A gift that I need to pay to use?

[tryingtobegrateful]

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

If you want to continue with the relationship and are happy to go for the two night stay, I would be inclined to say to him 'that's a great idea about booking it for the week of your birthday, I'll email the voucher over to you and you can book it up for us!' Then you can question it if he wants you to pay the balance. Perhaps say you can't afford to contribute as you are paying all the household bills on your own.

This.

having been divorced 5 years and single the entire time I get ever so lonely and imagine having a lovely partner then I read nonsense like this and be thankful I’m single. Get rid OP what a piss taker.

You haven't bothered reading all of the OP posts, have you?

And its minimising responses like this that keep women in shit relationships with dreadful men. Because when they finally get up the wherewithall to try to talk about what is going on and whether it is ok, people like you respond like this and they go back to thinking that they must be the problem and aren't being kind and understanding enough of the poor man. .

The voucher is money completely wasted if you don't visit this particular place and pay the rest. If it's a place you're sure to go, it's not much of a present (unless you'd specifically asked for it), and if it's not I'd be looking for an explanation. Is it a place HE wants to go, but would never pay for? Either way, it should be completely up to you how you use the voucher; he should be prepared for you to go solo or with a friend. Overall, he's have been far better off giving you £50 in a homemade card.

The comments on choosing the mug might have been fine if he'd randomly bought you a mug because you needed one, but in the context of a Christmas gift they are flat out rude and unnecessary.

The ring sounds nice.

The table thingy is fine but nothing to do with Christmas.

More than the specific gifts, it strikes me that the way he talks to you is thoughtless, and the way he absolves himself of any criticism because you "knew he'd be crap" seems at best childish and at worst borderline DARVO.

I'd revisit leaving him as it seems that there's no significant hope for discussion, compromise, and change.

Dude, this is insane. He pays NOTHING towards the household costs? Congratulations, you got yourself another child! When my now DH moved in with me he paid 1/3 of all bills and I paid 2/3 because I have a DS. It's insane that you don't expect him to pay a penny!

I was really good at buying gifts (even though DH never hinted much) but DH is so crap we don't even bother anymore. He isn't mean (the opposite) just utterly hopeless and I have to admit that I am a major pain in the ass to buy for. Life is so much better now we just fill a stocking each on Christmas Eve with whatever we have bought ourselves recently (or is lying round the house) so the DCs don't think we hate each other 😀
I was going to say that next year he gets a Mulberry handbag to admire dangling from your arm but then I read "I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story".
So now I think you should hand him a voucher for £50 for a Premier Inn, pack his bags and change the locks. No need to wait for Christmas. No need to buy the voucher either - just give him back the one he gave you (and sell the Lego on Ebay).

Hand the £50 voucher back. It can go towards his first night alone when you kick him out. You sound so thoughtful and lovely. Please don't waste another penny on this arse of a man.

He doesn’t like you much, does he? Looks like he put a bit of thought into getting you stuff that’s going to make you feel like you do…and then play the..you're ungrateful, greedy, or unreasonable card

Don’t fall for any more sob stories. Move him out now.

And while you’re happy with your financial arrangement, he is eating for free, no rent, no electricity costs, so he’s a freeloader who can’t even give you one decent gift at Christmas. He is taking the pee, and I really don’t why you are with him…you even pay for gifts for his family, but he gets nothing for yours,.
and I thought I was walked over.

Don't have much to say other than you deserve so much better than him.

You're subsidising him, instead of using your money for your children or yourself.

People are going to comment because your whole set up seems unhealthy.

DH and I were in the Body Shop in November and I said ‘wow’ about the large advent calendar there. £120. My dh obviously took that one word to mean that I wanted it. He not only bought it and presented it to me on 1st December, but then informed me it was my Xmas present, despite us discussing and each giving the other ideas back in October, to which I stuck to, but clearly he didn’t. Problem is with the Body Shop calendar, and which I knew would be the case when I saw it, is that behind most of the doors products were either duplicated or contained products I will never ever use. Always the case with these beauty advent calendars. Needless to say I now have 4 hand creams and three lip balms and shampoo and conditioner I won’t use because it’s not for my hair type. Some nice vitamin E cream though. I was totally pissed off, but majority consensus from family was that I’m totally ungrateful and what a lovely gift it is. I agree OP, totally thoughtless gifts there, and from talking to friends it seems majority have to actually tell their partners exactly what they want buying, or they can end up with totally random crazy gift choices.

Cut your losses OP. I’d be embarrassed not to contribute over a weekend, that he does it full time is outrageous. You sound like a lovely generous person. Direct your generosity where it’s deserved and appreciated.

With regard to the voucher, I wouldn't entertain that for a hot second. Suggest you take advantage of his suggestion about putting it towards his birthday weekend to give it back to him saying that it sounds as though it will work better as a gift to himself rather than a gift for you. Don't contribute to any weekend away with him. He's living with you basically for free! He can pay for his own weekend away.

But really, the whole setup sounds as though he's just living off you like a parasite. Could you reassign any money you might have contributed towards presents for him and his family in future towards therapy to help you reflect on what he brings to your life that's genuinely of value to your wellbeing?

I opened the thread thinking it would be something like a device that needed a software subscription, or even a battery! - but no.

The really annoying thing is that it's a gift that you need to pay to use... for HIS birthday! What a blooming cheek!

If you say things are a bit crap in other ways too, then I'm glad this has been the straw that broke the camel's back OP. Hope you can ease your way out of this unbalanced relationship. I'm sure you'll enjoy 2026 a lot more if you can use the £££ you'd normally spend on him to treat yourself to various things you enjoy.

I haven’t RTFT as I came to it late, so I just answered the OP at face value. 🤷‍♀️

Is the voucher through an 'experience' voucher company like buyagift or virgin? If so, you can usually swap for another experience - so you could swap it for a massage which costs £50 (and definitely not use it to stay at the lodge for his birthday.)

He’s a cocklodger and CF. I can’t believe you buy his family’s presents and that he lives rent free! You need to harden up and ditch him and work on your self esteem - have a year or 2 without a partner.

You don't need to read the full thread - you can just select to show just the OP's posts.

But even if you had only read the first post, a man who gives a £50 voucher (that there is a good chance he got as a free promo btw) for a £400 hotel cost that he wants used on his birthday, and the cheapest mug he could buy from a stall holder, and some paper photo print outs as a gift, when he asked for a lego set worth hundreds for his gift, is clearly a grabby cheap piss taking bastard and not someone who is 'just bad a gifts'.

So my previous post to you stands.

One of the most blatant cocklodger examples I have ever seen. And hes not even pretending.

Your kids probably hate him.

He lives in your home and doesn't pay rent or utility costs? Ewww! Even my teenager is planning her life and telling me she wants to pay rent when she gets her first full time job.

As someone who also has a previous abusive relationship with my children's dad; who also has 2 children; who also has my own home and pays my own bills: my partner wouldn't DREAM of accepting staying in my home without contributing. He recently stayed for 4 months as he allowed my friend and her DD to stay in his place while she completes on a purchase. I didn't want him to pay bills as such, but he did things like buying the food, paying for day trips and meals out, funding presents, fuel in the cars, and I just had a big MOT bill which we have fallen out over because he paid it behind my back and I am too proud to allow that kind of thing. He had offered and I declined, so he called them and paid before I collected the car. He's got a provider mindset, and that's the kind of man who puts effort and love into choosing gifts for their partner, regardless of how low the budget. That's why your gifts are so shit: no love or thought there.

I note you've had other issues. It would be interesting to know what. And also how long together. But I would be inclined to throw the entire man out.

@Ohpleeeease , there were 100s of replies by the time you posted.

Those would be for a complete stay though. I think this voucher was a freebie honestly..