To wish DS had pursued a more lucrative branch of law

[Calypos]

My DS is 28, I'm well aware he is an adult, he can do what he wishes and his happiness is paramount. He did his undergrad in International Relations and Politics and his since gone down the law path and is 2 years PQE. He opted for civil liberties law, his justification was he felt no passion elsewhere. He is incredibly intelligent.
The issue I have is for the work he does I feel he is underpaid especially when you compare to other solicitors in London or those in finance/consultancy. He could have taken a different path but chose not to. His long term gf is similar, incredibly intelligent but works in a relatively low paying career as she is passion about it.
They do have some fallback in that she inherited from her grandparents and was able to buy a flat without a mortgage, but I do often wonder how they will be able to afford a family home, raising children etc. I am aware that he still has room to grow and could make a decent living, but I can't help but look at my friends ho have children in consultancy or corporate law and think he is wasting his talents in a low paid role (comparatively). I understand there is probably a higher degree of job satisfaction but I feel panic for him.

AIBU to wish he had pursued something more lucrative and worry that the path he has chosen might burn him in the future?

He's not wasting his talents OP. The reverse. he is putting them to excellent use in a career where they will ,ake a true difference in the world.

My adult DSs met up with old school friends recently. The ones in Finance already hate it. They are miserable. In their twenties. My DC - both got Firsts from great unis, are earning less in jobs they love. (Although ironically, DS2 worked out that per hour, he earns more in his creative industry job than his finance friends who frequently work 60 hour weeks on graduate salaries.)

Listen to Rutger Bregman's Reith lectures or read his book Moral Ambition and reframe your values. They may have a smaller house, long term. But they may well be happier. Money and financial status aren't everything. DH and I have the shabbiest house and drive the cheapest car among our friends in our very genteel commuter village. But we have one of the happiest marriages and closest relationships with our DC because we chose time over income.

And if his girlfriend already has a mortgage free flat, isn't that worth the equivalent of them both being in much higher paid jobs but saddled with a mortgage?

I'm an ex City lawyer married to a current City lawyer. In the years since we started work there have been at least four stress-related suicides at DH's firm. I used to work 36 hours straight fairly regularly. City law pays well because it's a pretty punishing lifestyle. I would absolutely not wish it on anyone who wasn't 100% determined it was what they wanted to do.

Your son sounds like he's doing well in an area of law he cares about. You need to get a grip.

Listen to Rutger Bregman's Reith lectures or read his book Moral Ambition and reframe your values

This. His book is excellent

So they are mortgages free, and both really happy in there jobs. But this isn’t good enough for you.

"but I can't help but look at my friends ho have children in consultancy or corporate law and think he is wasting his talents in a low paid role"

Comparison is the thief of joy.

You have a successful, caring, intelligent son, who sounds like he is driven by passion, has a good relationship, and has more money than the majority in the UK and has his health.

I have worked most of my life for various charities, I have earned a lot less than I could have with other careers. But I am not driven by money. I have lived an amazing life. My kids actually saw me and we had time together as they grew up. I live in an amazing place with superb greenspace. The world is a better place due to the work I have done for over 30 years. I am happy, healthy and wealthier than average in the UK.

Should I have chosen a shitty corporate career that would have potentially seen the world a worse place, excess hours and stress mean I would not have seen my kids, I would have had to live in the shthle that is London, I would have probably had a much 'poorer' life in many ways. Is this what you want for your son so you can say he is rich?

Sorry, but your attitude is awful and I have sympathy for your son to have this quietly eating at you.

I think it’s tempting to think that his life would be easier/better if he had followed a more lucrative path in law (as money does make certain things more accessible/easier) but you’re missing such a huge chunk of what’s important here - is your son happy?

I have worked in the type of high paying firms you are talking about and have friends who have been in others and I wouldn’t say it is an easy path and I certainly saw people either stick at it and suffer massively (mental health wise) or quit. These are people, like your DS, who are intelligent, capable and hardworking. They could’ve worked their way all the way up the ranks if they wanted to but decided that they didn’t buy into that culture and opted for areas of law with more room for a personal life/sense of purpose/satisfaction.

Of course, there are also plenty who absolutely love that environment and thrive but that clearly isn’t your son as he doesn’t seem interested in it (and you need that interest/drive at the very least to survive in one!).

Very gently, I would focus on your son’s happiness and job satisfaction way more than his pay cheques and maybe take this as a chance to reflect on why you put such weight on his financial situation rather than his overall wellbeing.

It's only natural to worry. If he was in a more lucrative career and very unhappy you'd probably be more worried, I would be. He's fortunate to be working in his chosen profession, and to have a GF who is well-off property wise and happy in her career also. They are not as materialistic as you, but they'll be ok!

This!

I was at the Criminal Bar not because I wanted an easy life (lol) but because I felt like I was making a real difference to people's lives.

I also worked through nights, took my laptop on every holiday (including my honeymoon), worked most evenings, weekends, 15hr+ days. Making a mistake and screwing someone's life up wasn't an option, so I threw my soul into it, even though I often ended up in my overdraft and desperately hoping that someone would pay me eventually.

It is absolutely NOT the secondary path for slackers or the less able. We need our best to go into publicly funded law, I just wish we treated people better for making that choice.

It was terrible for my bank balance but good for my souls. Unfortunately bad also for work life balance and my mental and physical wellbeing (hence I left).

I gave it up when I realised that having 6w off with my first baby was the most rested I felt in a decade. That most people find a baby knackering, not like a 6 week spa break, and maybe that was an indication I should get more balance. 😂

@Calypos "He opted for civil liberties law, his justification was he felt no passion elsewhere"

There's your answer. It's great if you have a passion for your work. Imho that counts for an awful lot, and it's also valuable and valued work (and better paid than a lot of things).

Law isn't a career you can do long term unless you have a passion/love for your practice area.

The hours are long and it's a predominantly thankless career. Also, in all but the top end firms the salaries are fairly 'normal for professional/graduate' (and not the six-figure sums people seem to believe every solicitor earns), and in the firms with the higher salaries they absolutely take their pound of flesh in the sense of the hours they expect you to put in for it.

Better to be doing something you love with reasonable money and a semblance of work-life balance.

Source - also a solicitor, doing public sector defence work

My sons are going to potentially be a chef and a rally driver with supermarket night shifts as a wage. They both went to private school both smart and clever and both happy as bloody Larry!!

Its not even remotely crossed my mind that they should have done better or earn more they are on the planet once they both do jobs they love.

I find your post really sad, and hope your son never finds it.

This

Exactly this.

To me, success in life isn't about how much money I make - it's whether I did my best to make the world a better place. Civil liberties over corporate law fulfils that brief.

I'm reminded of an extremely awkward dinner party moment a couple of years ago - the man next to me said he was a lawyer, I asked what area, he mumbled something about corporations and tax loopholes. I assumed it would be along the lines of prosecuting tax evaders and said that was very admirable and must be very fulfilling.

Obviously his job was actually to help corporations find tax loopholes. As I said, awkward. He looked ashamed, at least.

Oh please. He’s hardly on the breadline. How many 28yo are mortgage free?? Please don’t mention your thinking to him. You sound super critical.

"but I can't help but look at my friends ho have children in consultancy or corporate law and think he is wasting his talents in a low paid role (comparatively)"

Some people might consider that work pointless and mid-life crisis inducing when they're older.

It's up to him what he does with his life (if he's not sponging off you).

Just be proud of your son, he sounds wonderful.

I'm the "low paid" with a more social justice type job person in my sibling group. I have the best life out of all of us. I enjoy my work, it's reasonable and I get pleasure out of it every day.

One sibling earns over 100k, has her kids in childcare 7-6 each day and I would never swap my life for theirs.

So it sounds like your son is:

Intelligent, hardworking and educated.
Passionate about his work.
In a stable long term relationship with a woman who is also intelligent, hardworking, educated and passionate about her work.

He sounds happy and fulfilled. Well done, you have officially achieved parenting nirvana.

You should be popping champagne and patting yourself on the back for a job well done.

What does he earn?

This. If they have a property without a mortgage then they are already better off than most of the population. No mortgage plus a career you are passionate about is winning in my opinion

Gutted for you that you have raised such a failure.

2 lawyers, who already own a mortgage free flat? I think they’ll manage somehow…

I left a similarly low paid sphere of law 5 years ago for a corporate job.

I regret my decision every day but and if we hadn't bought a bigger house I'd go back in a heart beat. I get no satisfaction from my work and dread it every day.

If he's happy be happy for him.

I think you have the wrong priorities tbh. He has a career which he loves, he sees as worthwhile and productive and he obviously has values which are different from just chasing the money. In other words, a son to be proud of. Will he be able to afford private education and second homes? Probably not, but he has purpose in life. And he has a career which will pay him enough.

You are too invested in what he should be doing and wanting to realise your dreams via him. You want to brag about his achievements to your friends. He has his own dreams. My son has just turned down a role in a gambling firm which was very well paid as he realised he just doesn’t want to work on that industry. My initial thought was that he was mad but then gave my head a wobble and am proud.

Just saw he's 28 and mortgage free.

Fuck getting a better paying job concentrate on getting him married 😂

After graduation I did a PhD and a friend became a management consultant working 14 hour days. I know which one of us was happier.

My DB and I were also left money and I put mine towards a flat in London. I now no longer live in London (so my not-massive salary goes further) and we rent out that flat (so have even more income).