Tired of always having a child with me

[itsallgonetomush]

I know it is a bit unreasonable.

Two kids, 5 and 2. I literally always have one or both. I get time to myself at work in theory but work is rushed and manic so not particularly enjoyable. And nursery is right near work. So I go from nursery drop off to work to pick up to home and on my days off and weekends / holidays obviously always have my children.

I was naive before I had them and thought it would be lovely because obviously my amazing parenting would mean they were a delight to be around not that they aren’t but they obviously are just normal kids and very hard work

I think I’m still run down after the stress fest that was the Christmas holidays. But does anyone else struggle with lack of time to yourself? Or have you adjusted better than me to motherhood?

I think OP, that there are two elements here and you're ignoring one and hyperfocusing on the other.

When your DC are small, yes, it's hard and relentess and most of absolutely do find it difficult and no, we're probably not "living our best lives".

But, at the same time, key to getting through this period is a) doing your best to get rid of the guilt. Mine used to cry when I dropped them at school/nursery. It was awful. I did it anyway, because I KNEW they'd be fine at nursery/school and I had other stuff to do. and b) your DH needs to step up/you need to let him take on.

So agree with other posters - get your legs waxed, but then go sit somewhere and have a coffee or a glass of wine. Find a friend to meet for a meal. Go to the gym. It is 100% reasonabe for your DH to be responsible for the kids alone once a week. You say the kids are hard together, sure, I get that. But you do it all the time when he's not around so it's really not ridiculous to expect him to do it.

Of course, it won't be done exactly like you would do it. And it's entirely possible it won't be done in a way that's actually acceptable. And that might well lead to some arguments and discussions. But that's still not a reason to do it. I once told a friend only semi-jokingly that I honestly thought DH's inability to stick to a bedtime routine might actually make me divorce him. He never got particlarly good at it, but when I properly talked to him he did get it and did make more effort. But it wasn't easy and yes, there were arguments and tears and resentment. But that would still have been there if I'd just chosen to do it all myself instead, but then nothing would have had the option to change.

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I am now in the teenage years but did find it helpful to carve out even small segments of time when my DC was that age.

For example, could you sometimes stop off for a coffee between finishing work and collecting them from nursery? Coffee chains tend to be quieter in the late afternoon, so I would be served quickly and even ten minutes sitting down by myself would make a big difference. Perhaps fifteen minutes all together? It would just be something to break up the home-work-home routine.

I will admit I’ve skimmed a lot of posts.

I don’t really feel comfortable in the way the threads turned into a pile on about my marriage to be honest, that’s not why I started it and I can honestly say DH is a good egg, with some annoying habits to be sure but he is a decent and loving man.

He is away a lot. It’s not massively predictable - I knew this before I met him, we get on, we cope. I work very part time which helps. But because I still have a preschool child she’s obviously with me then. Once she’s at school (which is only eighteen months away) I’ll have a lot more time for myself, to explore interests and so on. And in fairness it is a lot easier than when they were both at home with me.

A lot of other mums I know only have one child so things naturally seem a bit calmer. I do find I compare myself a lot.

Please don’t feel stifled by other people’s comments OP.

Mine are 3 years apart so I empathise with the challenges and when they were 2 and 5 I was definitely not living my best life!!

But me and DH understood that personal time to ourselves was important for re-charging and so we made sure we each had some.

We both worked and so during the week it was a bit crazy and like you, I also felt like we just never stopped! However, in order to try and relieve this we agreed that one evening a week I would have a few hours to myself where I would just go and visit a friend, go for a massage, or even just go and see my parents, and one night a week he would go and do the same in order to have a few hours to himself. For both of us, just having those few hours of being out the house and away from all childcare duties was so freeing and helped ease so much stress !

At the weekend my husband would have about 3 hours to himself on a Saturday morning to go and do his hobby and so on Sunday I would have 3 hours to myself where I would go out and about. Even if I had nothing specific to do, just being away from the house and the children and having that quiet, alone time was so important.

You and your husband need to sit down and agree a way to change how the household runs so that you each get some time to yourself in the week and at the weekend.

He is just as capable as caring for the children as you are, including making their dinner, bathing them and putting them to bed. It is not solely your job and you should not feel pressured to do it all.

So does your DH feel guilty every time he leaves you & kids to go away?
Is he wracked with guilt all those nights he’s away having food served to him, eating alone, having nights of uninterrupted sleep?
Because if not, he should! And he should be coming home with open arms & telling you to go out & enjoy yourself, have time to yourself & a break whilst he gets to spend quality time with his children, no?

Of course you’re exhausted - you’re working full-time & raising two young children, mostly singlehanded. Those early years are boring, monotonous & tiring. It does get better as they get older (mine are 11 & 7) but you do need to carve out time for yourself & the only way to do that is when your DH is around at weekends to take over.

What are your plans when both your DC are in school & you need to cover school holidays? Juggling caring responsibilities is part & parcel of parenting; ie you both have to step up & do it, separately.

I don't think people are piling onto your marriage. I think people are pointing out that you and your DH could do more to allow you to have at least a little bit of free time. And while people are aggreing with you that this time is hard, they're also saying that there are ways to make it easier and being passive about it is NOT going to help.

No but for a half day on a weekend day every few weeks you should be able to plan to head off by yourself for something surely? Or a dinner out with a friend organized short notice on a night dh is available?

It's a hard age though and like you I found it easier being busy at that age. They are 7 and 4 not and it'such much easier.

@LondonLady1980 personal time to yourself is important, I agree, but it’s still a relative rarity and tends to be rushed and stressed. It’s all very well saying I should just spend hours getting my legs waxed but then I have to expect DH does the same to me and spends hours out of the house when he goes for a haircut or whatever … he doesn’t, and I wouldn’t appreciate it if he did tbh.

I do. It isn’t a lot though. Generally when I get my hair done,

My kids are a bit older now and yes it's exhausting having young children but honestly I always carved time out for myself (and me and DH made sure we had couple time too). This was a big priority for me. We've always done gym/exercise so will trade off time for that and will get babysitters occasionally to go out for dinner etc
I refuse to over schedule weekends so we have down time then. Can I ask what is making your weekends so busy?

I prefer them busy. Downtime is just kids trashing the house and arguing 😂

Tomorrow DS has swimming and DD has ballet. Then in the afternoon they are going to a local outdoor centre for a Paddington themed experience

Sunday morning is a birthday party and then rugby for ds and swimming for dd

Maybe he doesn't need it the same way, either because of his personality or because he's away so often. My husband doesn't feel the same need I do, he still enables my time off. It's not tit for tat, it just ensuring we're both the best parents and people we can be.

It is the combination of small children and a job. It is a total fucking nightmare. All the life admin has to be crammed into the weekend and the last thing you want is organised outings by yourself. Basically you just want time to not have to consider anyone else and chill out.

I found that my family struggled with me doing anything ad hoc but they got used to me doing something routine. So if Mummy always did her thing on Sunday morning for 2hrs (or whatever) then everyone accepted it but it had to be out of the house when they were this young.

In house, the only way to get a break was to go and have a bath, lock the door, read a book and pretend I had my headphones on.

To be honest, I rarely managed to get a break.

You ca easily have time to yourself after your wax appointment but are choosing not to and instead rushing back so DH doesn't have to do dinner and baths?!

Well if neither of you appreciate how important downtime is for each other, and neither of you are willing to accommodate that for each other, then there’s not much that can be done is there?

If he’s not willing to put up with a stressful few hours for the sake of allowing you time to himself, and you won’t do it for him either, then you’ll have to just crack on as you are.

You’re tired of always having a child around you and that is 100% understandable but there’s only one solution which is for you and your husband to support each other and allow each other to have some time alone. But you feel guilty about having time alone and you admit you wouldn’t be happy with him if he wanted to have some time alone so it’s a bit of a stalemate really.

If neither of you feel it’s important to have time alone, or understand the importance of each other having some time alone, (and therefore actually want that for each other), then that says it all really.

Maybe your friends would go out but it just takes someone to suggest it. Give it a go and see what happens.

It’s always like trying to knit with spaghetti and then just when you think it’s all sorted Ellie’s child is unwell, Diana’s babysitter cancelled and Mary’s got a deadline to meet!

Also, with all due respect to your DH, I get that he works and then you feel you would be annoyed if he took 2 hours for a haircut, but quite honestly, that's ridiculous. When DH was a stay at home parent to small children and I worked long hours in the city at an investment bank, the reality is that I COULD carve some time for myself during the working day. Whether that was popping out at lunch time to meet someone or do a little shopping, taking the next train so that I could guarantee a seat and time to read for 35 minutes on the way home, or half an hour of mindless internet surfing between work meetings.

Similarly, he used to belong to a running club and so twice a week, my team knew that I was leaving dead on time so that he coud get out. Obviously, in a genuine work crisis, he had to skip and I'd work late, but as a rule, Tuesdays and Thursdays I downed tools at 6pm and left so that I could be home in time.

It's not that hard. Really.

Your husband is no doubt a good guy, I think the issue is systemic. Men just don't THINK of making changes. Reverse the situation. If you were the one with the demanding job and you had two kids l, what would you do? I bet as a woman you would reduce your hours / work around the job. You wouldn't expect your husband to just do all the pick ups? If you did expect him to do it would you resent him taking some time off?

Taking care of young kids is exhausting. It's basically another job on top of your actual job.

It will get better but there are so many women that get lumped with all the logistics and it's not fair. We are so programmed to accept that we are the ones that need / can alter our lives we don't even question it. Employers almost expect us to as well which again makes it rare of men to even ask.

which is also why I very seldom do big group events. Who has the time or energy to co-ordinate. Instead, I meet Mary for a drink one week, Jane for a movie the next, and Penny for a yoga class on Wednesday.....

Out of interest, what do you think I could do that’s enjoyable at 5pm on a Friday evening in winter? I’m not being facetious, I genuinely am not seeing what this amazing time is I’m choosing to shrug off. My appointment is at 4; I have to collect DD by 430 anyway.

Coffee shop with a book.
Bar with a glass of wine and a book.
Movie
A friend who might also be able to do a last minute drink/coffee/early dinner.
Gym

Frankly, I used to like going to the bit superstore sometimes at this time of day. I might have been doing the weekly shop, but I could do it in peace, think about what I wanted, browse the shelves. Or even if I was just picking up a few bits, I'd look through the kitchenware section, clothes section etc. Just enjoying moving at a pace dictated by what I felt like and NOT by the need to be somewhere else at a certain time.

Coffe shop or pub for an hour with a book would be my choice. Fancy drink and/or cake. Maybe my notebook to write out my thoughts. Or a walk in the woods with a podcast. Or a mooch in the shops, not intending to buy anything just looking. Sit in the car and have a guiltless 30 min scroll or nap or knit.

Most coffee shops are closing then and it would involve quite a drive. I’m not a drinker and in any case I need to get dd.

I’d be interested to know - when DH has to go out for a haircut or similar and comes straight back- if people think he’s being a martyr. Or if he’s just being a decent human being and recognising it’s a lot of work?