Tired of always having a child with me

[itsallgonetomush]

I know it is a bit unreasonable.

Two kids, 5 and 2. I literally always have one or both. I get time to myself at work in theory but work is rushed and manic so not particularly enjoyable. And nursery is right near work. So I go from nursery drop off to work to pick up to home and on my days off and weekends / holidays obviously always have my children.

I was naive before I had them and thought it would be lovely because obviously my amazing parenting would mean they were a delight to be around not that they aren’t but they obviously are just normal kids and very hard work

I think I’m still run down after the stress fest that was the Christmas holidays. But does anyone else struggle with lack of time to yourself? Or have you adjusted better than me to motherhood?

Next year (as in from September - teachers tend to think in academic years) I think I will increase DDs nursery days from two to three, as I’ll have a bit more money then and I can’t wait. And that’s only eight months away …

I think it is universal. When I just had ds he was a lot of work; he consumed me, I was tired and it was relentless. Then I had dd and suddenly only having ds was like a holiday 😂

I’m with you OP, it’s really hard. I’m in similar circumstances (husband works away mon-fri, one grandparent who is far away and not in great health but could support for emergencies, and my mum is dead). It’s really hard.

mine are 7 and 3, and it definitely gets easier.
we use all our annual leave for school holidays, although we aren’t teachers that comes with its own challenges as we get 12 weeks of annual leave and need to cover 13 weeks school holidays. We have a direct debit into the tax free childcare account every month so that when holidays roll around, we can book holiday club without worrying about the financial implications. I can have an actual day off to myself. The youngest goes to a year round nursery. Also I do a sport on a Friday evening and sometimes on a weekend. Exercise is great for my mental health and My husband doesn’t have a problem with it, I’m sure he would have something to say if I was spending £100/month and 4 hours a week at the pub though! And the kids rarely do separate activities - one will have to watch the other or be entertained on the sidelines to free up the other parent for alone time.

if you feel guilty about not being with the children then that suggests you feel it is wrong to have time to yourself. I personally feel it is essential for me to have time to myself, it helps me recharge, my husband has an amazing bond with the children and is fully capable of running the house , looking after children and also has a very senior high stress job. Having time to myself makes me a better parent.
I think you really have to ask yourself what you want. If you want time to yourself then that is absolutely within your control but you may have to actively change your mindset. If you think it’s wrong to have time to yourself then we have very different values. Tomorrow afternoon could’ve good for your husband to take them to the activity and for you to have the afternoon to yourself.

Yep I completely get this. My youngest going to primary school was the first time I had any proper time on my own. Before that, they’d been at nursery and I was at work. It was an absolute revelation. GP also never took them just because. Ever. Never ever had a sleepover. That was over 20 years ago now and I still remember how hard it was.

Thank you, it honestly feels incredible when others get it and you realise you aren’t just crap 😂

Was your children's father around?

It is hard at those ages and, like you, we didn't have any help and had to pay for a babysitter for very rare nights out together. The only break was after their bedtime really. Xxx

How much extra money do you have a month, OP? Take away luxuries like leg waxing.

I don’t have children myself but I have lots of friends with children who feel the same. It is not always a husband problem. It’s a society problem where parenting is often not portrayed realistically. People are less likely to be helped by their families the same way it used to be 30-50 yrs ago. There is often “no village”. Raising children is hard and your feelings are valid.

God hardly any

The leg wax might seem a luxury but I have quite limited mobility due to an old injury - I can’t shave. And it’s only £16.

You can’t think of a single thing I do in the evening!

go for a drink, food, cinema, meet a friend, go to the shops and look around alone, sit and read a book or listen to a podcast?

i honestly don’t know how your managing op and aren’t completely burnt out!! if I never got my breaks from parenting I’d crack up.

I need to skip at least 2 bedtimes in the week to not feel completely done in. the morning and evening routine of drop offs and pick ups at various locations is hard enough without having to do it all in the evenings too or getting a weekend to yourself.

my kids fight and it’s way easier to keep them separated- but I’d rather take them out alone together or get husband to so we each get the time alone - it’s worth it.

Yes my life Is like this since becoming a single mom to 3 since twins were babies and eldest at pre school - I’ve also always worked full time to boot

yes sometimes it’s enjoyable and sometimes not and no I don’t get a moments peace. I crave it sometimes but the alternative is still fresh on my mind so I focus on the little things which make the day better. Oh and avoid social media posts by “influencers” who make out motherhood is some ridiculously lovely fairytale Disney film

to me your husband sounds like he’s doing what he can - his salary enables you to work “very” part time in your words - if it didn’t you’d have to juggle full time work as well - trust me that’s worth a lot (more than many women on MN would care to admit) and maybe you need to focus on what you have (rather than have not) and look to in 18 months time when things become easier

He needs to pull his weight

OP works "part time" as a teacher. She quite possibly does 30 hours pw.

Not sure quite what you’re looking for from this thread based on some replies but I wanted to say firstly, solidarity because yes it is hard and it is relentless. I have three young kids and a FT job and even with a v supportive brilliant husband of course it is knackering and non stop. Part of it is probably accepting that, knowing it will pass, and trying to enjoy it wherever you can.

The second part - though - and I’ve slowly slowly learnt it the hard way (after numerous illnesses caused by stress and NOT finding solutions) is that you do at some point have to just find some fixes. Complain for a bit, totally, but then figure out how you CAN ease the burden and pressure on yourself. Because it’s not impossible and it has to be done or you’ll burn out. For me that is going to see a film or getting a massage, or dinner with friends once a month. Then in smaller ways through the day - what can make things easier? When your DH is home can you sneak in a 20 min walk while he does bath time? Can you call your mate while you cook dinner so it feels more fun? Personally the sound of your weekends also exhausts me on reading! I need one day per weekend to sort the house out and relax a bit. Then the other day can be parties etc. Kids learn to be okay with pottering around and doing the numerous activities/crafts/games they haven’t touched instead of being entertained constantly if it becomes routine. Good luck!

@hotchocfiend all I can say is I personally find it very comforting to know others feel the same. I realise others might be trying to help but sometimes it can come over as a bit ‘you’re living your life all wrong.’

I do know it could be worse; to be honest I don’t know how a) anyone manages more than two children and b) works full time!

I just wondered what you could outsource to give your brain and body some rest. I have twins. I get it.

Twin mums deserve something in my will I swear. I don’t really know how anybody does it. People clearly do as people have twins but … how 😂

The problem you have is you're trying to avoid parenting . I say that as someone who has done the same so not judging I promise.

It's easier not to teach your younger child to wait. It's easier not to work on your older child speaking more fluently. Having one at a time is easier because you an give them entirely their own way. One of the great benefits of siblings is you CANT do that. You literally can't give everyone what they want for an easy life. That stops constant permissiveness even if you are that way inclined.

Try to do more all 4 of you, it'll get easier and better with time, currently though your problem isn't that parenting is hard work so much as you're looking for ways to avoid hard work. Leaning in is honestly better in the long run.

I do get the feeling of always having 1 or 2 kids, we were in a position where if have 1 or both and oh would have 1 or none.

Your husband can take both kids to softplay while you have alone time, just like you can. Over time you will all feel better for jt

Stop having a child with you constantly. When my two were small I took a Saturday off and disappeared at 8 every morning and my DH had to get on with it. The reality of looking after them made him really appreciate what I did (I was a stay at home mum at the time).I was lucky to have that option and it was hard so DH knew I needed a day off. I really think you should try to cut down on so many activities, it’s amazing what simple things can keep young children busy. My two used to love ‘painting’ the fence. One bucket of water, two paint brushes and it would amuse them for ages. Coloured paper they need to tear into strips/bits and glue to a page. Also a basin of water and spoons, pebbles etc they loved it. Let their imaginations go wild!

@itsallgonetomush

as a single twin mom you just do it….you find a way ….even if you think you couldn’t do it trust me you just find a way when you know if you don’t do it there is no one else who can/will.

i found I enjoy parenting more now I’ve reduced my expectations - I don’t hold myself to the high standards I thought I would - so If your kids scream and shout and fight (within reason obviously) try not to let it get to you. Don’t sweat the small stuff - don’t bath them every day, does is matter if you don’t iron all the clothes if you know they will be trashed a minute later? feed them quick processed food if it buys you 10 mins to get a coffee in relative peace, sit them in front of the TV for an hour so you can doom scroll the news apps - find time 5 mins here or there where you can feel like an adult not just mum - the small wins add up trust me

@Charel2girl5 yes that sort of thing tends to work best in summer. I don’t think swimming for both and ballet and rugby is an overwhelming amount of activities but everyone’s different, mine are definitely happier active, especially ds.

Some things are worth lowering your standards with; I never iron for example, but tbh it isn’t really any more effort to chop an onion and do a proper dinner than to heat up nuggets, they tend to eat better then which improves sleep so I’m happy. And this is kind of what I mean, everyone finds their way and knows what works for them.

@Barnbrack believe me I don’t avoid parenting, we have plenty of time either me and the children or all four of us and it does tend to be stressful and not massively enjoyable. So it would be nice if people could stop lecturing me about everything I’m doing wrong which means that if I did it right children this age would somehow not be hard work: that isn’t true at all.

As I always say … you can’t give one back.

I booked DH on a dads n tots church playgroup that ran on a Saturday once a month, used the time to get ahead on teaching for the week, then he used to book a babysitter for a Saturday night. I really looked forwards to those Saturdays and DD and DH still speak fondly of the playgroup, although she's 13 and he's atheist!