To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

[JustSwan]

This is my first post so please go easy-Ok backstory- been married to dh for over 10 years…2 dc. Things are mostly fine except for this! dh’s family come across as a very normal Family except that his df was in a very high earning career and they are exceptionally frugal (to the point that actually drives me insane) and I’m known for liking a good bargain! Ok so all this money tha his df made has been siphoned off into trusts/accounts etc (same as what is father did apparently) “For the children” tbh I don’t know the full details as I’m kept in the dark on this stuff.

dh is always saying “oh the money is there, don’t worry it’s there for us and the dc when we need it” great, you would say except it’s not. Aside from 20k that we were allowed to use for our wedding, we have not used or dh hasn’t even entertained asking to use it. For example…we needed a new roof last year- we had to get a loan. One of the dc needed treatment for a medical issue, the waiting list was ridiculously long…decided to opt for private! Could we access money…no! We had to put it on a Credit Card.

This is all fine, ok not major life emergencies, we can deal with it. So here is the clincher…we were taking the other evening about the dc as one of them is enjoying a new hobby. Dh said “Wouldn’t it be great if if he followed that path?!No university costs for us, no loans for them. To which I said “well they won’t have loans anyway dh because isn’t that what the trust is for? The dc? Their future?” He squirmed and said yeah well you know I think it would be easier to make them really work for it if they want it?! Don’t you?”
Honestly I blew up…if they CANNOT use it for education then wtf is it even there for?! I asked him outright? Do these trusts even exist? Has he seen the paperwork etc? Yes he has and it’s for multiple hundreds of thousands but wouldn’t explain what the are exactly or how much extactly…he keeps me in the dark entirely!…yet while say in another breath “aren’t we so lucky that the money is there!?
I feel so led on, if we can’t use them, if dc can’t use them, then why do they exist!!what is the point. It’s like he dangles this weird carrot!

before anyone says im a gold digger of any sort im not. I only found out about these trusts after we got married. I am the higher earner in the marriage too. I just feel like the longer this goes on the more I want nothing to do with it all. What do I do or say?! Please

What would happen if you said that you feel that he doesn't trust you and can't be open with you because he has never shared any details, and you're finding it very difficult to get your head around planning for your future because you don't have any clear idea of what your finances are going to look like and it's making you very frustrated. And asked that you set some time aside (whenever) and he can show you paperwork which explains how much money there is, how and when the children can access it. Because its not fair to keep on mentioning it in a completely abstract way. And if he doesn't want to do that without a very good rationale reason then a. You don't want to hear about it again and b. You'll assume he has been bullshitting you. It's not fair to keep you in the dark about something that could materially affect your future e.g. how much money (if any) you put aside for uni, help with house deposits, pensions, retirement plans etc

If there is a trust fund that could have been used for education or health related things, but wasn't, who makes these decisions? Whats it earmarked for?

Yes years ago, I am going to talk to dh tomorrow and get this sorted once and for all! Sorry I have to go now, one of my dc has woken. I will update tomorrow.
thank you to those who understand and have given advice.

As a priority, you need to find out what you signed- it sounds as though you may have been misled, but you don’t want to find out that it gets you or the children into trouble later.

If they won’t be upfront with you, let them know that you’ll be seeking legal and financial advice so it doesn’t mess up your own financial planning. I shouldn’t imagine your in-laws want HMRC poking around. Do you have a copy of the documents you were asked to sign?

Until you have taken professional advice, I would keep savings for the children in ISAs in your own name.

I would also shut down any comments from DH about this wonderful money by replying that you have no evidence that it exists.

Can't you go on the Government website and view Grandfather's will ( for a small fee). That way you can see how much he left to your husband.

So you had a house and are the higher earner and dh constantly goes on about money in trusts that have actually never materialised or a figure even shown. Sounds like he only brings promises to the table and everything else is you

Is it possible the money is there, DH genuinely means it when he says ‘how good is it that there’s money’ - but when it comes to actually spending it, the extreme tightness/frugal attitude (that’s possible been passed down generations) means DH/his parents can’t/won’t actually spend it? Not due to dodgy/tax evasion reasons but more down to their bizarre saving for a rainy day (that never actually arrives) attitude and maybe some kind of fear that some people with money seem to have? I don’t know many people with lots of money but the two people I believe to have the most money also seem to be the tightest and the most irrational with money. One of them who is mortgage free and is probably going to inherit quite a bit is soooo tight it’s nauseating. I know that her parents never turn the heating on despite living in an ice box old house and both being elderly and at least one of them unwell. I find it utterly bizarre but it must be down to some kind of weird irrational fear or believe of not deserving it or fear of becoming poor when they are literally the opposite. Not sure I’m explaining it well. I guess I mean does DH genuinely mean it when he says it’s good there’s money but then anxiety/some kind of irrational fear of losing money overcomes him when there’s a concrete situation where it could be used? Sounds infuriating to me, and I agree with previous posters that you don’t sound grabby but you just sound like someone who wants clarity.

Well, there are many different types of trust. A will trust is only one type, so it isn’t necessary for someone to die in order to access a trust fund.

There are discretionary trusts which allow much more flexibility when it comes to accessing funds, and there are fixed trusts which tend to be very specific when it comes to how and when funds can be used.

Based on what you’ve said, I suspect he’s not being transparent with you because, despite him calling it ‘your’ money, he’s keeping it completely separate to marital finances, and not using the money for any joint venture. This may be because he’s choosing to, or it may be because he has to. Your children, when old enough, will likely be the ones to meet with a financial advisor and be given all the information they need.

You need transparency on the state of your own, you and DH, and your DCs finances.
I’d say you want (both of you) to get your affairs / will / POA etc in order and need this information to hand. Ask to see receipts.

Id be getting my ducks in a row around my personal pension and the ownership of the property… and any loans for house repairs etc would be viewed from a different lens indeed…

in keen to her the update.

What kind of family would let health issues be put on a credit card knowing the money was there?

Is it possible that although your husband knows the money exists, he doesn't actually know the full details himself??? Could it be that the reason he's vague or skirts around the issue, is because he doesn't know the answers???

Your husband's vagueness would annoy me, so I do understand your frustration. It's not about being money grabby. It's about being able to financially plan for the future.

You have Trust funds being waved around, but no real tangible information or any knowledge of the amounts involved. One minute your husband is talking as if your children can go through university without the worry of debt, and in the next breath, he's saying the children need to make their own way!! So which is it going to be???

I would plan, as if the money doesn't exist. If your husband mentions the Trust funds again, I'd roll my eyes and say 'Not the fictional Trust funds with the non-existent money again'. If he protests be blunt 'I don't want to hear about Trust funds that you don't seem to know anything about or don't want me to know anything about...I mean I'm only your wife'.

N9t all trusts give put money when the beneficiary reaches a certain age. The DH may be a beneficiary of a trust but has no control over when he gets his hands on any of it.

For example, imagine that the Blenkinsopp-Smythe's great great grandfather made his fortune from the sugar plantations in the West Indies and set up a trust to benefit his descendants. The trustees main aim might be to ensure this massive fortune is not frittered away by flighty ne'er-do-wells who want to spend the money on wine and cochineal, or who get married to women from whom they later get divorced an dto whom they have to surrender half their worldly goods. It's much safer not to give DH a couple of hundred thousand in case he has to give it away to a wretched woman!

For people who have serious wealth, the preservation of that wealth becomes and end in itself. They don't think that 'money is only useful for the good it can do and the pleasure it can bring'. They think 'I've got lots of money and the only thing better than having lots of money is to have more of it'.

Wealth changes people - and the wealthier they are, the more it changes them. It's like Tolkien's ring...

Projection…

This. There is no point in having the trust fund if it is of no benefit to the ‘beneficiaries’.

One other thought - money in trusts isn’t necessarily liquid - you may not be able to access it quickly and may need to give notice (eg 90 days etc.) or it may be invested in property, companies, etc. and not easily accessed at all for small costs such as a roof or medical expenses. In those instances taking a small loan or popping on a card may well make more financial sense, backward though it may seem.

it may also be your spouse doesn’t actually know the ins and outs or specific amounts. Up until recently, I didn’t know the exact details of my parents financials, and I’m fairly sure my siblings still do not - it’s not that unusual to be told there are investments / grandchildren will be provided for etc. but not to know / be able to access them.

Generational wealth exists because generally people don’t spend it on day to day living. It’s a little perverse but it is genuinely just how it is in some families.

This absolute nonsense will slowly eat away at you, it would anyone, lots of grandparents have trusts set up to pay for private ed for the grand kids, its also a tax dodge,has this ever been mentioned?
You are a high earner, your house, get rid of him, tell him to move back in with mummy they can sit counting their trust funds that dont exist.
If they did exist and are for 'rainy days' the fact your little one needed an operation and quickly there should have been no question of giving your the ££ for it, they sound a mean vile family

Well yes, if the purpose is to maintain and grow wealth for future generations. Money isn’t just there to be spent or lost in divorce, but to offer stability and security.

Because if you got divorced, you'd not be entitled to any of that money, whereas he would be entitled to half of yours. Can you set up your own trust for DC, pay into it, refuse to tell him any details, and force him to chip in more towards your bills because you're saving for DC future?

This is a very good point. Did you say the house is yours? Get that put in trust for your kids.

Family trusts are normally done to avoid inheritance tax (though the current government is trying to close that loophole), but they can also be created for other reasons, especially to protect family assets in the case of a difficult divorce.

Please ignore dadtoteen who is either a troll or has an agenda. It is outrageous that you are kept in the dark, I wonder if you’re being taken for a fool. Otherwise, your oh is someone who plans on being the richest corpse in the graveyard

Really it wasn’t. If OP had phrased her first post as a desire for transparency within the marriage and the other very reasonable concerns that have come up since, I would have responded differently. The emphasis of the first post was however on the fact that the inlaws weren’t paying for enough things, and that’s what I found uncomfortable.

My husband was kiek this about even spending our money when I was in absolute dire need to use soem money and not spending it sent me into a breakdown thag cost me every singe thjgn and made me so disabled k now can’t work

Money in trusts is often a way to ensure spouses don't get any of it in a divorce. With you being the main breadwinner and you saying he often dangles the carrot, I'm wondering if he's using it so you will keep him in a lifestyle he likes without risking any of his own money?

You're beginning to sound very pissed off with him, and as you reveal more about the way he talks about the money but won't be transparent about it, I can see why.

I agree with PP that, at least as far as you and the DC are concerned, you need to act as though those trusts don't exist. So that might mean you deciding you have to cut back on some things so you can put more money aside for your DC's schooling. But if he is insisting the trusts exist, maybe it's his expenses you can cut back on and he can decide if the trusts are worth accessing for himself?

I think this is a good way to start.

It seems he is happy to live in the house you own, and benefit from the fact you are the higher earner, but isn't prepared to use the money he has inherited from his Grandparents to contribute to your household or your family.

I would be seriously concerned about this.

How does he think this is reasonable ?

Yes, exactly this. That's what it's for

Practically this makes a lot of sense.

I agree with this too -
No I absolutely understand what you mean, financial planning as a couple involves asking eg how much do we need to save for retirement? How big a student loan will the DC need? What size house should we buy? Can we afford to gift the DC a house deposit?
Having unspecified money in an unspecified place to be used at an unspecified time...it's not very useful is it?

You have to assume there is nothing there, and repeatedly say to dh that you don't want to hear any more about his fantasies as everything for your family is provided by you. If there is any truth in stories about him inheriting from his Grandparents, or in his father having set up trusts for your dc, then he needs to come up with detail, and evidence of them. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. There is something very wrong about him not only hoarding money whilst you (as a couple) are having to borrow money, but also the secrecy element of it.

Where there’s a trust, there’s one or more trustees.

And trusts are not only about when people die. I have known people that put millions in offshore trusts to avoid taxation.

Trustees for offshore trusts can also be controlled in some provinces by Trust Protectors that control what the trustees do. For example one spouse (Settlor) puts stuff in trust, the other spouse is the Protector.

Ask to see the Trust Deeds.