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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
Glindaa · 11/01/2026 15:07

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'

id seriously just get rid of him. Being single is better than accepting this scrap of a man.

At least then you have a chance to meet someone better . You deserve someone who matches your warmth , kindness and generosity . You don’t deserve to put up with him.

extrasushiplease · 11/01/2026 15:08

I wish you the best of luck in building up your self-esteem and leaving him very soon. Whenever you falter, remind yourself that he's a grown man who can (SHOULD) be able to take care of himself, but your children need a mom who will set a great example about protecting yourself.

SapphOhNo · 11/01/2026 15:09

I'm sorry your previous relationship has given you such a low bar but please aim higher.

Surely being single is better than this?

Shorten · 11/01/2026 15:09

To be honest with you, I think you’re conflating multiple things at once and it all boils down to this guy not being the right one for you and you feeling taken advantage of.

Nevereatcardboard · 11/01/2026 15:12

Are you actually married? If so, he could still be entitled to gaining part of your home if you divorce. The quicker you can get legal advice the better.

If you’re not married you can ask him to leave and not fall for any sob stories this time. He’s lazy, selfish and mean with money. I think you and your children deserve so much better than this.

ScholesPanda · 11/01/2026 15:13

'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner's. Well that's alright then. I'll try that at work 'you knew I'd be a rubbish employee'.

He sounds like a cocklodger. You can do so much better, get rid pronto.

Malcthecat · 11/01/2026 15:14

How about seeing if the craft stall will swap a mug for the voucher. You could add the boring mug to the deal.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/01/2026 15:15

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

Why on earth isn't he contributing to bills and food? I presume that he eats meals and uses all the facilities of your home.

He is just a selfish free-loader who is taking massive advantage of you. You are subsidising him and his lifestyle when you could be spending the money on your children or putting it into savings for them.

He must have loads of spare cash if he isn't paying for anything but he was mean and thoughtless with your gifts.

I really can't understand what you see in him. You'd be much better off without him.

SBGM247 · 11/01/2026 15:15

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 15:07

Because it’s her second marriage, and during her first marriage the joint finances were abused. I can see why she’s trying to protect herself from a repeat of that.

What I can’t understand is why having separate finances means him not contributing to household bills and expenses.

Oh that makes sense. I agree.

PebbleDashAtOne · 11/01/2026 15:15

He’s an absolute moron. Get rid.

GarlicSound · 11/01/2026 15:15

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

Oh, dear. You've got yourself what is charmingly known on MN as a cocklodger. I have read your subsequent posts, and can see that you're realising you've made the common mistake of falling for "Not as bad as the last awful one". It's understandable, but calls for a course correction Flowers

there's only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now.

Yes. Hold that thought! My new year's wish for you is that you spend next Christmas just as you like it, with significantly more funds to indulge your own choices and your children's. And no lifescape coffee tables 😂

Cailin66 · 11/01/2026 15:16

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

Things are way worse than this parasite you’ve become entangled with. Not only has he free rent and utilities, you’re overspending on unnecessary, and very expensive, items for him. Can you afford this level of expenditure on gifts to him. Did you spend much on your children’s gifts? He meanwhile is spending all his income on himself. Does he work? He’s you so fooled his “gift” to you is a ruse to get you to fork out way more money on a weekend trip that he wants for his birthday. He’s a user. You are surely not this desperate for a man.

Supersimkin7 · 11/01/2026 15:17

Mate, he loves freeloading. Not you.

Americano75 · 11/01/2026 15:18

Oh love, you know you deserve better than this leech, don't you?

QuinqueremeofNiveneh · 11/01/2026 15:18

HRTFT but @tryingtobegrateful, your financial arrangement, despite your protestations, is directly relevant to the issue you raise.

Can you not see how it follows the same pattern? You do everything, he does nothing (or near enough).

I have NEVER EVER used the word cocklodger before because it's so vile but that is precisely what your partner is.

Your children are being deprived of money, security and opportunities because you're shelling out on him. You are on a TINY wage. You cannot afford him.

Having him contribute to costs does not automatically mean that he will get a stake in your assets or you will be liable for any debts he may have.

Though how could he have debts when all his money is fun money. Maybe you're the one with the debts this time around?

And again, I have to be honest, I'm hoping this is a made up thread. It possibly is because I don't understand how someone on a modest Band 5 wage can afford all these presents.

Meadowfinch · 11/01/2026 15:20

So your main present was a voucher that he has suggested you use for HIS birthday !!

You have a tight-fisted git for a partner. It won't get better. Can you live with that for the rest of your life?

godmum56 · 11/01/2026 15:21

you know what? I think they are more than just shit gifts, I think its actually weaponised gift giving. Its telling you what he thinks you arer worth.
edit: I have just read the update that he has moved in to your home. Please please tell me (have not rtft) that you are not married to this person. He's not just leeching off you, he is showing by those gifts that he thinks you arer worth NOTHING.

Cherrysoup · 11/01/2026 15:22

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

What? So he’s living for free?! Wtaf?! Doesn’t contribute to bills/rent? Please please change this, it’s absolutely outrageous! Of course he has plenty of beer money because he’s a fucking cock lodger!

somanychristmaslights · 11/01/2026 15:25

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

I would be annoyed at those gifts too. But sounds like you have much bigger issues. He doesn’t seem to contribute anything positive to your life and relationship. I wouldn’t waste your time anymore.

user1471538275 · 11/01/2026 15:27

Get rid of this man and then stay single until your children are grown up so that they are safe, physically and financially.

Use the time to work on yourself so that you do not fall into another relationship with someone who looks at you as someone to take from, not to give to.

Harsh, but I really feel for your children having to live with this man.

PluckyChancer · 11/01/2026 15:27

Yes, you need to give your head a huge wobble and chuck him out.

How does he actually enhance your life? If you feel more secure having a man in the house, get a dog instead.

There are plenty of lovely independent capable men out there but are you only falling for the ones that you think need rescuing?

1offnamechange · 11/01/2026 15:27

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

he's not paying towards your kids though, he's paying for himself! He's probably saving thousands in rent, bills, food, etc.

There's a difference from not wanting to make a profit from him (although even then you SHOULD both be better off from combining households, that's a benefit for everyone living together in a relationship), and actively making a loss because you'll be paying out more on ctax, bills, food, etc. than before he moved in.

How do you even know you're the higher earner if you don't know how much comes in? he's probably got 5 x your disposable income!

And why on earth did you buy presents for HIS side of the family?

He's landed on his feet with you!

5foot5 · 11/01/2026 15:28

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 14:00

You are completely missing the point. Which was that he bought her the cheaper mug because HE didn’t think the ones she loved were worth £50, whereas despite not feeling like the Lego set was worth the huge price she bought it anyway because she knew it would make him happy. It’s the discrepancy in attitudes that’s the issue.

No I did not miss the point at all. It is quite clear that he did not see the appeal in a £50 mug so didn't buy it, whereas she didn't see the appeal in a big, expensive Lego but did buy it anyway to please him. My only issue was with her phrasing of "a grown man" not needing Lego which carried the implication that she thinks it a childish thing to want.

However, this is very much an irrelevant side issue on this thread. Subsequent posts have shown that there are much more serious problems in this relationship and I feel for the OP. Don't want to derail further.

ObsidianTree · 11/01/2026 15:28

Op, with the voucher, tell him he can book the place for his bday and use your £50 towards it. Don't end up paying for it. If he doesn't want that then give him the voucher back and say it's no use to you then.

Id honestly be thinking about what i was actually getting from this relationship.

Myfluffyblanket · 11/01/2026 15:29

I don't know how you have managed so far, OP; your children, your household, your profession, your mean selfish boyfriend...and all on a Band 5 staff nurse's salary. I take off my hat to you.
Please pack up his stuff and make him leave. If you have reason to think he might become violent or abusive ask the local police force to come at a prearranged time for your protection.

I have had to do this in the past whilst leaving a bad relationship. Things turned ugly very quickly and the two officers had to intervene.

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