Tired of always having a child with me

[itsallgonetomush]

I know it is a bit unreasonable.

Two kids, 5 and 2. I literally always have one or both. I get time to myself at work in theory but work is rushed and manic so not particularly enjoyable. And nursery is right near work. So I go from nursery drop off to work to pick up to home and on my days off and weekends / holidays obviously always have my children.

I was naive before I had them and thought it would be lovely because obviously my amazing parenting would mean they were a delight to be around not that they aren’t but they obviously are just normal kids and very hard work

I think I’m still run down after the stress fest that was the Christmas holidays. But does anyone else struggle with lack of time to yourself? Or have you adjusted better than me to motherhood?

Why can't he do dinner and bath?
From this comment you sound like you're martyring yourself

A few things stand out from your post.

That you like scheduling lots of activities so the weekends go quicker. That when you're all at home together you get on each other's nerves. And the kids are better separated.

It sounds stressful. Do the kids ever have time to just chill out and play? Why are you all getting on each other's nerves? I think I would focus on making family together time a pleasant and peaceful thing.

My favourite weekends that leave me feeling re-charged are when we just potter about doing odd jobs while the kids play (separately or together). Maybe go for a walk in the woods or on the beach. Cook dinner together - everyone can get involved in doing their own toppings for pizzas (you can buy the dough in the freezer section of the supermarket).

If things are more relaxed at home you will probably feel less guilt at leaving your dh with both kids every now and then.

No, you do not need to rush home to relieve DH of his own children. You can go for a coffee and read your book for half an hour before you go back. You can walk around the park for half an hour and listen to a podcast before you go back.

We have no family help but we are both highly aware of the importance of time alone/without the family and each take the DC to give the other a break every weekend. It is so important for wellbeing.

It's hard going, and I only had one and was mostly a single parent. I think because I am an introvert I found not having down time to recharge my batteries very hard that's why I was always disciplined about bedtime , so I could have a few hours to myself in the evening, and the daily dose of 'Sesame street' bought me an hour to read in peace. They are 36 now and the best company ever!

Ok so two things can be true simultaneously. Firstly that a lot of people find it draining to have small children who need constant parental attention. I remember how happy I was the first time I could leave my two alone for 10 minutes to pop to the shop over the road and buy something for lunch. The heady feeling of freedom and spontaneity!

Secondly that you do have the power to change your situation a bit if you want to. To do that you need to decide that having a bit more time for yourself is important enough to prioritise that and accept that it may mean some inconvenience for others and that is ok.

So choose something to commit to, maybe half a day for yourself at the weekend every month? If you don't enjoy it the first time because you are feeling guilty DO NOT GIVE UP. I found the book by Oliver Burkemann, 4000 weeks, really good for helping me realise that everything we do with our limited time available involves choices not to do other things, and just because the 'other things' we don't do are important and we want to do them too, it doesn't mean the thing we've chosen to prioritise in this moment is wrong. Does that makes sense?

So if you decide that taking some time for yourself is something that matters to you and will make you feel better (and maybe give you more patience and stamina for parenting so make you a better parent!) then go ahead and make it happen somehow. And give yourself some time to get over the instinctive feeling that you shouldn't be doing it and that you're being selfish. Give it time to become a habit you (and your family) take for granted.

I feel your pain OP! Mine are all teenagers now, but when they were little they went to the onsite nursery at my work!! The primary they went to was in the same village where I worked… and eventually they were in the secondary school I taught in!!!! One day DH said something about enjoying his 45 minute drive at each end of the day to listen to music etc…. I lost my shit! But it did mean he started taking over on his days/weekends off (shift worker).

YANBU - those days/years are relentless hard work!!!

indeed "having young children is exhausting and stressful no matter how supportive your partner is". However, there are degrees of stress, ways you can make it more or less stressful and (reluctant as I usually am to use this (overused) word) you are, as others have pointed out, being a bit of a martyr and throwing a bit of a pity party for yourself.. It doesn't need to be as 'bad' as you make it for yourself...

But no-one is saying they're living their best lives with young children - other posters are just saying they have a few hours to themselves each week while their partner picks up the slack. This is not far-fetched.

OP, I feel you! 100%! I have 4 DC (I know…!) and I find it so, so, so incredibly hard. My husband is extremely capable, and I do do things when I leave them all with him and he’s more than able.

But… am I guessing, that for you it’s the lack of freedom to make a decision that doesn’t have to be in the diary and arrangements made in advance etc that’s causing the problem for you? The feeling of feeling trapped and having to have ‘permission’ from someone else to do something that, as a fully grown adult, you feel you should just be able to do?

If so, I totally get it. It absolutely pisses me off. But it’s my internal struggle and annoyance as I know it’s extremely difficult to resolve (no family support here at all, husband works very long hours and often away, I’m a SAHM).

I also feel bad just upping and going to the shops or something, as it means he’s stuck with all of the children for that time, and they are really hard work!

He’s more than able, I’ve had time away etc but not that spur of the moment, time.

Anyway, I’m rambling, but yes, I’m fucking SICK of carting a child or children EVERYWHERE I go too!

How so? OP doesn't say her husband doesn't pull his weight, just that his work is far away.

Why on earth did you have four!?

What is it about having 4 that you thought would be easy?

Maybe that is what needs to change. DH has both for 3 hours at some point every weekend while you go out. It won't happen if you don't make it happen.

I had a child with me until they started preschool age 2. But I had a bigger gap so I had a nice period when dc1 was in preschool before dc2 was born, and I'm a sahm so that was time to myself. Then another 2 years of having a child with me until dc2 started preschool. It was demanding, we have no family around to help but DH never works away and works normal office hours so he is around a lot. My dcs don't go to bed early but I go to bed even later, and for me that's essential to have that time to myself (though it's too late to go out and do anything unless I joined a 24 hour gym).

I'm not saying I loved every minute of it and it isn't demanding, but I did enjoy and I still do. I loved taking my dcs to activities and places to visit, I enjoyed the whole routine of baby and toddler classes and ferrying to activities at the weekend. I've always known I would continue to be a sahm during the school years (as I'm financially secure) so I knew I'd get that time to myself once both are at school (dc2 is just doing half days now). It would be harder if I knew I'd just have to spend that time at work as I don't see that as time for myself, although lots of working parents do.

DH and I don't have child-free time at weekends as we spend our time doing activities as a family or having one child each, and we are content with that. Every family is different and you have to find the combination that works for you.

with the sincerest of kindness, i think some others are making a go at "living their best life" in the circumstance of having you children and advising you how you might be relieved of some of the extra burden you unnecessarily put upon yourself, advice regarding which that fact of you posting your story might suggest you are looking for? If you are just wanting to have a moan and feel sorry for yourself, that is also fine! But I do see a lot of people just trying to provide advice you seem to be requesting about how they have been there, done that, and how they have made their lives a little easier in similar circumstances...

Could you not ask his parents to come over once a month and babysit while you and your husband go out for a meal

It is hard with young children. But this is aibu and people here tend to try to help you find solutions.

It sounds like you need time to yourself. You look after both of them alone for parts of the week: your DH can look after them alone for part of the weekend. A friend of mine always takes him DC to a lesson and then the park on one weekend morning so his wife gets time to herself. Would something like that work for you?

I appreciate it is hard with them both together, but I do also think helping them to work on playing together (with you) will make everyone's life better in the long run.

What made you think this was a necessary question and where did they say they thought that?

Probably because that poster enjoys being unpleasant on most threads.

I think YABU because I'm not sure what else you expected? The only options for you are to work less / use more childcare so you have time when you're not working and without kids, or plan your weekends with your DH so you have a set amount of time to yourself. it was your decision to have 2 kids. We're sticking at 1 to avoid situations like yours, we both need our down time.

I know that feeling...Now ExH left the house at 7am without lifting a finger. I had to be out by 7.40 with two kids in two, drop one at childminder, the other at nursery and go to work, and repeat the experience on the way home. My only time alone was about 8 minutes between nursery and workplace (where I spent my day with 30 of other people's children!!)

Have you got any friends that live locally? I have friends round for a cup of tea after my children go to bed. They put theirs to bed and leave their dh with the children then pop round for a couple of hours. Could you do that? Or find a beautician or hairdresser that comes to your house and have some 'me time' at home once you've done bedtime. On the the nights your dh is at home would you enjoy doing yoga, pilates or something similar? You could change the day you did it each week to work around his work pattern. I empathise with how you feel, I have two dc of very similar ages and it is intense.

I’ll rush there and then rush back to relieve DH and start dinner and bath time etc

Well your husband could do dinner and bath couldn't he? Why is it your job? Plus don't rush, take your time, go for a drink/coffee on your way back. Does your husband rush home from wherever he is?

Ah don’t worry, I knew there’d be a comment. I’ve been on MN a long time now. It’s not always as supportive now as it could be, hence why I try and be where possible.

When I used to work 7-7, I’d come in the door and take over from Dh and then he’d get the evening to himself while I did bedtime. Surely, if your Dh is home at 7, he’s missed a whole day with his kids. He has the rest of the evening to do bedtimes while you do a bit of sorting out the house and have time to yourself.

And stop making the weekends busy! They don’t need to be. My 2 are older now, so do have commitments like sports training and competitions and cubs events and stuff that is a bit more mandatory. But short of a wedding or funeral, everything is optional. Your Dh gets to take them out for a whole day every weekend because he misses so much time with them. He gets to do bedtimes too if he’s mostly missing out all week. Dh goes to see friends and they all bring the kids and catch up. Or he goes to visit his family and takes them. If they have a birthday party, Dh can take them and supervise and chat with the other parents. Or go to the food shopping with kids in tow. It’s perfectly possible to have down time on the weekends, but you have to plan for it and not expect it to fall in your lap.