To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

[JustSwan]

This is my first post so please go easy-Ok backstory- been married to dh for over 10 years…2 dc. Things are mostly fine except for this! dh’s family come across as a very normal Family except that his df was in a very high earning career and they are exceptionally frugal (to the point that actually drives me insane) and I’m known for liking a good bargain! Ok so all this money tha his df made has been siphoned off into trusts/accounts etc (same as what is father did apparently) “For the children” tbh I don’t know the full details as I’m kept in the dark on this stuff.

dh is always saying “oh the money is there, don’t worry it’s there for us and the dc when we need it” great, you would say except it’s not. Aside from 20k that we were allowed to use for our wedding, we have not used or dh hasn’t even entertained asking to use it. For example…we needed a new roof last year- we had to get a loan. One of the dc needed treatment for a medical issue, the waiting list was ridiculously long…decided to opt for private! Could we access money…no! We had to put it on a Credit Card.

This is all fine, ok not major life emergencies, we can deal with it. So here is the clincher…we were taking the other evening about the dc as one of them is enjoying a new hobby. Dh said “Wouldn’t it be great if if he followed that path?!No university costs for us, no loans for them. To which I said “well they won’t have loans anyway dh because isn’t that what the trust is for? The dc? Their future?” He squirmed and said yeah well you know I think it would be easier to make them really work for it if they want it?! Don’t you?”
Honestly I blew up…if they CANNOT use it for education then wtf is it even there for?! I asked him outright? Do these trusts even exist? Has he seen the paperwork etc? Yes he has and it’s for multiple hundreds of thousands but wouldn’t explain what the are exactly or how much extactly…he keeps me in the dark entirely!…yet while say in another breath “aren’t we so lucky that the money is there!?
I feel so led on, if we can’t use them, if dc can’t use them, then why do they exist!!what is the point. It’s like he dangles this weird carrot!

before anyone says im a gold digger of any sort im not. I only found out about these trusts after we got married. I am the higher earner in the marriage too. I just feel like the longer this goes on the more I want nothing to do with it all. What do I do or say?! Please

I do think you need to talk to him "once and for all" as you suggest OP. This is a ridiculous situation. Are you partners in life, or not? He needs to set out exactly where your joint family stand now, and in the future.

To be honest, I strongly suspect that the trust doesn't exist at all and you are just being taken for a ride because you (a) own the house, and (b) are the higher earner. Could it be that DH thinks he needs to SEEM as if he were contributing financially to the relationship? The dispatching of SIL seems to marry up with that too - ask too many questions and you are closed down and shut out. I do hope this is not fictional and your marriage is not built on this lie (perhaps not built on it but it will surely disintegrate - if the trust is a lie then your other kind of trust will be broken through the exposure of this lie).

Do not let him obfuscate or hide the reality of his financial situation anymore. He owes it to you to be honest and upfront. Make him prove that it exists.

Sorry OP, but you have married an arsehole who thinks you are reallybdim and is giving you the tun around.
Not surprised at all that he moved into YOUR house.
He's a bullshiter and you have fallen for it.
You are tge higher earner too, that had a house?
Of course you did.
God knows what you signed.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.
Wake up OP.

I don’t have any advice Op, but your DH sounds like a knob (sorry). I have however leant a lot about trusts 😂 I hope you get to the bottom of it.

I think it's perfectly obvious that the OP doesn't want to start living the high life on her DH's family Trust Fund - but just that she keeps being told "the money's there when you need it" and when they do need it (eg. to literally keep a roof over their heads) it's not forthcoming.

I know a woman who was married (now divorced for awful reasons) to a man with enormous wealth in the family, all tied up in mysterious offshore trusts. His great grandfather set up a company in the 1940s, which became hugely rich and successful, and was then sold.
She knew of the existence of the mysterious Trust Fund (the grandparents used to live in a Stately Home) but it was all very secretive.
They never saw any of it while she was married to her ex. She never sees him now (awful DV) but his father has passed away recently, so maybe he's a very rich man now.

It's definitely a tax-dodge, and also "keeps it in the family" - ie stops an outside spouse divorcing and taking half of it. There may well be strict rules/age restrictions to access it - but I would assume your DC will have a windfall one day.

What’s the point of a marriage without respect, trust, honesty, partnership? Your DH is denying you all these things.

You signed something without knowing what it was or asking for a copy of it?

It sounds like his parents, have protected their assets and also on behalf of your husband, to keep some gold digging spouse from getting her claws on it.

Yet as has been pointed out, if you divorce he can come after joint assets of the marriage. How utterly horrible.

OP Id be seriously considering how you can protect YOURSELF, asap.

My nephew got into potentially awful trouble for failing to declare interest on an account he didn't know he had, because his grandfather had opened an account for him as a baby but had never told him about it.

Insist on seeing full details of everything that is in the children's names so that you can protect their interests.

You’ve been a bit foolish by signing things you know nothing about and not protecting your solely owned asset. You need to sit your ‘d’h down and tell him to get real re; finances. He needs to earn more and chip in more now to secure you and your children’s future. Don’t be fobbed off by the mythical money. Try to find out what you signed and take independent legal advice on the implications.

At the absolute minimum, see and read the document you signed. And never sign anything without reading it again. Otherwise I agree with the comments about ignoring the money. Though it doesn't seem like an equal partnership financially, with you contributing more. I hope he does his share in other areas of your life.

I actually thought I might have written your OP in a haze of stress as I feel exactly the same!

My OH (not married, we have 2 kids) hails from an exact family dynamic like this. His parents are multi multi millionaires through the selling of his Dad’s business. Over the years his dad has given his 3 sons chunks of money; his dad controls all those decisions. His mum has no say. That’s how they have always lived.

I don’t know under what conditions it was given. Everything is hush hush and secretive in his family. I do
know my OH has stuffed it into premium
bonds, cash isas and such like. He hasn’t done any research or tried to find the best place to stash it . He states it’s ’for the kids’. But admits that wasn’t stipulated when it was given. But it’s not tied up in anything like LISAS etc, or SIPPs. He hasn’t even heard of those or interested in them. Believe me I’ve tried.

His parents (dad) hate spending money and are frugal to the extreme. My OH never spends anything beyond the absolute essentials.

We desperately need work doing on our house. He insists we get a bank loan (paid half by me) to do essential repairs.

i have refused. I refuse to work even more OT whilst he has literally hundreds of thousands of pounds stuffed away in banks etc. That he could use. But won’t.

The kids mean me leaving due to this is a big decision. But he is/ has ruined our relationship with this viewpoint.

Sorry to hijack your thread. You’re not alone.

I mean, if your husband has access to this money but is refusing to use it then that’s daft, paying interest on loans and credit cards needlessly is a massive waste of money. Insisting your children take on huge high interest debts for University when they could go debt-free is an even bigger waste of money. So, either he’s an idiot, or he does not have access to the money, in which case why is saying that he (or ‘you two’) have money when you don’t?

I would look into what you signed OP. I did exactly the same thing, turned out I had signed an agreement, for a Trust fund which meant the Trust skipped a generation and went straight to grandchildren.
This might be what you and your husband want, it certainly wasn't what I wanted.
Trust funds are a nightmare and you need to understand what you signed.

You're assuming this is all in neat legal tax efficient trusts but it could actually be under a mattress, or in a current account at the nationwide, or not exist at all - the DH won't discuss details

I don't think it would be any of your business if your DH had not told you that this money was there to be used if your kids needed it. It would drive me fucking nuts to have been told it was there if they needed it and then to be putting medical bills on credit cards and potentially getting the kids to take out loans or taking them out yourselves for education. Posters loftily accusing you of not understanding how trusts work are completely missing the point imho. Trusts work in all sorts of different ways, there could be various trusts serving different purposes, but you can't possibly understand what's going on here if your husband doesn't tell you.

How on earth can a marriage thrive on this level of secrecy and mistrust? Either he tells you what the money is for and how much and when you can access it (as a family), or he buggers off and finds another wife he can be weirdly financially controlling over.

I would simply carry on in life as though they’re not available. If your children eventually benefit then wonderful. Save yourself the stress.

Sounds like a story to me. I know you signed something but it might have been some minor thing..It's probably exaggerated or made up entirely. And frankly if your husband is that vague and almost taunting about it , then i think it's almost counting as financial abuse. Are you sure he's not being played by his own parents and that's why he's so unclear.......cos he actually doesn't really undrdtand it orcfeel confident about it himself. Ive definitely come across people who go on like this about money and property etc etc and it was all bullshit.

I do get it a tiny bit from his side. I grew up with wealthy families (we were on the working class end). Trust funds, expensive first cars, houses paid for etc. a lot of the children going to uni for free bombed out after 1 year. Agree with your previous post. Tell DH unless you are allowed to know specifics, you never want to talk about them again.

Leaving aside the trust funds, which if not fictional, appear to be so inaccessible as to be irrelevant....what does your DH contribute to your current finances? You say you are the higher earner, by how much, are you subsidising him? What is the situation with your house, you say that as far as you are concerned the house belongs to both of you, did you ever put this on a legal footing? You said that when he first moved in he needed to be told to contribute, this a huge red flag. Was his plan to live off you until the mysterious money kicked in? Sorry for all the questions, but honestly there's so much to unpick with your current setup, never mind any future finances.

YABU for spending £20k on a wedding

Cynical opinion, but id be hugely concerned:

Sounds more like your DH has done something deceitful to access money that required your signature. For instance, a secured loan against the house?

I dont believe these "trusts" exist at all. I suspect DH may have a gaming addiction or similar, and is using these "untouchable trust funds" as the cover for if he ever wins big.

If he never does, then thats why the funds are untouchable.

And of course, the constant "dont worry its there" is to keep you from pushing further.

I hope im wrong, but I fear that I may not be.

I’m late to this thread but was just about to say this…

@JustSwan - in your shoes I would consult with a family solicitor to find out where you would stand if you were ever to divorce. (Look for someone who is used to working with a forensic accountant.) I’m concerned that your house would be considered marital property, whereas his trusts might not.

I also would have insisted on total transparency and copies of all financial paperwork - but I fear that boat may have sailed long ago as your husband is clearly totally uncooperative and very secretive, and controlling.

Bottomline: the two of you are not a team and you could end up in a very vulnerable position. You need to look after your own best interests - because no one else will…

Has contributing to these family trusts effected your DH's contributions to your family unit?

This is about control. I would refuse to engage at all with their weird macho posturing and as the higher earner I would be looking at ways of keeping some money back for myself and my DC.