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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
SBGM247 · 11/01/2026 14:53

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

When I bought a friend a device I also bought the credits for a year to go with it. It's just shit to give half a present.

Tulipsriver · 11/01/2026 14:54

Sorry OP, that is rubbish. Can you make it really clear that you assume he's going to pay the rest of the trip?

"Yeah, it would be great to go around your birthday. I'll sort the food for a celebration meal. Will you have time to save the rest of the money for the trip by then though?". And if he questions it, look really bemused and say "of course you'll be paying for it, the trip is my Christmas gift isn't it? You can't have got me a gift that costs £350 to use, that would be ridiculous".

unsync · 11/01/2026 14:54

Isn't this the very definition of cocklodger? As it's your house @tryingtobegrateful he needs to go.

Shortpoet · 11/01/2026 14:54

I’m going to be blunt. He bought you a cheap mug because he thinks you are a mug. He was happy to drop huge hits about expensive Lego, but didn’t think you were worth one thing a fraction of the price of that, that you would have treasured.

Find your righteous anger. At the very least read him the riot act and tell him how disappointed you are.

HomeTheatreSystem · 11/01/2026 14:54

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 14:32

He didn’t.

She did but as if they were actually from him.

Manxexile · 11/01/2026 14:54

So he's interested in knives used in camping and bushcraft.

And he bought you a voucher for a stay at a log cabin type lodge that has no other facilities.

Yes - I can see where he's coming from. Or rather where he wants to go.

Bonkers1966 · 11/01/2026 14:55

He is looking forward to you taking him away for his birthday and has chipped in £50 of his own money because he is such a great guy. If that hotel does afternoon tea, you could take a pal there. Give them a call and ask about options. Just ease back on the generosity. Match his gift giving energy. This is a situation that you have partly created because you just keep on giving and giving. Years ago I read Men are from Mars... Women are from Venus. The male author clearly stated that as long as a woman gives, a man will take.

Randalsratfriends · 11/01/2026 14:56

I doubt he paid for the £50 voucher btw. It sends like a promotional offer he got from somewhere free. He probably thought he was very clever passing that off as a gift.

EdgyLimeShark · 11/01/2026 14:56

Definitely not being unreasonable. That voucher smacks of a freebie tbh. I had a £50 voucher for Clogau sent by them. if I spent £250. I’m not saying that’s definitely what happened but it just gives me that vibe.

toottoot3 · 11/01/2026 14:56

Hand him back the voucher before his birthday, telling him he's right, "we" should use it for his birthday, let him spend £350 on his birthday. If he feels it's not cool to spend money on his own birthday..........

SBGM247 · 11/01/2026 14:56

Tulipsriver · 11/01/2026 14:54

Sorry OP, that is rubbish. Can you make it really clear that you assume he's going to pay the rest of the trip?

"Yeah, it would be great to go around your birthday. I'll sort the food for a celebration meal. Will you have time to save the rest of the money for the trip by then though?". And if he questions it, look really bemused and say "of course you'll be paying for it, the trip is my Christmas gift isn't it? You can't have got me a gift that costs £350 to use, that would be ridiculous".

Not being weird but why aren't all funds in a joint pot? My DW and are don't make distinctions between money. It's all ours. At one point she earned more and now I do. Always thought people are weird to be acting like they're single.

3luckystars · 11/01/2026 14:56

He bought you a mug because he is treating you like a mug.

Winter2020 · 11/01/2026 14:56

He sounds absolutely horrendous. You might agree he shouldn't need to pay for your kids but why doesn't he pay fur himself? Why does he get to live with no bills to pay? He wouldn't get that anywhere else.

As for the voucher/Birthday stay. Tell him great - I don't mind putting my voucher towards your birthday stay but you will need to save up a further £350 if you want 2 nights. You won't get anything for £50.

Let him pay for it. You pay for everything else. Better still kick him out.

What grown man needs to collect knives? If he goes fishing etc I imagine one or two knives is plenty.

Sunshine1500 · 11/01/2026 14:57

You deserve better than this and your kids don’t need this kind of man as a role model because he’s pretty useless.

Highlighta · 11/01/2026 14:57

SBGM247 · 11/01/2026 14:56

Not being weird but why aren't all funds in a joint pot? My DW and are don't make distinctions between money. It's all ours. At one point she earned more and now I do. Always thought people are weird to be acting like they're single.

Please read the whole thread

Getupat8amnow · 11/01/2026 14:58

Pomegranatecarnage · 11/01/2026 13:52

This is such a heartbreaking read, OP. You sound such a warm and generous person. I’d keep that warmth and generosity for your children. This man doesn’t value you-not because of who you are, or due to any fault of yours-but because he is innately selfish. He is out for what he can get. A lot of people have this trait, and they make hopeless partners.

This. 100%

AirborneElephant · 11/01/2026 15:00

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

He sounds selfish, and he has no intention of trying to change as “you know what he’s like”. Please have higher expectations for yourself.

SBGM247 · 11/01/2026 15:00

Highlighta · 11/01/2026 14:57

Please read the whole thread

What's your point?

GlasgowGal2014 · 11/01/2026 15:01

That is annoying. I've been bought vouchers a couple of times for a hotel that OH and I used to love going to when we were child-free and had more disposable income. Even then, we went we booked using a special offer that gave us a significant discount never paid full price. Prices have since gone up and it now comes in full price at more than £500 for one night dinner bed and breakfast - way out of our budget - and I've not seen a special offer for years. It's also very remote so no chance of getting dinner anywhere else to save a bit of cash.

We've twice received vouchers for £250-£300 that have covered part of the cost but have left us having to shell out another £200-£250 we can ill-afford in order to use the vouchers (unfortunately we got them too far apart to combine which would have been perfect!). We probably could have used them for lunch instead, but as I said it's very remote and a long way to go for a meal and we'd either need to go twice or friends to use the full value. I've had to make it known to friends and family that we are no longer interested in visiting the hotel so that we don't end up with more vouchers!

In both those cases at least we were being given a decent chunk of the cost, whereas £50 towards a £400 stay is taking the piss. I'd call your OH's bluff and say that you'd love to go for his birthday, and that you'd be happy to contribute the £50 voucher towards it since he's generously offering to pay for the balance of the stay. You could offer to pay for food bill or if you're feeling extra generous split the whole bill two ways, but no way would I be paying the rest of the cost for the stay!

MuyPuy · 11/01/2026 15:02

What on earth have I just read? Are you married to a man who contributes nothing towards living costs and doesn’t even pay for food?
Oh love, you sounds very kind hearted but this man is a pure out and out cocklodger.

Slatkater · 11/01/2026 15:03

Cocklodger
The voucher was free.
Doesn’t care about you in the slightest.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 11/01/2026 15:03

If you have actually married this dreadful man, you need to separate asap. The longer it drags on, the more he will be entitled to and will take from you and your DC.

BeeDavis · 11/01/2026 15:05

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

You need to stop allowing this behaviour from him. He pays nothing to live in your home and repays you with shitty, thoughtless gifts. Why are you buying all the presents for his side of the family?! Cut that shit out and think about the example you’re setting your children!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 11/01/2026 15:07

he's stealing money from you and your children by not contributing. get rid and buy yourself that mug with the money you will save in month 1!!

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 15:07

SBGM247 · 11/01/2026 14:56

Not being weird but why aren't all funds in a joint pot? My DW and are don't make distinctions between money. It's all ours. At one point she earned more and now I do. Always thought people are weird to be acting like they're single.

Because it’s her second marriage, and during her first marriage the joint finances were abused. I can see why she’s trying to protect herself from a repeat of that.

What I can’t understand is why having separate finances means him not contributing to household bills and expenses.

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