To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

[JustSwan]

This is my first post so please go easy-Ok backstory- been married to dh for over 10 years…2 dc. Things are mostly fine except for this! dh’s family come across as a very normal Family except that his df was in a very high earning career and they are exceptionally frugal (to the point that actually drives me insane) and I’m known for liking a good bargain! Ok so all this money tha his df made has been siphoned off into trusts/accounts etc (same as what is father did apparently) “For the children” tbh I don’t know the full details as I’m kept in the dark on this stuff.

dh is always saying “oh the money is there, don’t worry it’s there for us and the dc when we need it” great, you would say except it’s not. Aside from 20k that we were allowed to use for our wedding, we have not used or dh hasn’t even entertained asking to use it. For example…we needed a new roof last year- we had to get a loan. One of the dc needed treatment for a medical issue, the waiting list was ridiculously long…decided to opt for private! Could we access money…no! We had to put it on a Credit Card.

This is all fine, ok not major life emergencies, we can deal with it. So here is the clincher…we were taking the other evening about the dc as one of them is enjoying a new hobby. Dh said “Wouldn’t it be great if if he followed that path?!No university costs for us, no loans for them. To which I said “well they won’t have loans anyway dh because isn’t that what the trust is for? The dc? Their future?” He squirmed and said yeah well you know I think it would be easier to make them really work for it if they want it?! Don’t you?”
Honestly I blew up…if they CANNOT use it for education then wtf is it even there for?! I asked him outright? Do these trusts even exist? Has he seen the paperwork etc? Yes he has and it’s for multiple hundreds of thousands but wouldn’t explain what the are exactly or how much extactly…he keeps me in the dark entirely!…yet while say in another breath “aren’t we so lucky that the money is there!?
I feel so led on, if we can’t use them, if dc can’t use them, then why do they exist!!what is the point. It’s like he dangles this weird carrot!

before anyone says im a gold digger of any sort im not. I only found out about these trusts after we got married. I am the higher earner in the marriage too. I just feel like the longer this goes on the more I want nothing to do with it all. What do I do or say?! Please

I’d also be pissed off and wouldn’t allow DH to talk about it.

Similarly, my mum is always telling people (and me) how she’s going to do this and that for me and my children. “I’ll pay for a cleaner for you”, “I’ll babysit once a month so you and husband can get out” etc - this used to result in lots of thanks and appreciation until I realised it’s all empty promises, looking for immediate gratification without delivering. Now when she does it, I literally say “I’ll believe it when I see it” and leave it at that.

Your husband wants his family to get lots of gratification and for you to feel good about something that may never happen. Nope. Either he shows you exactly what’s going to happen in the future with the trusts or he forgets all about it and plans for zero help.

I totally appreciate your frustration OP.
Unfortunately you can't change people's attitudes to money.
I totally get the dangling carrot theme.
As hard as it is, you will need to learn to Detach.
This is costing you too much

Sounds like he's controlling and wants to keep you on the back foot/2nd tier of the family in more ways than one.

His mum sounds a piece of work too.

Do his family run a business OP? Are they farmers or landowners in some way?

It is annoying. My parents are wealthy. They tell me about their finances, how they’re managing the money. How much they can give us tax-wise etc… They still haven’t given me any.

I’m not bothered anymore. I don’t get onto the topic anymore. But recently, my mother said “oh we’d love to take GC on a Disney Cruise” Lovely! Then… “You’d have to start saving for it”

No. No land that I’m aware of. Not farmers either but his gf and father had a private business I think.

A trust or whatever account you signed for can have 50p in it, OP. Most don’t have less than k15 & they’re often set up in families to avoid spouses getting anything, incidentally.

It’s quite difficult to give money for or to young children these days because of ID checks and banking security.

I’d look up what you as a parent have to do to set up & run an account for DC, and you’ll know if it exists by whether you’ve done it or not.

You’re being teased, unpleasantly. Your DC will be too.

You wouldn’t be the first person to be conned by tales of riches from those you’re supposed to trust.

Tell the DC that grandad and daddy often tell silly stories to make themselves look good, and everyone knows silly liars aren’t worth listening to.

If my DH was like that and I was the high earner I would make damn sure I was saving as hard as I could in ISAs and pensions to look after myself and the kids. That would include pressurising DH having to put more money into savings and household expenses. I honestly wouldn’t believe that trust money is actually there and would act accordingly.

No I absolutely understand what you mean, financial planning as a couple involves asking eg how much do we need to save for retirement? How big a student loan will the DC need? What size house should we buy? Can we afford to gift the DC a house deposit?

Having unspecified money in an unspecified place to be used at an unspecified time...it's not very useful is it?

And presumably if some is in the dcs names they'll have to declare the interest when they start earning and paying tax - or they'll be massively in the shit if they ever claim UC and it turns out there's a million quid in an account somewhere with their name on they didn't know about!

My ex-husband is also from a wealthy family. He was also vague and evasive about money for years. I just thought that was his way. It was exasperating but I trusted him. I should not have done. He was being vague and evasive so as to keep me in the dark about his massive financial deception. After 30 years of (I thought happy) marriage, he screwed me over and left me for someone else.

I'm not saying this is the case with your husband, OP. Just - look after yourself.

God it just gets worse! I feel sick!

The grandparents are dead.

They have apparently left money in trust but it appears to be Schrödinger's trust in that it simultaneously both exists for the kids benefit (in theory) and doesn't (in reality).

Why the fuck would your fil pay for your wedding or to fix your roof? Aside from that, tell your dh to stfu about the trust funds and his family money until its actually available.

Unfortunately, you’ll find that these frugal (tight!) attitudes to money are passed down the generations so the likelihood of you ever seeing the money or being able to spend it is very slim.
It will always be squirelled away for a rainy day that never comes.

Schrödinger's trust 😂

read my posts…fil hasn’t paid for anything and I don’t expect him to. There is money in accounts or trusts or something that my DH keeps reminding me of yet when it comes to the crunch will NOT use the money. He did access 20k for our wedding. Thats all.

I have to deal with this, it's beyond draining and confusing and every time I get sucked in and start to believe I might not have to worry or pay back a giant loan (taken out in promise of something being paid for) I feel a fucking idiot all over again.

IMHE it's all about control, about reeling you in, keeping you in line and the power of dangling this mysterious money that is 'mine' apparently. I just respond with a 'un huh?' and ignore and try not to run up any more debt.

It's all a genuine way of avoiding paying tax (as opposed to evading which is illegal). As far as I am aware no one has to die either they just cannot access or benefit from any of the money once it is in trust. So for example if a building is in a trust the person who put it in to the trust cannot stay there.

The only reason we have a house is because my dm died and left it to me…I bought my dsis out. We never got to the point where we discussed buying a house. It was my house

It’s extremely unpleasant behaviour - follows my Bad Family motto that the louder they promise help, the less you get.

Protect the DC.

DC need shielding from false hope - fake promises of lovely holidays, extras at school, trips and fun.

Darling Granny is only offering the cruelty of disappointment.

I would definitely feel the same as you, I don't think thats grabby at all. You're not asking for money, but he keeps saying there is lots but you're not allowed to know details. That's so patronising and annoying.
If you're the higher earner, what happens when you have a big expense like the new roof? Do you pay half then he has to make up the half using his trust money?

Because if you got divorced, you'd not be entitled to any of that money, whereas he would be entitled to half of yours. Can you set up your own trust for DC, pay into it, refuse to tell him any details, and force him to chip in more towards your bills because you're saving for DC future?

Tell me you know nothing about trusts, without saying you know nothing 🙄

I would do exactly this OP.

Could you get independent financial advice about protecting your interests and those of your children? That way you could document exactly what you do and don't know about what is in trust for your children should anything arise in future.

I’m going to go against the grain and say that it’s their money and all this talk about wanting to “access” it jars with me. No doubt you’ll inherit a nice sum when they die but until then they aren’t obliged to cover your family’s bills.

Even the way you describe them as frugal jars, as if you’re implying they’re mean and stingy to not be writing you massive cheques every five minutes. You say their money has been “siphoned off into trusts/accounts” - again, “siphoned off” has an undercurrent of accusation to it. Sounds to me like they’re just being sensible with how their invest it which most high earners are.

And I’m not sure why you blew up at your DH for suggesting it would be good for your children to work for things. That sounds like good parenting to me? They will one day inherit a lot of money, no bad thing to make sure they also have a work ethic.

Honestly you just sound quite resentful that they didn’t hand over all their cash to you on marriage. Is that what you had hoped for?

I’d be a bit worried about exactly what I had signed to be honest

You need to find out exactly what you signed OP. Demand a copy. You could have signed away all your rights, or even the DCs, and be left with nothing in a divorce or even his death. You could be incurring punitive tax costs or you could be done for tax evasion.

You need to know.

Oh good grief stop speculating on shit you don’t understand 🙄 That is exactly why trusts are used to avoid those sort of conflicts.