A gift that I need to pay to use?

[tryingtobegrateful]

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

He is saying quite clearly that he is worth expensive gifts (like the Lego and two nights away with you contributing your gift and money to it) and you are not. It's contempt.

If you decide to sort this out you stop buying gifts for his family and you return his lack of effort with present buying back to him. For example, pretend Lego because real Lego is too expensive.

sorry you ended up in another shit relationship after all you have suffered.

I would be very wary of men from now on if I were you.

Or just have a conversation like grown ups.

Yes. But more importantly, it is part of a wider pattern of him not contributing and expecting her to look after him while he does nothing in return. He is a leech and a scrounger and a cocklodger, and I suspect a manipulative abuser too.

Tell him that you don't think it would be "good value" to pay £350+ to use the "gift"!

@tryingtobegrateful give yourself the new years gift of dramatic weight loss by losing 14 stone of useless partner. He’s absolutely taking the piss and just because he’s not a violent cocaine user does NOT mean he’s worthy of you. Get rid.

You said it yourself - he spends money on things he thinks are worthwhile.

He has not spent money on you. (Or his nieces and nephews, or his stepchildren). What does that tell you he thinks of you?

Start spending your money on you.
If (when?) you divorce he will be entitled to go for 50% of everything you have so make sure you don't feel fleeced any further before that begins.

Take the £50 voucher and treat yourself and a friend to afternoon tea or cocktails if you can.

See if you can pay the difference to get the mug you actually want.

Return any gifts of his you can.

@tryingtobegrateful I know you posted about the present. And then didn't want to discuss the financial side of things are you are happy with that arrangement.

But now your last post where you say there are other issues and you have previously tried to break it off is just ringing major alarm bells.

Maybe writing this all out can help to put some pieces of a big puzzle together so that you can step back and look at all of these small things, as a whole.

You and we all know that the present was awful. But there is so much more to this than this present. It's probably just the cherry on the top of everything for you now.

I am sure you must have seen posts here in the past of people asking what was the final straw for you to see everything clearly. And a lot of the time it is something small, like a terrible gift or a mess left in the bathroom. But it's all the background issues that were the major problems.

I hope you are able to see your puzzle a little clearer soon.

What a depressing read.

Come on @tryingtobegrateful surely you know you deserve so much more than this?

Having separate finances doesn't mean you act like a door mat and let a man use you like this. If you recognize that you have low self esteem then you need to work on it not lay down and let yourself be used financially while pretending it's because you want separate finances.

Separate finances means he still pays his share not that you pay for everything while he uses his money to drink and pay for his hobbies.

You keep trying to avoid discussing or dealing with the finance issue but people are telling you that it makes no sense and he is just a useless cocklodger who has found a woman with low self esteem to pay for all his bills. If he can't step up you need to end the relationship. The fight situation is just another symptom in a sea of many relationship issues going on here.

Sounds like your his meal ticket
Stop paying for everything and definitely Do Not marry him.

Why did you buy the presents for his parents and nephews and nieces?

Well you shouldn't be happy with this arrangement. He's taking the piss and laughing all the way to the bank.

"He doesn't have high living expenses." He doesn't have any living expenses from the sounds of it. Where is your self respect? Why are you paying for everything for him? He would have to pay to live anywhere else.

Ok so you don't expect him to pay towards your kids , but indirectly they are paying towards him, because the money you're paying out for this sponging waste of space is not available for them when they need something extra. And why on earth did you buy the presents for his family? More money you could have used for your kids.

As for your original question - I cannot believe this twat pays nothing towards his living expenses or food and still buys you a load of crappy tat for Christmas. He clearly doesn't give a shit about you. YANU to be upset about that.

Stop being a mug OP and put your kids first, preferably by dumping this freeloader.

Please tell us you are not actually married? The thought he could waltz off with 50% of the house you paid for is sickening. If he’s an unmarried partner get him paying at least 25% of your household costs (at least bills- you probably want him nowhere near the mortgage) immediately and give him his crappy voucher as his birthday present.
My DH did a mild version of this by buying me a spa voucher “for two” for Christmas - I took my best mate (it did cover the cost though)

So he bought a voucher that you'll have to put a chunk of coin towards to use and he wants it for his birthday?

No fucking way I'd be doing that.

Tell him if he wants to use the voucher for his birthday, he can pay for the rest and that will be your Christmas gift as he didn't really give you much thought at all. I'd also be saying gifts for each other are knocked on the head in future.

Do the petulant strop..sometimes we need a bit of a strop to get a point across.

So what are you going to do now?

If you can, get some counselling to help you build the resilience needed to end this relationship and make the changes needed.

I know it can be expensive but there are cheaper options out there and the money you save after kicking this useless cocklodger out of your home and life can be used to find the hell you need to emerge stronger and more discerning.

That voucher is a joke...the fact he mentioned using it for HIS birthday is beyond. I would cough up the extra and go for 2 nights. I WOULDN'T invite him!!

The fact that he is happy to freeload if you any contribute nothing speaks volumes. I’m sorry OP but his behaviour at Xmas is same… why did you buy for his family and not him?

you are wasting money that you could spend on your children on a man and his shit Xmas presents should be the least of your worries… he is telling you he’s a rubbish partner… listen to him

Are you having a laugh? OP (despite quite a low salary) pays all the household bills by herself, buys all the food, pays for all of his Christmas gifts to his extended family, in addition to buying him the extremely expensive gift he asked for plus some thoughtful extra treats, and after all that you think it’s too much for her to ask that he puts a little effort into thoughtful Christmas presents for her? You call that “wanting the moon on a stick”? I’d call it asking for the bare minimum.

"He pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect"

Tell me you're kidding...

Try and reframe it. You are not in control by having separate finances BUT paying for everything yourself! Quite the opposite. Just think, if you had an equal partnership , there’d be more money for the kids and your savings. Instead you are supporting 2 kids and an adult on your own 😢

Strongly agree with this. I’d actually ask for the cash and he can keep the voucher, as nothing was for you apart from the horrible mug. I think you should spend much less on him next time and on disappointing gifts, e.g. linx, boxers, aftershave and a voucher towards a day out! Matching his energy is the other way he’ll learn!

I am with you. The mug is the one that stood out for me to be honest! That he chose the cheapest one because ‘he’ didn’t think it worth paying more!

The voucher … it ‘could’ have been that he didn’t realise you had to pay for the second night and if that was the case I would bring it up and say I can’t really use it because of that but would appreciate it being an honest mistake ( also , what a scam ! Check it as the 2 night minimum may not apply to a voucher ) but the fact he suggested using it for HIS birthday is downright cheek!

It sounds as if deep down you know that this relationship is not a good one, but you can’t, or won’t do anything to improve it. I think you know that you are being taken advantage of by a freeloader. He will never move out voluntarily of such a comfortable relationship where everything is paid for - not by him- and all his earnings are totally for his own benefit to spend on himself.

OP the relationship that you are modelling for your kids is going to be harmful to them in the future. If this man is not your actual DH then you need to ask him to leave. It doesn't matter if he has nowhere to go, even if he was earning £1 k a month he has no living expenses and should have substantial savings by now. If he's spent it all (though clearly not on you!) that's his problem as a grown adult, not yours.

He has given you a huge gift here OP, in black and white, that he is a lowlife cocklodger using you for your money and a place to live and is shamelessly taking the piss. He may not have much money but he also has no care or respect for you either.

Please pack up the lego set (absolutely over the top gift from you btw: you're a band 5 with kids, not Paul Getty) and sell it, give him back the other thoughtless shitty presents he bought you and tell him to get out. The money you spend on him and his family, is money you are not spending on your children.