To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

[JustSwan]

This is my first post so please go easy-Ok backstory- been married to dh for over 10 years…2 dc. Things are mostly fine except for this! dh’s family come across as a very normal Family except that his df was in a very high earning career and they are exceptionally frugal (to the point that actually drives me insane) and I’m known for liking a good bargain! Ok so all this money tha his df made has been siphoned off into trusts/accounts etc (same as what is father did apparently) “For the children” tbh I don’t know the full details as I’m kept in the dark on this stuff.

dh is always saying “oh the money is there, don’t worry it’s there for us and the dc when we need it” great, you would say except it’s not. Aside from 20k that we were allowed to use for our wedding, we have not used or dh hasn’t even entertained asking to use it. For example…we needed a new roof last year- we had to get a loan. One of the dc needed treatment for a medical issue, the waiting list was ridiculously long…decided to opt for private! Could we access money…no! We had to put it on a Credit Card.

This is all fine, ok not major life emergencies, we can deal with it. So here is the clincher…we were taking the other evening about the dc as one of them is enjoying a new hobby. Dh said “Wouldn’t it be great if if he followed that path?!No university costs for us, no loans for them. To which I said “well they won’t have loans anyway dh because isn’t that what the trust is for? The dc? Their future?” He squirmed and said yeah well you know I think it would be easier to make them really work for it if they want it?! Don’t you?”
Honestly I blew up…if they CANNOT use it for education then wtf is it even there for?! I asked him outright? Do these trusts even exist? Has he seen the paperwork etc? Yes he has and it’s for multiple hundreds of thousands but wouldn’t explain what the are exactly or how much extactly…he keeps me in the dark entirely!…yet while say in another breath “aren’t we so lucky that the money is there!?
I feel so led on, if we can’t use them, if dc can’t use them, then why do they exist!!what is the point. It’s like he dangles this weird carrot!

before anyone says im a gold digger of any sort im not. I only found out about these trusts after we got married. I am the higher earner in the marriage too. I just feel like the longer this goes on the more I want nothing to do with it all. What do I do or say?! Please

Whether the £ exists or not is irrelevant with people like this. Just assume you won’t see it.

Use your finest tinkly laugh to tell all DH and GP friends they’re upsetting the children with empty promises.

‘The little ones were so looking forward to Disneyland but Nanny changed her mind again!’

No, I just hope for transparency like I have with DH even from before we were engaged. He knows I inherited my house from my dm and then I bought out my dsis. He was happy to move in and not hand any money over to me until I sat him down and spoke about what he needed to pay towards the house (and we were married at this point!) We are married now so it belongs to both of us. He knows where I stand financially yet I am on the other hand have no idea where he stands.

I usually think like that, but agree with the other posters. That money - if it exists - could have been used to protect OP from hardship, but no, it’s has to be dangled over her without her being allowed to benefit from it.

If the money keeps on being mentioned I’d consider leaving TB. Why are you supposed to be grateful for such indifference?

Yes I can see how it would be frustrating to not know where you stand and maybe that’s why your first post came across the way it did. But the tone did jar with me.

I would act as though the money doesn’t exist and make sure that your DH knows never to talk about it or bank on it unless he’s willing to make full disclosure.

I’d definitely be saving for the DCs’ uni.

Sounds. Like your DH has form for being tight and right from the getgo.

Not an attractive trait at all. As of now I'd be making him pay his fair share into the family coffers if he doesn't already.

It's not just money he's opaque with though.

Does he have redeeming features that make his feinting, refusal to share information and make you equal/comfortable worthwhile?

He lives in your house. He earns less than you. He won't tell you the truth.

It's pretty damning.

I think people mistakenly believe that there is some sort of “real world” where everyone has to work for everything and privilege is somehow not an advantage.

The fact is that a financial leg up makes life many times easier for young people. Not having to work alongside Uni means they can focus on their studies. Having the money for a Masters or to allow them to take unpaid internships etc can make all the difference to accessing certain carers.

Yes, it’s possible to work for these things with no help, but it’s a hell of a lot harder.

For example - my auntie has (brilliantly, I’m not envious) made a lot of money and it’s allowed my cousins to access careers that you almost can’t go into if you don’t have some family money - again not jealous as they weren’t careers I even thought about, and I pursued the career I wanted, but just saying it’s never a bad thing to have money. My cousins are also lovely and not in any way spoiled (much younger than me too).

I would say “Fred - I know there is no money! I don’t know if you lied or your dad is the liar but just stop pretending. It is pathetic. And it makes me see you as pathetic. Just stop now and never pretend about the money again.”

So your "d"h now owns half a house that he didn't put a penny into?

And you have no idea what assets he has? I hate to say this OP but I think you really need to see a solicitor and also get financial advice just in case the marriage goes tits up.

Protect yourself and your kids now. Expect the best that you'll have a long and happy marriage but plan for the worst, just in case you do divorce in the future.

One common use of trusts is to keep money legally protected from wives/husbands. This might be the real reason unfortunately which given you are the higher earner/I assume currently contributing more is a bit ridiculous. In a divorce he may get half your house and you get zero of his trust.

I dunno. I think the next time he mentions them and how lucky you are. I'd say 'you're a liar, they don't exist so stfu about them, it's weird'.

I'd want to see the paperwork on what you signed for as well. That's dodgy shit right there. Tell him to sort it out or there are going to be real problems in the marriage.

Demand full transparency. You’re married ffs. Completely unacceptable to be kept completely in the dark.

OK fair enough some people might have a secret « fuck off » fund. But this is something else!

This.

I hate this. I hate that no one is being transparent with you, and keeping you in the dark about financial matters that are your business.
it’s just wild to me that the family is withholding information from you. It would be reasonable to ask for facts, because keeping you in ignorance is not protecting you or your children.

Trusts are to avoid having to pay tax and to ensure that the money I. Them can only be paid for the purposes defined by whoever set up the trust. The person setting up the trust decides:

• who he wants the trust to benefit (the beneficiaries, which cannot include him)
• who he wants to administer the trust and give the money out (the trustees)
• what he wants the money to be used for - when one of the beneficiaries asks for some money from the trust, it is up to the trustees to decide whether giving it out satisfies the aims of the trust

There is no requirement for the person who set up the trust to be dead for money to be paid out. Trusts are often set up for the benefit of a person's descendents - which covers the family for generations to come - but the money is still given out at the discretion of the trustees - so if they disapprove of the reason you want the money, and can argue that its use for, say, the building of an annexe over your garage, is against the intentions for the trust, then they will refuse to disburse the cash

I don't know what you have had to sign, OP, but you should absolutely know what it is, because usually when you sign something you are agreeing to accept responsibility. You'd better be aware what that responsibility is. Have you been made a trustee? A signatory to the trust?

I would want to know the ins and outs of all of this, and if my spouse was unwilling to tell me I would raise merry hell. Especially since 'your' house will be part of the joint marital assets in the event of a divorce, but the trusts are unlikely to be. So he's got his teeth into your family money but you haven't got any rights over his.

They certainly don't seem to have considered your ex-sil as family - do they think any better of you!

The husband claims to have money in trust in his own name, which if it was true he should be able to access to fix his own roof, no? It's pretty fucking weird to go on about having money and then not be willing or able to use it when you need it.

How is making them take out student loans to pay for university 'making them work for it'? It's making them get into debt for it which is not the same thing and arguably teaching the opposite of working for it!

Maybe he has been fed this bullshit, and doesn't know any more about it than you do. 🤔

Being told there is money there for a rainy day, but then having to put medical treatment on a CREDIT CARD would be a
line in the sand for me.

And I agree with previous poster who articulated that you’ve no clue about how much you should be saving to pay for your future big ticket items - uni, pension, a big house repair, etc.

There are a few goady responses which I’d ignore. You don’t sound grabby at all. The disrespect keeping you in financial insecurity and ignorance is horrid.

Tbh it sounds like tax avoidance to me and it's possible that your FIL won't tell you how much is set aside because he may spend it himself in the future.
I'd cross it off your list of things to think about.
If it ever comes good, treat it like a lottery win.

This ^^

I mean, rather obviously, you need a sit down and a serious chat with your Dh about what exactly is in place for the dc. It’s even true? Why is he being so evasive? Because it’s just not true?

Have you actually signed anything?

Next time dh mentions money of any sort remind him unless HIS trust money is in HIS account he is as fucking skint as the next man..
Presumably he is past the age a trust is paid out? 18/25/30. When is his due to him? Pension age?
So he's happy to reap the reward of your inheritanced home but not share /insist he has his? Scared of mummy is he?