 17:28

I don't think she's said if she's married or not. I am assuming yes given she refers to him as dh rather than dp but I really hope she's not.

I hope not too but in addition to the repeated use of DH, she also referred to her “previous marriage” which implies this guy is current marriage.

ReadingTime · 11/01/2026 17:37

OMG I'm so sorry he's taking you for an absolute mug.

You and your kids don't need this chancer leaching your time, energy, love and money away from you and them where it belongs.

Soulhorse · 11/01/2026 17:41

OP, as you work for the NHS there should be access to free/cheap counselling services. Please, please contact them and work on your self esteem. Urgently.

NoMumLeftBehindLiz · 11/01/2026 17:41

My guess is (from the Lego and the collecting) he has autistic traits. Which may mean that he thinks about gifts in a very different way to NT people. He may think about what he would like to receive (the table with the photos) and what the best value for money is (the cheapest mug from the maker you liked) and find it quite difficult to understand why others wouldn’t think the same way.
Thats not to say you just have to put up and shut up, I left my ND partner because he was impossible to be in a relationship with, controlling and abusive.

However, the gift giving on its own, may not be a lack of thought but just a different kind of thought. If this is the only issue you were facing I would suggest you agree a different approach to gifts in future (no gifts but each spend a specific amount on yourself, a list of specific gifts you would like etc).

Allisnotlost1 · 11/01/2026 17:44

Ensnared · 11/01/2026 17:25

I bought my partner a sack full of gifts and also bought for his kids (not my kids but I have kids I bought for too) and I got not one thing from him.
So I think anything would have been better than nothing.
Like they're not great presents but I bet you'd be more upset if you got the same haul I did.

You and OP need to raise the bar. It’s not that anyone has to but loads of presents, but that in both your households there’s complete inequity. That sucks, I hope both of you find your worth and get rid of these burdens dressed as men.

IAmKerplunk · 11/01/2026 17:46

Did he buy your dc anything for Christmas? At all?

Wyksister · 11/01/2026 17:46

Tell him that it’s a great idea to use the voucher for his birthday and let him pay the balance

then walk away from this pathetic man child

GloriaMonday · 11/01/2026 17:49

IAmKerplunk · 11/01/2026 17:46

Did he buy your dc anything for Christmas? At all?

OP paid for the presents. Her DC are his stepkids.

bcski · 11/01/2026 17:51

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

What? He isn't even paying towards rent and bills? He's a cocklodger.

You say you are happy with arrangement and you don't want this to sidetrack the thread. It's a major issue. The lack of respect he shows by buying shitty presents with little to no effort is just one part of the complete lack of respect he shows by hanging around your house and not paying his way.
It's disgusting.

Why are you putting up with this?
Why are you buying presents for his family? He can do that with all the money is saving.
Why are you showering him with gifts like expensive lego when he's a piece of shit who won't even pay towards bills?

I think you need to think about why you are prepared to accept this treatment from him and you're "happy" with the financial arrangements.
I can understand you not wanting to make him split bills 50:50 because you have children living there but he should be contributing something towards the household.

TessSaysYes · 11/01/2026 17:52

So his present to you is a quarter of his own share of the hotel cost. You pay for the rest of his stay. And then to you pay for your own!
I'd bin it. 🤣

Bigcat25 · 11/01/2026 17:53

Let's not blame ND on poor gift giving. It's easy to send a list of ideas to partners if they struggle or you want something specific.

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 17:57

NoMumLeftBehindLiz · 11/01/2026 17:41

My guess is (from the Lego and the collecting) he has autistic traits. Which may mean that he thinks about gifts in a very different way to NT people. He may think about what he would like to receive (the table with the photos) and what the best value for money is (the cheapest mug from the maker you liked) and find it quite difficult to understand why others wouldn’t think the same way.
Thats not to say you just have to put up and shut up, I left my ND partner because he was impossible to be in a relationship with, controlling and abusive.

However, the gift giving on its own, may not be a lack of thought but just a different kind of thought. If this is the only issue you were facing I would suggest you agree a different approach to gifts in future (no gifts but each spend a specific amount on yourself, a list of specific gifts you would like etc).

Try reading ALL of OPs posts before commenting. It's really not that difficult as MN have even provided a clickable link in her first post.

And fuck off with the is he autistic crap 🙄

NewGoldFox · 11/01/2026 17:58

You’re trying to be grateful for paying for his parents gifts, an extravagant gift for him and receiving something to contribute to yet another gift for him.
The finances are so unfair, you have yourself a well entrenched cock lodger, dislodge him or change the set up.

Ensnared · 11/01/2026 17:58

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 17:32

No, it's not a race to the bottom. My question to you though is are you going to stay with your useless, uncaring, disrespectful, unloving and mean "partner"? Or is he better than nothing?

Never intended it to be a race but your response is unnecessary and kinda hurtful taking a dig at me. Regardless how you meant it that's how it has fallen so I won't be engaging with you further. Sorry.

SugarCoatSandwich · 11/01/2026 18:01

Bushcraft 🤮

So he can survive in the wild but can't possibly expect himself to be less than a rubbish partner..?

He is literally telling you he can't be arsed with putting effort into a relationship or spending £50 on something you want foe Christmas instead of something he wants for his birthday.

Kindly, wake the fuck up.

MartinBishopsbum · 11/01/2026 18:03

A grown man wanting Lego ...dear God, I would lose any attraction to him

Shakeyshakeyshake · 11/01/2026 18:04

TheatreTheatre · 11/01/2026 12:17

I would spell it out directly. E.g: “so let’s get this right, you give me £50 off a £400 spend for your birthday?

I think I will give you a £50 voucher for the same place for your birthday and then we can pay the balance between us”

Give him the voucher as his birthday present and say you said you wanted to go … see what he says then!

CF is all he is

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 18:07

Ensnared · 11/01/2026 17:58

Never intended it to be a race but your response is unnecessary and kinda hurtful taking a dig at me. Regardless how you meant it that's how it has fallen so I won't be engaging with you further. Sorry.

You don't need to respond but I really do think you need to look closer at your own relationship. Even with your own words/view it's not coming across as a good one. The Freedom Programme can be a good place to start or look at individual counselling to find out why you think you don't deserve any better Flowers

Edit - yes I was a bit flippant with my post but I thought you were being flippant regarding OPs relationship. Apparently not if you genuinely thought OP should suck it up.

Ensnared · 11/01/2026 18:15

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 18:07

You don't need to respond but I really do think you need to look closer at your own relationship. Even with your own words/view it's not coming across as a good one. The Freedom Programme can be a good place to start or look at individual counselling to find out why you think you don't deserve any better Flowers

Edit - yes I was a bit flippant with my post but I thought you were being flippant regarding OPs relationship. Apparently not if you genuinely thought OP should suck it up.

Edited

Wow
He didn't buy me gifts so you have jumped to he's abusive and I need to seek help to leave?!

Your leap to assume exactly the dynamics of my relationship to such extent is rude and dangerous to be telling someone to seek unnecessary help that should be reserved for actual abuse victims.

I stated he didn't get me gifts. I said nothing more about how he contributes or treats me at all.
This is an incredible and dangerous assumption and it's extremely offensive especially to anyone actually experiencing abuse.

So please let it go you are so far off the mark here. Fancy valuing being bought gifts so highly that you consider it abuse to the point help is needed to leave and destroy a life I'm actually happy in... After my previous relationship, which you also have no idea about, I think I'm old enough to know what is right for me.

Sure it would have been nice.. It isn't the end of the world for me though. And I got his kids gifts because he leaves it until the last minute then can't work out what to get he's dreadful at actually getting gifts so I did it to save the stress the day before, but that doesn't make him an inherently bad person. We're all bad at something in life, yours could be jumping to conclusions resulting in bad advice.