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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
BCSurvivor · 11/01/2026 13:53

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

OP, I understand that you're happy with this arrangement BUT - he's living for free!!!
How on earth would he be ''subsidising your children'' by paying towards the bills he generates by being there?
It does have a baring on the issue of Christmas presents as he's coming across as an all around cheapskate.
You're paying ALL the bills, including food, leaving him with zero responsibilities financially.
I'm sure he's very happy with this arrangement, but he doesn't seem to respect you.

skyeisthelimit · 11/01/2026 13:53

OP, he is taking you for a ride. You can have separate finances, but he should still be paying towards the household costs, he shouldn't be getting a free ride. Even if you made him pay 1/4, if you have 2 DC, it would be something. He should be paying towards all utilities and food. You should pay for repairs and insurance, anything house related.

You say you have tried to end it before, and you need to find the strength to end it again and stick to it.

Being on your own has to be better than being with this freeloader.

The fact that he bought you a cheap mug rather than the one you would like, just because he thought it was too much money, the fact that he bought you a voucher rather than an entire weekend, when he doesn't even cover his living costs, says it all.

He is a miserly freeloading twat.

CautiousLurker2 · 11/01/2026 13:54

So I’d book it, pay, and take a friend (or go alone far away from DH’s Birthday) and for HIS birthday I’d buy him a £50 voucher for a DIY store (or Sainsbury’s/Tesco’s or something equally mundane). Or even, give him a (free to download) ‘free deserts with every main meal’ voucher for pizza express…

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 11/01/2026 13:54

Stop being a victim to his bullshit. You’re obviously a kind and capable person you don’t need to accept this.

Anyahyacinth · 11/01/2026 13:55

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:14

Thanks for the posters who have replied without querying my self esteem ect. No I do not have great self esteem, my previous marriage was with a violent and unpredictable cocaine user who got us into huge amounts of debt, hence why I am happy to have entirely seperate finances now.

You don't have entirely separate finances..you are keeping him.

I think you've trained him to have no respect for you...lives for free etc...that is literally diverting money from your children

WimbyAce · 11/01/2026 13:55

I have just read your other posts and see you are band 5 NHS which isn't massive earnings. But you have managed to buy gifts for all his family plus really lovely gifts for him. He can't be earning a huge amount less than you so don't let him use that as an excuse.
If you have no interest in the hotel then I would try and sell the voucher and put it towards the actual mug you wanted. Maybe the seller will let you exchange the other mug also?

LeavesOnTrees · 11/01/2026 13:55

I put YABU because of all the ridiculous, expensive present buying you are doing.
Why ? Just stop, treat yourself and your children and that's it.

Secondly, he should be contributing to housing and bills. He is an adult with a job.

DancingLions · 11/01/2026 13:55

I'm just going to be blunt OP. You're being an absolute mug. He saw you coming!

You might be "happy" with the financial arrangement but you're robbing your own DC to subsidise him. On the topic of the DC, I have never had a partner who has not bought my DC a gift on their birthdays/Christmas. How mean spirited of him.

Please, please wake up and put you and your DC first. Hopefully these shit christmas gifts will be the final straw for you!

5foot5 · 11/01/2026 13:56

You are justified in feeling disappointed and annoyed at the gifts he bought you and, like everyone else, I feel he is a massive cocklodger and why the hell are you buying presents for his family?

However I just wanted to take slight issue with this:

This is actually how I feel about lego, I think a grown man does not need £££ lego sets,

Well you could also say a grown woman doesn't need £50 hand made mugs but it would have brought you pleasure so that's OK isn't it? You kind of imply you think Lego is not really for grown ups. In fact, the price and popularity of the larger sets shows it very much is.

I bought DH a massive Lego. But as it happens he a bought an equally massive one for me! Much joy. 😊

(Which set was it?)

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 13:56

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:14

Thanks for the posters who have replied without querying my self esteem ect. No I do not have great self esteem, my previous marriage was with a violent and unpredictable cocaine user who got us into huge amounts of debt, hence why I am happy to have entirely seperate finances now.

Do the Freedom Programme as a birthday present to yourself. It's well known that women who have one abusive relationship are at a higher risk of having another - which you do. Abuse comes in many forms and this man has you jumping through hoops at great detriment to yourself and your children, a sign of coercive control.

Open your eyes OP. Your situation is really bad.

Moonnstarz · 11/01/2026 13:56

As others have said if you are married he will have a claim to the house and your money unless you have legally done something to protect it for your children.
You say he shouldn't have to contribute as it was your house initially but I doubt he would have any shame if you split in claiming half.

Does he actually work? You mention you don't even know how much he earns so I wonder if he has a reliable job or if he just dosses around in your house.

Even if on a low income if he had been listening then buying a nicer mug and not handing over the voucher would have been thoughtful and show he had listened.

I don't know why you bought gifts for his family. Did he ask you to do this? Even with shared finances I leave my husband to deal with his side of the family, if we had separate finances I certainly wouldn't be dipping in my own spends to pay for them.

Needspaceforlego · 11/01/2026 13:57

TheatreTheatre · 11/01/2026 12:17

I would spell it out directly. E.g: “so let’s get this right, you give me £50 off a £400 spend for your birthday?

I think I will give you a £50 voucher for the same place for your birthday and then we can pay the balance between us”

That sounds like a plan, good thinking

Zov · 11/01/2026 13:57

WimbyAce · 11/01/2026 13:43

Agreed, I hate it when people do vouchers which don't cover the cost of anything so you then have to spend money yourself.

Same.

CalzoneOnLegs · 11/01/2026 13:57

Nobody buys a hotel voucher, that was a freebie via Wowcher or from car insurance comparison site or similar. Sorry this was your present OP

whistlesandbells · 11/01/2026 13:58

This is a complete arsehole move. YANBU.

Forget the voucher exists completely. Match his energy for the birthday - gift bag with some small things from a craft fair - and a homemade card for insurance you made ‘effort’. Smile, tinkly laugh.

Honestly fuck him!

DemonsRocks · 11/01/2026 13:59

You are taking your hard earn money away from your own kids to pay for his family Xmas gifts?

I can understand not wanting him to contribute to your mortgage or rent if you want to keep the lines clear that this home belongs to you and your kids. But he doesn't even contribute to food or utilities?

Seriously, put your kids first.

Katflapkit · 11/01/2026 14:00

You have been robbed.

When opening the presents, did he swap his Christmas jumper for a highway mask.

Outrageous

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 14:00

5foot5 · 11/01/2026 13:56

You are justified in feeling disappointed and annoyed at the gifts he bought you and, like everyone else, I feel he is a massive cocklodger and why the hell are you buying presents for his family?

However I just wanted to take slight issue with this:

This is actually how I feel about lego, I think a grown man does not need £££ lego sets,

Well you could also say a grown woman doesn't need £50 hand made mugs but it would have brought you pleasure so that's OK isn't it? You kind of imply you think Lego is not really for grown ups. In fact, the price and popularity of the larger sets shows it very much is.

I bought DH a massive Lego. But as it happens he a bought an equally massive one for me! Much joy. 😊

(Which set was it?)

You are completely missing the point. Which was that he bought her the cheaper mug because HE didn’t think the ones she loved were worth £50, whereas despite not feeling like the Lego set was worth the huge price she bought it anyway because she knew it would make him happy. It’s the discrepancy in attitudes that’s the issue.

Defiantly41 · 11/01/2026 14:01

@tryingtobegrateful are you familiar with the phrase “when someone tells you who they are, believe them”? Honestly, this is what leapt at me from your last update, he has never had any intention of being a partner in the full sense of the word and is taking you (and by extension, your children) for a mug. I mean that really kindly but take a step back and look at the reality of your relationship with him.

I hope you can get him out of your life, soon

TheJoyousHiker · 11/01/2026 14:01

Firstly, I’d stop buying presents for his family, he can do that himself and if not, then it’s not your problem so don’t worry about it.

I’d definitely stop spending so much on his gifts and when he mentions putting the voucher towards a stay for his birthday, say you will put £50 towards it and you both split the extra evenly.

He’s making a mug of you not contributing to household expenses, you buying gifts for his family, etc.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/01/2026 14:01

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

Sorry @tryingtobegrateful
I've just seen your update.

The disparity in your income is not as great as the first post suggested and it doesn't sound sustainable for you in the long term.

Without commenting further on your financial arrangements... I do think its not fair that he can spend £££ on his own hobbies but expects you to pay for Christmas presents for his own children. As you say he had one person (you) to buy for and decided that he could overrule your choices because they were "a mug's not worth it" (but a camping knife definitely is? and a ££ lego set - why wasn't he buying his kids lego sets if he regards it that highly) I don't know if your DC still live with you, but if they do and are not adults, then its hard to fathom someone sharing your home and not buying even a token present for your DC.

I don't blame you for feeling so disappointed. It's not a question of feeling grateful. Its the fact that it highlights the extreme inequality of it all.

At the moment he has it all really easy. His mindset seems quite established. The fact that you are supposed to feel grateful under the circumstances feels like a colloidal cheek. It makes me annoyed on your behalf.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 11/01/2026 14:03

Given your updates, OP, I think you know you need to end this relationship. He’s an absolute CF and has no respect for you and all the things you provide for him.

Give him the voucher back, and tell him to use it to book himself a room to stay in while he finds somewhere else to live. I’d be tempted to “accidentally” smash the mug in front of him too.

TempestTost · 11/01/2026 14:03

OP, sometimes it's just hard to be inspired about gift giving, especially when you have limited funds.

Last year I had a heck of a time putting together a stocking for my son on a budget. I was also a little more busy than normal, had a lot on my mind at work and was tired, and I just could not figure out quite what to get him. Especially enough items at a low enough price point. It ended up being a bland disappointing stocking I think.

I did think about it a lot, I just kept coming up short.

It's not some kind of massive sign of lack of love.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 11/01/2026 14:05

Can you not be honest with him?

You know we are on a sticky wicket with our relationship and being cheap isn't helping your case.

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 14:05

INeedAnotherName · 11/01/2026 13:56

Do the Freedom Programme as a birthday present to yourself. It's well known that women who have one abusive relationship are at a higher risk of having another - which you do. Abuse comes in many forms and this man has you jumping through hoops at great detriment to yourself and your children, a sign of coercive control.

Open your eyes OP. Your situation is really bad.

This is an excellent idea.