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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
QueenBambi · 11/01/2026 16:54

I'd give up on the buying gifts thing. Why don't you just agree not to bother this Christmas and do something nice together instead?

Silvertulips · 11/01/2026 17:00

I’d use the £50 voucher as your part of the stay - he can find the rest or fuck off!!

You need to ‘do better’ you find a life style for him that your kids could benefit from.

You are taking away from their childhood.

Get rid! My first ever LTB

BootMaker · 11/01/2026 17:01

Oh OP, you've done what many women who've had a violent and abusive previous relationship do, which is fall for a loser, but, 'at least he's not a violent Coke head'.

Well, yes, and that's pretty much the best thing you can say about him.

It seems like he brings sod-all to your life. You'd be much happier without him (or indeed any other man until you work on your self worth).

SailingIntoSunset · 11/01/2026 17:02

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

It’s impossible to overlook this new information. You have a much bigger problem than a tight gift giver.

SailingIntoSunset · 11/01/2026 17:04

QueenBambi · 11/01/2026 16:54

I'd give up on the buying gifts thing. Why don't you just agree not to bother this Christmas and do something nice together instead?

I hope she’s well rid of him by Christmas.

OVienna · 11/01/2026 17:05

First poster nailed it.

Find out when the voucher needs to be used and tell him he can start saving for the rest of the amount required to cover the full cost.

That is BEYOND a joke. He should be ashamed of himself in the first place but then suggesting it is used for HIS birthday is the icing on the cake (not.)

Can you not just ask him outright what on earth he was thinking?!

Tryagain26 · 11/01/2026 17:06

I agree he made some odd choices but I wouldn't call them all completely thoughtless
I think the mug idea was thoughtful he noted that you liked the potter and bought one he could afford. Perhaps he didn't realise that you only liked the ones costing £50 . Presumably the one he got you was still fairly expensive. The ring was also thoughtful because he knew you were upset about losing the one you had and you love it.
He has also put some effort into the vintage map and postcards. It's odd though that he didn't pick up your total lack of interest in the table idea.
The voucher is the most odd especially suggesting you use it for his birthday.

Coconutter24 · 11/01/2026 17:06

Why are you buying gifts for his family? You’ve had to buy your own family, children and his plus paying all the house bills. The fact he let you pay for those gifts says a lot about him and that’s before you even think about the fact he’s living with you for free!!
As for the voucher I’d be taking a friend, family member anyone but him. I’d also start spending less on gifts for him. I know it’s not about value of a gift but when someone is clearly taking the piss out of you it’s ok to spend less

YourBrightZebra · 11/01/2026 17:07

You deserve so much better. Read that again and believe it.

MuyPuy · 11/01/2026 17:08

RTFT @Tryagain26 things have moved on

Rhubarb24 · 11/01/2026 17:14

Are you married?

Do you own your house??

ifIwerenotanandroid · 11/01/2026 17:16

TheatreTheatre · 11/01/2026 12:17

I would spell it out directly. E.g: “so let’s get this right, you give me £50 off a £400 spend for your birthday?

I think I will give you a £50 voucher for the same place for your birthday and then we can pay the balance between us”

Surely he should pay the rest of the cost, if he wants it for his birthday - in fact, he should pay the full cost by giving you £50 in exchange for the voucher, & then you can buy yourself the mug you really want. Then get rid of him.

3luckystars · 11/01/2026 17:17

Rhubarb24 · 11/01/2026 17:14

Are you married?

Do you own your house??

I would like to know this too.

NewYearSameYou · 11/01/2026 17:18

Oh wow.

I'd be getting rid of him after reading all your posts. He is completely taking advantage of you and doing the bare minimum to stay under your roof where you provide everything, including shopping for his extended family! What the fuck?"

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 17:18

3luckystars · 11/01/2026 17:17

I would like to know this too.

Then read her subsequent posts.

Bigcat25 · 11/01/2026 17:18

HorseyWoman · 11/01/2026 16:50

He lives in your home and doesn't pay rent or utility costs? Ewww! Even my teenager is planning her life and telling me she wants to pay rent when she gets her first full time job.

As someone who also has a previous abusive relationship with my children's dad; who also has 2 children; who also has my own home and pays my own bills: my partner wouldn't DREAM of accepting staying in my home without contributing. He recently stayed for 4 months as he allowed my friend and her DD to stay in his place while she completes on a purchase. I didn't want him to pay bills as such, but he did things like buying the food, paying for day trips and meals out, funding presents, fuel in the cars, and I just had a big MOT bill which we have fallen out over because he paid it behind my back and I am too proud to allow that kind of thing. He had offered and I declined, so he called them and paid before I collected the car. He's got a provider mindset, and that's the kind of man who puts effort and love into choosing gifts for their partner, regardless of how low the budget. That's why your gifts are so shit: no love or thought there.

I note you've had other issues. It would be interesting to know what. And also how long together. But I would be inclined to throw the entire man out.

He doesn't even pay for his food! Why on earth is op paying for his parents and his nieces and nephews gifts? This isn't a criticism of op who sounds lovely and awesome, but her bf is completely shameless and basically a thief.

Op, did he ask you to buy his families gifts or did you offer? Just wondering how this started. Anyone living with you should pay for their food and utilities, plus extra.

HorseyWoman · 11/01/2026 17:21

Bigcat25 · 11/01/2026 17:18

He doesn't even pay for his food! Why on earth is op paying for his parents and his nieces and nephews gifts? This isn't a criticism of op who sounds lovely and awesome, but her bf is completely shameless and basically a thief.

Op, did he ask you to buy his families gifts or did you offer? Just wondering how this started. Anyone living with you should pay for their food and utilities, plus extra.

Exactly my point! He doesn't pay for anything in the home at all.

OP, you're being short changed and that is putting it mildly. If you're Band 5 NHS and he earns less than you, but finds money for hobbies and beer, then he frankly needs to find a higher paying job or a 2nd job so that he can afford his lifestyle as well as paying his way. Personally I would just send him back to his mummy.

CremeCarmel · 11/01/2026 17:24

Squeeky112 · 11/01/2026 12:06

That is well cheeky. But me and my DH don't buy each other presents AT ALL for christmas, birthday, anniversary etc - so much less stress, we both support it,, and buy things we need/want when we need them. None of these issues arise.

This is such a good idea. My family only used to buy for children who are now grown up so just buy each other token gifts or make things. Even so I don’t think anyone would give a voucher that is only viable if you spend another £350. That isn’t just thoughtless it is borderline cruel.

Ensnared · 11/01/2026 17:25

I bought my partner a sack full of gifts and also bought for his kids (not my kids but I have kids I bought for too) and I got not one thing from him.
So I think anything would have been better than nothing.
Like they're not great presents but I bet you'd be more upset if you got the same haul I did.

Pennyfan · 11/01/2026 17:28

Sorry OP but me and dh were actually laughing in horror-I would’ve definitely said something if my dh got me that. That’s totally out of order-at the least he could’ve got you both an overnight stay somewhere. Or told you not to worry about an expensive present for him.

Lou2026 · 11/01/2026 17:28

I would be using the £50 voucher on his birthday weekend, alone whilst researching my upcoming divorce.

He sounds horrid. A grown man playing lego, buying his Mum wife the bare minimum. No.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 11/01/2026 17:28

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 17:18

Then read her subsequent posts.

I don't think she's said if she's married or not. I am assuming yes given she refers to him as dh rather than dp but I really hope she's not.

CremeCarmel · 11/01/2026 17:29

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

You really shouldn’t be okay with this arrangement as it is costing you thousands. It is like pouring thousands of pounds into him each year. Very few people are privileged enough to live rent free. He is a cheap, stingey cocklodger. After everything you do for him he couldn’t even get you nice Christmas presents. What a loser.

SevenYellowHammers · 11/01/2026 17:30

He collects knives . I’d find that the biggest thing to worry about tbh.

Summerhut2025 · 11/01/2026 17:30

Everyone telling you to leave him OP as we do on MN but I get that isn’t easy, particularly if you love him.

First of all my suggestion is to look at all your bills and work out what his share of them all should be.

Sit him down and tell him you want to have a chat to iron a few things out which are really bothering you.

Start with the voucher, ask him did he get this for you expecting you to fork out the additional £350 to use it. Ask him to explain himself and his thinking behind it and how it’s made you feel.

The mug - tell him you understand he didn’t feel £50 was worth it for the one you want but you don’t feel paying £££ for Lego is worth it but you still bought him it as you love him and that’s what he wanted. Ask him why he couldn’t afford the £50 when he pays nothing towards the home he lives in and you were paying for his families Christmas presents also.

The table - tell him you appreciate the thought but that you both know it won’t transpire so let’s just knock it on the head.

The ring - say well done you really love it (credit where credit is due and it will keep the conversation calm and safe hopefully).

Then you need to say, this is the important part. Show him a list of the monthly bills that you pay and tell him that it is no longer acceptable for him to live in your home for free and show him the figure you want him to pay. Say if you’re unable to or won’t pay he needs to make arrangements asap to move out and you can carry on with your relationship living in separate homes again. Again this will hopefully keep you safe by not ending it there and then. You never know you may be able to continue with the relationship living separately if you still love him.
But he has to know he either pays his way moving forward or you can’t live together.

He’ll agree to pay as he knows it will cost him more to leave. Hopefully he’ll realise he isn’t going to get away with treating you like shit anymore. And next September if you’re still with him tell him you’re giving him plenty of warning that you aren’t paying for his families Christmas presents this year, that’s his job.

good luck OP hope you get it all sorted.