Tired of always having a child with me

[itsallgonetomush]

I know it is a bit unreasonable.

Two kids, 5 and 2. I literally always have one or both. I get time to myself at work in theory but work is rushed and manic so not particularly enjoyable. And nursery is right near work. So I go from nursery drop off to work to pick up to home and on my days off and weekends / holidays obviously always have my children.

I was naive before I had them and thought it would be lovely because obviously my amazing parenting would mean they were a delight to be around not that they aren’t but they obviously are just normal kids and very hard work

I think I’m still run down after the stress fest that was the Christmas holidays. But does anyone else struggle with lack of time to yourself? Or have you adjusted better than me to motherhood?

This is what parenting young children is I’m afraid: always rushed, always juggling. It gets better but it will take time. Be a bit selfish where and when you can, it will all pass.

I've been there. Firstly, it gets better over time. Mine are ow in school and it's wildly easier .

Secondly, you need to get your husband to step up. It might be uncomfortable and you might argue . But women all over the world adjust their working patterns and make sacrifices to look after thei kids. Your husband must be able to do this? Obviously, I don't know what he does but if the impact is that you do 90% of the kid stuff and a full time job then something has to give. Can he say to his employer her needs to do pick up 2 days a week to give you a break?
Can he agree to sort dinner / bath on Saturdays/ Sundays?

It's not fun. What you are experiencing is burn out. I've been there. It wasn't so much that my husband didn't do his bit, but he just wouldn't consider any adjustments to his work. He worked away 2 days a week (usually one overnight) and every 2nd Saturday. Then there was trips abroad too. I was absolutely knackered. Now we have come to an arrangement that he does pick up on Monday and Wednesday when he works from home. We share Friday and I do the other two days. If he knows these points are fixed then he needs to plan his diary around them.
You need to remember that prioritising your own health is not selfish . It's survival.at the weekend it helps to take half a day off each.

I know single parents have to do this and the very fact of having a partner is better. BUT if you have someone there that should be helping they should be doing it.

Sending hugs . It is Hard

What do you do in the evenings? If the eldest is 5, presumably they're in bed for most of your evening? And then at weekends, why are you so busy? Sit down with your husband and work out your time to do your stuff and his time to do his stuff and family time to do family stuff. Don't be a martyr and take everything on. It is difficult as you're right in many respects, kids are always there, but you can find time for everything if you work as a team.

so that’s time to myself in a sense but I’ll rush there and then rush back to relieve DH

Frankly, more fool you then.

Why are you rushing back to 'relieve DH' though. When does he rush back to relieve you? Why can't he feed them and start bath time?

Can you take some annual leave ? Even one day off a month to yourself would be really good for you. Don’t tell anyone and don’t schedule in anything on that day.

You could use parental leave for a block later on if you are short later in the year.

It's nothing to do with having family support or less children, it's about you, your partner and how you manage things. You're being a martyr. Using your example, why are you rushing everything to relieve your husband. He's a parent, let him do dinner and bath time. Two things need to happen - your husband needs to just automatically do these things whilst you're not there and you need to stop assuming it's your role. You are your own worst enemy.

There's no need to rush back to relieve your husband.
Or to rush about to sport clubs on your days off. Just stop it all and have a duvet day, or go out and do stuff you like.

Your husband is equally responsible for parenting, he chose to create these kids, he can step up. Has he mad a flexible work request, compressed his hours, or looked for a job that means he can raise his kids?

Don't rush. Honestly, taking a few more minutes to get back should make no difference to everyone at home but will help you feel calmer.

It's been something I've had to learn and focus on. Often, a few minutes makes no difference to anyone else but all the world to me, instead of feeling harried and always rushing, I feel calmer and also like I'm taking control and worth something.

Not really to be honest. He is generally in bed by 8 but I’m ready for bed by 9, 10 at the latest!

I do get what everyone is saying but even if you don’t rush it isn’t exactly chilled, free enjoyable time. And you feel guilty.

Just go out as soon as he gets in an evening or 2 a week

That’s what we do! Husband walks in from work and I walk out to l want to do gym or the cinema or whatever it is I wanna do and he takes over dinner bed bath or whatever is needing to be done

weekends spend some together and some seperate and some with a kid each

foe example weekend I’m taking the kids Saturday out for the day and he’s having day to himself.

Sunday it’s my friends birthday lunch/ drinks so husband taking kids out Sunday and il chill in the morning and then out for the afternoon - home for bedtime

You feel guilty because your husband has made you think that the children are entirely your responsibility, and when he has them he's doing you a favour. He needs to parent.

I don’t think he has @Cornflower2 . I always feel a bit guilty. This morning I have ds with me as his schools closer but I’ve sent dd to nursery and I feel bad about that when I know she could be with me.

To be honest the children can be very difficult together so we do try to keep them apart as much as possible for everyone’s sake.

“…but I’ll rush there and then rush back to relieve DH and start dinner and bath time etc.”

Why? Why are all those things your job? He can do that for just one night surely? Ugh. Why do women do this to themselves?

Expect more from your DH - more care for your well-being and to bath and feed his own children once in a while (50% ideally).

It's how society conditions women.
You need to stop it though. You do not need to feel guilty about being away from your children. They have a dad too, you want them to have a good relationship with him and for him to be involved so allow and encourage that.

And for the long term benefit, the kids need to learn how to be together, play together etc. Hard now will make it easier in future.

Usually it’s my job because DH isn’t around.

I know people are probably trying to be helpful but I do think having young children is exhausting and stressful no matter how supportive your partner is. Suggesting it’s because of my marriage isn’t really helping to be honest. It’s good when you have some solidarity. I’m not convinced everyone else with small children is skipping around doing what they want when they want as their OH smiles indulgently!

No, but they've also learnt to let go of unnecessary guilt and not to take on unnecessary work when DH is there. Yes, it's hard but you are making it harder than it needs to be and small changes, even just in attitude and thought processes, could make a big difference

I'm you - 3 years in the future. It does get easier. Both of mine are at school and while there's still a lot of juggling it is easier. But I think you might be your own worst enemy here - why do you feel guilty about DD being in nursery today when you've paid for it? Go have a nice day with your eldest! Why are you rushing back after your appointment? Your DH is an adult and can sort dinner and bedtime for his own children. Why are you running about doing extra activities on top of booked classes? It's not needed.

I'd sit and look at the calendar and pick half a day every other weekend to have and go do something nice for yourself.

@Toastythesnowman I know and I still sent her but it’s hard to not feel things (if that makes sense!) I always feel I’m not doing well enough!

But I am hopeful it will get easier, especially when they are both at school, and even when dd is 3. We’re having a bit of terrible twos and she’s bright and funny and lovely but knows her own mind!

It sounds like you have an incapable husband if you have to “rush back to relieve him from looking after his children”.

The children are his responsibility just as much as yours. You seem to have the mind set that it is your job to look after them and him doing it means he is “helping you” and therefore you feel you are taking advantage? Or asking something of him that he doesn’t think he should be expected to do?

Stop rushing about in order to absolve him from looking after his children and enjoy some time to yourself!

Don’t you ever go out with your friends OP? I went out with mine every week on a weekend night from when my children were tiny. It was really important to me to have that time to myself (even though I was with other people).

My DH goes away during week at times for work too. On those weeks, he has them for pretty much a full weekend day, gets then up breakfast dressed, park, swimming cafe etc to give me a few hours to recharge. Or he has them at home and I go for a swim, shops, lunch with a friend etc. Yes they argue with each other, but separating them isn't the answer, children need to learn to share and get along and solve their own conflicts - we have learnt to only step in if they are getting too physical with each other.

I just left the baby, toddler, child eith my husband theit father and went out and did things or watched a movie or whatever, free time is not going to appear by magic while people are sat twiddling the fingers

Yes I know there are endless children who never see their father but I believe this is not the op?

Not very often to be honest but that’s more because my friends don’t go out very often 😂

It would seem reading this that everyone else with a two year old and a five year old is living their best life - I’m not totally sure this is completely accurate, and it is kind of stifling things a bit tbh,

They're not. But they know if they never take care of themselves, they'll burn out I've been there, my kids deserve a better mum than that. So each week I do a gym class, a long bath and a solo coffee date. That's 4h max, even with travel.