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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 14:28

BoudiccaRuled · 11/01/2026 14:16

You sound as though you go hugely over the top for Christmas. Mass consumerism for the sake of it. Lego would be more than enough. You also sound like you want the moon on a stick - gig tickets, make up, a dressing gown? Why would a man buy these with no input? Who buys makeup for someone else? Gig tickets for when, when are you free? You suggest these are simple requests but they add up to hundreds of pounds.

You sound as though you can't be arsed to read all of OPs posts. You also sound very unsympathetic to a woman who is in her (at least) second abusive relationship.

Little tip. If you want to come across as a decent human being don't kick someone who has obviously reached rock bottom.

Twiglets1 · 11/01/2026 14:29

What a tight wad he is. Even buying a beige mug not a nicer one to save a few quid.

YANBU - show him this thread.

SpongyNight · 11/01/2026 14:29

Those gifts were thoughtless! In isolation being rubbish at gifts is something easily solved by agreeing not to bother in future/reducing the spend to token - not as an obviously direct reaction to this but…
Your level of gift buying is extremely generous (especially considering your salaries) but it might be part of the problem - a bit ott and creates extra pressure?
Sounds like the problems run deeper than this though. If you’re not financially enmeshed (married) I would put serious thought into ending the relationship.

lovecheesymash · 11/01/2026 14:32

As a matter of interest, what gifts did he buy for your children?

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 14:32

lovecheesymash · 11/01/2026 14:32

As a matter of interest, what gifts did he buy for your children?

He didn’t.

SpideyVerse · 11/01/2026 14:33

Ebok1990 · 11/01/2026 13:41

You said you have separate finances. If you're married, I'm very much afraid you don't. Get yourself to a lawyer urgently and find out how you extract yourself from this sham relationship without losing half of everything you own.

THIS !! @tryingtobegrateful

Sunshineandoranges · 11/01/2026 14:34

I never ndrstand all the upset adults feel about presents given or received for Christmas. It undermines often loving and caring relationships. Queen Elizabeth the second had the right idea..apparently thry all exchanged very small gifts like bath salts.

IridiumSky · 11/01/2026 14:34

I’m a bloke so can provide a male perspective to this story.

Which is: Your husband is a dick-head and is - whether deliberately or not - taking the piss.

I have reached the end of my intellectual analysis.

There’s only one good aspect to this: That he will certainly never get around to making the coffee table with pictures under glass. Thanks Christ for that. It sounds irredeemably naff.

Like him, really.

outerspacepotato · 11/01/2026 14:34

His "gift", and I use the term loosely here, was to pay a tiny part of a holiday he's told you he wants you to take him on and some other cheap shit and a future project that you have no interest in.

Hahaha, good try dude.

You've got a cheap ass cocklodger and I'd be taking that Lego set back yesterday to pay for a lawyer consult for divorcing this asshole. Too bad you married him.

Horses7 · 11/01/2026 14:36

i could tolerate most of the presents but the voucher would give me serious ick - what was he thinking???

Hello39 · 11/01/2026 14:37

I thought the voucher was the cheekiest thing until I read he moved in and doesn't contribute anything.
Sorry OP

IsabellaGoodthing · 11/01/2026 14:38

I'm afraid that the voucher sounds like a freebie!
I don't know what you can do except tell him straight that you feel that he prefers to economise on your presents rather than giving you something he knows you'd love. You told him you loved those special mugs, and if he'd bought you one and nothing else, you'd have been really pleased. You never gave the impression you wanted a glass table top with photos under it, and anyway he hasn't actually done it. Tell him you don't want him to spend a fortune but you do want him to spend the money on something he is sure you'll love. He might be upset to hear this but at least you will have done your best to help him understand.
As to what you buy for him: this you gave him a big present that he loves because you love him. Don't put that into the argument, because it was your choice to spend the money. But in future you might feel better buying something cheaper that you know he'll enjoy.

MiddleChildX · 11/01/2026 14:39

I know what I’d be giving him for his birthday gift.

SockFluffInTheBath · 11/01/2026 14:40

Is he expecting you to top up the £350 for his birthday trip, or will he be paying that? I would stay right away from booking anything so you don’t end up catching that cost, in fact I would be prepared to ‘lose’ that gift and waste his £50 to make the point to him.

The mug would annoy me more I think. I’m like you and don’t see the point of buying a different version- buy nothing or buy the right one ffs, it’s not hard.

Reallywhatonearth · 11/01/2026 14:41

Under no circumstances splash out on his birthday @tryingtobegrateful

Regift the £50 voucher back to him.

liverpoolgal82 · 11/01/2026 14:41

It’s wrong to hint at gifts that cost a lot but not reciprocate. It’s mean! I’d tell him that he’s paying the difference of the hotel stay and it won’t be for his b day - it’ll be your Xmas present. Then on his birthday I’d buy him a mug.

Manxexile · 11/01/2026 14:43

I think his presents to you are thoughtless crap.

I assume the voucher can't be refunded? I'd see if you could off-load on to any friends or acquainatances you know who actually are going to that hotel. I certainly wouldn't be using it to part fund his birthday present

But to be fair to him, if the "nice" mugs are £50, then he's right they aren't worth it, no matter how nice they are.

Manxexile · 11/01/2026 14:45

Itiswhysofew · 11/01/2026 12:18

Sorry to be blunt, but they are shit presents. I would be perplexed and upset. Obviously, it's the thought that counts, and you can see that he hasn't thought too hard.

Give him the voucher back for his birthday, and see how he likes that.

"... Give him the voucher back for his birthday, and see how he likes that."

Yes. And only give him that

SockFluffInTheBath · 11/01/2026 14:45

But to be fair to him, if the "nice" mugs are £50, then he's right they aren't worth it, no matter how nice they are.
I would agree that £50 for a mug is extortionate BUT if it’s something that would be a very well received gift then to me it’s worth it. £200+ of Lego for a manchild isn’t worth it imo.

Twiglets1 · 11/01/2026 14:46

Reallywhatonearth · 11/01/2026 14:41

Under no circumstances splash out on his birthday @tryingtobegrateful

Regift the £50 voucher back to him.

Great idea 😂

SameShitDifferentDate · 11/01/2026 14:47

A discount voucher does not qualify as a gift, except in the sense that you might have one you can't use and pass it on to somebody who can. It's absolutely not acceptable as a Christmas or birthday present.

Highlighta · 11/01/2026 14:47

Twiglets1 · 11/01/2026 14:29

What a tight wad he is. Even buying a beige mug not a nicer one to save a few quid.

YANBU - show him this thread.

Please do NOT show him this thread!

@Twiglets1 why do you think that is good advice? Seriously?
OP is in another abusive relationship which she has already once tried to leave

Why on earth would you suggest giving him the heads up to her getting advice to look out for herself?

Andthatrightsoon · 11/01/2026 14:47

Oh, OP. Take the responses to this thread as the final push you need to improving your life, and the current and future lives of your children.

Get rid. Breathe the free air. Work on your self-esteem and steer a course towards happiness. If you feel you don't deserve it just yet, then your children absolutely do.

AudreyHepburnseyes · 11/01/2026 14:48

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

Ime, if you give an easy ride to someone inclined to be a cheapskate, they are more inclined to treat you as having no value and take the absolute piss.

MyNeedyLilacBird · 11/01/2026 14:51

Op this man is seriously making a fool of you and your allowing yourself to be a doormat. Stop spending money that you couldne put towards your children's future on this awful man. He appears to be manipulating you as well. Don't listen to any more sob stories.

its not clear if your married to this man but if you aren't get his bags packed when he's next at work and the locks changed and rid yourself of this awful man. Of you are you need to speak with a solicitor asap. You've replaced one awful man with another amd sadly youre in another abusive relationship. I really hope you aren't married to this man

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