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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
Geeseinarowhonk · 11/01/2026 14:05

Echoing what some other people have suggested - did he actually buy the hotel voucher, or was it from a deal/work/that his family gave to him for you both, and he's trying to pass it off as coming from him?

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 14:06

TempestTost · 11/01/2026 14:03

OP, sometimes it's just hard to be inspired about gift giving, especially when you have limited funds.

Last year I had a heck of a time putting together a stocking for my son on a budget. I was also a little more busy than normal, had a lot on my mind at work and was tired, and I just could not figure out quite what to get him. Especially enough items at a low enough price point. It ended up being a bland disappointing stocking I think.

I did think about it a lot, I just kept coming up short.

It's not some kind of massive sign of lack of love.

This really isn’t the same. Please read OP’s other posts.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/01/2026 14:07

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 14:00

You are completely missing the point. Which was that he bought her the cheaper mug because HE didn’t think the ones she loved were worth £50, whereas despite not feeling like the Lego set was worth the huge price she bought it anyway because she knew it would make him happy. It’s the discrepancy in attitudes that’s the issue.

Spot on

But the thread was lacking a solid defence of Lego 😂

Auroraloves · 11/01/2026 14:08

Does this voucher place have a spa attached? If so book in a massage, facial or see if they sell nice face creams?

SequoiaTree · 11/01/2026 14:09

the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost
And they say romance is dead....

Dollymylove · 11/01/2026 14:09

He sounds tight.
He collects knives.
Why does he collect knives?

HomeTheatreSystem · 11/01/2026 14:09

You refer to him as your DH. Are you actually married and if yes, how long ?

SwingTheMonkey · 11/01/2026 14:09

TempestTost · 11/01/2026 14:03

OP, sometimes it's just hard to be inspired about gift giving, especially when you have limited funds.

Last year I had a heck of a time putting together a stocking for my son on a budget. I was also a little more busy than normal, had a lot on my mind at work and was tired, and I just could not figure out quite what to get him. Especially enough items at a low enough price point. It ended up being a bland disappointing stocking I think.

I did think about it a lot, I just kept coming up short.

It's not some kind of massive sign of lack of love.

OP’s partner doesn’t have limited funds because op pays all the bills. He has plenty of money to spend on himself. Why are you defending this absolute cuntery?

RumbleHoney · 11/01/2026 14:09

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

Fucking hell, this gets even worse 😔

“You knew I'd be a rubbish partner” when people tell you who they are, believe them.

You are being treated like an absolute mug. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Was the cokehead their dad?

When you get out of this relationship, which I hope happens asap, please stay single and get therapy before you even think about finding someone else.

Aluna · 11/01/2026 14:09

Edit: missed OP’s later posts

Get shot of him and focus on your kids OP. Life’s too short for a cock lodger.

krustykittens · 11/01/2026 14:09

Get rid. This man lives for free in your house, can't even be bothered to buy his own family a present at Christmas because he can get you to do it and then gets very fucking cheap with gifts for you. He doesn't care about you, OP, he doesn't give a shit if he makes you smile. Then he has the cheek to tell you this your fault because you should have know he would be a shit partner?! Is he fucking serious?! So he knows he is crap to be with, but hey, why should he make any effort to change and be the kind of guy a woman would want to be with when you will accept the scraps he throws you? I say again, get rid, and work on your self esteem. This man brings nothing to your life but unhappiness and YOU are PAYING for the privilege! Add up all the money you have spent on presents for him and his family and the extra is has cost to keep in your house and just imagine what kind of difference it would have made to your kids to have that money in a savings account, earning compound interest, for when they go to uni and move out. You are taking money away from your kids and paying just to say you are in a relationship. A shit one.

Rattai · 11/01/2026 14:10

Tbh the mug thing is disappointing but not untypical man thinking.
I would be honest and tell him that you will not be using the voucher as you do not have £350 to add to it. Perhaps ask if he would like to buy it from you....

Namechangerage · 11/01/2026 14:12

5foot5 · 11/01/2026 13:56

You are justified in feeling disappointed and annoyed at the gifts he bought you and, like everyone else, I feel he is a massive cocklodger and why the hell are you buying presents for his family?

However I just wanted to take slight issue with this:

This is actually how I feel about lego, I think a grown man does not need £££ lego sets,

Well you could also say a grown woman doesn't need £50 hand made mugs but it would have brought you pleasure so that's OK isn't it? You kind of imply you think Lego is not really for grown ups. In fact, the price and popularity of the larger sets shows it very much is.

I bought DH a massive Lego. But as it happens he a bought an equally massive one for me! Much joy. 😊

(Which set was it?)

Jesus wept, why do you need to know what set it is? I love Lego but it doesn’t impact my life in any way to know which set OP bought her cocklodger…

3luckystars · 11/01/2026 14:12

Genuinely sorry if I missed this, but are you married?

If not then please get rid of him. Even if you are, get rid of him. He is a user and a loser.

smallsilvercloud · 11/01/2026 14:13

Unless it’s a blip in his financial situation, tbh I wouldn’t be happy with his bad stingy choices, he’s showing you how much you’re worth to him, not a lot!

SummerFate · 11/01/2026 14:13

A friend of my dad’s owns a spa hotel. My dad asked him once why they sold gift vouchers from £20 when their cheapest treatment was £60.

He replied, “Exactly”. Maiden aunts and panicking husbands bought them for their nieces and wives, who either had to shell out the extra for a treatment, or else just stuck them in a drawer because they didn’t want to spend the extra or travel. Free money for the hotel.

Tesremos82 · 11/01/2026 14:13

LeavesOnTrees · 11/01/2026 13:55

I put YABU because of all the ridiculous, expensive present buying you are doing.
Why ? Just stop, treat yourself and your children and that's it.

Secondly, he should be contributing to housing and bills. He is an adult with a job.

This ^^

Ilovelifeverymuch · 11/01/2026 14:13

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:32

For those asking, I don't know exactly how much he has coming in, we have seperate finances but I am not a high earner - band 5 NHS. I am responsible for all of the household bills as this was my home with my kids before he moved in, he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food ect as I don't expect him to pay towards my kids.

This is an arrangement that I am ok with, but just to highlight that the only expenses he actually has is his phone contract and car insurance / tax ect. He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

The fact that you are happy with such an arrangement makes me wonder if you're so desperate to have a man in your life no matter how useless he is.

So he lives in your home for free, no contribution to ANYTHING at all and yet can't even make an effort to get you something thoughtful for Christmas.

Of course he has plenty of money for drinks and his hobbies when he has you paying all his bills. How in the hell do you think this is a fair or sensible arrangement? And don't forget your children are watching and learning from you.

What's the end goal with this cocklodger???

Mapleleaf114 · 11/01/2026 14:13

Why do some women but up with these loosers- you already have children so i assume u dont keep him around for that purpose. Cant think if any other reason

Bimblebombles · 11/01/2026 14:14

What am I reading...!?

You would be so much better off without him in your home.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 11/01/2026 14:15

TempestTost · 11/01/2026 14:03

OP, sometimes it's just hard to be inspired about gift giving, especially when you have limited funds.

Last year I had a heck of a time putting together a stocking for my son on a budget. I was also a little more busy than normal, had a lot on my mind at work and was tired, and I just could not figure out quite what to get him. Especially enough items at a low enough price point. It ended up being a bland disappointing stocking I think.

I did think about it a lot, I just kept coming up short.

It's not some kind of massive sign of lack of love.

Except in this case it is a lack of thought. The mug was £50. He bought the cheaper one. He could have easily not bothered with the £50 voucher that was basically for his birthday and got the mug.

FrizzyFrizbee · 11/01/2026 14:15

krustykittens · 11/01/2026 14:09

Get rid. This man lives for free in your house, can't even be bothered to buy his own family a present at Christmas because he can get you to do it and then gets very fucking cheap with gifts for you. He doesn't care about you, OP, he doesn't give a shit if he makes you smile. Then he has the cheek to tell you this your fault because you should have know he would be a shit partner?! Is he fucking serious?! So he knows he is crap to be with, but hey, why should he make any effort to change and be the kind of guy a woman would want to be with when you will accept the scraps he throws you? I say again, get rid, and work on your self esteem. This man brings nothing to your life but unhappiness and YOU are PAYING for the privilege! Add up all the money you have spent on presents for him and his family and the extra is has cost to keep in your house and just imagine what kind of difference it would have made to your kids to have that money in a savings account, earning compound interest, for when they go to uni and move out. You are taking money away from your kids and paying just to say you are in a relationship. A shit one.

Edited

Agree 100%. Her kids deserve better than this. If OP cannot do it for herself, I hope she gets rid of the freeloading selfish toe rag before he tries to take part of her house. Her kids have claim to her house, this pointless freeloading, sidewinding scumbag she calls her “partner” does not. I hope for their sake she has not married to him.

FrizzyFrizbee · 11/01/2026 14:16

RumbleHoney · 11/01/2026 14:09

Fucking hell, this gets even worse 😔

“You knew I'd be a rubbish partner” when people tell you who they are, believe them.

You are being treated like an absolute mug. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Was the cokehead their dad?

When you get out of this relationship, which I hope happens asap, please stay single and get therapy before you even think about finding someone else.

Agree.

BoudiccaRuled · 11/01/2026 14:16

You sound as though you go hugely over the top for Christmas. Mass consumerism for the sake of it. Lego would be more than enough. You also sound like you want the moon on a stick - gig tickets, make up, a dressing gown? Why would a man buy these with no input? Who buys makeup for someone else? Gig tickets for when, when are you free? You suggest these are simple requests but they add up to hundreds of pounds.

FrizzyFrizbee · 11/01/2026 14:16

Bimblebombles · 11/01/2026 14:14

What am I reading...!?

You would be so much better off without him in your home.

Agree

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