A gift that I need to pay to use?

[tryingtobegrateful]

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

Re-gift the voucher back to him, then he’ll have somewhere to stay when you kick him out.

You and your children deserve so much better than him.

Plus a voucher of £50 that can only be used on a £400 plus spend sounds like something he found off an internet site.

It is very unlikely that he actually paid out £50 for it.

A cocklodger with fetishes for Lego and knives.......

Weird cheap creep 😦

Is he paying the extra £350 for the weekend away? If not id be telling him he is now!
Cheeky git , i dont think hes put any real thought into any of these gifts it all sounds very last minute rush as hes left it till the day before
I can understand you feeling downhearted about it.

Im usually the same at christmas i usually get a load of tat i dont want or need but the hubby surprised me this year with some lovely gifts that i did want and did need
This is our 12th christmas together and the first one hes actually listened to what i would like and hes gone out and found me it without me asking for a specific one he got it right ( even the right size and colour)
There is hope! Talk to him and tell him how you feel, and also that you wont be paying £350 to use you christmas voucher

Oh OP. it's clear as day, he just doesn't care. He's got a good thing going living with you, but this isn't a partnership, it's barely a relationship.

He could have spent the same amount of money on the ring, the mug you actually wanted and some nice chocolates or flowers. But he chose not to.

He's costing you money. I get it's your house, but he should contribute to what he's costing. If it was just you and your kids, you'd get a council tax discount, plus that's another adults worth of showers, phone charging plus food. He's taking advantage and he's not giving back in other ways.

He won't change - he's effectively told you that. Is this the relationship you want to model to your kids? (That was the wake up call for me, realising if I saw my daughter in a similar relationship to mine, I'd be telling her its OK to end it).

Thoughtless, lazy gifts 🚩
Collects knives 🚩
Let’s you buy gifts for his family 🚩
Expects you to take him away for his birthday despite contributing apparently nothing to day to day life 🚩

Run.

I'd regift the voucher to him for his birthday (and he can pay the difference if he wants to stay there just as he expected you to do) and I would then spend whatever you would have spent on his birthday on treats for myself.

And I would certainly never buy gifts for his family, and if they end up with no gifts tell them 'DH couldn't be arsed/ is too tight to bother.'

Meanness is a very unnattractive trait (and it is meanness of spirit I'm referring to because you can be very generous and thoughtful without spending much money. He seems to take pride in being cheap and telling you he doesn't want to spend any money on you.) It's fine not to have much to spend but you can arrange a lovely day out that costs very little, fish and chips on the beach, a picnic in the park, etc etc are far nicer than a hotel voucher you can't use.

Any grown man that wants a Lego set for Christmas would give me the massive Ick. 🚩

lazy unimaginative presents for you - kick him to the curb , why prolong the agony 🚩

You got this all wrong…you won’t be ‘leaving’ him…,,you will be be telling the wanker to get the fuck out of your home…….what are you teaching your kids here about relationships….that’s it’s fine for a woman to stay in a relationship like yours…..boys or girls, you are a poor role model for them….act now o

Come on now know your worth , think of your children and get rid of this idiot. Surely you cannot think any of this is right so many red flags . New year new start get rid ,do some work on your self esteem and dont move any more freeloading men into your home9

Oh op, your updates are just making it worse and worse. Agree with the above, It’s time to call it quits, and consider working on your self esteem that caused you to fall for this loser (no judgement, been there, these men seem to smell vulnerability).

It is her fault for accepting and tolerating his shit behaviour - especially given her updates. He's right, she knew he'd be a shit partner (he actually told her that he would) but she moved him in anyway.

I'm so sorry to read this OP. He sounds like a 15 year old Incel. He's a drain on your resources, he's openly mean to you and is absolutely taking you for an epic mug. Please give yourself the precious gift of freedom from this leach. Out to fuck.

I would give him a £50 voucher for the same hotel and say “now you can book your break away!”

Have you actually showed him that you cannot use the £50 voucher without paying a further £350? If yes, that's for him to pay - why would you pay for your own present? That's not a present. Especially as he's told you he can use it for his own birthday!!!
And why the hell are you letting him live in your house and not pay any expenses?! He's absolutely taking you for a fool. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but that's disgusting. How would you feel if your child was in the same position?

Give yourself the gift of ditching him he didn't put any thought into your gifts

I think he did try, OP, but he's a bit rubbish at present giving. To be honest you both give more than DH and me.

The voucher is a bust, don't be pushed into using it. Could you see if it's refundable or transferable in any way that is useful?

Tell him honestly that the coffee table isn't your taste, if that's the case. He can save himself a lot of time and effort by assembling the cards, map etc into an IKEA frame.

Go back to the craft stall with your OH and see if she will exchange your plain mug for a more expensive one that you love, then use it every day so he can see that paying more sometimes IS worth it.

The ring was a success, take that.

I don't think you can make your partner a more thoughtful giver of gifts if it isn't in him, so you either need to give him a specific wish list or reconcile yourself to duff presents. But you should also manage his expectations about what you'll be giving him for his next birthday.

Put your dc first op. On a band 5 salary you are financially supporting another adult, why would you do this?

Forget lego <>, gift vouchers etc and focus on the fact he is using you. Get rid amd spend your hard earned salary on you and your kids.

Just to add, I know how much time those big Lego kits take to build. If he’s finished his already that means he’s invested hours of time since Christmas completing his model. What have you done in the same amount of time?
Worked your socks off at work and at home, I bet.
This isn’t a partnership.

He pays for his own phone contract and car insurance!? What a trooper!! He’s living the life of a 19 year old lad living off his parents.

I have read all your updates in this post and the least he should be doing is contributing towards, food, gas/electric, water, netflix, sky or any other shared subscriptions. Why are you paying for everything especially when you are hardly swimming in cash?! His presents are thoughtless and totally rubbish. You should say you want to go to the log cabin but expect him to cough up the rest as otherwise it is hardly a gift. If not, tell him to sort a refund and give you the £50 in cash, atleast you can buy something you like. And tell him he needs to pull his socks up and put in some effort or he is out.

He must be saving an absolute fortune! He’s a total cock lodger! He’s using the utilities and you won’t be getting single person discount on council tax now he’s moved in and you actually feed him for free as well! He can’t live somewhere rent free. Although my partners name isn’t on my mortgage he still pays me half of it (it’s not huge) that’s basically his rent for living in my home and then half of the council tax and internet and all utility bills plus a contribution to the weekly food shop. Yeah he doesn’t have to pay towards your kids but you’re just paying for another kid to live in your home totally free. Please fix this OP he must be laughing behind his back living with you for free and then he has the cheek to pull that horrendous voucher christmas stunt on you, I’m astounded and flabbergasted. Tell him to shape up, pay up or ship out asap please. Some men are just totally useless and unbelievable, you’re a professional hardworking woman you deserve so much better.

He's a cheap bastard.

Oh darling. I think you know this is not good enough for you. Even your username hints at this. I know it is referring to the gratitude for the shite gifts, but subconsciously you feel a bit grateful he is with you. But why should you be grateful for a man who makes you feel like this. I think perhaps the most helpful suggestion I can give is to imagine how you would feel if this were your daughter's life. What would you advise her? Would it be good enough for her? I wish you well x

I would give the voucher back to him. Tell him you don’t want it as don’t want to spend £350 + on a hotel. Tell him if he wants to do that to celebrate his birthday he can book and pay for it!

Can you return the mug and put the money it cost towards a nicer one?

And in future massively scale down what you spend on him.

Id also give him back the postcards etc.

All sounds rubbish to me except the ring, if you love it.

Edit - But actually, having read your update, I would move him out again. I wouldn’t move a man into my kids’ home anyway though.