To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

[JustSwan]

This is my first post so please go easy-Ok backstory- been married to dh for over 10 years…2 dc. Things are mostly fine except for this! dh’s family come across as a very normal Family except that his df was in a very high earning career and they are exceptionally frugal (to the point that actually drives me insane) and I’m known for liking a good bargain! Ok so all this money tha his df made has been siphoned off into trusts/accounts etc (same as what is father did apparently) “For the children” tbh I don’t know the full details as I’m kept in the dark on this stuff.

dh is always saying “oh the money is there, don’t worry it’s there for us and the dc when we need it” great, you would say except it’s not. Aside from 20k that we were allowed to use for our wedding, we have not used or dh hasn’t even entertained asking to use it. For example…we needed a new roof last year- we had to get a loan. One of the dc needed treatment for a medical issue, the waiting list was ridiculously long…decided to opt for private! Could we access money…no! We had to put it on a Credit Card.

This is all fine, ok not major life emergencies, we can deal with it. So here is the clincher…we were taking the other evening about the dc as one of them is enjoying a new hobby. Dh said “Wouldn’t it be great if if he followed that path?!No university costs for us, no loans for them. To which I said “well they won’t have loans anyway dh because isn’t that what the trust is for? The dc? Their future?” He squirmed and said yeah well you know I think it would be easier to make them really work for it if they want it?! Don’t you?”
Honestly I blew up…if they CANNOT use it for education then wtf is it even there for?! I asked him outright? Do these trusts even exist? Has he seen the paperwork etc? Yes he has and it’s for multiple hundreds of thousands but wouldn’t explain what the are exactly or how much extactly…he keeps me in the dark entirely!…yet while say in another breath “aren’t we so lucky that the money is there!?
I feel so led on, if we can’t use them, if dc can’t use them, then why do they exist!!what is the point. It’s like he dangles this weird carrot!

before anyone says im a gold digger of any sort im not. I only found out about these trusts after we got married. I am the higher earner in the marriage too. I just feel like the longer this goes on the more I want nothing to do with it all. What do I do or say?! Please

OP your husband is lying to you. Tell him he either needs to tell you the truth or get out of your house.

@JustSwan do your children hear chatter about money “being there”? I grew up being told we’d have a significant inheritance, and my oldest sibling got their share early so it did definitely exist at one point…but once my father passed away my mother spent it all whilst still pretending it was there. It’s the lies that still hurt, and the fact she didn’t care we were making financial decisions without accurate fats. And worse of all - my brother has no relationship with us as he’s uncomfortable about the disparity in wealth/life circumstances between us…she’d led him to believe for years that we had had our money too but had frittered it away.

All of that is simply to say - you really need to sit and calmly discuss facts with your DH for your children’s sake. And never ever sign anything else without getting your solicitor to check it!!

One common use of trusts is to keep money legally protected from wives/husbands. This might be the real reason unfortunately which given you are the higher earner/I assume currently contributing more is a bit ridiculous. In a divorce he may get half your house and you get zero of his trust.

There is this and the fact he would get a share if your house, your inheritance, on divorce. And how it would impact your children if it is in their name but they cannot access it.

I think you need independent legal and financial advice.

A trust is a neat legal structure, or it isn't a Trust. It must be registered with HMRC and will have to file returns until it can demonstrate it is none tax paying. It won't be a Bare Trust as that would give access at 18 regardless, so it will be discretionary and under the relevant property rules. If you have enough money to speak in terms of trusts, you are going to get some advice and I can assure you this is not going to be notional money under the mattress.

I agree with others who are saying this is all engineered to make sure your H walks away with as much as possible and you with as little as possible in the event of a divorce. You made sure you all have a home to live in, you are the higher earner and biggest contributor to the household finances. Whatever savings and pensions you have accumulated will be shared, whatever he has set aside in the trusts won't be. Basically, what's yours is shared, what's his is his. It's not surprising that they paid for the wedding as a fancy wedding is something they can show off. For anything less visable they have no interest to pay for as they know you will have to pay.

You are the main breadwinner but your DH is basically claiming that he and his side of the family are the ones bank-rolling your family when it is actually patently untrue. These trusts are like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just a myth or a dream so your DH can feel good about himself and his family.

Tell him that you don't want to hear about this imaginary money/largesse from his family any more.

Just act like the money isnt there! Most people dont have access to a pot of money and fund their lives themselves so just work on that basis and if it appears at some point take it as a bonus. Its his parents money, completely and utterly up to them when they spend it and on what.

I agree with the posters who have said that if you divorce, your husband will be entitled to half the value of your house that you inherited and paid to buy out your sister and that he has made no contribution towards.

It is highly likely that the purpose of these trusts is to keep all the money and assets in your husband's family so that their spouses get nothing on divorce.

Your husband sounds tight and mean for expecting to move into your house yet make no financial contribution until you finally raised it with him.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I would be really suspicious about the things that your husband is telling you about these family trusts.

Speak to a solicitor to see whether you can ring-fence the assets that you brought into the marriage. I wouldn't trust your husband as far as I could throw him.

Are you paying into these accounts? What happens to your salary given that you own your home outright - do you have your own savings account as well? How old are the DC now?

Just live as though they don’t exist. Tell him you don’t want to hear about them again.

So many posters suggesting OP should just ignore that these trusts exist and ‘live her life’. As if burying one’s head in the sand was ever an effective strategy for anything!

In the meantime, HER assets - house, pensions, investments, savings - are part of marital property, whereas HIS are safeguarded in closely guarded secretive trusts which he refuses to discuss.

Absolutely this.

It sounds like the money is squirrelled away in very complex tax avoidance schemes in overseas banks. These methods are only just about legal, which is probably why no one is allowed to talk about them.

Yes speak to an experienced solicitor.

If you're in the SE try Knocker & Foskett in Sevenoaks. I'm sure they will have seen it all before!

Do you do financial planning with your husband like in terms of your mortgage and pensions and savings? If you don’t plan these things with your partner than it’s hard to argue you need to know more about what there is in the trust.

but if you plan your pensions actively then absolutely you need to know and you need to get clear answers from your husband.

to be honest tho it you don’t have savings for a new roof or medical bills for your kids then perhaps you’re not doing as much planning as an adult should be (in my opinion) and there’s a risk you’d just fritter this money away

to be honest I think you need to chat with your partner about you short, medium and long term plans for your family and align from there…. See what you can get from him regardless of the money before you fixate on the money. My preference would absolutely be to use it for education first.

Never ever do this again. You don’t need to be “financially savvy” to understand the basic rule of never signing anything you haven’t fully read and understood.

As for the imaginary money, I don’t think you’re grabby or money obsessed at all and it would be incredibly frustrating to be told there is XYZ for your children but never actually being able to benefit from it. As PP have said, just plan as if this whole trust thing is not real.

Trusts can last for 125 years, there is no time ‘they are due’

The kids trust fine, but id he’s got a trust why hasn’t he accessed funds so you don’t have to get a loan?

As far as I know, beneficiaries of a trust have to be named. Presumably that would be your DH or children. Unless the investor (FIL) dies or dissolves (correct word?) the fund, it remains their money. It's unlikely your name is on anything.

Regardless, my advice is ALWAYS look after yourself financially. I stand to inherit a decent amount but I've never taken that into account in my spending choices. I have received money from my parents over the years for specific purposes, so have no reason to doubt them but you never know what life might thrown at you. My DH and I share all our money and have equal amounts in both our names, separately and together, though I have a higher salary and much better pension than him (his choice....).

I was just thinking about this, Op, and wondering why - given you don’t have a mortgage to pay - there weren’t any savings available for the roof, medical treatment etc? Essentially, where has the money you and your husband actually earn all gone? Is he spending like you are rich because of these mysterious ‘trusts’, and/or
encouraging you to do so? Eg private school for the children when frankly
you can’t afford it? Does the money just vanish? Or has it all gone to pensions, so safe but currently inaccessible? You need to sit down and do proper family financial planning, in which these ‘trusts’ are
never mentioned nor taken into account - they are ‘jam tomorrow’ and may never materialise!

All of this.

Do you earn over tax threshold? It could have implications for you now and in the future, depending what you’ve signed

‘I was made to sign something’

OP, you were asked to sign something, nobody made you as you could have refused. I point this out so you can try and take a step back and look at this without emotion.

What did you sign? What was it for? Where is the paperwork for this?

Forcing you to sign something financial when you have no idea what it is, is coercive.
Part of a larger toxicity in your relationship.
You need legal advice.

They may well have a mortgage. OP bought her sister out, it’s not clear if that’s from savings or a mortgage.

@JustSwan I understand. It just sounds like you are after clarity, which is totally reasonable.

I would feel the same in your position. Of course, if someone says that there is a trust fund for your DH, you and your children - it's totally normal to feel appreciative and probably quite happy about it. But then if you are not told the details of when it will be available and you keep getting mixed messages from your DH - what's the point? We all want to be able to plan financially, and how can you do that if you have no idea what amount this is, or if you or your dc will ever actually be able to access it?!

I just thought, do you have a good friend or family member who your DH gets on with, and you could all have a conversation about this together? If there is an objective person there as well, your DH might be forced to give more clarity about everything, whereas with just you he might not feel he has to (out of habit).

Good point, @Mauro711, I hadn’t thought of that